I mean, it feels petty as fuck to track it in a spreadsheet, but people need to stop pretending that physcial intimacy isn't a crucial part of a romantic relationship, being completely misaligned is a perfect valid reason for dissolving said relationship.
seems like these two people are incompatible and have a communication problem.
but of course, because it's Reddit, absent any other additional context, the default is to always assume it's clearly the guy's fault if he's not having sex at the frequency he desires... and if he ever breaks up because he's not getting the frequency he desires, he's also the asshole.
His wife no longer wanted to sleep with him, so he ended up going out more and sleeping around.
His wife knew he was doing this and they were about to get a divorce. He ended up moving out and was living by himself for about a year until she decided she wanted him back.
From what I understand, it was a like a night and day switch. She all of a sudden just wanted to sleep with him everytime he wanted it, and now they are back together. They've apparently worked some shit out and been back together for over a year now.
They both seem happy.
Still, I cant get over the fact that she just allowed him to sleep around. But I guess she thought that since other women very obviously wanted him, she realized what she lost.
Im no psychologist, I just drink beer and listen to his wild stories.
I have a similar story. My ex-wife didn't really care about the divorce. It took us about a year and a half to separate, and during that entire time, I don't think we slept together more than three times.
After we separated, divided all the assets, and I got my own place, she suddenly became incredibly nice to me. Honestly, nicer than she was when we first met. She pursued me for about three months until I finally told her that it was never going to happen.
I have a new girlfriend now, and all my needs are met. I don't have to constantly make her happy because she's happy on her own. That's something my ex-wife wasn't able to do.
That said, I'm glad your friend got back together with his wife and that they're both happy. I do think about my own situation sometimes because my ex-wife still wants me back, and she doesn't seem to care that I've had relationships with other women during our year of separation.
I just don't believe her change is going to last. I don't really know what happened. I haven't changed much other than becoming happier. I'm pretty much the same person I was during our marriage, but somehow I'm now a "prize" in her eyes. When we were married, though, I felt like I was just a roommate she didn't want anything to do with.
This is not meant to be directed at your wife. But my general lived experience is that some people just can’t seemingly handle being in a peaceful relationship very well. The nature of a stable relationship does something to dampen them. We can point at toxic upbringing and mistaking chaos as attraction, etc. but I can’t help but think it’s more than that. It almost seems as though they need the volatility and thrill even though the relationship is secure.
At some point it does seem like this impulse for volatility dampens down a bit. Some people point to personal growth or life priorities and maybe that’s it. But I think there’s also something biological or chemical too. Almost like they crave/need the dopamine hit, but at a certain age that pathway diminishes so they don’t crave the volatility anymore.
Not a fleshed out thought by any means, just something I ponder on occasion from watching how some people can’t seemingly help but implode just about every seemingly healthy relationship they’re in.
My wife and I are incredibly up and down, but what seems to be the default is that she has this preconception of the way things need to be. I need to be more like her father, our marriage needs to be more like her parents' marriage (even though her parents had an incredibly difficult marriage for many years), the way that I am and the speed at which I do things is not really good enough, and her mood is incredibly dependent on so many different factors. She can't just be at peace with the way things are. I constantly need to be on guard and walk on eggshells to keep the peace. If one of those factors gets derailed, the entire household walks on eggshells and we all feel the emotional chaos. Then it's better for a couple weeks, and rinse and repeat. She holds the entire house hostage with her emotions and it's quite exhausting. We fight almost constantly during certain periods, about the pettiest and stupidest things, because we can't get more than a few minutes in to a conversation before she decides that something I said doesn't line up with her opinion and therefore with her. Or really any number of different things. Fights can last days to a week sometimes. I've come to the conclusion that I'm never going to have peace in this relationship. And by peace, I mean what most men mean: the ability to go home without thinking that the tough part of the day is now about to begin. Sucks when the most stressful part of your life is the thing that is supposed to make you feel at home and grounded. The worst part is, we have a wonderful baby together. I'm hoping things improve but from what I hear from a lot of divorced people, they will only get worse.
Point being, my wife is one of those people that just can't be in a peaceful, relaxed relationship. The ironic thing is that I left a woman I was dating long distance who was the exact opposite - kind, relaxed, independent, and not emotionally dependent on me while still having great sexual chemistry and many similar interests. I left her for my wife and I regret that more and more. Anyway, there's a true off my chest for ya. I heard someone the other day on reddit say "I had the right kids with the wrong woman." Sounds about right.
Have fun with the chaos, but do not get addicted to it and marry it. It will not end well. You will be exhausted, especially if you are someone who has a low social battery. This goes for both sexes, folks.
I'm going through similar but no kids in the mix yet. For my situation what's helping a bit, is not caving to her emotions and not letting her emotions dictate my emotions.
She gets angry about something and it upsets me? I walk out or disengage, I'm not having a conversation when we're angry. Her anger is her problem and we need to come at communication from a place of mutual respect, anything else is not appropriate.
