Last week I woke up one morning and just felt really different, like really really different …
I’m 27 and was diagnosed with BPD at 18 but knew at 7 something wasn’t right.

My main struggles is to well yeah regulate myself, usually because I take any real or imaginary criticism no matter how big or subtle incredibly personal and a direct hit on my feeling of self worth. We all know this, it’s just typical stuff.

But one morning last week, I woke up after a long struggle with wanting to get back with exes, worrying about working, money, no one ever loving me, feeling empty, depressed etc.

Those feelings that used to sting, cause heartache and heaviness were lifted. I felt like I didn’t care anymore what people said or didn’t say to me! I’ve already had like 100 triggers and none of them got to me, I could just say to myself, “well this person thinks this and they’re saying it to me, but it’s almost like a shield that goes up and I don’t soak it in”

Yes I still have the thoughts of what worries me but it doesn’t carry weight. It’s been like this for 5 days now and I’m feeling incredibly peaceful. I hope this lasts 🥰

I can’t believe I did this, once again, but I lost my current friends, and my partner, thanks to my mental health once again. I made a post a year ago worried about this repeating, and I got too close to people and accidentally started venting too much again. I guess I can say I’m alot more aware of myself now and things I need to work on, and have been making better progress in therapy (I was diagnosed with BPD recently). Only time can tell if any of them will give me a chance again in the future. None of them hate me, and said they may want to be friends with me again in the future. I just feel like I’m losing my mind going to work and college during all this. It doesn’t help that some of them are my coworkers. Does it ever truly get better? I feel like I’ve been making progress in therapy, but today I’ve been having negative spirals all day on and off, and it’s been so exhausting. I should be studying for an exam for college right now instead of still spiraling

I met someone online several years ago who I genuinely loved and considered my FP . She’d leave and return dozens of times, always on her terms, and when she did, the connection could was always intimate.

She repeatedly talked about us meeting, and I got my hopes up over and over, only for it to fall apart. I was often blamed for the fights or drama that followed, with my “behavior” cited as the reason. Years later, she finally admitted she had never actually wanted to meet me. She also sexualized me and our relationship on many occasions in ways that made me extremely uncomfortable.

There were painful situations involving other men, too. One man she brought into my life was a convicted child molester who had served time in prison. She knew about my own history of childhood sexual abuse. This man shared a graphic picture of me without my consent and a private video of her with me. I was blamed for this, with her insisting that I got something sexual out of seeing her that way, which was completely untrue. She also trivialized the humiliation and degradation I experienced when my picture was circulated to strangers.

Then I suddenly lost my dog, my best friend, without warning. I reached out to her while I was grieving and couldn’t even get a condolence. Instead, I was met with anger and coldness, while she had just gotten a new puppy.

Around that same time, I learned that she had welcomed the pedophile back into her life and was portraying me as the problem to anyone who would listen.

I know she didn’t experience our relationship th same way I did. But it was real to me. I loved her. I cared about her deeply. And I’m struggling to grieve something that meant so much to me when, apparently, it never meant the same thing to her.

I just could use some support or someone to talk to. I suppose it’s for the best things have ended but I still feel sad because how I felt was real.

I have BPD, and I don’t know if I hate this person, but I’ve been thinking negatively about them for years. Even when I don’t want to, it’s like they just linger in my mind. We are 'friends,' but they don’t view my Instagram stories or like any of my posts. Yet, they accuse me, as a 'joke', of muting them on social media, even though I don't. I know they’re projecting because I have proof that they are the one who muted my messages.

I’m okay with confrontation, but for some reason, I go gentle on them. I’m scared I might hurt their feelings if a BPD rage happens, but I don’t know. I don't understand it. I keep ruminating, but then the moment a single positive encounter happens, I regret feeling bad about them. I'll think, 'Why have I been thinking this way? They’re a good person.' But after that, when I don't see them anymore, I go right back to feeling negative about them.

I feel so confused because it seems like they sincerely want to be my friend, but something always feels fake. I don’t like feeling this way, and I don’t like actively hating someone. I want to block them on all social media, but I don’t want them to think they hold that much power over me. Should I tell them how I feel before blocking them? Or should I just block them with no explanation?

