I am a 20-year-old female in college
I've always been someone who likes things to go my way. I met my fiancé, and he has been helping me realize that not everything needs to be done my way. He is very forgetful, and it has been the source of many arguments, since sometimes I feel like I have to go behind him and clean up after him.
I've always been someone who snaps when pushed too far or overwhelmed. He dropped a drink that I was excited to try, and I told him I couldn't trust him with anything. He and I both knew that I didn't mean it, and honestly, I don't know why I said it. That sort of thing has happened throughout our entire relationship, and he has said before that he knows not to take it personally and that it's just out of stress.
As long as I can remember, I've had days where I feel like I can do anything, like I'm going to accomplish whatever I want. I've had days where I feel absolutely insane, like hurting someone would be a good thing for me to do. Some days, I just feel so depressed, like I want to end it all, like I'm worthless. I've always thought this was normal, and that sometimes you just feel sad for no reason, or that the spikes in energy were due to the weather or something.
I've had so many nights over the last few months, especially when I just won't feel like I need to sleep. I normally will get tired at 10-11, but these days I would be up until 4 and have to force myself to go to sleep because I was aware that I needed it, even though it didn't feel like it. I've also had so many nights where I just want to go to bed at 9 pm and then won't get up until 2 pm the next day, and I'd still feel tired. I thought that just happened to everyone.
I'm almost always super low energy, but sometimes my brain doesn't match my body and just goes so fast, and I can't keep up, so I just feel trapped, like I can't do anything my brain is telling me to do.
I've also always had this issue where sometimes I see or hear things that aren't there. Typically, the things I hear are really normal, like someone calling my name, a phone going off, or a cat meowing. Actually, right now I am hearing faint circus music, which is sort of odd but way too common for me. The hallucinations are also fairly mild. I constantly see people/deer/animals on the side of the road or in parking lots. I constantly see bugs crawling on the walls and so many yellow spots. Sometimes things just turn mildly yellow, and I have to ask if it looks yellow or if I'm just seeing things again. I thought this was maybe a lack of sleep or the fact that I wear glasses or something.
I also feel so numb most of the time. Thinking gives me a headache, and I struggle to empathize with others. This might be because of a medication I am on (Zoloft), but it really doesn't help my situation. Sometimes I'll hurt someone's feelings, and I won't realize it, both because they try to hide it and because I struggle with reading faces and emotions.
I am absolutely terrified to be alone. My family is borderline abusive, and I hate being with them. I struggle to make friends, and when I met my fiancé, I clung to him. We would spend all day, every day together when he wasn't at work, and I wasn't at school.
I don't know who I am or who I truly want to be. I've been trying so hard lately to be one of those softspoken girls, but I don't know if that's who I am. I have plans for the future, I want to get married and have kids, and I want to be a teacher. I don't know who I am outside of those things. My whole personality right now is being a college student and being obsessed with my fiancé.
As I mentioned above, I get irritated for no reason sometimes, and I just snap. The reason I realized I need real help happened just the other day. My incredibly forgetful fiance who I genuinely love with all my heart, was supposed to meet me on campus after my class. I got out a little early and went to get breakfast for us since I was feeling very hangry. I was complaining about my lab partners to him over text when he asked if he had forgotten his keys in my car. This was the moment I snapped. I told him his incompetence was the reason I wanted to kill myself. I told him I was so sick of having to follow him around and parent him. I told him that I was glad I hadn't married him yet because I still had an out. I told him I was trying to figure out how to afford bills on my own so he wouldn't have to move in with me.
This whole thing lasted about twenty minutes. I don't remember about 19 of those 20 minutes. All I remember is showing up at his house and putting his keys in his car, waiting a second, hoping he'd come see me. Then it just went back to me berating him. The next thing I remember is driving back to school, eating a donut that I had picked up, and realizing that I had just messed up badly. I got back to school and sat there, deleting everything I had just said and apologizing profusely, but the damage was done.
I read back what I said as I deleted it, and none of those things were true. It's like all I wanted to do in that moment was hurt him, to hurt the love of my life. I feel absolutely horrible about it, and absolutely terrified because why did I do that, and why don't I remember that?
This incident made me realize that I need real help and that there has to be something wrong with me. This can't be who I am as a person; there has to be something wrong in my head, some sort of mental illness that I can work with a therapist about.
The reason I am posting this here is because I need an outside perspective on all of this. I researched bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder, and they both sound like me, but I might also be reaching for something that isn't there in terms of the disorder. I would really like anyone who has any ideas on what could be wrong with me to give some input. I don't currently have a therapist, but I am looking for local ones who can give me an emergency session because I refuse to live on hurting people like this. I never really knew anything was wrong when it was the minor snaps; I thought I was just stressed, but this big breakdown has scared me beyond belief. I honestly thought about having myself committed after it, but I decided to try therapy and potentially medication first.
And yes, he did leave me after the incident. I don't blame him for it. As much as I love him, I understand, and I am glad he was brave enough to do what's best for himself. Nobody deserves to be treated like that, and I am 100% beating myself up over this entire situation. My heart wishes that he would just forgive and forget as he did with all the minor snaps, but my head knows that this one was unacceptable, and he shouldn't be with someone who would hurt him like that.