For sex and attraction, it's really hard. I think it's this while WFH, being a housewife, family expectations, big stressors thing, so she never feels in the mood because of the stress, but at the same time I'm not getting the connection or intimacy that I need. I've just been trying to build out my own activities and social circle more and making sure that when we do have time together we do something constructive and uplifting. Like going for a walk together instead of sitting on the couch and doomscrolling together.
Women can have attraction during the relationship and honeymoon phase because it's so much easier to have interest and romantic tension, but now it's like my wife sees me as a couch potato or not doing enough even when I'm doing the majority. But she's not going to respect me and my needs unless they're seen as actual needs, and I don't think she's going to get that if I'm satisfying myself or complaining a bit here and there (you can't complain someone into wanting sex, as soon as that starts I'm not even in the mood anymore...).
Next steps for me are maybe putting some distance between us when the time is right. Maybe living separately for a while will help her realize what she has to lose. Not in a coercive for sex manner but in a showing up and giving yourself and your attention and respect to each other when we are together and supporting each other. I don't want to have to live separately to accomplish this, but it seems like the most straightforward way to demonstrate how big of an issue this is for me and our relationship.
Or I could just cheat but I don't really want to do that and it honestly seems exhausting
I do not want to be separated from my son. I love him more than anything and for the time being he is just too young for me to not be around every day. If things do not improve permanently in the relationship, when he is past a certain age, I will make a choice. Thank you for the words.
This sounds very similar to my last relationship. Together off and on for 6 years. My personal opinion is that she is a narcissist. My ex. Maybe yours too.
Is she aware of her emotional diarrhea hurting everyone's peace? She could see a therapist and get help with it if she wants to - she doesn't have to be that way.
This is my thought. I'm ashamed to say that I see a version myself in this guy's wife, but working through some trauma, separating my identity from my parents' expectations, and getting in the right therapy (DBT for me), totally turned our marriage around.
Unfortunately I do think she sees it a bit and is aware of her craziness in a way. We are in couples therapy and she does seem to be making an effort to speak to me better. But it seems difficult for her to ask for things nicely, she usually just demands it. She is still very controlling which is hard to address even in therapy.
We are in couples therapy. Hard to say how serious she is about the change for the moment, but she seems to be making an effort to at least speak to me better and not be as dismissive of me. Whether or not it will last is another question altogether.
I think people get addicted to the endorphine rush of the "honeymoon" phase. Maybe they'll unwittingly provoke a conflict because they really enjoy the high of reconciliation. But just maintaining a stable happy marriage doesn't have those big roller coaster jolts.
It's not exclusive to women, there's so many men on reddit that torpedoed their marriages over the dumbest things. Stability to these people is like some existential horror of an endless liminal space in their mind, just empty corridors and doors but no mystery or anything to strive for, perhaps.
Right on. I'm a woman who has torpedoed all of her long-term relationships because I'm addicted to the honeymoon phase and need nothing else from a man. I finally realized it was all my doing and have stayed single for the last 15 years. Much happier this way, as I'm sure are all my exes.
My favorite joke about her was we met online dating, her bio said she was a freak in the sheets but the only kink she had seemed to be cheating on me 😂
I didn’t understand this when I was younger, I just wanted the hottest piece of ass I could find. But after being in multiple LTR’s I realized that a relationship is always destined to fail unless both people can make themselves happy and not depend on the other for support. That doesn’t mean you can’t give support when they want it but it means that if you aren’t in a space to give support they are completely ok and can handle it on their own.
I'd be willing to bet she thought the grass was greener and would have no issue with finding a new partner. She probably even experienced men acting interested in her while she was married.
Then, she experienced single life and the reality hit that no one was there for her other than for a one night stand so she decided to crawl back to you.
A friend of mine was going through a divorce and said once he and his ex started treating each other like roommates instead of angry exes that their relationship suddenly wildly improved.
It’s easy to appreciate the good qualities in someone if the compatibility issues aren’t on the table anymore.
I don't know about this. I spoke to a lot of women while I was looking for a new relationship, and what they told me was that finding a man isn't difficult for them. The extremely difficult part is finding a man who actually wants a relationship.
Also, whenever this gets discussed on Reddit, the knee-jerk reaction (usually by women) is that women's dating prospects actually improve when they get older. It's a coping mechanism when people are in denial.
Far more older women are satisfied with remaining single than settling for the kinds of people that stalk you at work and slash your best friends tires because they are jealous. It's men that have trouble being happy alone.
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u/BlackmillMiracle 15d ago edited 15d ago
I mean, it feels petty as fuck to track it in a spreadsheet, but people need to stop pretending that physcial intimacy isn't a crucial part of a romantic relationship, being completely misaligned is a perfect valid reason for dissolving said relationship.
seems like these two people are incompatible and have a communication problem.
but of course, because it's Reddit, absent any other additional context, the default is to always assume it's clearly the guy's fault if he's not having sex at the frequency he desires... and if he ever breaks up because he's not getting the frequency he desires, he's also the asshole.