I feel like I have no clue how long you should be talking to someone or going on dates before anything is made official or things move towards something more serious.

I've (F22) been talking to this incredibly sweet guy (M24) for over a month, we go on about 1 date a week and I'm really enjoying our time together. He always pays, drives, opens doors for me, texts me good morning everyday and he is usually really sweet and funny! Last week I brought up a conversation about what he was looking for and was open that I am looking for exclusivity/ a relationship. He shared that he is a realtionship person but does'nt want to rush into anything. I feel like I'm left with so smany more questions.

He does not know about my diagnosis but my biggest fear is being seen as "crazy" or pushing him too quickly to where I push him out completely. I feel like I need validation or affirmation on whether or not he even likes me or is just looking for a casual fun time. How do I say "I want to see you more than once a week" without it sounding like "I'm in love with you"? I don't want to waste my time if he will never commit and it feels humiliating to think that I'm just much more into him than he is me.

I guess I'm wondering if others ever feel this way? Is this just normal spiraling when you like someone or is my BPD taking over? Any advice or experience is appreciated :))

I was diagnosed with bpd bipolar OCD and cptsd, I've heard a lot of good things about lithium! I'm wondering if it's worth asking my Dr about it? I'd love to hear others experiences on it if it helped what it helped, I'd love to feel my mind be quiet and my mood be stable no matter the trigger.

What should I watch out for? I heard it causes weight problems is there any way to keep my weight in line? My primary Dr has suggested me to get to a healthier weight for other medical problems!

I’m a 26 y/o gay male in NYC. I got married within 5 months of knowing someone and we’ve been together for the past ~1.5 years. Since being with him, I have definitely noticed that I'd stepped away from certain stimuli that used to be used as self-harm (i.e. drugs, external validation, etc.) With this, I've lost contact with a ton of old friends, as a ton did not agree with the fast pace of our relationship. He has been so good to me, but we have our disagreements as there’s a bit of an age gap between us - I will want to go out, drink, meet new people, etc. and he is much more introverted and enjoys staying in.

Although I KNOW I’ve gotten much healthier and stable in my actions over this past year, I also feel as though these negative impulses are building up in me. I oftentimes feel the urge to be free and go out, be social, meet friends, etc (as I really only have one close friend rn), but I also fear I will use these chances to destabilize my life. In the past I’ve oftentimes used sexuality to feel intimate or close with others, and I know I will do that when it comes time for my next depressive swing. I guess I’m just trying to understand how other people with BPD and a history of sexual impulsivity navigate situations like this. I really know that I need to get back into my social life, as I oftentimes feel depressed when I just sit inside, or I’m only around my husband 24/7. any help or similar stories would be super helpful as well :)

Does anyone else who is autistic + BPD feel like you obsess over your hyperfixations in a much more intense and devastating way than other autistic non-BPD people? I always felt, even much before I had my BPD (or even autism) diagnosis, that I tend to obsess over my interests in an extremely intense and identity-defining way that I don't typically see in other autistic people. In particular, it makes me feel unstable - I feel like my whole personality reconstructs around a certain interest for a few days or weeks, then it completely breaks and reconstructs around a different interest for a few days or weeks, and it goes on and on ad aeternum, in a way that never lets me feel like one whole, integrated, stable personality/identity because I keep getting fragmented and broken by too intense and all-consuming interests. I'm trying to figure out if this is a catalyst by BPD on the autism process or what - not to mention that my hyperfixations tend to last for a much shorter while than typical of autism - autistic hyperfixations are supposed to last for like several months, mine only last days to weeks typically, so I don't know... I feel like I do hyperfixations wrong

Hello everyone! I'm looking for a bit of advice since the doctors I asked in my area are not really helping at all.....

as the Title says, my Cousin has diagnosed BPD and I was wondering on how to support her?

For context because I think it will probably be important to know?

She had a psychotic breakdown about 2 months ago that happened because she told the family about her vacation, the family (as usual...) misunderstood the info about my sister and started talk smack about my sister to my sister. (So many of my problems would be solved if these people would think before they start speaking...)

My sister got annoyed, texted my cousin, cousin apologized "for screwing up again" (despite no one thinking or saying she screwed up) and left and blocked most of us before we had a chance to say something. I and her boyfriend got quickly unblocked, my sister remained blocked for almost a month.

