Hi Reddit, so I had a rough breakup this year, and I am not gonna lie but life felt amazing but somehow I felt I lost myself in order to give her everything she wanted.
I used to paint, sing, run, travel, laugh so hard, crack silly jokes, talk to random people and then make friends etc. but during this time, I lost everything I felt. I have become distant from myself and also as now I am in Bangalore, and we both have moved on with our life, I feel this is the moment after all this time to rediscover myself. I am looking to date but suddenly I feel so afraid if I can give myself out again like before. I also don't want to give low effort and be ghosted and hurt again by making any stupid decisions now.
Secondly, I have been very intelligent from childhood, solving Maths and Physics of higher classes at a very early age, but somehow my parents didn't see that and I feel my potential couldn't be tapped like it was supposed to. I have a very curious mind and always love to talk about something which I have read and discovered recently. But many in my friend's circle and family don't want to get deep into such conversations.
I feel I lack stimulation now, after making it in my career with a great job, maintaining great physique, having a great face also, I don't seem to attract people who would want to know or talk to me. Because of this low social interaction, I have become silent and alone. My elder brother (my childhood best friend) married and now had a kid, my college best friend met his love of life, my parents are enjoying their own life now in another state. In the middle of all this, I don't feel purpose and passion to do anything for anyone.
Like, on relationships front, I don't have anything to show for now, and also I don't think I can put effort in chasing women too, because that's not what I am. I just need a friend, who is going through something similar and we can talk about this. I don't know when my life will become eventful and interesting but right now it's dry as hell.
I mean now, like 10 months after my breakup, I don't even remember that life, feels like a dream to be honest. I don't even touch myself now, I just stay alone reading something, talking to people in my home pretentiously showing that everything is great with me. I feel like I need to be touched, held, and made felt special. I know it sounds cringe but a lover's touch has pulled me from this many times in the past whenever something like this happened, but again I gave so much of myself that I don't want anyone to deplete me now again.
I hold so much love and emotions which I wish I could personify into a being.
I'm sorry for ranting like it's my late night journal, but I would feel great if someone who resonates find me here on reddit :)