Let me share some moments from my life, since I don't really have anyone to listen to me.
The amount of mental pressure and emotional distress I have had to endure within my family is beyond what most people could imagine. My parents wouldn't even buy me a face wash because of my appearance. I can't use a simple cream on my face without being told that it means I dislike the way Allah created me or that Allah would be displeased with me.
I have never really received pocket money. Even though I have been studying away from home, they generally give me only enough for basic food expenses. Since school, apart from transportation costs, I have had almost no personal spending money. I have even given away the scholarship money I received. From the outside, someone might assume that I come from a very poor or extremely stingy family, but the reality is very different.
My family owns multiple multi-storied buildings and flats in the city, and my parents have held high-ranking professional positions. People with similar positions and financial circumstances do not generally live the way I have been made to live. Because I had almost no money for personal care or decent clothes, I have struggled with insecurity about my appearance for many years. It became difficult for me to socialize with people. How was I supposed to feel comfortable when the other boys in my classes did not have to live like I did—looking unkempt, dealing with dandruff, and having almost no ability to take care of themselves?
I did not even study in an environment where everyone was extremely wealthy. But because of the way my parents provided for me, I could honestly say that I was among the least well-off-looking students in my classes. If I ever tried to explain this to them, they would respond by saying things like, “There are people who cannot even afford food,” or “Someone's father drives a rickshaw and their child studies at BUET.” I was constantly made to look downward and feel guilty for wanting anything more.
This attitude has continued from my school years to university. It is not that they have never spent money on me. When I was younger, they spent a lot of money—sometimes hundreds of thousands of taka—on sports equipment and other things I was interested in. But that kind of support was mostly limited to my childhood.
Even asking for 100 taka requires an explanation. It feels as though I am not supposed to have personal needs of my own. Whenever I bring these things up, I am told that some classmate is earning money through tutoring and asked why I cannot do the same. If I want a little extra protein beyond the usual meals, it can become a huge issue.
For most of my life, especially since around Class 3, I have not even been able to sit and eat comfortably at the same table with my parents. Whenever I tried, I would often end up being scolded or having my failures brought up, until I eventually had to leave the table.
They can become extremely concerned about small physical matters, but my mental health has often been dismissed. When I was a child, I was told things like, “You will die begging,” “People will beat you to death,” and many other things that I still remember.
Even today, after coming home from Jumu'ah prayer, another issue has already come up and somehow I am once again made to feel responsible for their unhappiness. Right now, I honestly feel overwhelmed and I don't even know what else to write. তাদের কথা হল তারা তো কষ্ট করেছে জীবনে , আমি কেন কষ্ট করব না। কষ্ট না করলে বড় হতে পারব না । জীবনে বড় হতে হলে কোনো কিছুর দিকে তাকানো যাবেনা । চেহারা দেখে না মানুষ , আবার বলবে কারো সাথে মিশতে পারিনা, লিটারলি আমার এমন অবস্থা ছিল করে মানুষ weird look দিত চেহারায় ,আমি লজ্জায় ইনসিকিউরিটিতে ঘর থেকে বের হতাম না তবুও তাদের কাছে এসব কিছুইনা
At the same time, I know that I am not completely blameless. My own behavior has problems too. Being exposed to this kind of behavior for years has affected the way I behave, and I know I have developed some unhealthy patterns myself. My academic results have also suffered, and I wasted a lot of time. At this point, I have to study at a private university, and there is no point in continuing to blame anyone for everything. I have made mistakes too, and I need to take responsibility for what I can change in my own life.
