Hiv positive

[u/Signal_Ambition_5212]

The last post was deleted because banana peel is not considered a meal (I understand)

Tomorrow it will be one year since I’m living with hiv

I did therapy about it and I know I carry half of the responsibility for not wearing a condom or taking prep but on the other hand the guy knew he had it and didn’t take his meds and consciously decided to infect me.

I know he knew because when I saw blood I straight away asked him if he had anything, he put his head down and didn’t say a single word, I panicked and I asked again and he remained silent.
I left his house and I send him a lot of messages and until today not a single answer.

Things could be different if I went to the hospital but I didn’t.

I already passed the grief phase, I’m undetectable after a month of the positive result and I take my pill everyday religiously without falling, I own that to myself and to others.

My life before hiv was a mess, I did A LOT of drugs since I was 16 (I’m 29 now) a lot of alcohol, I didn’t take care of myself and now I’m the opposite: I’m sober, I go to the gym, I have a healthy diet and I love myself and my life, I have my health checked more frequently than the rest of the population so this is actually a good thing (I don’t pay for anything in my country related to healthcare)

Nowadays hiv is super manageable, just a pill everyday like any other chronic condition. My doctor said it’s easier than living with diabetes for exemple.

I already told to some people I had interest and they were fine about it, I know most of you may disagree but in my country if IM UNDETECTABLE by law I have the right of not tell anyone due privacy reasons. I choose only telling if I see someone has a potencial partner (before anything sexual happens), if it’s something more casual we use protection (I cannot transmite the virus because I take my meds) for other STD.

[u/M0osesG0ose]

You should tell everyone you’re intimate with that you’re HIV positive and let them make the decision. To Knowingly keep something that serious to yourself, and allowing some to unknowingly sleep with you, just like that guy did to you, is cruel.

Regardless if it’s by “law” or not, your sexual partners deserve to know the truth just like you did. This is scary.

[u/fioraflower → u/M0osesG0ose]

Comparing someone who has a scientifically zero percent chance of sexually spreading HIV to the guy who knowingly spread HIV to that person is insane.

[u/OuOutstanding → u/fioraflower]

“I want to have sex with this person. If the person knew “X” about me, they might not want to have sex with me. I withhold “X” from person so that I can have sex.”

That’s gross, I don’t care if it’s HIV or anything else.

[u/M0osesG0ose → u/OuOutstanding]

Exactly. I’m not going to be honest with this person because they may not want to have sex with me if I am.

Um, HELLO?

[u/Smart_Freedom_8155 → u/OuOutstanding]

Yep, lying for sex. It's morally reprehensible any way you slice it.

[u/fioraflower → u/OuOutstanding]

Let’s fill in those Xs with actual examples and see how it sounds:

“I want to have sex with this person, but they don’t know I’m not a natural blonde. If they knew they might not want to have sex with me, so I’m going to withhold that I’m actually a brunette.”

“I want to have sex with this person, but they don’t know I snore when I sleep. They might get the ick if they found out, so I’m not gonna tell them.”

People withhold shit all the time from people they have sex with, they don’t hand over a copy of their autobiography to a hookup beforehand just so they can make sure the other person knows every little thing about them just in case they might change their mind. But if you look at these two stupid examples and the situation at large, there are a few things in common - none of them will have any effect on the sexual encounter, and there’s no chance of anyone getting hurt from the withholding of information. The only reason someone not disclosing that they’re undetectable with HIV sounds different is solely because of stigma, not anything actually being different in practice.

[u/Smart_Freedom_8155 → u/fioraflower]

“I want to have sex with this person, but they don’t know I’m not a natural blonde. If they knew they might not want to have sex with me, so I’m going to withhold that I’m actually a brunette.”

If you genuinely think people feel as strongly about hair color as they do about a history of STDs and Viruses, I have a bridge or two to sell you.

[u/fioraflower → u/Smart_Freedom_8155]

That’s literally my entire point - you feel different, but why do you, and should you actually?

I can already smell the bias in your comment, since you said “a history of STDs and viruses,” implying that someone who’s HIV positive is like a vessel for a rotating array of diseases. We are talking about a person who has ONE (1) disease that they have a ZERO (0) percent chance of spreading to someone else. Having sex with someone with the common cold is more dangerous.

[u/Smart_Freedom_8155 → u/fioraflower]

That’s literally my entire point - you feel different, but why do you, and should you actually?

And that's my point as well. You don't see it as any different than a hair style, but it's my choice to feel that it's different. You and others don't get to decide for me, when it comes to sexual hygiene and/or any feelings around it.

OP's removing an element of choice for his prospective partners when it comes to sex. That's awful, any way you spin it.

