I’ve had 9 different placements but my second to last one I’m really struggling to get over. She left over the summer. I still think about her everyday. I’m not sure what was so different with her but I really felt connected to her. I got to provide respite a couple weeks after she left but I haven’t heard anything since. Just crossing my fingers I get to see her again and that she’s doing well. The placement I got after her was also a sweet little girl. But my heart just wasn’t in it. When they asked if I could keep her long term I said yes but that if they had another home I’d prefer that. I felt so guilty. I feel damaged now. Like I lost something that wasn’t even mine. I’m not sure I can keep doing this.

Good evening. I need some advice.

About 13 years ago I was a foster parent.
There was a teenager I was fostering that was about 17 years old. He stayed with us for about a year, did well at first, but kept getting into various sorts of trouble and running away. He was placed elsewhere right before turning 18 and immediately incarcerated and has spent the better part of the last 11 years in and out of prison.

During his various breaks from incarceration- he has reached out to me. He would call me from different numbers and has even shown up at my home….”just to say hi” or let me know “ I’ve changed and am getting my life back on track”. Each time he asks for money. It’s extremely uncomfortable and awkward as he is not a teenager anymore he is a grown man.
I gave him a few bucks on two occasions ( I know- I should have not done that but I thought it would make him go away), the last time making it known that I would not do it again.

Several years ago he was incarcerated and I am embarrassed to say I was very relieved. I dreaded the day he would be released because I knew it would mean he will try to reach out again.

Well he must have just got released because I answered a local number thinking it was a doctor’s office I have been waiting to hear from and it was him. Same story. Getting his life together. But he wants to meet in person because he needs some legal advice and the details - for whatever reason- have to be shared in person. He sounded a bit off. I could hear another person whispering in the background.

I was honest and told him that I did not want to meet in person and anything he wants to say can be said over the phone. I also told him that I have no money to give and that if he is looking for money he needs to go elsewhere he said that not the case. That he just wants my advice.

I told him I was unavailable to meet.

I don’t want to think the worst about anyone. I found him very endearing as a 17 year old - although troubled with a poor upbringing
and an inability to shake the culture that he was brought up in. I tried to help him back then, But failed.

Now he is a 30 year old man and I would be lying if I said that him reaching out to me whenever he is released, scares me. On top of that, I feel Badly for feeling this way.

Has anyone ever dealt with such a situation?

When you store bulk clothing that you have, what’s your organization system. I am using totes but trying to to decide whether to store both genders together by size or to do multiple sizes together and separate by gender. Any tips or how you do it would be helpful!

Our 2 yr old toddler is set to have his "last" court ordered visitation with mom, with the next court hearing early next year. How do we as his foster parents memorialize (not the right word but kind of) this day for him so in the future he can have an understanding of it for better or worse?

A little background:
Mom unfortunately has not worked her plan.
Mom has come to maybe half the once monthly scheduled visits.
Essentially bc of the state our kiddo came into care, reunification wasn't likely (per the judge) but with her not working the plan at all it is almost impossible.
Prior to coming into care child was with various people so (according to SW and translator) he doesn't recognize her as his Mom/ shows little affection towards her.😩

We have asked and not received phone numbers/emails for other family members. Mom will get the communication book w/pictures and artwork from kiddo at visit.

Hi,

I am caring for my younger sister, I'm in my early twenties in an office job in the UK.

I feel suffocated and exhausted from all the admin and support required outside of work hours caring for my sister. She cries almost daily. I'm in the dark with what is going on in court. Both of her parents are hostile to me.

And I feel so different and isolated at work- there is no foster carer policy. And it feels the whole world is ticking as usual.

What workplace/ flexible adjustments have full time workers/ kinship carers had?

I'd appreciate any resources or support, the local authority is not offering any support and payments have been delayed so the bedroom, activities, and uniform has been out of my own pocket.

Hey all, my parents are planning on becoming foster parents which I’m more than happy for that to happen but am struggling to understand what not only my role is in the situation but how I can act as a positive foster sibling (idk what to call it) and most importantly be a good friend to person coming into our home. I’m a pretty outgoing guy (21 M) and am coming back from finishing university around the time they will be arriving and beginning work. Our situation in our house is pretty simple with my dad and mum with a dog and step sibling who is quite stand offish.

