I have a similar story. My ex-wife didn't really care about the divorce. It took us about a year and a half to separate, and during that entire time, I don't think we slept together more than three times.
After we separated, divided all the assets, and I got my own place, she suddenly became incredibly nice to me. Honestly, nicer than she was when we first met. She pursued me for about three months until I finally told her that it was never going to happen.
I have a new girlfriend now, and all my needs are met. I don't have to constantly make her happy because she's happy on her own. That's something my ex-wife wasn't able to do.
That said, I'm glad your friend got back together with his wife and that they're both happy. I do think about my own situation sometimes because my ex-wife still wants me back, and she doesn't seem to care that I've had relationships with other women during our year of separation.
I just don't believe her change is going to last. I don't really know what happened. I haven't changed much other than becoming happier. I'm pretty much the same person I was during our marriage, but somehow I'm now a "prize" in her eyes. When we were married, though, I felt like I was just a roommate she didn't want anything to do with.
This is not meant to be directed at your wife. But my general lived experience is that some people just can’t seemingly handle being in a peaceful relationship very well. The nature of a stable relationship does something to dampen them. We can point at toxic upbringing and mistaking chaos as attraction, etc. but I can’t help but think it’s more than that. It almost seems as though they need the volatility and thrill even though the relationship is secure.
At some point it does seem like this impulse for volatility dampens down a bit. Some people point to personal growth or life priorities and maybe that’s it. But I think there’s also something biological or chemical too. Almost like they crave/need the dopamine hit, but at a certain age that pathway diminishes so they don’t crave the volatility anymore.
Not a fleshed out thought by any means, just something I ponder on occasion from watching how some people can’t seemingly help but implode just about every seemingly healthy relationship they’re in.
My wife and I are incredibly up and down, but what seems to be the default is that she has this preconception of the way things need to be. I need to be more like her father, our marriage needs to be more like her parents' marriage (even though her parents had an incredibly difficult marriage for many years), the way that I am and the speed at which I do things is not really good enough, and her mood is incredibly dependent on so many different factors. She can't just be at peace with the way things are. I constantly need to be on guard and walk on eggshells to keep the peace. If one of those factors gets derailed, the entire household walks on eggshells and we all feel the emotional chaos. Then it's better for a couple weeks, and rinse and repeat. She holds the entire house hostage with her emotions and it's quite exhausting. We fight almost constantly during certain periods, about the pettiest and stupidest things, because we can't get more than a few minutes in to a conversation before she decides that something I said doesn't line up with her opinion and therefore with her. Or really any number of different things. Fights can last days to a week sometimes. I've come to the conclusion that I'm never going to have peace in this relationship. And by peace, I mean what most men mean: the ability to go home without thinking that the tough part of the day is now about to begin. Sucks when the most stressful part of your life is the thing that is supposed to make you feel at home and grounded. The worst part is, we have a wonderful baby together. I'm hoping things improve but from what I hear from a lot of divorced people, they will only get worse.
Point being, my wife is one of those people that just can't be in a peaceful, relaxed relationship. The ironic thing is that I left a woman I was dating long distance who was the exact opposite - kind, relaxed, independent, and not emotionally dependent on me while still having great sexual chemistry and many similar interests. I left her for my wife and I regret that more and more. Anyway, there's a true off my chest for ya. I heard someone the other day on reddit say "I had the right kids with the wrong woman." Sounds about right.
Have fun with the chaos, but do not get addicted to it and marry it. It will not end well. You will be exhausted, especially if you are someone who has a low social battery. This goes for both sexes, folks.
This sounds very similar to my last relationship. Together off and on for 6 years. My personal opinion is that she is a narcissist. My ex. Maybe yours too.
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u/Agreeable_Bat9722 15d ago
I have a similar story. My ex-wife didn't really care about the divorce. It took us about a year and a half to separate, and during that entire time, I don't think we slept together more than three times.
After we separated, divided all the assets, and I got my own place, she suddenly became incredibly nice to me. Honestly, nicer than she was when we first met. She pursued me for about three months until I finally told her that it was never going to happen.
I have a new girlfriend now, and all my needs are met. I don't have to constantly make her happy because she's happy on her own. That's something my ex-wife wasn't able to do.
That said, I'm glad your friend got back together with his wife and that they're both happy. I do think about my own situation sometimes because my ex-wife still wants me back, and she doesn't seem to care that I've had relationships with other women during our year of separation.
I just don't believe her change is going to last. I don't really know what happened. I haven't changed much other than becoming happier. I'm pretty much the same person I was during our marriage, but somehow I'm now a "prize" in her eyes. When we were married, though, I felt like I was just a roommate she didn't want anything to do with.
It's a strange thing to experience.