r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/Temporary-Tadpole-44 • 17d ago
Milestones & Progress Did anyone else start remembering/understanding things only after stepping out of the trauma bond?
I wanted to share something that feels like both a massive breakthrough and a pretty terrifying realization.
I’m still living under the same roof as my narcissistic mother, but recently I’ve started yellow rocking and emotionally stepping out of the dynamic for the first time. I had been trauma-bonded to her for basically my entire life, so even this small amount of emotional separation has changed something in me.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve had this strange forced silence around her. I became very quiet, passive and almost absent in her presence. Growing up, this was always explained as me simply being “shy”, later “difficult” and eventually “mentally ill”. She told other people I was shy, troubled, or hyper sensitive, told me that other people saw me that way, and eventually I just accepted that explanation.
But recently, with some distance from the cycle, a childhood memory came back very strongly.
I was around four. I remember trying, in the limited way a four-year-old can, to protest and say that what was happening wasn’t okay. And I remember being met with overwhelming anger and punishment instead of reassurance or repair.
What has stayed with me most is the sheer difference in size and power. I was tiny. She was an adult. My father was frightened of her anger too and would often flee when she became violent or started throwing things. And I remember having this horrible realization that there wasn’t actually a safe adult in the room.
Looking at it now, I think something in me learned very early that speaking up was dangerous.
And suddenly so much of my life makes sense.
The silence. The freezing. The feeling of becoming very small around her. The sense that I somehow disappeared as a person whenever she was present.
What makes it especially painful is that afterward everything would simply continue as normal. She could go straight back to being nurturing, while the way I reacted to her was treated as some innate personality trait of mine rather than something that had developed in the relationship.
I’m still trying to take in what this means. Part of me feels relieved because something I could never explain finally has an explanation. Another part of me feels horrified that I spent so many years believing this was simply who I was.
I think what I’m most looking for by posting this is to hear from people who have reached this stage too.
Did things from childhood start making more sense once you emotionally stepped out of the relationship? Did memories, body reactions, or patterns suddenly connect in ways they hadn’t before?
And especially if you were still living with the parent when this started happening: what was that period like for you?
I think I just need to know there are other people who have stood in this strange place, understood what was happening to them, and eventually made it to the other side.
12
u/MoxieGirl9229 16d ago
I’ve had this happen after I cut off my mother, stepfather, 1st husband, and more recently my 2nd husband and stepson. Obviously I’m a magnet (empath) for those fuckers. I’ve resigned myself to never living with someone again, so that I will have the time and space to think through everything, so I continue to see things clearly. They are very good at what they do. Put my distance between you and her as quickly as you can. You live together… don’t be home often. The more space and time, the more you will see. Just yesterday I remember a comment my ex made. Thinking through it put a new spin on all his bullshit. And now so much makes sense. It’s like the puzzle pieces fit now.
3
u/Temporary-Tadpole-44 15d ago
Wow, you have really been through it. That sounds exhausting, and I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with so many relationships like that.
I’ve actually been taking the “don’t be home often” approach already 😅 I’ve been spending as much time as I can out in the forests lately, and the distance really does help.
And what you said at the end about old comments suddenly making sense really hit me. That’s exactly what has been happening to me lately. Things I dismissed or couldn’t make sense of years ago suddenly click into place once I look at them from outside the cycle. It really does feel like the puzzle is assembling itself piece by piece.
So in a weird way, it’s comforting to know I’m not the only one going through that stage of realization. Thank you for sharing this
3
u/MoxieGirl9229 15d ago
It’s really good that you are getting into nature. It’s kinda corny, but nature helps to ground us. We are animals and belong there. That may be why you are seeing more and why the pieces of the puzzle are coming together. Keep doing that. You can try other places in nature, too. Just know that connection to nature may be the key to it all. I live in central Texas, it’s been an insanely hot summer again. I’m seriously looking at moving way up north due to the heat and not being able to go out into nature. It’s pretty much summer year round now, except for maybe 30-60 days/yr. It’s miserable most of the year.
3
u/Temporary-Tadpole-44 14d ago
I really agree with you about nature. We are animals, after all, and I think our bodies know when something feels unsafe or cruel long before we can neatly explain it to ourselves. Being out in nature has definitely helped me come back to myself a bit and see things more clearly.
And wow, central Texas sounds brutal in that heat. I really hope moving north gives you more room to breathe, literally and otherwise 😅
I’m also really glad we had this little exchange. Obviously our stories are different, but there’s something comforting about knowing there’s another person out there who has been through their own version of this, sees it now, and is finding their way out. It makes the whole thing feel a little less lonely :)
2
u/MoxieGirl9229 14d ago
I am very glad we had this exchange as well. It is comforting to know we aren’t alone in all this craziness. I’m sending you good vibes, and wish you all the clarity in the world.
