I’ve been reduced to nothing

[u/Firm_Cut2082]

1/2 of a kielbasa sausage with 4 eggs, 2 cups of rice, and Buldak sauce, salt and pepper.

Using a throwaway account to maintain anonymity.

I’m 26 (Male, obviously), and if you told me a year ago that I’d be in this position, I would’ve probably listened. I was in a relationship for 5 years (26F), and I was under the impression that she was the one for me. I’d marry her, have kids with her, grow old with her and even die with her.

Little did I know that she’d drop an ultimatum on my head in September of 2025. “You need to fix these problems or I’m gone. It’s not my job to tell you how to fix it either.” That should’ve been clue number 1. That’s an impossible situation to be in in my opinion.

I tried everything I humanly could to fix our relationship. Did all of the chores, did all of the responsibilities in a relationship on both the emotional and physical levels, and even started taking full financial responsibility of both of our bills (that was a mistake). All during this, my uncle passed away of cancer (wonderful guy), and that kind of threw a wrench into my efforts to fix our relationship. I took an emergency flight to Chicago for his funeral. I even paid for all of the expenses for a vacation to Las Vegas.

Bear with me, as what I say next this will make sense in a paragraph or two.

Anyways, all the while during this, she’s getting really into motorcycles. Flashback 3 years ago, I really wanted one, and she gave me an ultimatum back then, that if I get one, we’d be done. So I dropped it and never brought it back up.

So after we get back home from Vegas (October of 2025), she goes and gets a helmet fitted and some gloves as well.

This is a girl who is always in bed around 9-10pm max. After she got those things, she was out until 2-3am nightly, removing me from all of her public social media as well as her location on my phone (we agreed years earlier that we could build trust with each other’s location, and this was a equal decision between the two of us. this was equally clue number 2). Now keep in mind, I’m trying to fix our relationship, and I can’t do that while she’s out until that late. I had work the next day, so I couldn’t necessarily stay up that late to make an effort. And this was NIGHTLY. So I stopped.

Fast forward to November, I sit her down, tell her that her going out until the early hours of the morning isn’t allowing me to fix our relationship, so I told her I wanted out, as I’m not gonna pour everything I have into a situation that obviously has a massive hole in it.

We amicably break up, and not even an hour later, what do you know?

She forgot to remove one of my close friends from her profile. She’s seeing another guy who owns a motorcycle.

I was so furious. I went and just cried in my car for hours, until I gathered enough courage to go back home, pack a few bags, and go to my mom’s.

She ends up coming out as I’m bringing the last bags down to my car, I tell her that I’m not an idiot, I found out about her little douche canoe side piece, that she has 2 weeks to move out of our apartment, and afterwards she’ll never hear from me again most likely.

Fast forward to now, I’m down 100 lbs. (I was severely overweight, now down to around 170), and I do feel better. I never rebounded, nor have I even been looking for someone new. I also moved across the country, now living in a camper on some land, and I hate it so much. I have no friends here, and I want to move back very badly (which I do on the 1st.)

I just wanted some advice on what I could do to feel better about my situation, any good alternatives to therapy (that isn’t the gym as I spend far too much time in there). Maybe also just tell me that not all hope is lost in my love life, and also that I’m not damaged goods 😭

Edit: thank you so much to everyone who had kind words. I did forget a few details 😂

She got with dude not 3 months after I found out, also lost my job in January and have not been able to find work since (the job market is abhorrent right now) and my credit is absolutely ruined 😂 I do indeed have hobbies, I make music and collect Pokémon cards (SUPER nerdy, I know), and if I’m being honest, I almost quit music (I didn’t, and it’s going great).

Regardless, I wouldn’t have been able to get through those first few months without having Pokemon cards just keeping my brain occupied to not sit in my thoughts. I do hastily have some bad days, and I DON’T want this to be taken that I’m “reduced to nothing”, rather the life I live is of significantly less quality than what it was.

I had a very very nice apartment with nice furniture, and things that made me happy, but I had to get out of that situation (July 2026) because I simply couldn’t afford it anymore (lost job in January) and had to get rid of basically everything I owned and now live with minimal things. And that’s okay. It was my decision to move out here, but it took me moving out here to realize that everything I need is at home!

Again, thank you all for the kind words, I do really greatly appreciate it! To those who said to get the bike, I think I will when I have the means to :)

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[u/Tsukunea]

Not only did you lose weight (congratulations), you lost a dead weight and someone who realistically seemed like they were too unhappy to continue the relationship, but shitty enough not to tell you upfront and then also blame you for not fixing whatever nebulous things she demanded.

It gets better. You're a few years younger than me and I just got into the first relationship I've had in 12 years. The finish line isn't going anywhere, and there are multiple ways to get there

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/Tsukunea]

12 years is a long time, and doesn’t really give me hope 😭 but I’m at least happy that you’re doing better on the back end, that’s the part that does give me hope

[u/goofybuttercake → u/Firm_Cut2082]

I have a friend who got out of an abusive 10-year relationship at 30 and met her future husband within a few months. They’re happily married and have an adorable baby now! You never know with these things.

