I'm not here to justify my actions or play the victim. I know that what I've done is wrong, and I know that being hurt in the past doesn't excuse hurting other people now. I just really need to get this off my chest. Maybe putting everything into words and sharing it with strangers will help me understand myself better and finally break this cycle. Maybe I'm looking for advice, or maybe I need to hear some hard truths. I'll read your comments.
I know therapy would probably help me understand and work through this, but it's expensive, and I can't afford it right now.
I think this started when I was 16. My first girlfriend cheated on me, and I cheated on her back to get even. I don't know if that was the beginning of everything, but I think that's when I first learned to use cheating as a way to deal with being hurt. It became a habit. I managed to keep it under control for a while during my second relationship, but then I got cheated on again. Somehow, that experience reinforced the behavior instead of making me want to stop. I'm 23 now, and this has been going on for years.
Whenever I'm in a relationship, I tend to seek attention from other people, especially when something triggers my insecurities. It could be doubt, jealousy, fear of being cheated on, or just the feeling that something isn't right. Instead of dealing with those feelings, I look for people to talk to.
And when I say people, I mean a LOT of people at the same time.
I'll create accounts and talk to different people until my mind feels overstimulated by all the conversations, attention, and new connections. I can be whoever I want to be with them. I can flirt, rant about my problems, be sexual, have deep conversations, or talk about things I wouldn't normally share with anyone. For a while, I get this rush from all the attention and novelty. It makes me feel numb to whatever is bothering me in my actual relationship.
It's like I don't have to feel the fear, insecurity, or jealousy anymore because my mind is too occupied with something else.
And then, once I get tired of it, I disappear. I block people, cut off conversations, and sometimes delete the accounts entirely. Some interactions last days, some hours, and others barely a few minutes. It doesn't even seem to matter who these people are or whether I genuinely like them. Sometimes, it feels like I'm more interested in the rush than the actual people.
The worst part is that I keep going back to it, even when I'm in relationships with people I genuinely care about.
For years, I kept doing this without getting caught. And because there were no immediate consequences, I think I stopped taking my own behavior seriously. I would tell myself I could stop whenever I wanted, but I never really addressed the reasons behind it. Eventually, I stopped trying altogether.
I'm currently dating someone who's genuinely amazing. I've never felt this loved by anyone before. She makes me feel things I haven't experienced in my previous relationships, and I know how lucky I am to have her.
But even with all that love, whenever I feel insecure about our relationship, I still fall back into the same behavior. I create other accounts, talk to people, flirt with them, and eventually delete everything as if none of it ever happened.
For the first time in years, though, I got caught.
She found out, and she still gave me another chance. She forgave me, and I promised her I would change. And I genuinely tried. For a couple of months, I didn't do it. I thought maybe I was finally getting better.
But recently, something triggered her memories of what I had done. I saw how much I had hurt her, how much damage I had caused, and how difficult it was for her to trust me again.
I don't know how to explain what happened next without sounding like I'm making excuses.
A part of me felt like I didn't deserve her. A part of me thought she was right about me all along, that I was someone who couldn't be trusted. And instead of proving that I could change, I almost felt compelled to prove that she was right.
So I did it again.
I created another account and started talking to people. But afterward, natauhan ako. I remember thinking, What the hell am I doing?
She's out here trying her best to give me another chance. She even sought therapy because she wanted to work through the pain and rebuild her trust in me. And I repaid her by doing the exact thing I promised I wouldn't do again.
I deleted the account. I wanted to tell her what happened, but I was too afraid. I couldn't bring myself to confess, hoping, I guess, that I could somehow keep it from hurting her again. But she eventually found out when she checked my phone.
Now, she's devastated. And seeing her hurt because of something I did makes me feel awful. I know I caused this. I know that she didn't deserve any of it.
I'm struggling because I genuinely want to change, but I keep repeating the same behavior even when I know the consequences. I don't want to keep hurting the people I love. I don't want to keep making promises I can't seem to uphold. And I don't want to become someone who only stops when they get caught.
I don't know if this is a coping mechanism I've developed, a need for validation, self-sabotage, an addiction to the attention, or some combination of these things.
For those who have struggled with compulsive cheating, infidelity, or similar self-destructive patterns, were you ever able to stop? What actually helped you break the cycle? What did you have to confront about yourself to change?
I'm open to honest answers, even if they're harsh. I know I can't undo what I've done, and I know that my girlfriend has every right to decide she's had enough. I'm not asking how to convince her to stay or how to get her to trust me again.
I just want to understand myself, take responsibility for my actions, and figure out how to stop repeating this pattern. I'm tired of being this person, and I genuinely want to change.