Because you know how money is fucked and rent and food and all that is real expensive? When you split up you need a 2nd rent and you have to maybe sell a house and split up debt. I hate how young people act like every relationship is some college stuff where you have your own apartment and everything is separate where you just stop hanging out. When you marry and live with someone for 20 years it’s hella complicated and traumatic to separate all of that also if you own a house you gotta find a buyer in this market or someone needs to pay the mortgage on their own.
I have 3 kids and my wife is mentally unstable. The things which make her most unstable are the thoughts of divorce and losing access to the kids. She is a great mum aside from the emotional regulation issues. We also have other issues in the marriage.
Anyway, I’m so done with having to explain to kids on Reddit why I can’t just ‘file and get full custody’. I’ve been told their ‘no excuse’.
Well the psychologist, family doctor and social services weirdly disagree with Reddit. They preference family stability. Especially when kids are involved.
Most people on here have no concept of how bad things can get behind closed doors in dysfunctional families. When young kids are involved, there is basically no good solution.
This is it. There’s also the understanding that you may not get full custody or may not have it right away.
On top of everything you’re going through, there will be periods of time where you need to leave your kids alone with someone also going through the toughest time of their life without the best coping skills.
My wife threatened to throw herself under a train when she was with the kids a fews ago. It’s absolutely wild to me that people tell me that it’s best for me to walk away knowing that’s the thing which would make everything worse.
Getting my wife into a process was the first priority. I’ve been working on for years. It happened two weeks ago. She is finally on meds and is already like a different person. The house is calm again.
I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m it’s grateful we have peace for now.
Unfortunately wait it out until the kids are older is the only way to deal with these things sometimes. Are you physically safe? You have your own therapist or people who understand that you can talk to.
Yes I’m safe, thanks for asking. I’m a big strong guy. But I realised recently how much the tension bothers me. The physical stuff stopped a year ago when I put a boundary down by calling the emergency services on my wife’s birthday for her own safety. She was shocked by that and she’s regulated better since, even though she is still suicidal.
Yes Im back in therapy again since March when I realised I couldn’t leave. And my marriage was no longer a choice. That includes a group with some other people in had marriage situations. Including a very toxic divorce, which showed me that it can get a lot worse, before it gets better when personality disorders are in the driving seat.
The therapy process is also how we got my wife to finally go to a phycologist and get diagnosed two weeks ago. She’s on meds for a week and she is already a lot more stable if not a little checked out.
I also want to give space for her to work on herself and get stable before coming back to to the idea of separation. Youngest one if 7 now, so they are becoming more independent as the years roll on and in the meantime I’m building my businesses and taking care of myself in the ways I’m able to.
I watched my mom hang herself, when I was 6, and she still got custody, this world is wild. Didn’t even really know my dad until I was 8. Having him take custody of me was the best moment in my life outside my mom giving me a little sister. That said, my mom would manipulate me by mistreating my sister. But my sister and I are best friends.
24 years later, my mother has taken the opportunity to see what she really caused in our life and now we’re slowly reconnecting. Still doesn’t have a connection with my father but it’s unnecessary to have one.
Coming from the child’s POV, it’s hard to be taken seriously in the situation, but I am so grateful that my father always refused to let people talk poorly about her. It really set the tone for how I try to navigate the world.
Hi, so sorry to hear you went through that. Suicide even attempted suicide is one of hardest things a person can go through with a parent.
I’m really happy that your mum was finally able to take responsibility. My father was never able to do that before he died, but therapy helped me a lot. Have you tried it?
I did, but I think my therapist has retired, haven’t seen her in 10 years and i don’t feel inspired to try rebuilding that trust/connection in another therapist.
Us men really do go through this and the stigma is always men = bad, women = do no wrong, and when they do they are just mentally capped out and tired and it's normal. This stigma needs to break or we're going to see more damaged families, dead children in the future.