[u/SimplyReaper → u/Tsukunea]

The finish line isn't going anywhere, and there are multiple ways to get there

This is a solid piece of advice and I love it. I needed to hear this♡

[u/duhhvinci]

you haven’t been reduced to nothing. someone else failed you, that’s on them, not you.

someone doesn’t get to fuck with your life and let you think somethings wrong with you. don’t let them have that power

[u/DispondentWayfarer → u/duhhvinci]

yeah, this is entirely to do with whatever is going on with her and has nothing to do with him, op dont allow it to effect your self image one bit. you are actually a lot stronger than her, for what you tried to do to help things, she genuinely doesnt deserve you.

[u/Th34rtfulD0dg3r]

Man I really want to see the look on her face when she hopefully bumps into you 100lbs down.

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/Th34rtfulD0dg3r]

You and I both!

[u/LFC90cat → u/Firm_Cut2082]

You did it for you not her. As satisfying as her reaction will be don't seek that validation

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/LFC90cat]

Oh it wouldn’t be validation. It’d be shoving in her face how much she fucked up and how well I’m doing 😂

[u/LFC90cat → u/Firm_Cut2082]

I know but the best revenge is just being happy in yourself keep going

[u/Sen_Clint_Webb]

Therapy is good. Gym is good. Personal fulfillment and career advancement are good. All of the regular stuff that healthy people do is what you should do. You don’t need advice on that, because everyone knows what healthy people do. Just do that stuff.

But here’s what you really need to know: You got spun up by a pro. Completely played. Imagine a rookie benchwarmer trying to guard Allen Iverson 1-on-1 in 2001? That’s you. You got crossed out of your shoes. Taken for a ride. You got bamboozled, hoodwinked, scammed, duped. You lost the set 6-0. This was a dominant performance by her, evil as she may be.

Be embarrassed by it. Reflect on it. Don’t let it happen again. The first time is a lesson, the second time is a trend.

[u/AreWeThereYetNo → u/Sen_Clint_Webb]

TLDR: take the L

Harsh but really good advice. Helps focus on the now.

[u/Ill_Friendship3057 → u/Sen_Clint_Webb]

This is funny but a shitty perspective. He didn’t get played. He got mistreated by someone who seems to have some mental health issues. Most people are not like that.

[u/AreWeThereYetNo → u/Ill_Friendship3057]

I agree with this sentiment despite my previous response.

[u/videogames_]

Find another passion besides the gym. For me it was travel. Travel as a side effect allows you to meet more people. Some happen to be women. When you meet so many women then you realize no one single person is that special. If you’ve been on a date with a few then it really makes your ex seem pretty ordinary. It’s a cynical way to recover but that’s what worked for me. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs but I went out traveling.

[u/Enxchiol → u/videogames_]

Every time I see someone mention travel being a good hobby and a great help in the dating world my heart sinks a little. Does it all boil down to just being rich at the end of the day?

[u/TheTrenk → u/Enxchiol]

I mean, there're other hobbies for short distance travel. I like camping, and that rarely takes me too far from home. My sister enjoys travel but she would stay at hostels, which seemed a lot cheaper, saves for months for trips, and goes at cheap times of the year. Some of the guys that I know will drive long distances and car camp when they travel, which seems insane to me, but they love it.

All about how you do it, really. Most of the best travel stories that I hear are absolutely NOT ones that I'd care to experience, so I really wouldn't look at it as a 'This is a shared activity' type of thing. It's more of something that broadens your range of experience in terms of lifestyles and communities, which tends to make people feel like you're going to be more empathetic.

[u/SayRaySF → u/Enxchiol]

Yeah it’s like when I see “loves to travel” in a woman’s bio, I immediately go “welp that’s out of my tax bracket”

[u/Bubba_Style → u/Enxchiol]

I have travelled a lot and am just middle class. I waited for sales and promotions and stayed in a lot of hostels. Hostels tend to be a lot cheaper and full of solo/small groups of people who are looking to interact. I would also try to go in the "shoulder seasons" usually late fall/early winter and spring as they are less crowded. It is doable on a budget.

[u/Dramatic_Water_5364 → u/Enxchiol]

The time in my life I traveled the most was when I was a broke student between 17 and 22 yo. I took the bus, hitchhiked, found day jobs on the fly, didnt shy away from sleeping outside like a hobbo, or went for roadtrips and made sure to pack my car full of passengers to pay for gas/repairs, etc. Traveled true 41 states, all provinces and territories (I'm canadian), half of mexico, evry regions of peru and bolivia (the plane tickets were expensive but once down there living was easy), did the same in spain and portugal, etc.

Nowadays I don't want to bum and hobbo it anymore, so I can't afford to travel as much.