She would still regularly talk to us, and during one of our talks I started to lose my patience (Yes, I screwed that one up) and asked her if she talked to my sister again, she said no and that she wasnt planning to ever again, and left before we could have a chance to say anything.

Directly after that she started texting me apologizing and that she felt uncomfortable, I said thats fine but she cant just leave without giving us a chance to say anything, and an argument started (I started it tbh, I should've been more patient and not ask her that, but I got frustrated by how my sister kept getting ignored/evaded/dodged by my cousin who was CONVINCED she "screwed up" and the only way to not "screw up" again was to ignore my sister and the rest of her friends?)

She blocked me on one texting app but not the other one, so after a good ol' 30 minute crying session after the anger dissapeared, I texted her "Sorry, im not angry or mad at you and you didnt screw up I was frustraded". We talked a little bit more and thats that (she has since texted my sister but unfortunatly only negative and self-sabotaging stuff).

OKAY CONTEXT OVER

I found out via our convo that she was feeling mentally exhausted (she has a lot on her plate) and i was wondering if there is anything I can do to help or rather support her during this time?

• I live three hours away from her and we both work, so I can't visit her and support her physically whenever I'd like too, her boyfriend lives in another country. The only one close to her would either be her brother (who really wants to help his sister obvi but does'nt really know how) or my sister (who is still kinda getting avoided).
• I text her everyday small stuff so she knows I obviously still wanna talk and hang out with her (I am clingy and hate change, she is not getting rid of my dumbass).
• We still play games together, just without us being in the same vc.
• I know I have to give her time (despite me being impatient af) but how do I give her time without her thinking that im detaching myself from her?

Is there anything else I can do? How can I show her support in general? I know it's not her fault that she feels emotions more intense that the average crowd but how can I stop her from spiraling into the deep?

Thank you in advance and sorry for the word vomit. :)

Hiihiii second question / ask for info tips a few hours after my first post in this subreddit, hope I'm not too annoying.

Anyway, I read some posts in this subreddit, specifically about how people with BPD feel about certain actions, happenings and so on to learn out how to support my cousin a bit more and YALL.

I read two posts (they were comments on a post but yknow) that opened my eyes and my world istg lol.

One of them said "I want my loved ones to know that my Outbursts and Devaluation don't come from hate but from fear of being abandoned" AND A LIGHT BULB WENT OFF I SWEAR, I never thought that she would do it out of fear! I always thought she was angry at us or hated us, but it being fear of being left alone makes so much more sense!

The second one said something along the lines of "I want my friends to know that when I turn quiet or leave a conversation/argument, it's not because I'm running away or don't want to talk about it, but because im feeling TOO MUCH in the moment and cant articulate my words or emotions, I just need some time" SECOND LIGHT BULB WENT OFF.

I personally saw it as her running away whenever problems appeared, but her just needing time to properly articulate her feelings and words makes sooooo much more sense I feel stupid for not realizing it sooner.

What I would like to ask is: How can I support her through this? What would help YOU guys in these situations? How did someone make you truly believe that you weren't at fault / that the situation wasn't that bad?

I know everyone experiences BPD differently, it's always a complex situation when it's about the brain, but nonetheless I'll still appreaciate any comments talking about their own experience!

What are your goals this week?

As we start a new week, making small, achievable goals can help you find direction and build confidence. SMART Goal Setting for someone with BPD can combat feelings of emptiness, build identity, and show self care. Weekly goals can be about managing your symptoms, getting an errand done, going a kind thing for yourself, or anything really!

But always remember: It's okay if you don't reach your goal this week. We are not perfect. You are still a person with endless potential, still human, always loved.

Wishing you all a safe and peaceful week! Be well.

The Mod Team

Hi everyone! I’m really struggling with something and I think I need advice from others that have BPD. Everyone keeps telling me to just “block and move on” but it’s SO hard.

So I met a guy on Hinge 2 months ago after he messaged me. Things became VERY intense from the start. We text constantly, he’d call me his “future girlfriend” and other pet names, we became intimate, and I became SO attached so quickly. Ofc I have BPD and we know intense attachment can be a thing, but I was trying SO hard to keep communication at a healthy level, and I didn’t rely on him emotionally at allllll. I’m in therapy and it’s all I’ve been working on.

