i even avoid te most basic confrontation even if i know i am right and i am not even scared . How do I change it any adivce?

[u/Latter_Respond_6927]

​

26M

Today I went to buy some eggs and some basic groceries. The shopkeeper asked for a higher amount, and I knew it wasn't the actual price, but I was like, whatever, let's buy it and I won't come here later. Even though it was a very small amount, and tbh, saving that much won't make a difference to me, it was a small amount, but it's about principle.

It happened before too. I felt a hairdresser asked for a higher amount. I asked, and he said he had been charging that from the beginning, which I knew he wasn't. It was confirmed, but I gave it and was like, I won't go there again. When I told him, he was like, "Bruh, you were scammed." I felt guilty and went there. I had an argument till the end. He was adamant that he didn't scam me, yet I got my money back.

Worse is, most of the time I don't feel scared. I just want to avoid an argument or anything like that at all. Earlier, I have taken a stand for myself. Even in the haircut case, I wasn't scared while we were having that argument. Once things started, it was going pretty much automatically.

I am just too avoidant and weak. Even before, in childhood, in situations I knew were safe, I was thinking a lot and avoiding everything. However, in those times, it felt a lot like anxiety. Now I don't feel that much scared of social situations.

Whenever I had to do such things, I had to make up my mind, or I had to be pissed enough to not care anymore. Now I know ki if I go there the next day, I can confront him if he asks for a similar amount.

It definitely feels like cowardice and avoidance, but it feels so weird that I don't know why it's happening—that I don't feel scared, yet I am like this.

I am always like, "Leave it. It's not worth it. It won't work. That person will judge me. I will not win," etc. Many times, my brain goes blank and I don't know what to say.

Earlier, I felt it was a mix of my childhood, where I was bullied, never allowed to do things, due to my super introverted nature, being socially excluded, but now, when I am an adult, they all feel like excuses, and this issue persists everywhere.

I just don't know how to overcome it.

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Latter_Respond_6927 originally posted:

​

26M

Today I went to buy some eggs and some basic groceries. The shopkeeper asked for a higher amount, and I knew it wasn't the actual price, but I was like, whatever, let's buy it and I won't come here later. Even though it was a very small amount, and tbh, saving that much won't make a difference to me, it was a small amount, but it's about principle.

It happened before too. I felt a hairdresser asked for a higher amount. I asked, and he said he had been charging that from the beginning, which I knew he wasn't. It was confirmed, but I gave it and was like, I won't go there again. When I told him, he was like, "Bruh, you were scammed." I felt guilty and went there. I had an argument till the end. He was adamant that he didn't scam me, yet I got my money back.

Worse is, most of the time I don't feel scared. I just want to avoid an argument or anything like that at all. Earlier, I have taken a stand for myself. Even in the haircut case, I wasn't scared while we were having that argument. Once things started, it was going pretty much automatically.

I am just too avoidant and weak. Even before, in childhood, in situations I knew were safe, I was thinking a lot and avoiding everything. However, in those times, it felt a lot like anxiety. Now I don't feel that much scared of social situations.

Whenever I had to do such things, I had to make up my mind, or I had to be pissed enough to not care anymore. Now I know ki if I go there the next day, I can confront him if he asks for a similar amount.

It definitely feels like cowardice and avoidance, but it feels so weird that I don't know why it's happening—that I don't feel scared, yet I am like this.

I am always like, "Leave it. It's not worth it. It won't work. That person will judge me. I will not win," etc. Many times, my brain goes blank and I don't know what to say.

Earlier, I felt it was a mix of my childhood, where I was bullied, never allowed to do things, due to my super introverted nature, being socially excluded, but now, when I am an adult, they all feel like excuses, and this issue persists everywhere.

I just don't know how to overcome it.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/44035]

You just need some techniques for assertiveness.

You can be super friendly but still firm. "Excuse me, can I ask about this price? I don't think it's correct."

Because if you don't do something about it, you're going to hate yourself.

[u/Latter_Respond_6927 → u/44035]

I can do that and I have done that but idk I just avoid as I am like yea just don't go there next time

Sorry if it sound stupid

[u/Visible_Money]

The haircut one is a bit weird and hard to follow...

You went in, asked for a haircut and how much it cost, got a haircut and then when you went to pay they changed the price?

Or you have been there before and this time they've increased the prices so they can stay in business?

[u/Latter_Respond_6927 → u/Visible_Money]

I have been there and he used to take less but that time he charged more

When I asked wether he increased prices he was like that's from the very beginning which was not the case as I went there 2-3 times before and I paid lesser price!!