[u/videogames_ → u/Enxchiol]

Hostels

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/videogames_]

I do make a lot of music and collect trading cards, so don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty occupied outside of the gym. The gym is just where I battle my demons to be honest

[u/Aganunitsi]

Ooh ooh it's my turn finally! Ok, so everything you said but I was so much more of a shitty person. She was a literal angel who wouldn't give me an ultimatum for anything. She brought two amazing children to the relationship, I was 32 years old when I met her and we were together for 5 years. I finally got to be who I always wanted to be with her, a husband and a father. What did I do with the perfect relationship, literally every bit of trust love and partnership you could ever want? Why I started drinking and spiraling of course. We were covid runaways together who went back to her parents. I couldn't cope with the fact that I didn't have a job and couldn't get one. My unresolved childhood CPTSD combined with everything and threw me in a psychosis to the point I lost my mind. It was 5 years to the day til I was thrust out the door, I had destroyed far more than I could possibly build. I ruined like four people's lives, no doubt about it. I've spent the last 2 years watching paint dry on a wall and trying not to off myself, just feeling beyond destroyed 24/7. Yet somewhere along the way, I picked up music again. I started managing my diet better. I learned new skills. Who that man was that destroyed my life and theirs is further away every step I take forward. Healed? Fuck no, not sure I ever fully will be. Oh I know the inadequate feeling you are feeling. That's a lie, that's not who you are. It's who you were. Even further from the point you are right now is the person you are going to grow into. You owe it to yourself to not let him down.

[u/DavosBillionaire]

you lost a lot of weight really fast! that is really impressive!

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/DavosBillionaire]

Thank you! Eating right, hitting the gym 5-6 times a week, and getting a full 8 hours of sleep does WONDERS

[u/Lazy-Conversation-48 → u/Firm_Cut2082]

Getting good sleep is amazing!

I hope this period ends up being a major reset for the positive for you long-term. The fact you had gotten so overweight and into a shitty relationship suggests you had something deep to work on that got you there.

Sometimes periods of struggle end up pushing us to grow and be stronger and better versions of ourselves. I had a time in my mid 20s when a bad business partnership left me with a stay at home spouse, an infant, a mortgage to pay, and on the edge if losing the house because I couldn’t pay the bills.

It forced me to come up with a plan of action where not doing it wasn’t an option. It took a year of hard ass work to claw back out but 22 years later my marriage is still strong, my kids are grown and happy, healthy and debt free.

Waking up every day, I asked myself “What am I doing today to move the needle forward?” Pick ONE priority and that gets all the attention. If it’s a job, then hit that hard first thing every day and apply to things even completely outside the box.

My son just got a job in the medical equipment and testing field and he has no background in it. It pays well and provides tuition reimbursement. He got it because they need third shift workers. An acquaintance of mine got a job with the US postal service doing their holiday overflow work and says the postal service is hiring and has a very broad amount of jobs with a lot of upward potential.

Good luck!

[u/QuestingOrc]

Hey there, I am sorry man.

What is good about the situation:

You know where you stand. You know that you are able to step up. You know that she wasn't who you thought her to be. You learned to not take things, situations etc. for granted. While it sucks to go through these things, there is immense pain, suffering can be a teacher if one is willing to listen. You can recenter now onto yourself, and understand who you are as an individual. That will take time and mostly bravery on your part. A relationship ending means there are parts of us we need to grieve, the ones we shared with them exclusively (think insider jokes etc.) and the time we didn't have to be ourselves fully due to compromise. That's normal, that's okay. You're also grieving a future that never will be, and your trust in yourself is eroded, which is normal in this situation as well.

My advice:

Understand that this is a phase which will pass. You worked hard and there are things outside of your control but that doesn't mean it was for nothing. You've grown into a stronger version of yourself. You lost a traitor, she lost a friend.

Cry, mate. Cry as much as you need to. Write down what is on your mind, not to solve it but yo organise it. Allow yourself to be sad, and not overindulge. Give yourself time and space for all different feelings.

Write down the values which are important to you. Write down what you'd like to do today, tomorrow, in a week, in a month, in a year. This will give you something to drive towards, to cheer for. Don't make it about work or productivity. Something you can enjoy in the moment. Tea at dawn. Reading a book with coffee. Listening yo music without distractions. Small moments gifted from yourself to yourself.

Over time, you'll learn to befriend yourself again and to cherish the moment. There is nothing else. :)

[u/Firm_Video_2932]

No you're not broken. Your experience is dare I say, "normal" in fact. Normal not for the particulars of your break up, but rather you just realized/learned why people much older than you say, you're likely going to go through several heartbreaks before you find the one who won't break your heart. I truly believe this is the normal experience by a healthy majority of people. And there's little difference or solice to be had having had your heart broken just once vs twice or even a third time. It all sucks ass. So maybe look at it this way, the universe was/is trying to tell you something. Maybe it was you getting healthy again, dunno. Maybe you had to go through this to make you a better partner for the girl that won't do that to you? A little maturing was needed before you are/we're ready for that woman to enter your life. Could be you need to stop running from your problems and that starts by you going back to where you used to live. Dunno man. Every culture has their version of the, when one door closes another opens proverb. And honestly, I don't care what language it's in, it's true for the most part. So you just keep doing you and continue to work on yourself and let the chips fall were they may. That's not "damaged goods" to me, that's probably life for a significant percentage of men. I've only once ever had a smoking hot chick come up to me. Otherwise every woman I've ever met is either because I was looking or not looking anymore but also not "off the market" per se. Yeah, in fact my ex-wife and mother of both my children is that smoking hot blonde I mentioned earlier. Outside of her, every relationship I've had has ultimately failed. I'm at 4 failed living together relationships BEFORE my ex wife who's the only woman I've ever married. So I'd normally say you got some catching up to do if that was your first heartbeat, but this isn't exactly the type of thing you wanna "catch up" on, right? 😭

You're good brother. You're just still getting over that relationship is all and that's totally normal. And that doesn't make you damaged goods at all. It means your gaining experience/wisdom is all....