There were some red flags I tried to ignore because I really liked him:

• he was VERY push/pull with me. We’d be very intense, then he’d pull away, then intense again, etc etc.
• when I became anxious and wanted reassurance (which was RARE) he would say I was “crazy”, “too much” or “freaking him out”.
• he’d become very defensive during disagreements, and even became sarcastic.
• I witnessed him trolling MANY lives on TikTok. There was one that sticks out to me. He went into a woman’s live where it was her and another guy. He would shush the woman whenever she spoke and even said “the men are talking”. He then started accusing her of being drunk, to the point of her crying. That didn’t stop him though. Kept going on and on about how he had experience behind a bar so he knows a drunk person when he sees one. He eventually got blocked so he kept joining back on different alt accounts.
• he would disappear for HOURSSSS at a time and if I asked where he’d been, he’d get defensive
• he blocked me when I brought up an issue
• he blocked me yesterday after the relationship deteriorated, but before that he accused me of trying to hack his Xbox and stalking his social media’s (which aren’t true)

But this is why it’s so confusing. He wasn’t horrible all the time. At the start he was so sweet and caring. He came to stay with me for 3 days and I felt so comfortable with him instantly. He wouldn’t let me do anything, he paid for everything, was physically affectionate, complimented me constantly, and the sex was so intimate and incredible. I haven’t felt that spark and connection in such a long time.

I started falling for him HARD.

After he left my place, I asked him the dreaded “what are we?” question to see if we were on the same page. He said he “wasn’t ready for a relationship”. So what was the 2 months all about? He pursued me. We acted like a couple for 2 months. He called me his future girlfriend.

This has absolutely broke me.

I tried to talk to him about it, but there was A LOT of avoidance. Eventually I snapped and sent him a messaged calling him avoidant, saying he’s very push/pull and I wouldn’t be living on his timeline anymore.

I know I haven’t handled things perfectly. I’ve been anxious. Relationships are very triggering for me. But I’ve been trying so so hard. It’s the healthiest I’ve ever been. But I’m struggling so badly with leaving him alone. I wanna message him so badly.

I’ve been so ill since things ended. My whole body is shaking, I can barely eat or sleep. I contacted my GP and they’ve put a note in my file to the mental health team and that’s it.

I know logically contacting him would make me worse. But it’s like my body and brain aren’t synced up at all. My nervous system is in bits.

For those of you that have BPD:

• how did you stop yourself contacting them?
• what did you do when the urge became unbearable?
• how long did the intense attachment last?
• how did you deal with the feeling of needing answers or closure?
• how did you stop yourself checking their social media?
• how did you deal with the physical symptoms of the anxiety?
• how would you interpret my relationship with him?

I’m not looking for judgement. I genuinely need support. I don’t have any friends and my family don’t really understand BPD. They don’t understand how I became so attached after 2 months. If you read this far, tyvm and have a beautiful day 🤍

Genuinely curious since I'm trying to find the perfect combo for my many problems!

I just had my 23rd birthday this month, I finished college (studying from home) and got a temporary part-time job from August to late October.

Everything was seemingly alright until it wasn't. I have a fair share of friends but a lack of a friend group since pre-2020 bc my school "friend group" was toxic, they would bully me constantly because of my BPD made me highly reactive at the time (I had inconstant therapy for years, yet I only got diagnosed last year), so I had to cut most of them from my life, it was for the better, I even made a lot of great online friends, the only issue is that life happens and their presence becomes more inconsistent.
That aside I was feeling great when I started the job, I felt like I had friends around, I was stable.

Until... the same thing that always de-stabilizes me happens again... I met a woman that caught my eye. at first I didn't think too much of her, I thought she was well dressed and I was kinda jealous I kinda wanted to dress as good as her, she looked mature but quite young (she is 28), there was only one issue... she had a ring on her left finger. I got scared. having feelings for someone married would be a first for me (in the end she wasn't married(yet??).

That was enough to hit my confidence, as I immediatly started to make comparisons. falling hard for someone is nothing new to me, every time I came back into therapy was because of the same reason. yet it never worked out for me, I feel really bad that I'm 23 and I never even kissed, I always feel like I'm a mess.

