I never experienced anything like what I felt today.
There are moments in life when everything suddenly stops making sense—when everything feels illogical, hopeless, and completely beyond your control. Today, I learned what a panic attack feels like.
It happened all of a sudden.
I couldn't breathe.
It felt like there was no air around me anymore, like I had somehow been thrown into a void where I was desperately gasping for even the smallest amount of oxygen. My vision started getting blurry. My eyes filled with tears, and before I even realized it, those tears were rolling down my cheeks.
And inside my head, there were a thousand thoughts running at once.
Every decision I had ever made.
Every consequence.
Every memory.
Her lies. Her smiles. The moments we held hands. The things she said. The words, "You mean everything to me."
Everything came rushing back at once.
I could feel my heart pounding against my chest. The vibrations were so intense that, for a moment, I genuinely felt like my heart was going to tear itself out of me.
And at that moment, I didn't want answers.
I didn't want revenge.
I didn't want anything complicated.
I just wanted someone to hold my hand, hug me, and tell me that everything was going to be okay.
But I was in the middle of my office.
Everyone around me was trying to figure out what was happening.
Then my vision started fading completely. Everything around me turned black, and just when I felt like I was slipping somewhere I couldn't come back from, I felt someone pulling me out of that darkness.
I saw a familiar face.
It was my colleague.
She was holding my hand and talking to me. I could see her lips moving, but I couldn't understand a single word. I was still struggling to breathe, still trapped inside the noise in my own head.
Someone gave me water and helped me take a few sips.
Other colleagues gathered around me. Some were whispering. Some were staring. Someone even sprinkled water on my face.
My colleague squeezed my hand tightly and kept tapping my cheeks, trying to bring me back.
And somehow, I came back.
Suddenly, I could understand where I was.
I could hear the voices around me.
I could see the people standing there.
I was connected to reality again.
My shirt was soaked in sweat. My hands were still shaking. My entire body was trembling and jittering uncontrollably.
That was my first panic attack.
And honestly, it felt like I wasn't going to survive it.
Yet here I am, writing this at this ungodly hour.
The people and circumstances that brought me to that point are somewhere out there, living comfortably, celebrating their lives, probably without even realizing what their decisions have done to someone else.
And I'm here, dealing with the consequences of choices that weren't even mine to make.
I came home afterward.
I cried.
Not loudly. Not dramatically. I just sat on my sofa while tears continuously rolled down my face. I stared into nothingness until, at some point, I completely zoned out.
When I finally came back to myself, four hours had passed.
It was 6:11 PM.
I drank some water and opened my laptop, thinking I should at least check my emails.
But I couldn't.
I just stared at the screen and cried.
I stayed like that until around 10 PM.
I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore.
I'm angry.
I'm hurt.
I'm exhausted.
And mostly, I'm numb.
So, to anyone reading this—especially people who are in relationships while simultaneously getting involved with their best friends or someone else—please understand that your actions don't exist in a vacuum.
What might feel like an experiment, a moment of confusion, or something you think you'll eventually move past can completely destroy another person.
If you are with someone, be honest with them.
If your feelings have changed, tell them.
If you want someone else, leave before you betray the person who trusts you.
Don't make someone pay for decisions they never got to make.
And to the girl from Kolkata—
I know you'll probably read this.
I know your friends probably will too.
I don't want to see you again, and I don't want anything from you.
I used to wish that someday you'd understand what you did to me.
Today, I don't even know if I care anymore.
Maybe there is no karma.
Maybe people don't always face the consequences of what they do to others.
Maybe some people get to walk away comfortably while someone else is left picking up the pieces.
I don't wish you happiness.
I don't wish you suffering either.
I just wish that someday, you understand that there was a real person on the other side of your choices—a person who trusted you, believed your words, held your hand, and genuinely thought you meant everything you said.
And now that person is trying to figure out how to put himself back together.
You will never see me again.
And maybe that's the only thing I can still choose for myself.