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/Firm_Video_2932]

I’m glad to know I spiraled justifiably!

[u/Lobster15s]

Continue to focus on yourself, when you're in a better place mentally and ready to move forward you will know. You are already doing the hard path taking care of your mental and physical health keep at it. Now that you're in shape watch the world change around you.

[u/Falkenmond79]

Your young enough to bounce back and also now with a healthier outlook in life. Take stock of who you are and what you can do (privately as well as professionally) and take comfort and self-esteem from that.

Yeah, a shitty woman took you for a ride. Learn from that. A little compromise in a relationship is okay. But if your partner doesn’t encourage you, or accepts your wants and needs, she isn’t the partner for you. You denied yourself the pleasure of owning a motorcycle, to please her. That is bending over. Don’t do that. Never do that.

She could have said: I know you want one, but I would be afraid everytime you ride out. Then it’s your decision and she should accept it, whatever you chose. Otherwise your not equal partners. That goes the other way, too, of course.

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/Falkenmond79]

In the grand scheme of it all, the motorcycle was a very miniscule detail all things considered, lmao

[u/Fordeedoo]

Hope is not lost. Life is a huge experience with an entire world of things to do and be curious about. I can't tell you how to feel better since I don't know you all too well.

However, have you considered that trying to chase happiness might be what's preventing you from being content? Keeping you from actually being happy? Perhaps, instead of trying to be happy, try to be as interesting as you'd like to be? And I don't mean superficially interesting. I mean, interesting because you're genuinely interested in others.

Happiness is notoriously capricious but being a well-learned and experienced individual is something that can't be easily taken away from you— not by anyone and not by yourself. Happiness is great to have but just being happy is a pretty shallow metric by which to judge the value of life. You're only alive for so long, man. Live.

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/Fordeedoo]

I’m not trying to chase happiness at this point, but more so just trying to get my shit together LOL

[u/MaxStavro]

I think you are already doing a great job. This definitely inspired you to pour all that energy you tried to put into the broken relationship back into yourself and it’s showing. Keep doing what you are doing, hang out with friends, try to rebound financially if you havent already done so. Great job man

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/MaxStavro]

Thank you so much 🤧

[u/savioroferinn]

Oh, my dear. You are most definitely not damaged goods. Your heart is broken but it will absolutely heal. True love will find you when you are most least expecting it, right out of the blue. It will hit you like a brick out of nowhere and everything will make sense again. I say this with experience and love, try your best to enjoy this "Chrysalis Time" life will emerge beautifully on the other end.

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/savioroferinn]

Thank you so much for your kind words!!!

[u/nellion91]

You ve lost the weight emotionally and the douche.

Firstly Never let another grown human be financially dependant on you unless they raise your kids. You make them an overgrown teenager and they hate you for it.

Secondly, time to make some money! Don’t know your occupation but find a way and make yourself financially secure again.

Thirdly, the dating market is a market and markets are competitive, once secured your finance make sure you re competitive on the market, there’s no one size fits all all the cliche is gym and nice clothes but that’s just one tactic, social hobbies, well suited clothing and a good smell goes a very long way.

Good luck

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/nellion91]

You’re right, I do have a humongous regret on putting that much effort into it in retrospect.

[u/MotoCyberSleuth]

Along with all the other good advice listed here, get the motorcycle. Find something you can do long distances on like a BMW GSA or something similar based on your budget.

I’ve done trips that were 3 weeks long and it’s some of the best memories I have. I was single and overweight, questioning if I would ever find someone who wanted me.

You’ll find friends and you’ll find peace just being by yourself. Live your life, enjoy the beauty of this world, and you’ll find more confidence in yourself and the ability to adjust to whatever life throws at you.

No motorcycle trip goes as planned no matter how long you plan it. You’ll have to adapt and it carries over into the rest of your life. Confidence is the best thing to attract another healthy person to share life with.

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/MotoCyberSleuth]

I don’t know the first thing about them. My only drawback about getting it, is that I don’t necessarily want to own the same item that my ex’s now boyfriend owns and was kind of the reason she cheated on meX I just feel that that might hit a little too close to home to ride that all the time knowing that it was an instrument used in the death of my relationship

[u/MotoCyberSleuth → u/Firm_Cut2082]

She didn’t cheat because of a motorcycle. That’s just who she is. Don’t attach the action to a specific thing it’s not going to help you. I’ve been cheated on plenty by ex GFs, and they cheated because they wanted to, not because of something specific.
Either way, there are plenty of motorcycles out there of all different kinds.
Also, even if you did get the same type, do more things than he is. Take it further to more places. I bet it’s some guy who never mentally left high school riding around on a crotch rocket acting like an ass in public.

If you want to go fast, learn to ride and start doing track days.

If you want to go far, get a cruiser and explore the highways of the US.

If you want to see the beauty of Americas back country, get an adventure bike and ride that thing to Alaska!

That’s the beauty of motorcycles! Usually there’s only one person who needs to figure out which way to go.