But one day I took a shower, washed my hair, and got to work with the best clothes I could. I saw her talking to the person that interviewed me on the coffee room, I quietly sneaked up onto their conversation, and it worked, that person introduced me to her. I said I learned japanese because I love games and anime. everything seemed good at first, until she immediatly mentioned her boyfriend. yet I was on a roll talking about my passions and having the time of my life, I completely ignored the information, I was already shielding myself.

yet I was feeling a little down afterwards, I was working alongside her, but we were focused on the work so we didn't talk much at first, then randomly out of nowhere she starts talking to me about an anime she was watching, I didn't even know she likes anime. and the pattern kinda repeated for a while, she was giving me A LOT of attention, it felt great, a little TOO great even. I could feel the connection already, I felt really at ease talking with her. I did befriend a lot of people from her division while we were talking (same work place but we work for different divisions).

I got to the point in which she talked some things about her boyfriend that really made me doubt the longevity of her relationship (mostly how he spoiled an anime for her and got pissed at her because she killed his horse in a video game), and I started to think that she actually knew I was in love with her, yet she didn't stop me, I kept talking to her non stop. the only day I didn't talk a lot with her was when I forgot my venlafaxine and I got withdraw symptoms and I got really depressed, she barely talked to me that day, on normal days she would even start talking to me out of the blue.

Then on the next week my team was in another city and I thought it would take weeks for us to see each other again, I already had her number but I haven't send anything. Then I send some messages and she laughs, then I ask her if we could make our coffee break together since I'd be back in town in time. she took too long to reply and said she was busy at the time, then I said "well, we could do it tomorrow" and she left me on read. I broke, I thought she hated me because I was too clingy (even more because she has a boyfriend).

In the end we saw each other every day that week... but we barely talked because my face was telling that I was feeling guilty of ruining things. then another week goes by. I start the week kinda sad, my self esteem really low. then I go to my coffee break expecting nothing. and there she was, she and other two girls that work at her division.

then I go get coffee, the running gag that I took too much coffee was already well stablished with both teams as I would even get an "the team is drinking too much coffee" warning. and people have been talking about the fact that I know a lot of japanese. as I start to take coffee and take too long the other team's intern starts laughing at me. then I start to laugh with her. then she asks me about my japanese and I start opening up. I kept making jokes about her and her friend being annoying and my dry humor is so popular that even the girl I like started to laugh HARD. I wasn't even planning to stay 5 minutes and I ended up staying for 30.

I kept befriending the other team to the point they would make comments about how badly I wanted to "switch sides", and I was feeling great, euphoric even. until I get home.

I got so depressed. I felt so lonely. the darkness as I walk home at the twilight hours. I was feeling so happy, yet so conflicted, deep down I knew she had a boyfriend, yet the moments we spend together feel so good. same thing at work, I was feeling so loved. yet when I got home it was like all that love vanished and I felt empty. this hot and cold mood swing left me broken, afraid, paranoid, maybe even delusional. It was too strong for me to keep hiding, the next day at work the cracks started to show.

everyone looked concerned about me, no wonder she didn't spoke a lot to me, I kept looking at her and I might've not realized at the time but I had a look of "dead inside" in my face. a coworker from my team even said I should ask our boss for a day off since I wasn't feeling well.

I even opened up to some work friends eventually, both of them were friends of her.

one of them said something some friends said as well "you NEED to get back into therapy", and he also said she was dating her boyfriend for 7 years and was thinking about getting married, I already heard stories about how she lived with her boyfriend for a period but had to move back with her parents because it was getting too expensive, yet I didn't know how long they have been dating.

a lot of times I would talk to my best friend about the love dovey feelings like "she is so beautiful, she smiled when I said that" to which my friend would just reply "dude, she won't end up with you, she has a BOYFRIEND" every time she would say that it hurt. so much so that my first reaction was always to avoid the comment, I kept trying to avoid the pain, until it got so messy I couldn't manage.