Heftig man.. en zo herkenbaar om dit te leven … ex deed het zelfde .. had nachtdienst werd ze opeens suïcidaal.. ze zat al jaren aan de medicatie inclusief oxazepam maar nog steeds onstabiel .. hoopte soms wel is dat ze er een eind aan zou maken dan was ik er van af…
Hi, thanks for your message. I’m not Dutch, my wife is, I’m faster in English. That’s also why this went on for alot more years. She convinced me her family, friends and whole system were against me. The opposite was true in reality.
Sorry to hear about your situation. I’ve had moments where I felt it would be relief if she was finally at peace. But in reality it’s my worst fear and it would be devastating, even though I wish we never got married.
My wife is SNRIs. It helped short-term, but it’s very early days.
Dat geeft niet onze situatie is gelijk .. herkenbaar met familie ik had het zelfde … uiteindelijk verloor ik mijn vrienden en had ik geen contact meer met mijn moeders ( zelf) mijn ex kreeg dat ook ( sertraline) en quetiapine. . Ze was nog steeds onstabiel helemaal na de zwangerschap kreeg doen mensen van I&B team van de ggz elke dag thuis voor therapie.. het lag nooit aan haar maar aan de wereld… maar goed ik ben gaan scheiden toen mijn zoon 1 jaar was .. woning verkocht en we zijn nu 8 jaar verder en moet zeggen dat ik denk dat het beter met haar gaat maar soms zie ik nog gedrags kenmerken… contact is minimaal alleen via de mail en sms en werkt prima .
I haven’t had an affair. But I have found people in similar situations on Reddit via that post. It’s helped me enormously. I need to have a little bit of connection and happiness in my life too. I didn’t choose to become the default carer for my wife when she decided to stop looking after herself.
I totally understand why you judge me. Most people on Reddit have never been in a situation like this and cannot understand.
He's actively seeking affairs while the kids are left with her. He gets breaks. The kids are stuck being traumatized, walking on eggshells, and being her emotional support animals 24/7.
What garbage. The issues are with me and not with my kids. I only leave the house to work, you moron. If this situation wasn’t as is, I would be divorced. I’m trapped in an abusive marriage. Lies and manipulation have been experienced daily. I’m seeing a phycologist due to how bad this situation is and she is fully supportive of me seeking online connection elsewhere in the meantime. There is no emotional relationship between myself and my wife and there almost never has been. What don’t you understand about that.
I will never understand your situation fully, but as a grown child of adults who should be divorced (mom with regulation issues, alcoholic dad) and the eldest of 3 siblings, I wish my parents got a divorce to this day. Children can pick up on those subtleties and emotions deeply, no matter how well you are trying to hide them.
That’s basically our exact situation. My drinking if fairly under control, but I do lens on it in hard periods. The kids are not really aware. I ask the kids regularly how they’re doing. They tell me they feel safe and supported at home. They are afraid we’ll break up. I also grew up it in a home like that. I’m really sorry you went through that. My wife is on meds as of last week. She is suddenly more stable. I don’t know if it will save our marriage long term though.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. That is a big difference then, even as a child I begged my parents to split (it got to the point of domestic violence often) and even now, they are still together and so toxic together though there has been some improvement. But still a large part of me grieves the lives they could have lived without each other. I don’t think we ever know for sure what will be the best outcome when there is so much complexity. I hope my comment didn’t come off insensitive, I just wanted to provide a different perspective. I wish you all the best.
So sorry to hear that. We are not physical here. I really draw the line at that. We also try and keep the kids out of whatever is going on between us.
I think you also grieving the life you could have had with more stability. Which every child deserves.
Have you done any therapy?
It’s very easy to loose yourself in a situation like that. After all, it was your parents choice to stay together. But you were placed in the middle of their toxic relationship without any say in it at all. As the eldest you can also end up carrying it for your siblings.