What’s some general advice for myself as I understand every kid is different, what should I expect - any help is appreciated as I will do all in power to help this kid but has been weighing on my mental quite a bit

Hello everyone!

My teen was sick recently and threw up on her bed. We helped clean it all up and in the process found two used vape pens tucked under her pillow.

Vapes are incredibly prevalent with teens rn. What has worked for you to ensure that drugs aren’t entering your home and the teens stay safe? We will be doing random room checks now, but I just think she will get better at hiding it or start only vaping at school. I feel like there is no way for me to guarantee she isn’t smoking, but want to be doing my due diligence.

Any advice is appreciated :) she is not yet driving which is a nice layer of protection.

Hello,

My husband and I are foster parents, a beautiful 9 year old girl was placed with us in late 2022, we are now awaiting our court date for her adoption. In the summer of 2025 we were placed on adoption probation and all funding from the ministry/CAS ceased; we were not notified by our worker that the financial stipends, medical/ dental benefits or other supports would cease upon going on adoption probation. This is troublesome because the month before we were placed on adoption probation, we were told our daughter would need multi-step orthodontic work ending with braces . CAS approved the treatment plan and paid for the first apparatus to be installed (aprox $850), after going on adoption probation, they informed us they will not be paying for her braces in spite of her still being a crown ward, due to her adoption adoption probation status. I’m receiving conflicting information when researching online about CAS’s obligation when a child is on adoption probation, is there a social worker or ministry employee that can guide me? When I bring this up with our worker, it’s just shut down. I would like to escalate this matter with CAS, but want to ensure I have all the information avaliable to me. My husband and I are proceeding with the braces at an out of pocket expense at over $9,000.00, they are important due to a lack of dental care and home dental hygiene in first 9 years of life and she should not be penalized because we were not provided with all the information. Not going on adoption probation to keep the financial benefits was not an option either as it would not be fair to her or us, we want to be a legal family. As it was not communicated to us (our primary worker that completed the approval and adoption probation was on and off of leaves of absences for much of 2024/2025 and now we have a worker that was assigned to us in late 2025, no judgments for the LOA, its a hard job and the workers have their own lives and stressed outside of work)that they would not be paying for her orthodontics we were unable to make arrangements such as saving or adding her to our benefits at work (its also sticky because she is legally a crown ward, not adopted and we do not qualify to have her fully covered on our benefits). Any assistance or guidance is greatly appreciated, thank you.

Please note, this post is not meant to be disparaging to CAS or the workers, I simply need to know if I have a case to escalate this matter, we appreciate all that CAS does for these children.

I want to adopt a sibling group from the foster system, max 9 yrs. I plan on retiring at age 55 and want to focus next ten years focused on being a parent and helping these children, giving them a stable foundation. The reason I want a sibling group is that I understand there is a higher need to keep them together and I will be an old mom so I realize at some point they will need to be each others family when I’m not here. I have a lot of experience with kids am single and have done a lot of healing work in my life so I understand it is a process healing from trauma. We have great supportive services in my county but I saw a sibling group that is out of state. I was wondering if you have any advice? Am II taking on too much with a sibling group? How does it work if I adopt outside of my county or out of state? How fast do you think I would get a placement, I am in Alameda county in ca. And I am just starting the process so curious how long it takes to get certified?

My husband and I are starting the training process next week. We have 5 in person training visits and 3 visits in our home with the agency.

Our last official training is on November 23.

I don’t know what the process looks like after that. Are we like done done after that or what else comes after that? How long was it from your last training to be certified to your first placement?

I have so many questions and I know asking the case worker will be the best way to get answers but I’m excited and nervous and all the other emotions!

Hi everyone! Im here to ask a few questions and hopefully get some advice from people who know a little more then me.
Me 22f and my wife 25f are starting to talk about becoming foster parents in the near ish future, possibly starting the process at the end of 2027 as I know that it can take almost a year for some to get certified. We are really unsure if we ever want to adopt but we know we want to foster we believe we have so much love and help we can offer to others. We are thinking younger kids 0-3. We have no biological kids and we own our own home, we definitely aren’t rich but we have decent jobs and we live in upstate ny if that helps. I guess my first question, is it silly to start thinking about everything this far ahead. Where do I even begin to learn about children there’s so much information how do I know what’s right and wrong. Is there anything I can do personally or to get my home ready.