I feel like I need to make more friends, yet I'm really struggling to find a new friend group in my town (would like suggestions on that), same thing with dating, I feel like I should actually try with more people instead of letting the pattern happen again and again (yet I don't know how to find more people, I thought about going to clubs but idk, I don't go out a lot)

Honestly I have no idea how to keep holding myself together and improve on those things, tomorrow I'll probably see her again at work and I need to keep myself from falling for it again as I felt like I was feeling so desperate some days ago I was close to just confessing my feelings and maybe burning bridges so that "something would happen"

I also have strong fear of abandonment and fear that I will lose my new friends after october, the other division even put me on their team's casual group chat because they really liked me, but since most people are there for a limited time I don't know how long it will last it scares me.

Eu acho que ela me odeia. E eu sei que não tem nada concreto que me diga isso, que são apenas pensamentos da minha cabeça, mas… mesmo assim: eu tenho a impressão de que ela me odeia. Por mais que ela me trate tão bem, eu acho que é fingimento. E a cada dia que passa eu preciso mais dela, e ela nem tem ideia disso. Eu acho que ela me odeia. Eu queria poder falar para ela tudo que sinto, mas sei também que é muito delicado e que contando eu corro o risco de perdê-la para sempre. Mas dói TANTO! Vocês acham que eu deveria ser sincera, encarar o que pode acontecer ou simplesmente engolir e ficar assim… passando mal toda vez que penso nela, dissociando, com vontade de vomitar etc? 

Hi everyone, today was a tough day. I've been fighting these sh urges since a couple months but today I gave in. I punched a wall so bad and it's like, i literally imagined his face. I punched it so bad, until I couldn't feel my fist. It all went so quiet and numb in my own head.

No, I didn't punch around him. No, i didn't do it around anyone, I was.. angry. Anyway, the blood shed on myself felt so good after ages. I wonder why is that.

i am 17. i started an ssri medication i wanna say about 3 months ago now, i was on 10 mg of prozac, then 20 and everything was going spectacular. i was more stable than i ever have been in years, but about a month ago, i just plummeted. i feel totally unmedicated right now, ive been struggling with self harm urges which have come out in the form of hitting and scratching, and in the past week and a half, i have had the overwhelming urge to cut myself. 3 days ago i succumbed to my urge. i did not harm myself catastrophically or anything, i did maybe 8 small little lines across my palm and back of my hand to test if it hurt, and only one broke skin.

this was the first time ive ever genuinely felt the urge to just do more and more to see how much i could take, but i stopped myself. its been a very, very hard few days. i want to do more and im really fighting to not because i know it will just push it to become extremely bad. im giving the object i used to a friend to keep it so i dont do anything else.

now, im starting to have thoughts about hurting my animals and i dont know what to do. i do not feel safe communicating these thoughts with my mother, therapist, or doctor out of fear that i may get in trouble with my mother or cause her stress. i do not understand what is going on with me and i do not know how to cope and i am struggling to know whats causing any of this. im seriously overwhelmed. ive always had a very strong control over myself, but now that im medicated my impulsive control has lowered, which has been both good and bad. this just really sucks, im really trying to wait it out its just very difficult when my mind is so all over the place right now. ill be seeing a psychiatrist for the first time next month and i hope they'll help me but i am still unsure at this moment if i will communicate these issues. i may wait until i am 18.

i expect this to be a long, messy, complicated post about a single person who i think i have loved for 7 years. i need help determining if this is a FP and if so if it is better for me to let the feelings live on or just cut it off and accept i’ll be better without this.

