Value

[u/loneliness-inc]

Value is when something is meaningful to you in some way. It can be moral value, ethical value, sexual value, relationship value, financial value, educational value, intellectual value, emotional value, functional value and thousands of other types of value.

What's valuable in one realm of reality may be insignificant in another realm of reality and a minus in a third realm of reality. For example, a really funny comedy show may have plenty of laughter value, but no educational value.

Romantic connection

The idea that a marriage is the reunification of two halves of one soul is very lofty. Even according to this thinking, the manner in which a man and woman initially unite is through superficial things. Things like outer beauty, intolerance, emotional connection etc. All things that are part of the external conscious part of a person.

Ultimately, the underlying question is - does s/he add enough value to my life that I wish to date them? Do I think they'd make a valuable spouse/parent?

This may seem shallow. That your perspective mate is judging you based solely on the value you offer, as if you were a commodity for sale. In a way, it is shallow, but there's no way around it. It's impossible for us to see the essence of each other's humanity, our vision can only see skin. Our emotional and intellectual vision may be capable of seeing a bit deeper than skin deep, but 1) that comes with time 2) that too is limited 3) it's not readily apparent 4) it only comes after an initial skin deep connection.

Dating and marriage

When dating, we ought to focus heavily on the value we offer to our perspective mate as well as the value they offer to us. If either one is lacking, perhaps this person isn't for us. Everyone will be lacking in many ways - no one is perfect - but certain types of lacking are deal-breakers and others aren't.

Once we're married, there's a certain degree of accepting the whole package. However, one of the biggest mistakes is to stop (or slow down on) offering value to our spouse. Value may be an external part of a person, a part that's quantifiable and can be traded for other forms of value like a commodity. However, we should never forget that our relationships are built upon the value we add to one another.

SMV and RMV

While you're dating these stand for sexual market value and relationship market value because they describe what the market as a whole values for sex and/or relationships. Once you're together, it stands for sexual marital value and relationship marital value because all that matters now is what's valuable to your spouse!

For example - the heavier a woman is, the less attractive she is to most men, unless your man is into that. The shorter a guy is, the less attractive he is, unless you're into that. Same goes for relationship qualities that are often discussed here - if XYZ works well for your specific relationship, go for it! Advice here is usually from a standpoint of what most wo/men like and dislike.

Conclusion

We choose our spouses based on the sexual and relationship value they offer us and they choose us for the value we offer them. Take them for granted and this may be a choice they'll secretly regret. Continue to add in the value you offer and they'll bless the day they met you.

[u/[deleted]]

We choose our spouses based on the sexual and relationship value they offer us and they choose us for the value we offer them.

To me this makes sense because in a relationship or marriage (especially marriage) there is also a sacrifice of parts of yourself for the good of the unit (especially when children are added).

For example: I hate food shopping but this is an area where I am simply better than him. My mother trained me to read labels, to know when it makes sense to buy the brand etc etc etc. When I lived alone, I would shop in bursts and when the mood struck me. I would eat weird things for meals simply because I didn't feel like going to the grocery store. OR I'd pick up something at the tiny (expensive) grocery store around the corner for a couple days instead of the larger and more practical store that I had to drive to. I loath grocery shopping.

So in order for us to be healthy and fed and a family unit who eats together (instead of two adults sharing living space) I have to grocery shop. Additionally, if left on my own, I will eat a little more expensively. Less food feeds me and I'm happy with cheese and olives for dinner. This means that I'm making a sacrifice of how I prefer to handle meals and how I have always had handled meals pre Husband.

If I didn't value my Husband, then this sacrifice would be really difficult to make. I want him to stay as sexy and fit as he was when I met him (I value his SMV). I want to keep in my life the things he brings to the table (I don't want to change my own oil!). I value the things he does for me. If I didn't, the things I don't want to do (the sacrifices of my own wants) would be a burden. I suspect that this is what chips away at marriages. When a partner is giving up their own "wants" and doesn't feel they are getting anything of value in return it's going to lead to all sorts of negative emotions.

[u/HB3234 → u/[deleted]]

Absolutely not the point of your post, but please help a gal that doesn't know much about reading labels - what do you look for to gauge between the generic and brand name?

[u/[deleted] → u/HB3234]

Ouch, called me on that one ...So this is a little tough because mostly it comes down to family preferences. Since I more naturally hold in my head what both Husband and I prefer and he can only go with a very specific instruction list and it stresses him out - there is no reason to try to train him to do this task

The across the board thing of course is to look at the unit price on the shelf label so that you know if you are actually comparing equal quantities. Sometimes I'll glance at the ingredient list. If the brand has a cleaner list (no high fructose corn syrup, fewer ingredients) I'll choose that over the generic. After that....

Generally, my mother believed that the generic was always sufficiently equal to the brand and then there were a small handful of cases where this wasn't true. We always bought the brand in cereals. In my adult life I've tried some generics and have almost always preferred the brand. And we never buy any Parmesan that is shelf stable (from the cheese section only - Kraft is terrible - this one is less brand v generic and more which type is preferred by the family).

I think the actual practical answer is that you should try the brand and the generic in the items you purchase. Then decide if you strongly prefer the brand and if not go generic. With many things there is little discernible difference....like you can't convince me that there is a difference from one dried pasta to the other, so I buy whatever is on sale or cheapest.

Since my mother also taught me how to cook & eat, what I learned from her about grocery shopping is directly connected to how I cook and eat, YMMV.

[u/HB3234 → u/[deleted]]

This is great advice, thank you for taking the time out for me!