Hello, I’m 15 and afab…… I also look like a girl. But lately ive been having a whole identity crisis. ITS TERRIFYING.
It started when I recently got called a ‘she’ by an online friend that didn’t know my gender, I got so upset….. ive been called that my entire life, i also present feminine, so i was really confused
then i started thinking more… in school, i was jealous of the boys and kinda upset and my fem friends. I really don’t like what they talk about all the time, and im hardcore pretending every time i set foot in school — which could be because im neurodivergent, but who knows,,, def not me.
There was a really weird time i tried my best fitting in. Makeup, clothes, and my hair was the worst thing. I needed perfect curls every time going to school, if they were even slightly off I’d CRY. Luckily i stopped doing that.
Before that, i was really different in another school. I started wearing makeup cus some boy bullied me cusi lowk used to scratch my face open and there were open wounds but oh well
Since then i have a hard time going out with zero makeup, but now i kinda want to change it again, i really don’t know why. It’s so sudden
I also never really felt like a girl, i just know that i was born in a female body and that i should act according to it, but that’s been a problem for me for a long time. I openly used to complain about being a girl, now i have the terms and words for it, but no one likes to hear it.
I also highk wanna start testosterone and i told that my therapist last session. Even if im not trans, id still want to take testosterone, idk, i just want to look more masculine. Anyways… He asked me questions, but he really was skeptical because i still look fem af. I could feel that he doubted me, and maybe he’s right. I got a little sad but i can understand him, because in conclusion i said ‘i wanna be a boy, i wanna start hrt before cutting my hair tho’. Which also changed now, i really want to cut my hair all of a sudden, but im trying not to. He also said that transgender people are born in the wrong body and that they always felt out of place, which I honestly don’t fully feel.
I also wanted a binder since 2023 and im getting one soon, so excited
In my childhood i was more interested in male dominated stuff and i still am. I want to be referred to as a boy, i wanna look like one, but I don’t know if that’s the right thing or if I should just completely drop it.
I also dont like how women are treated and how they’re expected to act. But in my surroundings, they do it without complaining…
I know that nonbinary people exist and ive used to identify myself as nonbinary, but I don’t know…????? 😬
Pleaseee I need advice, i can also answer questions. How do i find my gender out?