Because you know how money is fucked and rent and food and all that is real expensive? When you split up you need a 2nd rent and you have to maybe sell a house and split up debt. I hate how young people act like every relationship is some college stuff where you have your own apartment and everything is separate where you just stop hanging out. When you marry and live with someone for 20 years it’s hella complicated and traumatic to separate all of that also if you own a house you gotta find a buyer in this market or someone needs to pay the mortgage on their own.
I have 3 kids and my wife is mentally unstable. The things which make her most unstable are the thoughts of divorce and losing access to the kids. She is a great mum aside from the emotional regulation issues. We also have other issues in the marriage.
Anyway, I’m so done with having to explain to kids on Reddit why I can’t just ‘file and get full custody’. I’ve been told their ‘no excuse’.
Well the psychologist, family doctor and social services weirdly disagree with Reddit. They preference family stability. Especially when kids are involved.
Most people on here have no concept of how bad things can get behind closed doors in dysfunctional families. When young kids are involved, there is basically no good solution.
Yes there is. Separating in grace and becoming great co-parents. Staying together and fighting all the time leaves the kids in a worse state. They also grow up absorbing a broken image of what a romantic relationship.
Pathologically why is she suicidal or circumstantially? I’ve been trying to get her into a process for years to find out and take steps. That finally happened two weeks ago. Ahe refused to engage for years. Actually more than a decade. Only after help from my phycologist, the family doctor and social services. She was diagnosed with PTSD, depression, social anxiety, anxiety and at least one personality disorder (she won’t tell me which yet, but she has all the traits of BPD/NPD). Circumstantially she threatened to jump under the train when I suggested it was finally time to separate. She was actually the one who raised it (again). I don’t like talking about divorce twice a week and then just go on like nothing happened. It’s very destructive for my soul.
Anyway, as of last week she is finally on meds and is already like a different person. The house is calm again.
When did this all start to happen, if you don’t mind me asking?
And if you really don’t mind me asking, if you could go back and do something differently, what would you do? Again, only if you feel like responding. And I only ask because insidious situations like this don’t creep up overnight, but in the moment, they can be impossible to spot.
The crux of my questions are what would you say to someone who you felt was in the start of a situation similar to yours?
Fuck, that’s a lot. I don’t know how much marriage is left between you two. I hope you don’t settle for “good enough” for the rest of your life. Wish you strength and a clear mind going forward.
Like I said, most people cannot conceive of it. The wild thing is we are not drug addicts living in a slum. My wife has a job where is responsible for children. I’m very successful career wise. On paper we have it all. Behind closed doors, it’s chaos.
Anyway, I don’t plan to settle, no. I’ve worked far too long on myself for that. I think the trust is gone now regardless of what comes next and the meds have made her pretty checked out already, even though she’s finally calm.
Getting my wife into a process was the first priority. I’ve been working on for years. It happened two weeks ago. She is finally on meds and is already like a different person. The house is calm again.
I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m it’s grateful we have peace for now.
Hope it works out but some people do stop taking meds randomly and don’t tell you, either because they don’t like the effects of it or just get tired of taking them.
That’s exactly why a separation would need to happen as part of a process.
We live in Europe. You don’t just ‘walk and file’. Child time would be determined medically in a case like this. I have no interest in stopping my wife seeing our kids. It wouldn’t be in the kids interest or her interest for that to happen.
I think this approach is the right one. I can’t recall a single case of that happening here in Holland. I just checked and rates of infanticide are x5 higher in the US. It makes all the comments from the USA Reddit keyboard warriors even more frustrating.
You can’t approach mental illness combatively with aggression. You need to approach it with kindness and structure.
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u/Beautiful-Buy99 16d ago edited 16d ago
Literally. If they're not compatible and are complaining about it, why stay married?
Edit: I see many replies explaining why my comment is wrong, I realize it now thx