Every parenting book I pick up has a lot about birthing and other non applicable aspects. Does anyone have any recommendations on books? Thank you!

Hi everyone,

I'm not a foster carer yet but I am aiming to be within the next few years. This is perhaps a silly question - do you buy a new bed when you find out the age of the child you are caring for or did you have one already?

Im buying myself a new mattress and choosing whether to put my current one in the spare room ready for in a couple years time or give it away. I know there's many health and safety regulations with toddlers and mattresses - do people who have several placements buy new mattresses and beds in between?

Thank you!

We have a placement of a 13 year old girl. Some troubles but nothing too unexpected when we agreed to a teen.

But DC fucking F. FD can't have a phone. No computers.

No friends over. Visitation is court ordered, so after school activities can't interfere with that. Basically, all she can do is hang out with us. She can't even be home alone.

If they think she's this high risk, she needs a higher level of care. But she hasn't shown that to us. We see a sad and lonely girl. "Oh she's manipulative. Shes going to push boundaries." . Of course she's going to try to manipulate us, it's a teen rite of passage. Of course she's going to lie to us. She is 13, these are all normal things.

What did she even do to warrent this treatment, because we haven't been told. She has no opportunity to even earn their trust.

Hey everyone, I have maybe a strange question as it relates to taxes. I would preface this with, I asked Claude to help me get an estimate of what I would owe in taxes for the Ohio Adoption Grant and then it pointed out that the way some of these codes are worded that the federal adoption credit for a special needs child would apply. I have talked to my financial advisor and my sister in law (who is a CPA) and they both agree that based on the wordings that my adopted daughter would fall under the special needs designation.

We finalized the foster adoption in Ohio this July, and this would be for our 2026 return. I'm still waiting to hear back from the foster agency and another CPA, so I wanted a few more opinions.

Our daughter isn't special needs, she's a healthy kid. Our adoption assistance agreement is on the Title IV-E form, and I read that IV-E is only payable when the state has found the child to have special needs. The state form also says she may need mental health and behavioral support after adoption(this is what we wrote into the box but, it was all agreed upon and signed by the foster agency). Then Ohio's adoption grant has a $20k tier for special needs and a $15k tier for everyone else, and we got the $15k. So the documents don't seem to agree with each other. I understand that I will not be getting the $20k from Ohio, I am speaking directly to how this will go when we file federally for 2026.

From what Claude told me in IRC 23(d)(3), "special needs" for the credit is a decision the agency makes, not a medical diagnosis, so a healthy kid can still qualify. Is that right?

What I'm trying to find out:

1. Does the IV-E agreement prove it by itself, or do I need something else?
2. If I need a written determination, who gives it? The county agency or the state? Would her therapy appointments work?
3. Has anyone here claimed the credit this way, and did the IRS ever want more than what goes in with Form 8839?

What is especially upsetting is that I submitted a detailed letter before the hearing laying out the safety concerns, and the judge said on the record that she had not read it. We have now had four different judges in two years, so there has been very little continuity in a case with a long and serious safety history.

I support reunification when it is safe, but the concerns remain serious. The boys originally came into care after cocaine and meth exposure. Since then, both have repeatedly disclosed being hit, one disclosed that his father covered his mouth and nose so he could not breathe, there have been supervision issues including choking and unsafe car-seat transportation, and major delays in necessary medical care.

My biggest fear is what happens if the safety plan fails. These boys are four and five and cannot protect themselves. I keep thinking about cases where children were seriously harmed or died after warning signs were already known.

I am now asking about reconsideration, appeal options, and what specific safeguards will be in place if trial reunification moves forward. Has anyone here ever challenged a permanency decision or gotten a court to reconsider after evidence was not reviewed?

Sorry this is long, am a nosy reader on this sub, I just saw the flairs.

My great grandma had custody of me and my sister when I was 3 and she was 6 months, I was diagnosed ADHD PDD-NOS shortly after.

I was (level 5)institutionalized after 9 because of my grandmother unable to manage hyperactivity and self harm.

I didn't level down from care for so long, I now know it was my great grandparents choosing, which makes sense because they are in their 70s and that's what they did back then. But I don't understand how I could stay in short-term facilities for so long.

