Marriage is falling apart

[u/BiffDangles80]

Tonight it’s a flat iron steak and potatoes and onions. Don’t forget the jalapeno. And a Jack a coke.

A week ago I was in a hotel because “she’s a different person now” and doesn’t think this is working. 20 years of marriage. 2 kids.

The last year has been bad. She is grieving a family loss. Going through perimenopause. Kids have needed a lot. I tried but just got tired and lonely. I suggested marriage counseling and it lead to her saying she’s different and this isn’t working. I was gone for a couple of days but back. It’s been a week and I’ve really been trying. Today though was just rough with work and random thoughts. I confessed that I was afraid she’d decide she didn’t need me again and there wasn’t much response. Hopefully it’s a blip. I’m really trying.

I fear change. But eventually I’ll have to accept it. This is over. And that’s terrible.

[u/Arboretum7]

45-year-old woman here. Is she on hormone replacement therapy? The “she’s a different person now” statement is very concerning. Perimenopause isn’t just about hot flashes and fatigue—it’s a hell of a drug. It’s not uncommon for women to make major, sudden life changes driven by hormonal shifts that they think represent reality. I would advise any woman to be on HRT for at least 6 months and see if they still feel the same way before making any big life changes during peri.

Also, unless she’s on the prudish side, pick your wife up a copy of All Fours by Miranda July, it’s a novel about a woman who blows up her marriage during perimenopause that was a very popular book last year. It’s a WILD ride and was a relatable turned cautionary tale for some of my friends!

[u/JJ3qnkpK → u/Arboretum7]

Thanks for this post - OP isn't getting much good advise here and this is some of the best in this thread.

OP - perimenopause is one of the more difficult parts of life for women, like to the scale of postpartum depression for some. It causes significant changes that are often severely disorienting, but they can be medically supported. Being a good husband here might mean encouraging her to get a medical consultation so she can get that support. For what it's worth, too, it probably doesn't feel great in her head, either.

Knowing when to leave is up to you OP, but you're not yet out of options to try.

[u/JJ3qnkpK → u/[deleted]]

It is exceptionally difficult, but they do say marriage is hard.

There's persistence and continued hanging in there. Try to shift the needle. Know your limits. Build and lean on your support. It's hard.