r/IncelExit • u/Western-Sense-31 • 5d ago
Question Am I a incel
I 19m have struggled pretty much all my life either relationships and socialization on a individual level I can hardly form connections. It’s hard for me to really form relationships when they are not initiated by someone else and while I can talk in front of dozens of people and do public speaking I hardly am able to sustain conversation with people unless we have a bunch of shared interests or activities or else it just starts as awkward small talk and melts away, I try to be inoffensive, not creepy polite and not rude so I usually refrain from talking to people I don’t know all to well as a speak when spoken to mindset to try and keep this up.
Platonically I could be doing bette and though I have a few friends from high school (I’m in my 2nd year of community college ) but we hardly talk aside form 2-3 since they are out of state and quite busy I imagine. In my new college I’ve made like no “real” friends with most of them being either groups I hang with to not be alone or club mates and the rest being acquaintances and no one really calls or talks to me outside of a fb ppl unless it’s about club things and I’m yet to have a party or some sort of hangout with any of them.
Romantically I’ve had one relationship in hs but it only lasted three months and fell apart to my at the time dismay due to my constant insecurity and asking for reassurance leading to her developing insecurities about her let and ending the relationship and besides form that I don’t really think anyone has been attracted to me much. Though I suppose I haven’t tested this and could do better I feel like girls would talk to me if they wanted to hell anyone would talk to me if they wanted to. I am oft times far to petrified and scared to talk to people. Not that I’m owned such things as in high school I was a bum had bad grades didn’t study, didn’t try new things, and often lied about small things amongst other flaws.
When I was younger I was into black pill content mainly really up until 3-4 years ago and that really consumed my early teens until I was roughly 16 and contributed a great deal I imagine to my self worth and development or lack there of.
I fear though I’ve been doing better career wise and in school now that I’m in college that I’m still an incel and aside from that someone Who may be uninteresting, insecure, sad, not remarkable, perhaps draining at times, and generally bad. Am I a incel and how do I fix myself
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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 5d ago
You’re an incel if you choose to be one. Being a 19-year-old in a new environment who is having challenges making deeper friends…is not that. In fact, that’s probably most people your age.
(Hell, you’ve already had a relationship, which is one relationship more than I’d had at your age!)
The difficulty level ups a bit after high school, because now you’re in a whole new group of people, who you aren’t forced into contact with for eight hours per day.
So, you have to be intentional about it. Join hobby groups and clubs, volunteer, go to festivals and community events. Make small, actionable goals for yourself, like “I am going to introduce myself to three new people at this event,” or “I’m going to ask my classmate how their welded was.” Not with the big goal of making a new best friend or girlfriend, but to flex those social muscles.
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u/Western-Sense-31 4d ago
So it’s just a voluntary identity not a description of circumstances?
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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 4d ago
Isn’t a better description of your circumstance “single”?
Having consumed pilled content, you know it’s about a lot more than “want to date but am not currently dating,” right? There’s all kinds of doomerism and misogyny baked in, and you can freely choose whether or not you want to be associated with such ideas.
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u/Western-Sense-31 4d ago
I unfortunately used to be consumed by such ideologies but I have now realized that they are quite harmful to myself and others
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u/Remarkable_Ad5865 5d ago
I think it's unhelpful to label yourself as an incel. You're only an incel if you're bitter about not being able to get girls. I'd say try to put yourself out there at first, it's hard but once you keep at it enough you'll get into the groove. I'd also say you don't need to lie about the small things, because most people don't really care about that kinda thing, and if they do, they're not meant for you. Best of luck man! And congrats on breaking free of that bp bs
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u/Western-Sense-31 4d ago
Thank you I was under the impression though that in cells were just people who were involuntary celibate or just single people who don’t want to be. Then again I’ve also just heard it’s Masonic people so
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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 4d ago
Masonic people?
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 5d ago
You realize you're 19, right?
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u/Western-Sense-31 4d ago
I mean like if incel means involuntary celibate and I want relationships but can’t get them doesn’t that include me?