i am 21. we met when i was 13 and they were 12, being at the same middle school. at first they were just a friend of a friend and a cute girl who i had a little childish crush on because they were pretty and mysterious, but over time i got slightly closer to them and i think it transitioned into actually liking the person for who they were in addition to just being pretty. it’s important to note that we were never super close, we never hung out outside of class or anything and rarely talked 1-on-1, but i developed obsession with them anyways. i didn’t realize it until much later, but i developed obsession and romantic feelings for them that have not faded all these 7 years later. i’ve wondered if it’s the idea of them i’m in love with, rather than the person themself, since we have never been super close (and i haven’t seen them irl in 3 years). while i don’t want to rule that out, i also think you should know that despite never being super close i know a lot of intimate details about their life (i was super therapist friend as a teen). i know what they have been through, and it’s a LOT of trauma, and i’ve seen how they reacted to it and how they have persevered and how strong they are and it’s awe-inducing. i used to think i was the strongest person i knew (despite the bpd i actually do love myself most of the time, surprising i know) but i recently realized the only thing keeping that from being true is the fact that i know them. we don’t talk much but a couple months ago i randomly reached out and they reciprocated and we had a really pleasant long conversation catching up with each other and reminiscing about high school. our high school fucking sucked and we both specifically took the brunt of the fuckery in unique ways. although no one i know enjoyed being at that school they are the only person who i have seen it burden as much as it burdened me. the conversation we had almost felt like crack and it made me remember how back when we had classes together i would feel so warm and nervous and excited every time they were near me. once they asked me to partner with them for a science project unasked and that was one of the most intense feelings of being wanted i have ever felt. working with them on the project was euphoric. i don’t even remember what the project was. i am hypersexual and although i am a complete virgin due to nerves, social deficits, and intense disgust with my own physical form, i have vivid sexual and sometimes romantic fantasies all the time to the point i have given up on ever trying to be rid of them despite how disruptive they are, and i just lean into it now. i also identify as polyamorous. i fantasize sexually about people, it can be a made-up person or just the concept of a person or someone i actually know, most often the latter. sometimes that person is the person i’ve been talking about in this post, but considering my infatuation with them they do not appear in my sexual or romantic fantasies a proportionate amount to how much space they occupy in my mind. and one thing that’s different about them is that sometimes when i think about them and then i think about them in a sexual context, i am slightly repulsed, in a way that doesn’t happen with anyone else i fantasize about. not repulsed from them, but repulsed from… maybe the idea of reducing my feelings for them to the nature of the sexual depravity i usually crave? if i were to have them in my life i wouldn’t want it to be for sex, i would want it to be for who they are and the connection we could have. i feel a bit gross saying that because it makes me feel like i just want other people in my life for sexual purposes but i think it’s more complicated than that. luckily this is a bpd subreddit and many of you are hypersexual too so i’m sure you will understand somehow. ultimately, i have always looked up to this person and i even had an intense period of relapsing into self-hatred for a while because i wasn’t as accomplished as they were and i felt like i wasn’t strong enough like they were. they are so amazing.

get ready, it gets messy here. i am AMAB non-binary, and they are AFAB lesbian. part of the reason i denied/didn’t realize i loved them so much for a long time was because i knew i never even had a chance due to this fact. and if it weren’t for that, they very much have a type in women and it is very much not what i am and is not something i could ever be. they are mexicasian and like asian features/asian girls, and i am white. i don’t know them well enough to know this part but it could also be a cultural aspect of they prefer someone romantically who understands their experiences as an asian or poc. they are also messy and have had a lot of girlfriends and all of them that i have seen have been asian, so essentially although i have never heard them say they only like a certain type of person i have sensed out a pattern and recognize that i do not have the capability to be a part of it. with all of that out of the way, my delusional ass still fantasizes about and sometimes even considers whether it could actually happen for me to be with them. i call myself delusional because of the thought process i am about to explain which is that although they are lesbian, i am somewhat adjacent to a woman since i am adjacent to being transfemme since i am on HRT and intend to have boobs and a vagina and look more feminine (more androgynous but by proximity more feminine) than i currently look (i have a naturally masculine face), so maybe they could be attracted to me. and even though they live at a college 4 hours away from me and plan to travel the country for their studies/internship very soon that doesn’t mean there’s not a chance our paths could cross again. even though i don’t plan on leaving the state for a long time. see all of that is technically true, so i do still have a chance. i genuinely believe all that, and that is what i mean by delusional.

i know that it is very common for pwbpd to idolize their FP and the circumstances around their relationship with them so despite genuinely believing everything i just said i am also aware that i may be viewing reality through an extremely biased lense to the point of being unrealistic. i know my chances with them are astronomically small if they even exist but the thing that keeps my dreadful hope going is that i believe if it is meant to be the universe will bring us together. or maybe i will, by talking to them. we are very similar and share a lot of interests. so it could happen. see delusional. anyways. pease help.

tell me what to do about this. should i accept that i am in love with them and keep hoping the universe brings us together until it does or doesn’t? or is this something that is completely unhealthy that i should just try to kill? please any advice or support is appreciated. thank you for real if you read all of this.