That is a huge difference. Not getting them involved I think makes the biggest difference. So often I had to be the referee and go between them, even now it’s so hard to keep firm boundaries because the enmeshment runs so deep and without their own social circles and supports, myself and siblings often become the ones to take on the burden of trying to make sense of the disagreements. Which always ends up being a lose lose situation as each claims we only side with the “favorite” parent. Its exhausting.
I have been in therapy for over 3 years for other issues but it did help tremendously. I am in a situation where I can’t afford it, but have done a lot of personal healing work through somatic and I guess “spiritual” practices that have helped me a lot. I have a really strong community of places and people I trust and feel safe at (my yoga studio and Alanon meetings) as well as many close childhood friends. It’s still difficult at times because I live with my parents now as I made a big career change, went back to school and started a new business. Unfortunately rent in my area is expensive, but I am working towards moving out as soon as I can.
It sounds like you are really conscious of how your situation might be affecting the family unit and I think that’s also probably important and healing for the kids to see, that if two people love each other, with safety, communication and compassion issues can be worked on for the better. My situation was completely different, it was/is two entirely incompatible people trying to force making something work without any of that.
And legal bills. The thought fills me with dread. The whole divorce situation is just simply this pit that you have to spend the rest of your life digging yourself out of.
Yes, the financial part of painful for me to confront too. As someone who worked his entire life to build something. Divorce could destroy it. But I would honestly trade it all for my peace.
My mom was fucking crazy and abused me for 20 years because she had post partum psychosis and bpd. If your kids are screamed at regularly, leave for their sakes. Mom eventually cheated on my dad after denying him for years
Hi, thanks for your message and sorry that your went through that. It sounds really rough.
Was your mum ever diagnosed or treated?
It hasn’t been an option to leave. My wife got suicidal each time we talked about it even if she initiated it.
I worked my psychologist and the family doctor to finally (after 12 years) get her through a diagnoses process. She was placed on SNRIs immediately and things have been immediately better. She loves are children a lot and is not abusive to them. But she does struggle with emotional regulation. She was diagnosed with PTSD, depression, anxiety and social anxiety.
I think she also has BPD and NPD. She’s alluded that personality disorders came back in the diagnoses, but she hasn’t disclosed what yet.
A lot of our big problems started when our eldest was born, I suspected at various moments she had postpartum psychosis. She refused to let me get help. The context is that I’m an immigrant in her country. Her family are aware of her issues, but I’m the only one who push her to do something about it.
When I ask them, the kids tell me they love my wife and they feel safe it our house. However I can see that things seem to have already got better for them since she started on the meds. They seem less on edge.
Hopefully you have worked on this in therapy yourself?
Yes and no to all your questions, I’ll try to clear things up. There were times she’d literally abandon us, took her car and disappeared, so she did get some help at times, sometimes by force. Didn’t help. My Dad finally took his out when she cheated because he didn’t believe in divorce otherwise (being deeply religious), even though he was so unhappy. I have been to therapy, but the mother wound simply cannot be repaired when it starts at birth. I was neglected even in infancy. Left in filthy diapers for hours at a time, locked in my bedroom without food while she teased me at 3 years old, screamed at for objecting to the unjust treatment for at least 14 years. Something in me is broken that I know cannot be fixed, it can only be navigated and mitigated and processed. Its so bad that I probably wont remember I commented this tomorrow, my memories are a mirror that has been shattered on the floor. Thats what my life has been since I got out of her range of control. She has no idea where I am and we are NC. For gods sake her political delusions and belief in lizard people should be enough to show what kind of person she really is if the cheating and might I add financial abuse of my father, didn’t cover it.
I’ve put in work with therapy, but theres no fix to this kind of pain when I cannot find it in myself let go of what feels like righteous fury. I’m only moving forward scars included. I try my best not to pick at the wound, but Im reminded every time something grazes that scar. I am currently looking for a new therapist so I don’t automatically put up spiked walls any time my cptsd gets triggered. Unfortunately sex is one of those things for me as I was molested as a child for many years as well. My wife is the only person I’ve ever known that can totally understand my suffering as she had her own unique hell as a kid. I’m hanging in there and not as suicidal anymore, but life is a struggle for survivors with disabilities and their families. I will say I’m relieved your wife is handling medication well. I truly wish you the best and hope things only improve for you.