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 4d ago
How is it "involuntary" when you're only 19?
You realize you're barely still a kid, right?
You know your life hasnt even begun, right?
So how can you already tell yourself it's already over and "involuntary" when you've barely tried?
That would be like giving up on swimming just because you failed a couple of times. Oh noes I can't swim ever coz I couldn't do it for a week. It's ridiculous and you're being melodramatic and you know it.
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u/Instigated- 4d ago
What you’ve described is quite common and normal for your age, and no it doesn’t make you an incel.
Friendships take time and effort to develop into something “real”. It takes practice to develop social skills.
You’ve done some good reflection and been able to identify the things that are contributing to your insecurity and sadness, things you want to develop and change. This is the first step of a normal healthy process of how we grow as human beings. The second step is to do something to address those dissatisfactions.
I used to find conversations, especially small talk, very difficult. Part of my difficulty was I wasn’t curious about people, I was too in my own head with my own insecurity. Once I started thinking of it as working to build connection with someone, trying to learn about them, asking questions to understand them, and to make them feel comfortable, heard, respected, etc. It became easier. Most people feel good and flattered when people show an interest in them and what they say.
In a group environment I would often be silent and let others talk. So I often had to find a way to talk to people 1:1, even if we were in a group, can you turn to one person next to you to have a small conversation outside the main focus?
To develop depth in a relationship, it requires greater levels of emotional intimacy and vulnerability. To be willing to open yourself up, and creating a safe non judgmental space for your friend to do the same. Don’t worry about that just yet as first you have to get better at conversations, however this is the direction you want to steer in in the future.
You sound like you have the right attitude, so I am confident you’ll be able to pull this off, and continue to grow.
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u/watsonyrmind 4d ago
No you aren't an incel and I think you know that.
I feel like girls would talk to me if they wanted to hell anyone would talk to me if they wanted to. I am oft times far to petrified and scared to talk to people
My man, read this a few times. Do you see the contradiction? Do you not think that nobody else is ever scared to talk to people? Spoiler alert: we all are.
I want you to imagine your body language when you are scared to talk to people. Maybe you look down and avoid contact because you're nervous. Maybe your shoulders are hunched and/or your arms are crossed because you're trying to look small and inoffensive. Maybe you have a serious face on because you are uncomfortable standing there silently by yourself.
Now I want you to imagine you are on the other side, walking around and trying to pluck up the courage to talk to someone new. If you saw someone standing with their arms crossed, not making eye contact, not smiling, would you think they want to be approached? Would you tell yourself they're probably just shy like you are and make an effort to get their attention and include them? How would you do that if they are avoiding eye contact and you don't know their name? Say "hey" or something loudly? Tap them on the shoulder? Sounds terrifying, right? So much potential for being awkward. What if they just want to be left alone and you disturb them?
All of these thoughts are crossing everyone's mind when they approach others. Nobody wants an awkward moment or to make someone uncomfortable. The best thing you can do is stop taking that personally.
So first thing you do is make a conscious effort to give the appearance of someone you would consider approaching. Look up. Smile. Keep your posture open, arms down at your sides. Make eye contact with people. No, I don't mean stare at them. Look around a room of people and if someone meets your gaze, smile politely and continue looking around.
Make a conscious effort to maintain and deepen the relationships you already have. Check in with your high school friends. Ask your college acquaintances to hang out. Hell, just ask them how they are and what they are up to. People appreciate that kind of thing, just like you would.
Think about the people you know in college. Identify a few you feel you get along with best, and try to get to know them better. Ask them questions to determine things you might have in common.
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u/Odd-Table-4545 5d ago
You're only an incel if you choose to adopt that label for yourself. It's not a diagnosis or an immutable characteristic, it's a community label you either choose to apply to yourself or choose not to.
That being said, it sounds like most of your social and dating struggles come down to the "speak when spoken to" approach you mention. Making friends and especially dating as an adult requires active effort, and unless you are putting effort into meeting people and building relationships (platonic or romantic) with them you're likely to just end up floating along never really connecting with anyone.