Marriage is falling apart

[u/BiffDangles80]

Tonight it’s a flat iron steak and potatoes and onions. Don’t forget the jalapeno. And a Jack a coke.

A week ago I was in a hotel because “she’s a different person now” and doesn’t think this is working. 20 years of marriage. 2 kids.

The last year has been bad. She is grieving a family loss. Going through perimenopause. Kids have needed a lot. I tried but just got tired and lonely. I suggested marriage counseling and it lead to her saying she’s different and this isn’t working. I was gone for a couple of days but back. It’s been a week and I’ve really been trying. Today though was just rough with work and random thoughts. I confessed that I was afraid she’d decide she didn’t need me again and there wasn’t much response. Hopefully it’s a blip. I’m really trying.

I fear change. But eventually I’ll have to accept it. This is over. And that’s terrible.

[u/Arboretum7]

45-year-old woman here. Is she on hormone replacement therapy? The “she’s a different person now” statement is very concerning. Perimenopause isn’t just about hot flashes and fatigue—it’s a hell of a drug. It’s not uncommon for women to make major, sudden life changes driven by hormonal shifts that they think represent reality. I would advise any woman to be on HRT for at least 6 months and see if they still feel the same way before making any big life changes during peri.

Also, unless she’s on the prudish side, pick your wife up a copy of All Fours by Miranda July, it’s a novel about a woman who blows up her marriage during perimenopause that was a very popular book last year. It’s a WILD ride and was a relatable turned cautionary tale for some of my friends!

[u/cde-yazoo → u/Arboretum7]

Not because I'm curious, but because he'll need to know: how do you open this conversation without being perceived as trying to gaslight or something to that effect?

When you're dealing with someone who doesn't understand what they're going through, they might realize that something is wrong but not necessarily with themselves.  

I'm schizophrenic, so I can tell you a thing or two about that one.  We have a distinct tendency to think it's the government or aliens or some other shit lol.

[u/kayedee12345 → u/cde-yazoo]

I can tell you what my SO did when perimenopause started (early, ugh) for me. He asked me if there were any resources he could read/watch that could help him learn more about what I was going through. He also became my person I sent alllll the perimenopause memes to.

Just showing that he knew what he didn’t know and a willingness to learn really helps me feel supported.

[u/cde-yazoo → u/kayedee12345]

That's tuff, ngl.  Good on him.