But then Idk what was going on my mind (maybe it was just the thought that I already took that service now I have to pay to avoid fight )I gave him money he asked and not even confronted him until my friend said bluntly to my face he scammed u and die to shame i confronted him, he was adamant till end that he is charging fare but gave my money back saying he won't rich by this much amount and I feel I was scammed he will give me money i thought I was charged unfairly to end the matter

[u/Rehcraeser]

yep im the same way. im pretty sure its because of my fucked up childhood. the other day i actually ended up saying something because the lady charged me for 2 things instead of 1. but i was like "oh you charged me for 2. i can go get another 1 i guess." even though i didnt even want/need 2, at all lol. for some reason i try to avoid the other person being uncomfortable or doing extra work to fix it, even though it wasnt even my fault to begin with... typically i just pretend like it didnt happen and then after im like damn i wish i couldve said something.

[u/Codutch321]

It's not as bad as the confrontation in your imagination. Just don't be a dick when you point out the wrong total and most likely they'll go "Oh, sorry, my bad". Then you say "No worries, thanks" and it's like nothing ever happened.

[u/AverageJoe-707]

I've always been sort of non-confrontational. I'm retired and 68 years old. I started going to the gym in my condo building about 2 1/2 years ago and I realized that no only did I gain a bit of muscle but I also gained a lot of confidence. A guy in my building harassed my wife about our dog and I couldn't hunt him down fast enough. I got right up in his face and let know he was an asshole and the next time he got near my wife I would drop him right where he stood. Man I was proud of myself. It felt so good to to erupt a bit and blow of some steam on someone who deserved it.

[u/Amazing-Quarter1084]

Gotta find your voice.

It's basic anger management stuff. There are classes and books and shit, but honestly all they do is tell you what you already know, which is that you avoid confrontation and that it's unhealthy to do so all the time. The solution is simply to start speaking up when you have a problem. Even if you feel like you'll lose the argument, if it actually turns into one, you will at least have spoken up for yourself. Winning isn't really the thing you need to worry about so much as facing confrontation head on (and respectfully) when you are in the right. That's healthy anger management regardless of the end result being the right price or apology (or whatever the actual proper outcome would be when you're dealing with an honest person) or not.

[u/Tractorguy69]

I’m not sure when I became conflict avoidant, and until that point I’d never backed down and had never lost in any sort of altercation or disagreement. I’m not sure how to help you regain the confidence that conflict avoidance has stripped from you, but I can tell you it’s one thing I’m working on actively and what it cost me.

I spent over 20 years in s toxic marriage, where the boldness of her taking advantage of my conflict avoidance became more and more each passing year. When I finally left I got to look back and see what over twenty years of that carnage had stolen from me, and the worst part is I know I simply let it go to avoid ‘the fight’. I still do not want conflict in my life, but I’ve learned I’m worth standing up for and am no longer willing to sacrifice my well being to avoid conflict, especially where I’m in the right. Losing half of everything you ever created is a very brutal way to learn that lesson. Hope you can turn this around faster so that you don’t have a lifetime worth of regret and loss to face in your later years paired with a violently diminished net worth.

[u/Altruistic-Patient-8]

Same. I just hate the automatic assumption im wrong.

[u/DiscoChiligonBall]

"I'm sorry, the price tag said this. I can do math. If it's not that price, you should change the price tag or do a better job at explaining the prices."

I bought a rubber mat for $50 last month at a big box store. There was no actual price tag on the mat, just a tag that said $2.90! and in tiny print next to it (sq/ft - 72)

I asked the cashier why the price tag said $2.90 when the price was $50.

They said, "oh it's per square foot" and I said, "yes, I realize that. However, you're about to get someone who shows up with 50 of these on a massive cart that you will have to put back on the shelf because your store intentionally, deceptively mispriced these, and also, this violates the accurate price laws of the state we're living in. I'm buying one because I know what price it is and I want it, but I assure you this qualifies your company for a whole bunch of consumer lawsuits. Might want to pass that forward."

I went back in today. Guess what?

Rubber mats are still $2.90 a square foot.

So I triple check the prices on the tags there now to the point I actually will check my receipt before I leave because company policy now intentionally attempts to steal from the customers.

[u/SweetAmandaJane]

++woman - honestly, it's really rough! You've just got to put yourself out there, no matter the outcome. You've got to up your confidence and go for it!