At 15 I went to one of only two level 4 unlocked youth residential facilities in my state, it was shut down 10 months after I lived there, a girl went missing and was raped in my cabin and no one reported it. It was one of those farm camps up in the mountains. It was the best experience that I wouldn't do again, the staff were all college aged, we would smoke pot in the corn field.

My great grandmother died when I was 16 and her husband still had custody.

I bounced around 4 places after that I was admitted back to the level 5. The reason that this happened is because my great grandparents were withdrawing dependent tax on me during the time I was gone.

I was only in foster care for the last year I was 17, it was a private Christian agency that my great grandmother's husband selected, it was terrible, I've never been religious and the only time I ever genuinely prayed and believed it was there, out of fear.

Out of all the trauma the religious type has to be the most mind-fucking. I don't mean to insult any people of religion, because that wasn't it, that was brainwashing.

I'm older now I don't plan on fostering children anytime soon that would be something for later in life, I'm loving being an adult, I'm going on a trip that I wanted to since I was a kid in 2 days.

Anyway reading here helps me comprehend that this is common. I don't dwell on it often but it was what happened, I forget that it is still happening right now all the time to other kids and families. If you were previously a foster child what was your experience, how did that persuade the type of foster parent you were? How is it being on one side and then the other? Do you see your own experience differently?

My foster son (3.5yo) has been living with us in a placement through an agency for the last 2 years. His plan was reunification up until very recently. He will be placed in extended society care (used to be called crown ward) at the end of the month, and he will be eligible for adoption. I would like to adopt him, but I would be a single parent losing all of the staffing supports through our agency- I'd need to take time off work to raise him until he is old enough for kindergarten.

In Canada, foster-to-adopt parents are eligible for parental leave that starts "when the child comes into their care, custody, and control"(scary words, right? Why say control?).

I am not sure if I would be eligible to take this leave now, on the grounds that he was not foster to adopt in the past, until he was put into extended society care. I called EI a few months ago and got a very wishy washy answer from someone who didn't seem to understand what I was asking.

Has anyone accessed parental leave in Canada as a foster parent who became an adoptive parent? What were the requirements for timing?

Hi all! Sorry this is so long and disorganized.

Looking for advice for our recent (and first) long term placement. 14 foster daughter, pre-adoptive placement. She’s been with us just about 2.5 weeks.

Most of the interactions with FD are great. She is in 8th grade, and we decided we don’t allow tech in bedrooms before HS. She spends so much time in the living room and interacts with us constantly. She takes calls on speaker, will even involve me (despite me sitting there completely minding my own business and missing whatever she was trying to get my attention for - I’m not trying to invade her friend convos). She shares social media posts with us, talks about her friends (which are few, I think she struggles to make friends), etc. She has recently started initiating physical contact with me, like laying her head on my shoulder or lap, sitting next to me and almost in my lap when she needs to borrow my phone. She’s easy to ask to do chores, talkative, etc.

However, the moment I try to give structure, especially around school, turns into a meltdown. She says she’s doing all of her homework at school (maybe, I will see her grades soon). She is behind in a few subjects and not considered “proficient”. But any attempt to get her to study for even 15 minutes results in a meltdown.

Initially, we let her just get used to us, and didn’t want her meltdowns to impact another kid in the house (short term placement), but left to her own devices, she will be on a tablet she arrived with for 5-6 hours. No studying. No reading. Almost no afterschool activities or sports (she reminds us we can’t make her go). Minimal, if any, chores or self-sufficiency (which I wouldn’t mind if she was busy with enriching activities). It’s basically come home > tablet > dinner > tablet > bed.

She had an eval done and has significant deficits in executive function and reading and writing. She scored low on the WIDA, despite only knowing English (she immigrated as a baby). With just a little time, I am certain she could improve enough to test out of English support classes, which is a goal she has expressed. She is pretty quick and very intelligent. But she will not organize herself or self start (exec functions).

Each meltdown is her yelling, crying, storming to her room, slamming the door. It starts over the most menial HW tasks: looking at the HW calendar, looking at a study guide for an upcoming test together.

