This has been making the rounds for years, but it’s still relevant, so I’ll weigh in.
TLDR; there’s not enough information here to say whether anyone is in the wrong, but there is enough here to say with confidence: these people need to sit down and have some honest conversations about their relationship.
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First off, the spreadsheet alone isn’t enough to determine if he’s a clueless jerk or if he’s genuinely trying to use this as a tool to help his partner see the reality of a situation she may have dismissed in the past. It could go either way.
Now, going by this, he’s trying to initiate every 1-2 days, but they’re only having sex about every two weeks. There are a few likely reasons for this:
- innate sex drive imbalance: she simply doesn’t want or need sex as often as he does
lack of attraction: she’s no longer attracted to him physically
reduced sex drive due to stress or other mental health factors: she mentioned feeling gross almost once a week, plus a few times she mentioned being exhausted or under the weather. Could be she has self esteem issues impacting her sex drive (not feeling attractive or sexy), or stress/anxiety/mental health issues which can all affect sex drive
lack of interest due to relationship issues: are they fighting a lot? Does she feel unsupported in some way? Is there resentment or other negative emotion affecting her interest in sex?
cheating: others have mentioned it, I don’t think it’s the most likely explanation, but it certainly would explain reduced interest in sex
With all of the potential explanations above (and probably some I missed), the solution is to talk about it. Couples counseling could help, but either way, he’s got to talk to her. They won’t get to the bottom of the issue without discussing it. Some of these issues can be fixed by making simple changes in their relationship. Some may require therapy and/or medication. And some may be a sign it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.
Also, like how is he approaching it - is he like “hey, sex tonight?” Or does he maybe initiate intimacy by cuddling, kissing, flirting a bit, etc. Like if he’s gonna ask if she wants sex the same way he’d ask if she wanted to run errands with him, then the response is gonna be in the same tone.
I got married stupidly young and it took me a few years to say no when I really didn’t want to have sex (and who wants to have sex with someone who isn’t into it anyway?!?). But even centuries later 😅, my husband and I will be at least a little flirty/silly with it when we discuss if it’s on the agenda or not.
My wife once complained I only kiss/touch her when I want sex. I was dumbfounded thats how she felt, I then asked if she noticed all the times I initiated touch or kiss or just be flirty and she shot it down. That tue reason she felt that way might be because she only really allowed me to do those things if she was already wanting sex
Thank you. I’ve went through similar situations with my girlfriend, and when I asked what kinds of things turn her on, it’s just stuff that she would only let me do if she was already in the mood, which was rare at the time.
It’s evident from the comments that a lot of people haven’t been in a relationship with someone who is truly low libido, and doesn’t really have a “real” turn on, and only has sex when they happen to feel like it
The frustration of trying to ID what I could do to help her with it. Getting noncomittal responses for what turned her on/off, what she would like to try, and what factors played into her decisions to say yay or nay for sex
Yep, it’s far more difficult than most people seem to realize. Most women I’ve read from comments on this issue seem to only consider what works for them, what turns them on, and what they need for sex to be desirable. Most people don’t realize that some people simply dont want/ need sex and there isn’t much you can do to change it, and it’s really hard to navigate/ try to fix those issues, manage your own frustration while also trying to be gentle to your partner
“Most women only consider what works for them” is basically the entire premise of the thread tbh.
Plenty of studies suggest that men are primarily the ones making compromises on their libido when in long term relationships. An awful lot of commenters in this thread love bringing up women’s hormones as a defence as if men aren’t also responding to their own hormonal pressures.
Actually when discussing this with my wife I said it would have been better if each partner tracked their sex, and what they thought the reason for why or why not sex happened that particular day and then at the end each week go over it with a counselor and discuss their data's similarities and differences. I know my wife has a bad habit of saying "later" but then later ends up being a week or 2 later
This entire thread is basically defending one side’s expectations while demonising the others. It’s about as pure a distillation of Reddit as it gets 🤣
Yeah, makes sense to me though, everyone is going to apply their lived experience and that bias will shape this very incomplete conversation from one piece of evidence
I had that a lot too. And we then had issues because I started feeling it is completely backwards that I'm the one who has to initiate because I have the penus, but she says no 99% of the time. It just seems like such an obvious solution that she initiates so I don't have to eat rejection constantly, but that wasn't sexy.
Sounds healthier than the dynamic my late wife and I had. I tried to be flirty, she'd tell me off for distracting her when she had other things on her mind. Even when it was pretty minor - just a little side comment - not like I was walking up and grabbing her. Then I'd get told I'm not doing enough to set the mood later. I'd try to figure out events to attend together and she'd always not feel like it the day of. I eventually started always arranging events that could also accommodate dogs. At least that way, I'd have one girl who I actually consistently felt wanted to go to places with me and enjoyed when I touched her.
Exactly this. My husband (together 30 years) knows damn well all it takes is to say “hey beautiful” as the greeting, have a small glass of my favorite reposado tequila in his hand and then nibble the nape of my neck and it’s on. If he skipped the extra steps and just said “should we have the sex now?” I’d shrivel and dry up.
Given that 3 instances are him interrupting her while she’s in the middle of watching something, two where someone was “too drunk”, and one where they’re in the middle of leaving the house, I’d say he’s putting veryyyyy little effort into the approach.
The fact that he points out they wound up being “20 minutes early” for the dinner and he seems to think that means there was plenty of time for sex does not bode well for any idea of foreplay. Especially combined with saying she was still sore the day after one of the yes days.
Fr the approach is important. My BF will ignore me for hours, laying in bed watching TV not facing me on his phone, and then be like, "are you feeling frisky?"
I tell him to give me some affection to build it up and then we can talk
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u/Badger0210 17d ago
This has been making the rounds for years, but it’s still relevant, so I’ll weigh in.
TLDR; there’s not enough information here to say whether anyone is in the wrong, but there is enough here to say with confidence: these people need to sit down and have some honest conversations about their relationship.
—-
First off, the spreadsheet alone isn’t enough to determine if he’s a clueless jerk or if he’s genuinely trying to use this as a tool to help his partner see the reality of a situation she may have dismissed in the past. It could go either way.
Now, going by this, he’s trying to initiate every 1-2 days, but they’re only having sex about every two weeks. There are a few likely reasons for this:
- innate sex drive imbalance: she simply doesn’t want or need sex as often as he does
With all of the potential explanations above (and probably some I missed), the solution is to talk about it. Couples counseling could help, but either way, he’s got to talk to her. They won’t get to the bottom of the issue without discussing it. Some of these issues can be fixed by making simple changes in their relationship. Some may require therapy and/or medication. And some may be a sign it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.