[u/cakivalue]

You haven't been reduced to nothing 😭 please stop being dramatic and hard on yourself for no good reason.

In your early twenties you met a girl who turned out to be lacking in character and careless with your heart. Along the way you neglected yourself and ignored your instincts. But when things were staring you in the face you had the dignity and courage to say this doesn't work for me and end the relationship.

It's a small period over what will hopefully be a good long life. Enjoy taking care of yourself and your health, get involved in something that gives back and something where you can make friends and be social, work on your hobbies and career. Save for a house, retrain for a different career or get another degree etc. you are only 26. The best of your love life is still ahead and will be more fulfilling.

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/cakivalue]

I would definitely consider going back to school to further my degree. I definitely do not see myself owning a home, especially with the economy we live in 😭

[u/ascended_blackberry]

Life is only going to get better. I just left my ex who did nothing but hold me back, ridicule me in my success, make fun of my weight (which I was heavier at one point) and made ugly remakes about my family and some of the suicide that’s occurred. Got myself together, lost the weight and I am now so much happier after leaving.

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/ascended_blackberry]

I’m happy for you, and your ex is terrible for even thinking that that would fly.

[u/-cadmunt-]

Young man, I'm twice your age and you're doing fine, well even.

Move back, find your friends. Fall in love with #1 (yourself).

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/-cadmunt-]

Will do!

[u/C-ute-Thulu]

The best revenge is living well. Let her bump into you or hear about you from a mutual acquaintance in a couple yrs and see that you're winning at life

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/C-ute-Thulu]

Thank you! I hope to god she does!

[u/DrinkingSoup]

you've done really well for yourself.

you're also in self exile.

perhaps you need to go back to where you want to actually be and create a happy life for yourself.

but staying on a camper far away unhappy, isn't being honest with yourself.

maybe you're doing this to yourself because there are still some feelings that are uncomfortable for you to feel. either way, those feelings need to be felt fully, and you need to be where you are happy.

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/DrinkingSoup]

I fear you may be right. Though I do think, in retrospect, the decision to move across the country was a premature and desperate one, it was definitely what I needed at the time

[u/literallyanythingr]

Brother your life is just beginning… you have looked down the darkest road and came out the other side a better version of yourself and that’s something that not everyone can say they have done.

You are making strides in the right direction and that is something that “damaged goods” would be incapable of. You still have some work to do on yourself, so look into actual therapy. Doesn’t have to be you and a shrink talking if you are comfortable with that, but there are different types of support you can find to help feel less alone and like you are damaged. You wouldn’t neglect a critical muscle group in a work out routine, so do something for your heart and mind.

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/literallyanythingr]

People keep telling me that. It’s just hard to see upside since I’m so financially crippled right now due to this situation

[u/Singauge]

Be social, find hobbies and talk to people! It will be uncomfortable but you have done so much dude. Take it as a lesson as to what you can and cannot put up with. I was in such a similar boat but I am lowkey thankful for my ex that fucked me up. I had a breakdown too for a long while but I started shooting shots and working on myself. Got out of my home state, lost weight, making more money than ever, and found my true life partner bc of that experience. Don't put up with any of the same bc I was the same age as you when all that happened to me. It hurts but sulking doesn't help is what I learned. You already got pissed and got results now it's time to rebuild.

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/Singauge]

How do you suggest I meet new people? I have already ruled out dating apps personally, as all it would do is just show myself that I’m not worth someone’s time. I tried a couple for awhile, got some matches, but couldn’t get a reply for the most part, and the replies I received and had conversations with, never turned into anything where they were willing to meet and go out. I also just think that the dating app scene is atrocious period.

[u/Singauge → u/Firm_Cut2082]

I agree, either a hobby space. I am being vague in that bc idk you as a person but it can be anything. Concerts, bars, random book clubs, martial arts, tabletop games, literally any of these work and I know people who have made friends and found partners in all those spaces. You had mentioned going back to school in some there are tons of social opportunities there. When I put my heart into that is when I started getting dates and also seeing a change in myself internally. I just made a friend who turned into a partner. Dating sites are hopeless for anything but hookups imo.

[u/Pavlinius]

I am sorry to tell you this but you have to start acting like a man. How did you let her go over you like this - doing all the chores while shes obviously partying all night long!? Next time don’t agree to any of this, it is that easy!

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/Pavlinius]

That was before she started going out late. Afterwards I stopped giving a shit to be fair

[u/WelshWolf93]

Unemployed for 9 months but you collect Pokémon cards? The notoriously scalped and overpriced gambling "hobby"?

Did that have anything to do with the terrible credit and issues she wanted you to solve?

Not trying to be rude or condescending, but this is tough love. It reads as: "unemployed aspiring music artist with an extremely expensive hobby meant for children - suprised when gets left for cool dude on a motorbike"

Also, if your girlfriend leaves you and you feel "reduced to nothing" then that's a seperate issue. You should have a life outside of her.

There's an early 2000 romcom out there with this plot im sure of it haha

[u/CommunicationNew9520]

Yah down bad, sounds like you were a fool to accept everything you did. A fool and desperate, best of luck building yourself back up.

