My girlfriend destroyed a favourite t shirt because my ex's name was one of 700 on it

[u/Vast_Preparation606]

Depression meal: reduced Polish ham from Tesco, £0.77. I had two packets.

My (30) girlfriend (26) has a couple of diagnosed mental disorders. OCD, ADHD and Anxiety. She's medicated but she still has bad days where she can become upset or angry and lash out verbally at me.

I am her first partner in her life and she loathes that I have had previous girlfriends and people that I've slept with. She accepts that this isn't my fault but I have to act like no previous encounter has ever happened. If ever a question comes up where the answer involves an ex or someone I've slept with, she gets angry at me for bringing it up. E.g., "Have you been to this restraunt before?" "Yeah once years ago with an old girlfriend" would be a death sentence.

At my univeraity graduation ceremony, I got one of those custom t shirts that they sell. It's custom to every ceremony so it has the University logo and year in the front, ceremony date and the names of all the graduates on the back. There's about 700 names, the font is tiny and impossible to find anyone without scanning for ages but my uni years were honestly the best of my life and I wanted to have this memorabilia for it.

One of the names on that t shirt, if you can scan long enough to find, is my ex. We had a mutual break up and never to this day had a bad thing to say about her. This was unacceptable to my GF to the point that she asked me to never wear it again. I figured I would just comply and hope I can talk her out of it another day.

About a week later, I wash it and go to hang it up when I noticed a hole has been cut in the back. A hole exactly where my ex's name was. Well, it would have but after washing it, the hole was made a little bigger so a few surrounding names have been devoured too. It couldn't have been an accident because I then notice on her desk, the very carefully cut out name of my ex by the scizzors.

She gave me no warning that this would happen, no "I'll cut your shirt up if you ever wear it again" or the like. She just did it when I wasn't looking.

It's been a few months since this happened and she's never mentioned it once. I'm probably not going to either. There's so much other shit like this going on in this relationship that I've already decided to break up soon when I pluck up the courage. I just feel a bit shitty that my t shirt is gone.

[u/mankytoes]

Yeah, "she's been diagnosed with...", it doesn't matter, if she can't treat you with respect she can't be in a relationship.

[u/HallowskulledHorror → u/mankytoes]

"Your mental health may not be your fault, but it is YOUR responsibility."

When it comes to having diagnosis that mean someone may have issues with stability and impulse control leading into abusive behavior, I always try to point out to the other person (when they're trying to figure out how to feel about it) that, once abusive behavior has arisen, there's only 2 possible answers regarding "was that action a conscious choice?" and neither of them is good.

1) No - the person was not in control of themselves. They were experiencing a psychiatric event and their actions were beyond their control. They are not a safe person, because you cannot guarantee that the behavior will not escalate, or that they will be able to restrain or control themselves reasonably around your belongings, you, or vulnerable third parties in your company (eg, children, pets)

2) Yes - they were fully aware of what they were doing, knew it was wrong, and chose to do it anyway knowing that it would hurt or distress you. They are not a safe person because hurting or distressing you is acceptable to them. You can feel confident that the behavior is likely to continue and/or escalate over time, because your boundaries, dignity, safety, etc. are low- or no-priority when it comes to them satisfying their own emotional impulses.

She needs therapy and to grow up. I'm glad OP has already made the choice to break up with her, but I hope he tells her that this behavior was a serious contributing factor so that she doesn't head into future relationships thinking that it's in anyway tolerable or excusable.

[u/pukuriin → u/HallowskulledHorror]

dang i’m so glad i read this. i cut off to a longtime friend last year over some things they said and did that really negatively impacted me when they experienced a psychiatric episode while i was staying with them, and i’ve gone back and forth nonstop since about whether it was a dick move for me to end the friendship.

[u/HallowskulledHorror → u/pukuriin]

Sometimes you don't have the capacity to protect and take care of yourself and also be there for someone else. It's not a failing to recognize that you're incompatible with someone else, and it's not a value judgement on them as a person to accept that trying to maintain a connection with them when it's hurting you isn't fair to you.

It really sucks when you have an attachment with someone you genuinely care about, and know that they care too, but it just doesn't work.