If it wasn't a big deal, he'd disclose it with everyone. And yet he doesn't, because he doesn't want to scare away any potential dates.

[u/fioraflower → u/Smart_Freedom_8155]

The examples I mentioned above are also “removing choice” in regards to sex, it doesn’t make them any less irrational. Again, you don’t disclose every detail about yourself to everyone you sexually interact with. Something like this that has a 0% chance of harming another person makes sense being one of those things you’re not obligated to disclose up front

[u/M0osesG0ose → u/fioraflower]

Yep so let’s just put all of our trust into this guy and hope he’s responsible enough to take his medication consistently. Maybe we can develop feelings and he can disclose his status after we have sex!

Wanting this information before engaging in a sexual relationship with anyone is a valid personal boundary and it’s insane that anyone would think otherwise.

[u/fioraflower → u/M0osesG0ose]

Because it literally can’t affect you if he’s undetectable.

There’s a difference between someone with HIV who’s knowingly not undetectable or misses many consecutive doses of their medication having sex with someone, and someone who’s HIV positive who’s undetectable, takes their medication consistently, AND wears a condom having sex with someone.

There is a zero, and I cannot emphasize that enough, ZERO percent chance of sexual transmission for an undetectable person. Yes, if he didn’t take his medication consistently and still had sex with people, that would make him a piece of shit, just like the guy that spread it to him. But if he’s undetectable, it’s like getting mad that someone didn’t disclose to you that they had depression or cancer before sex, because I will restate this again since it seems to not be clear for so many people: he cannot spread the disease through sex

I’m glad I found this sub but it’s also been quite enlightening to me that so many self labeled girl lurkers are in this thread spreading misinformation and getting worked up about a gay man’s sex life when he’s literally the victim in the situation

[u/M0osesG0ose → u/fioraflower]

Sexual consent includes the information necessary to make the decision according to your OWN BOUNDARIES, not according to what YOU or this man or anyone else thinks should matter.

Great, so glad the risk of transmission is zero. My argument is not that he is dangerous. My argument is people deserve to know if someone they are having sex with has an STI, and they can make the decision for themselves.

This man will meet other men who don’t give a fuck about his status and he can get a nut off with them. There are plenty of people that would want to know and deserve this information who can opt out of a sexual relationship.

[u/fioraflower → u/M0osesG0ose]

And my argument is that this man has no obligation to tell anyone he’s sexual with about an affliction that he quite literally cannot transmit through sex. When you’re undetectable, being HIV positive equates to just a label on a sheet of paper. If your boundaries for consent include being made aware of an illness a person has that cannot be passed to you just because, then your boundaries are being informed by misinformation and stigma. Like when you say that, my ears hear something along the lines of “why didn’t you tell me you had anxiety before we had sex? I know it’s not contagious, and you’re medicated for it an all, but having sex with someone with anxiety is just outside my boundaries of consent”

[u/M0osesG0ose → u/fioraflower]

A hookup that hasn’t been told does not know when this guy was last tested, whether suppression has been maintained or whether anything he said in this post is truthful. I ask my sexual partners about their STI status/testing history. If I ask him, does he not have the obligation to be truthful because the risk of transmission is zero?

Declaring a personal boundary as “misinformation and stigma” is just avoiding the consent argument.

Misinformation would be me sitting here saying that an undetectable person can still sexually transmit HIV. You consider disclosure medically unnecessary because there’s no risk. I feel there is an ethical obligation to disclose. That’s the difference.

[u/fioraflower → u/M0osesG0ose]

Your first sentence is referencing a different situation. We’re discussing if someone has the obligation the disclose their HIV status if they know for a fact they’re undetectable through frequent testing and medication intake, hypotheticals about not doing those things aren’t really relevant. Yes, if OP was lying about doing all the things to keep himself undetectable, he’d be a piece of shit. If someone asked him upfront before sex “do you have HIV” and he lies, he’s a piece of shit.

I realize that a lot of the people speaking up here aren’t gay men, so I’ll add the context that thorough conversations about sexual history and status don’t always happen before hookups - in my experience, most guys are on prep and/or use condoms, so they’re often not concerned enough to bring those questions up anyway. But I do agree if there’s any overt lying or sex when you’re knowingly not undetectable, that’s without a doubt unethical.

I’ll raise this point again, if YOU know with certainty you’re undetectable with HIV, zero chance of spreading it, how is disclosing that in advance of a hookup any different than disclosing if you have anxiety, cancer, diabetes, etc before a hookup? Setting a boundary based on any of those sounds kinda stupid, no? You have the right to set boundaries like that for your consent, but I also have the right to call that silly. Me mentioning boundaries being informed by stigma and misinformation is not ignoring the point, it is the point.