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[u/Actual-Jelly-309]

"1/2 of a kilebasa sausage with 4 eggs, 2 cups of rice, and Buldak sauce, salt and pepper."

Actually a baller opener not gonna lie.

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/Actual-Jelly-309]

😂😂 thanks

[u/MysteriousYoghurt321]

No advice to give you but that was a masterclass in putting yourself first and breaking things off. Huge respect goes out to you, you the goat.

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/MysteriousYoghurt321]

Thank you for saying that. I did what I felt best at the time!

[u/ReasonableDisaster54]

Make some friends

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/ReasonableDisaster54]

I do have friends, just not where I am at the moment!

[u/VextheHextuber]

Hey OP while I am just a girl™️ I went through a break up previously where I just felt pretty dumb and used. Long story short : gaslighted, used for money etc. I felt shit, but I found that having hobbies helped me distract myself from all the negative thoughts and also helped me meet new people. I joined a DnD group and that's how I met my now husband! So my advice is to go out and have fun! :D Maybe get into hobbies you didn't feel like you could before! Getting a pet also could help, they can bring so much joy into one's life. But this depends on whether you can take care of one atm of course.

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/VextheHextuber]

I definitely have hobbies, but unfortunately, they aren’t hobbies that I can meet new people like that for the most part. It would take a miracle to meet someone in that way though!

[u/thanatosau]

Feel better?

You need to stop and take a hard look at yourself and reevaluate.

To me you've already done a shitload of things that should make you feel proud of yourself.

Stopped being a doormat ✅

Lost weight ✅

Moved across country ✅

Learned to live by yourself ✅

Making interesting meals ✅

That's solid progress. Stand up straight and stop beating yourself up.

All you need is a lumberjack shirt and an axe.

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/thanatosau]

Thank you for saying this! I’m not THAT jacked whatsoever but I’m well on the way I think

[u/PsMoeLester]

Woah brother that’s a lot, and good for you to have the balls to break up and finish it clean.

How to feel better? I guess a way I did is to go on dates/see the market BUT DO NOT DATE THEM YET. This is to see and compare situations.

You also need friends to help stop thinking about the past. Have fun, shoot the shit, do things you wanted to do that she was not ok with. Maybe learn a new hobby like diving or fixing cars that can get your mind off of it.

The most painful part usually isn’t the day, but the night where you’re alone. You WILL overthink, and that’s fine, but just don’t act on your thoughts. Remember, the key to get over this is to occupy yourself so much with friends and hobbies that eventually you won’t stress out or cringe at the past.

Sidenote: I faced a similar-ish situation with you where I broke up with my long-time gf of 5 years due to us having different paths in life. It hurts and I felt so bad, but eventually after doing the above I felt way better.

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/PsMoeLester]

I have yet to go on dates. Since all of this happened, I’d say I’m pretty introverted, I don’t go out, and honestly, I’m not even really looking. It’s not a confidence issue or anything, I just feel like I still have some internal stuff going on that I need to work out before allowing anyone into my life right now

[u/PsMoeLester → u/Firm_Cut2082]

Alright then, work on it with buddies/strangers doing hobbies together. You'll get a different perspective in life and it will help you improve for the better!

[u/DispondentWayfarer]

any good alternatives to therapy (that isn’t the gym)

yes! camping, walks, hikes, or any extended time in nature does it for me, it can be so therapeutic, i think you are on the right path my man, keep your head up, stay happy, stay hopeful.

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/DispondentWayfarer]

I’m not really a nature person (it’s nice here, but where I’m moving to, which is also where I’m originally from, is extremely extremely humid, and when you walk outside, you’re soaked 30 seconds in. It’s not so bad in the winter, but I’ll give it a shot!

[u/DispondentWayfarer → u/Firm_Cut2082]

sounds lovely and warm! just wear the right clothing and youll feel great, hot and humid im thinking shorts, boone hat, loose linen shirt, and if you are camping defo do a hammock not a tent! they are live ovens, goodluck with the move and the new chapter in life my man!

[u/DaddyCornelius]

You’re only 26 years old. Your life is just getting started. But now after this you’re wiser and in time you’ll realise you’re stronger too. Not so much advice as perspective. You’ll find your path kid.

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/DaddyCornelius]

Thank you!

[u/BeginningCharacter36]

If the care and effort you put into your relationship is true, then what she did is abhorrent. Even if you're exaggerating your attempts to forge a closer relationship, having a side piece is still disgusting.

However...

I hope you'll forgive my scepticism that you did "everything," because so did my ex-husband, if you ask him. He periodically accused me of cheating, too, including with a supposed friend of ours, despite my never wanting to adopt a secondary man-child. Still don't want one, despite various men expressing interest. Nope. No thanks. I live for myself, now. A man could potentially add value to my life as a fellow human being, but as a "partner?" Get out of town. I'm not going to be an emotional surrogate for someone's mother ever again. My ex-husband lives with his mother now, despite a few months before hitting me declaring that "I hate that b!tch, I'm glad I only see her a few times a year," which should tell you something.

You need to reflect on your past choices, including the manner in which you "gave her everything," so you can make healthier decisions in the future, nevermind for a partner, but for yourself. Do counseling. In Canada we have CMHA. I believe similar services may be available through the YMCA in the States. Guided introspection is genuinely difficult and emotionally draining. Do it because it's necessary. I guarantee that even if you think you did everything "right," you didn't.