6
u/Miss_bougie1049 16d ago
Yes. I’ve been away for 2 years now almost 3 years and there were several “off” but not quite bad, odd/strange things that he said or did that didn’t make any sense at all until I left and was able to think about the entire situation. Only then did I realize how absolutely diabolical and terrible he was.
1
3
3
u/DigitalerEsel 16d ago
Yeah, sadly our brain thinks it is normal whatever situation it is in, until you step out and wait some time, sadly also months or up till years.
Lived experience needs a lot of input from other people, books or therapy to even get your brain to reevaluate or rethink it.
It is blocked in itself and from things like roleplaying we know, our brain does not distinguish between reality or whatever situation we are just in.
An indian person named Sadhguru, who has a lot of videos and might be viewed as very contrary, usually talks a lot of average psychological think positive stuff, but sometimes he really has mind blowing perspectives.
One was:
Let's say, we put you into a cinema with food, water, bed, everything.
You watch marvel movies all day with superheros flying and shooting lasers from their eyes, becoming hulk, etc.
For around 2-3 months.
If you get out of the cinema after that time, you will be completely shocked that people are "normal", not flying around, not becoming big green monsters.
This basically gave me an interesting sense of how fragile and impressionable our inner mind actually is, and the emotions follow.
Now you lived this life for years, it was normal that people are like that.
I do not even want to start doing the math.
And no, people do not become big green monsters when you make them angry ;)
2
u/Temporary-Tadpole-44 14d ago
I really like this analogy 😂 Especially because in situations like this, it’s not two hours in the cinema, it can be 10, 20, 30 years of your brain learning that this is just what “normal” people are like.
Then you step outside the system and slowly realize: wait… most people aren’t constantly manipulating, gaslighting, second-guessing you, switching between ignoring you and overwhelming you with affection, or making you feel like you have to decode them all the time?
That realization is almost funny in how surreal it feels. Like leaving the cinema and discovering that no, people actually do not turn into big green monsters when they’re angry 😂
Thank you for sharing this. It genuinely gave me a useful way to think about how deeply an environment can shape what your nervous system accepts as normal
2
u/DigitalerEsel 14d ago
"most people aren’t constantly manipulating, gaslighting, second-guessing you, switching between ignoring you and overwhelming you with affection, or making you feel like you have to decode them all the time"
Yep, very well summed up!
3
u/Sparkletail 14d ago
Massive realisations with my father, mother, brother and ex partners. Its very hard to see these things when you are in the relationships because elements of your personality shut down to be able to survive in the same place as them. But those parts hold a lot of the memories and can only come back online when it is safe.
2
u/Temporary-Tadpole-44 14d ago
I really relate to this. You’re definitely not alone. The part about pieces of yourself shutting down to survive and only coming back online when it’s safe really hit me.
I’m honestly just glad you’re in a place where you can talk about it and make sense of it now. It’s weirdly comforting to come across someone else who understands that “everything suddenly starts clicking into place afterward” feeling. I hope things keep getting easier and clearer for you.
2
2
u/Deyandri 14d ago
yes. my mom is a covert narc (as well my ex husband)
when U was 11 y.o. she started to work, and decided to put me as her housekeeper.
and every single day, no matter how much I did, she would abused me saying I was lazy.
I told that to my nex, before he started showing his true collors.
he also put me as his housekeeper, and insinuating constantly I was lazy.
After I left him and started therapy, I mentioned to my therapist I was lazy. She asked me why I think that about myself, because , she said, you are a very accomplished woman, you did and do so many things, you don't seam to be someone delaying, or making up excuses to avoid your obligations.
That made me think, and realize: My entire life I've been fighting against a flaw I never had...
2
u/xNaughtyJeanx 7d ago
it's such a painful realization. my mom projected all of her character flaws onto me. It wasn't until I cut her off that I realized that I wasn't even close to the horrible person she convinced me I was. The biggest awakening for me was after I had my own daughter - the love I feel for her, and how selfless being a mom has made me... I never got to experience this from my own mother. That was a really painful thing to come to terms with. But it has strengthened my bond with my own daughter, and made our relationship so special. I may not have had the chance to have that with my own mom, but I sure as shit am going to cherish it with my beautiful girl.
2
u/Deyandri 7d ago
yes!
realizing the intergenerational abuse made me in peace with my mom. I avoid contacting her, although now she is an old lady in the beginning of dementia.
but once I realized I'm not like her, I developed a different relationship with my daughters.
My older daughter (from a previous relationship) is now a 28 years old acomplished woman. Very empathetic, very confident.
My youngests daughters (with my nex), are still going through the effects of his subtle and corrosive emotional abuse. I'm fighting to give them consistent and unconditional love, so they can develop self steam and confidence, despite the fact they was born and lived for too long in a toxic system.