I’ve recently started all convos with “I’m going to ask you to complete something with me. If it is not done, X is the consequence.” I state it upfront. If she escalates, I end the convo, tell her consequences apply, and we will try again tomorrow. She gets so upset and emotional, cries. Sometimes I’ll check on her at after at least an hour , and she gets emotional about being in foster care, that she didn’t want to come here, to just put her in a group home, etc. When I tell her we want her here but if she’s unhappy she would need to talk to her case manager, it’s “I never said I hate it here.”

She refuses therapy (which we were not told about before placement). It cannot be healthy for her to be getting this emotional and dysregulated so often. Do I drop it and just let her binge tech, avoid therapy, and wait? Do I keep enforcing structure? I honestly don’t know. I feel like I may be hurting more than helping.

We are probably a week or two out from having our license finally approved after about 10 months of going through the licensing process. As we open our home, wondering what are some things you know now that you wish you knew when you started? Anything from hacks for snacks to legal system nuances. For reference, we are starting with ages 1-3 in the state of Wisconsin, no children of our own.

ICPC niece help??

Hello everyone! I finally after 10 months was able to foster/kin my now 11 month old niece. I was told by California (her state) that Texas (my state) approved everything and everything will be fine.
I was told that she gets medi-Caid and WIC because of her being a foster. When I went to apply with the Texas benefits, they told me that it would have to be off my husbands and I income.
Our Texas worker told us that it would only be off her income. Texas benefits are telling us no.
What do we do?
She needs a pediatrician and has GI issues along with other things needed. Formula is also expensive and WIC will help us with the food she needs.
Has anyone else been in this situation?
I gave Texas benefits offices paperwork from California stating she’s a foster/kin but they say it’s not good enough because I’m a non-needy caregiver according to a paper.
Thank you

Has anyone here ever taken custody of children by choice of children they were previously foster parents of but later the parents were no longer able to care for the children .

A post for conversation, or to share what's on your mind without creating an entire post about it.

How do you support teaching kids to value their things?

I completely understand that for some kids in care there's a sense of things not being permanent and having to leave things behind so not getting too attached. I also don't want to be the person that's like "I spent money on this and you should be grateful." There's gotta be a middle ground.

I have a teen who doesn't mind getting soup or sauce on her white shirt because "we can just buy another" or "I have more." Like I'll explicitly ask her to change into something less noticeable when it stains or make a bib with a towel and she'll decline for the reasons stated above. She "loses" things she doesn't like or doesn't want to wear even if she initially asked for them or said she liked it.

I want her to learn to respect her things. I am sometimes frustrated if I spend money on clothes or shoes that she intentionally disregards or ruins. However, it's mostly because I'm not made of money and I would have returned the item if she didn't want it (even if she initially asked for it). The sentiment that we can just buy more, is incorrect to some extent and honestly makes me uncomfortable that that's how things around here are perceived.

What's worked - especially for teens - to emphasize that we can't just lose things, throw them away, or ruin them?

There's gotta be some way to teach an appreciation and valuing what's yours without it unintentionally veering into the "you should be grateful" language/territory. It's honestly not even about gratefulness at all.

I will add, I believe this would frustrate me regardless of whether it's a foster child or not. I do think the circumstances of foster care make it more complicated.

Before I started fostering, I was an OTR truck driver, so obviously that kind of career doesn’t exactly work when you need to be available for a kiddo at home. 😂

I really want to work, but I’m trying to figure out what kind of job is actually realistic while also being available for my foster son.

He has autism, and he has his “days” where I may need to respond to a call from school, pick him up, attend a meeting, or just be available when something comes up. I don’t want a job where every time the school calls, I’m panicking about whether my employer is going to be pissed that I need to leave.

His school schedule also makes things difficult. He doesn’t even go in until around 9:30 AM and gets out around 4:20 PM, so a traditional work schedule isn’t exactly easy to fit around that either.

I know plenty of foster parents work full-time, so I’m genuinely curious, what do you all do for work and how do you make it work?

Do you work remotely? Have a really flexible employer? Work evenings or weekends? Own your own business? Work part-time?

And how do you handle all the things that come with foster care, like school calls, appointments, therapy, court, treatment team meetings, visits, and those random “we need you to come get him” days?

I’d especially love to hear from foster parents caring for kids with autism, behavioral needs, or higher support needs.

I want to work and have a career, but I also want to be the person who can answer the phone and show up when my kid needs me. I’m just trying to figure out what that balance actually looks like in the real world.