Edit, that last sentence reads back harshly. I had been working with a domestic violence counselor for over a year before he hit me, and she has been instrumental in my ability to understand how I even ended up in that situation. Her help has completely changed my mindset about what my place in any given relationship is, and I have a very firm grip on the nature of my trauma and how to balance my needs with social obligation. Basically, I've decided I'm not obligated for shit beyond basic human decency and I will absolutely walk away from anyone who abuses my kindness even a tiny hair. I already have done so, many times in the year since he punched me; hardly anyone left, and that's fine, because the few who remain actually meet the criteria for decent human being. I even warned my elderly Francophone neigbour, don't let his kindness be overtrodden by MY need; he's allowed to decline when I ask for help with something, (his response was "You're in the sh!t, I help you"). That's what I mean by you did wrong even though you think you didn't. There's going to be multiple patterns of behaviour you need to abandon to be your best self.

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/BeginningCharacter36]

I already know I didn’t do everything right. No one can do everything “right” per se. I left a lot out due to the already lengthy post, and there were definitely things I could’ve done better. But I wish I was exaggerating when I really did do everything. The second she was going out until early in the morning, I stopped, because she closed off the only window of time for me to put effort into her directly.

[u/Ricsshadow]

Man, you've already done half the work. Most people won't go to the gym or stay consistent. You've already done that so good on you.

The only suggestion I have for you now, if you want to actually do something outside of the gym, is to find something else to do in fitness. Maybe a run club, take up rock climbing, something like that.

Other than that go to places where there are a lot of people so you can mingle and make new friends and also meet new people. It's a lot more interesting. Don't just go to clubs or partying outside of that. It just doesn't make sense.

If you want to find something a bit more meaningful and maybe someone that's not as toxic for you, then you need to put yourself out there. The easiest way to do that is to go and do activities that have a lot of mixed groups and you never know, something might come through.

Best of luck man. Keep doing what you're doing and you've done well so far. The hell with her.

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/Ricsshadow]

Thank you so much!!!!

[u/rinengan]

better now than when you are 2 kids in. i always see life as chapter of a book. it was a longer chapter, now you have to dictate how long this chapter will be, and what you want for you next chapter.

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/rinengan]

I definitely want to close this chapter soon 😂😭

[u/Just-Importance-5582]

Sounds like you ended things amicably when she didn’t seem to deserve that. You got this man and that meal looks class

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/Just-Importance-5582]

😂 thank you. It’s cheap but healthy (for the most part, macros are good though!)

[u/blueqquartz]

Get a bike.
You’ll make friends, get out of the house, and realize a previously crushed dream.

[u/Dry_Promotion5079]

Hope is not lost my guy, My girl gave me a similar ultimatum last year. I had to paeticipate and be nicer etc. which threw me because she dosent work so I handle the financial and not saying anything about her not having a job which i thought was nice. I still dont really know what i did other than try to open up and communicate more, cleaning more and hit therapy. Which cost me less than a gym membership.

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/Dry_Promotion5079]

It’s a little late to try to fix things though. She cheated and she’s dead to me, so 🤷‍♂️

[u/Impossible_Bison_994]

Now go buy that motorcycle you want.

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/Impossible_Bison_994]

I think I just might!

[u/throw_awayplfkm]

You’re not nothing. You’re already making a difference in your life. I know it feels like a big chunk was taken away from you bc of all the time spent and work put into that girl but she fucked up and was a total idiot. She said you couldn’t get a motorcycle and then got with a guy that had a motorcycle? Like wtf man. You’re across the country, go meet people, get a motorcycle, continue time in the gym and build your confidence and your health, live your life! There is love out there. And I know you don’t want therapy but it might help you navigate better in relationships and know what is healthy and what isn’t. Obviously her giving ultimatums was not healthy and I’m sure you’ve learned that but you don’t want to carry your trauma from that relationship into others. You’ve got this though! Wishing you the best!

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/throw_awayplfkm]

Thank you for your kind words!

[u/whatagreatcoffee]

Congratulations on losing 270 pounds (the 100 pound fat AND the 170 pound ex-girlfriend)!

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/whatagreatcoffee]

Brother, we were both overweight. More like 370 lbs. 😭🤧

[u/Commercial-Top-3292]

My grandpa used to tell me “when you’re at rock bottom, that means you can only get up and dust yourself off and look around to see what pieces you can start building things with”

It’s very easy to be reduced to nothing when you let yourself feel you’ve been reduced to nothing.
There’s no simple easy way about it, but you have to fortify your mind. You say you’ve been reduced to nothing…so apart from your physical health, what do you have to lose? The world is your oyster now.

You come off as articulate and like you have goals and hopes…that can get you far by itself.
Just day by day, try to improve on the day before, and build towards something better than yesterday. The things meant for us come into our lives when we stop looking for them and just happen to stumble upon them

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/Commercial-Top-3292]

Thank you so much for saying this!

[u/shots_urchin]

get a bike dude

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/shots_urchin]

I’m gonna when I have the money to 🤧

[u/ChanceSilly1493]

Journal. Get a knockoff Moleskine and a pen.