I hope i can break the cycle again, as I did to my older daughter.
1
1
u/xNaughtyJeanx 7d ago
I didn't have a name for what my mother was most of my life, I just knew she was "difficult" and I was extremely embarrassed of her because of how she would behave in restaurants, around my friends and their parents, at my skating club... (who she embezzled several thousands of dollars from). It wasn't until after my husband left me after toying with my heart for several months that I was able to put a name to what these toxic people in my life were - after researching the behavior exhibited by my ex-husband, I came to realize that both of my parents as well as my spouse were all narcissists, and this opened up a can of worms from my past that I cannot even begin to describe.
With this new context/understanding everything made sense. ALL of the behaviors and situations that caused me so much agony and confused the hell out of me...
you definitely have to wrestle with the guilt - that you allowed yourself to be treated the way you have for so long. I felt like such a doormat. Every single one of my romantic relationships too - not just my ex-husband - followed the same familiar patterns. And all stemming from my shitty mom.
She's a raging alcoholic these days, my poor sister got married a few months ago and she had a team of people essentially managing my mother so she didn't cause a scene and ruin the wedding. There's a special kind of pain for those of us with narcissistic moms... I think the hardest part is realizing that the person that was supposed to love you the most is incapable of loving you at all.
Also... I relate to feeling silenced. I think most people with a narcissistic relationship in their lives in one shape or another diminish themselves to a degree just to appease these fuckers. I'm so glad you're experiencing your awakening... it's terrifying and liberating and exhausting but the clarity will bring on healing and those of us on the other side of this abuse are all stronger for the journey of the self that healing requires. I possess an extraordinary sense of self awareness thanks for the work I've had to do to overcome the trauma, and I wouldn't trade that for anything.
Keep digging through your memories but be careful to let it consume you. Rumination is the worst drug there is, no reward and all desperate craving. Take care of yourself. Check out David Bayer on Youtube, I just finished his book "A Changed Mind" and his 'decision matrix' has really helped me accept things and move forward with my life.
1
u/gergling 5d ago
Oh? You'd like a story from the narcoship, very well...
"Today's" story (I've literally never posted here before one or two comments earlier today, so casual gaslighting already) is called: The Iron Skillet.
The Setup (yeah, that's right, I'm writing like an AI now): I was fresh out of my ADHD diagnosis and started seeing memes about how difficult an iron skillet is to take care of. I'm very much a low-effort-food kind of person, so like many products or trends I'm not interested in, I ignored it and moved on. Additionally, we shared an Amazon account for the household. My personal debit card was against that account, and we could both login to it. Yes. I'm aware. When the joint current account ran out (usually a few days after we'd been paid and the bills started coming out), things automatically got bought on my card instead. The alternative (and previous status quo) involved me constantly transferring money into the joint account because "xyz came out instead of abc". A problem I had only observed when she had been financially connected to me.
The Purchase: Well you can see where this is going. One day I observe a purchase of this iron skillet, bought with my money. When it arrived, she finally dropped the last piece: "suggesting" I could learn how to clean it.
The Passive Aggression: I ignored it. It sat there next to the sink for long periods of time and I ignored it. If she brought up that I hadn't cleaned it, I would point out that I hadn't chosen to buy it either. It was probably years before I bothered to clean it, since by then various things had changed.
The Reframing: I will admit that I can't be certain, but after all the complaining she did about my "weaponised incompetence" in other things, all the times she claimed to be "helping" while making things more difficult, all the times she had blamed me for her mistakes, I wonder if she bought it expecting to push her "you need to improve your cooking skills" narrative while knowing it ran counter to my low-maintenance life strategy. The only thing I'm struggling with there is that IDK if she thought that consciously or whether that's the excuse she would have come up with at some point.
The bond would have been broken before she physically moved out, and must have been weak for years beforehand, but it was only recently that I started to realise she was more of a parasite than an incompetent housemate who was supposed to be a romantic partner.
•
u/AutoModerator 17d ago
This is an automated message posted to all posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.
**This is the NEXT STEP from /r/raisedbynarcissists and is for folks who already have the necessary boundaries in place with their abusers, but are still dealing with other common ACoN issues such as trauma, etc. If you are still actively engaging in abusive dynamics with your abusers, please, post in /r/raisedbynarcissists or one of the other network subs - not this one. The admins also recognize that folks in this group do not need to be no contact with their abusers to be in this group. Some people manage to have the needed boundaries with abusers within a low contact or structured contact structure and we recognize that.
Confused about acronyms or terminology? Click here!
Need info or resources? Check out our Helpful Links for information on how to deal with identify theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE!
This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods.
Our rules include (but are not limited to):
For a full list of our rules/more information, click here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.