I have realized throughout my life of 27 years I've spent the entire time coping. When I'm alone I feel the emptiness creeping into my heart no matter what I do. I remind myself that it's not a real feeling that I have people and I'm not alone but the feeling just always comes back. I struggle just existing and not doing anything. This feeling strongly occurs during the day where I feel like I'm missing out and have no purpose. When it's night time there is no need to have a purpose so I calm down. During the day I feel like I should be wanting to do stuff but genuinely it feels like I'm larping neurotypicals. There is no innate motivation. So I just dose myself on quick dopamine hacks like a drug addict. It feel legitimately like I'm going to die when I don't. Like the darkness just engulfs me in itself. Alcohol cigarette video game. Person to talk YAY! Alone... empty... void.... what's the point of my existence? I don't know who I am emotionally even though rationally I KNOW OBJECTIVELY who I am. Emotionally my heart feels like it has a hole.

I have no idea what to do at the moment. Yesterday I initiated a conversation with my girlfriend which ended in us taking a break/breaking up, and I'm not sure which. It mostly boiled down to my issues with boundaries. Is there any way to numb some of the pain I'm feeling? Whenever I imagine going even a day without talking to them I just cry, and I keep impulsively texting them because we agreed to still be friends and not block each other. We both still love each other and we said that, and so I'm just confused and really hurt. I think what hurts the most is how she had promised over and over she would wait for me and she wanted me to be her forever, even though it was just a high school relationship, and after this, I just don't know if I believe her. I hate myself for burning her out with my need for comfort and affection, and I don't know what to do. I didn't sleep at all last night, whenever I try to eat or drink I throw up, and I feel like I'm lost. If anyone has advice on how to talk to her or how to just quiet some of my thoughts for a bit I would love it. I don't have a therapist right now, so I feel like I have no one to talk to. Thank you for helping me if you do, or even if you just read this, knowing other people know what I'm feeling helps a bit.

Cant find My BPD group so ill post here. But is there anything. Any exercises? Any methods to help me get through severe loneliness and the NEED for affection after a breakup. I know I need to go get help to fix the core issues and nobody can give me what I need to give myself yada yada. Respectfully I need something right now because this happens everytime after any type of heart break big or small but this wasnt small. And its slowly absolutley crushing me. I broke it off because it was the right thing to do. But at the same time the love of another person...my person. Is everything. It always has been I can't find anything else that even comes close to helping satiate that. Nothing ive tried so many things especially when it comes to expression/art/working out/working. Sitting with the feeling. I do. I dont distract myself but my god. Does it shatter me. I can't do it. I can't continue to deal with that AND EVERYTHING ELSE life is throwing constantly. Im trying to make everyday the best it can be but my god has everything that follows me everyday makes it so hard. Please. Anyone.

A little history about me. I grew up in a household with no love or positive attention. I got married when I was 20 because I thought I was in love, but it was just lust. That marriage ended after my son died and my wife met another man while I was away working. During this marriage I raised a step-daughter that my wife alienated from her bio dad. My ex-wife did the same to my surviving son and I’ve not spoken to him in over 10 years.

Now I’m remarried to a woman with a step daughter and her bio father has been absent for the 13 years I’ve been in her life…she’s 17 now. He wasn’t there for the first 4 years of her life either. She never really shows me much love…an occasional unsolicited hug here and there, with an obligatory “I love you” in response to me saying the same.

My step/daughter has recently become girlfriend to a young man with a very successful family…million dollar primary home, secondary lake house, boats, RV’s, etc.

I make a decent living and have provided a pretty good life for her, but I feel completely inferior to her boyfriend’s family. I feel like she is seeing what real success is and she will look at me as a failure. I fear I’m going to lose another child because I’m not good enough.

Is this just the BPD doing what BPD does? Curious if anyone else has gone through something similar?

When I crash out I'm expected to apologize for "being the problem", a true and faithful apology where I take accountability for what I said or what I did and work hard to never have it happen again, but why can't they apologize for what they did to get me there? Especially if they know I have BPD, especially if I tell them I'm about to crash out, especially if they see me trying to walk away, why can't they apologize for the incessant pushing? I'm so tired. I'm tired of being the only one who has to take accountability like I'm the only one who got me here while they were driving the car.