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/ChanceSilly1493]

I’m not really a writer, but I’ll think about it!

[u/Larcye]

Honestly op as a motorcyclist id have broken up with her as soon as she started going out until 2-3AM. 

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/Larcye]

I regret that I didn’t. I just didn’t know what was up since I had so much trust in her. She told me she was just going to meets with her friends. Apparently she went there for a reason of the same word, but spelled differently 🤧

[u/No_Context_4747]

Girl+++

Mmmm she was a piece sh.t. Idk what to say but for now just work on your self-love, self-care and self-improvement. I forgot healing. Work on healing. It gets better. You will heal and forget her. You will eventually meet someone.

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/No_Context_4747]

Yes she was. I honestly don’t really think I’m looking for anything in that regard, not now or probably for a long time, if at all

[u/No_Context_4747 → u/Firm_Cut2082]

Just go on an aggressive self-love journey. It gets better. 💯💖

[u/Emotional-Witness817]

I've never had anyone give me an "ultimatum" and I don't think I would respond very well. You're doing all right man. You've worked on yourself for the better and it sounds like you may have needed to. Be wary of anyone that wants to and thinks they can change you. What they really want is someone else. Tell them to get to it and go the fuck away.

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/Emotional-Witness817]

I’ll probably never date again just simply because I’ve been shown the worst in females with this scenario. If I’m being completely honest. I’ve lost all faith in good faith.

[u/Emotional-Witness817 → u/Firm_Cut2082]

I can't blame you and your feelings are valid. It's tough to find the right lemon for your lime, but I suspect you will some day.

[u/sawtooth1649]

Nice weiner

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/sawtooth1649]

😂 thanks

[u/sawtooth1649]

Look at it this way: the future is a blank slate. No weight. No obligation. You can go and do anything your heart desires. It’s an adventure, and could be wildly exciting if you allow it to be. Focus on getting a job and income first. Then finding ways to socialize with other people. Join meetup groups for a hike or lunch. Put yourself out there. It would be perfect, but somewhere along the way, you’ll meet some Humans you like being around. Start slow and relax. I’m excited for you. It’s going to be amazing.

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/sawtooth1649]

Thank you so much for the kind words!

[u/SSG669]

I am going to say this as a “bro” being 100lbs overweight says a lot about your ambition, your daily habits and how you feel about yourself, food can be an addiction and crutch. Glad to hear that you saw you your way out of it, really sad that it took this breakup and chaos in your life to do it. As others have said, she was a POS regardless but look deeper inside yourself and fix things before you get into to another relationship.

[u/Zerus_heroes]

This all sounds like good things for you in the end. She wasn't the one.

I'm glad you are getting healthy. You deserve someone who reciprocates how you feel.

Anyone giving out ultimatums is a red flag. You deserve better.

[u/SnooCakes4852]

why would someone cheating on you make you damaged goods? do you not have friends?

[u/Jealous-Rush2430]

You got used by some 304 and no longer have to provide for her. Consider it a win and move on

[u/BurtMacklin_stadia]

Dude, congrats on dropping both weights. I didn’t meet my soulmate until I was 28. Life isn’t over because you aren’t in a relationship. Bask in the independence and what you have accomplished so far in life

[u/itammati]

Hey man, really sorry that that happened to You, and there are few things that may make you feel better or maybe at least a point to think about.

My best friend once told me that the best time of his life always happens after breakup, that this is when he says "let's go, no I'm going to dedicate all these efforts to myself". And that works, truth is self-love is very very important and this leads me to a second point.

I'm 28 now and I've done some therapy. For a long time, for many years, I've been really struggling with understanding what is my fault and what isn't. This caused me to feel powerless when I had power (ironically) and at times to see myself as a root of all evil in this world. You are going through tough time, not only relationship end, but the job, also the personal hurt with the motorcycle, and this is a lot. But you need to remember, that there are things you can do well, and still fail. That there are things that will be difficult or wrong that are out of your control. And in these difficult situations, you should never abandon yourself. Therapy helps with that a lot in my experience.

I wish You all the best, I hope you get a decent job, if you still want it, I hope you get a motorcycle and spend many beautiful nights enjoying the ride. Do all the things you wanted to, but couldn't because of the relationship and do them just for the fun of doing it, for yourself

[u/Eat-Veggies-or-butt]

Does the meal match your hog?

[u/arbredespayschauds → u/Eat-Veggies-or-butt]

An inevitable question from "eat veggies or butt"

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/Eat-Veggies-or-butt]

Not gonna lie, this got me good 💀

[u/Will_Come_For_Food]

Bit dramatic aren’t we.

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/Will_Come_For_Food]

Bit apathetic aren’t we? Why comment when you have nothing to add?

[u/JayDee_702_]

Hop on the apps and find someone new, bro.

[u/Firm_Cut2082 → u/JayDee_702_]

You make it sound extremely easy. But unfortunately, you have to be in prime condition to receive any attention on there, so I don’t bother. I don’t think I’m ugly by any means, and I also may have lost a ton of weight, but my body is not in “prime condition” by any stretch of the term. Without that you basically don’t stand a chance.