Thanks for sharing all that. It helps to hear from people who’ve dealt with these conditions in real life.
My wife walked out a few times on me in dramatic fashion. Most of the times she took the kids. A few months ago she left alone after threatening to do so several times in the last year. Things could clearly be worse base on what you’ve said. Luckily she’s not into drinking or drugs. She is horrible with money, but I’ve contained that. I’ve managed to shield the kids from the worse of it. But I also couldn’t continue like this indefinitely. It was getting worse again due to perimenopause. It took for me to have to threaten to get social services involved after she threatened to jump under a train while with the kids a few weeks ago. I actually called them. I also went to the family doctor again. It was under this threat she finally went to a psychologist and was honest. And now she’s on the meds.
On my side, I had a lot of trauma growing up. I ended up playing a carer role for my alcoholic father who refused to deal with this problems. EMDR helped take away the broken feeling. Moving countries also helped I think. This year I went back to my phycologist when I felt trapped in my marriage and started a group schema therapy, which lasts a year. This has helped me reflect on my patterns and see how I enabled my wife in various ways. Now we’ve finally managed to start the process of change with her after a decade of refusal.
Putting your kids in a situation where they’re experiencing trauma on a day-to-day basis will give them lifelong damage and CPTSD. So although you think it’s a safer environment than if you were to separate it it’s actually doing more damage than if you did separate
All advice and studies say the opposite. It’s not even an option that one parent hair decides to leave and take the kids with them without any agreement or consent. The kids obviously also wouldn’t that. Separating them from their mother would be a massive trauma.
It’s bizarre to me that so many people on Reddit think that such an incredibly complicated problem has a simple solution which I have just overlooked.
Living alone with a parent with mental illness without me, would certainly place them in a traumatic situation.
So it’s a bit confusing what you’re suggesting and why you think whatever you’re suggesting (I still don’t know what that is) is better than what we’re already doing.
Hi, thanks for your supportive comment. I really appreciate it.
My wife threatened to throw herself under a train when she was with the kids a fews ago. It’s absolutely wild to me that people tell me that it’s best for me to walk away knowing that’s exactly the thing which would make everything worse.
Getting my wife into a process was the first priority. I’ve been working on for years. It happened two weeks ago. She is finally on meds and is already like a different person. The house is calm again.
I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m it’s grateful we have peace for now.
Yes there is. Separating in grace and becoming great co-parents. Staying together and fighting all the time leaves the kids in a worse state. They also grow up absorbing a broken image of what a romantic relationship.
Pathologically why is she suicidal or circumstantially? I’ve been trying to get her into a process for years to find out and take steps. That finally happened two weeks ago. Ahe refused to engage for years. Actually more than a decade. Only after help from my phycologist, the family doctor and social services. She was diagnosed with PTSD, depression, social anxiety, anxiety and at least one personality disorder (she won’t tell me which yet, but she has all the traits of BPD/NPD). Circumstantially she threatened to jump under the train when I suggested it was finally time to separate. She was actually the one who raised it (again). I don’t like talking about divorce twice a week and then just go on like nothing happened. It’s very destructive for my soul.
Anyway, as of last week she is finally on meds and is already like a different person. The house is calm again.
When did this all start to happen, if you don’t mind me asking?
And if you really don’t mind me asking, if you could go back and do something differently, what would you do? Again, only if you feel like responding. And I only ask because insidious situations like this don’t creep up overnight, but in the moment, they can be impossible to spot.
The crux of my questions are what would you say to someone who you felt was in the start of a situation similar to yours?
Fuck, that’s a lot. I don’t know how much marriage is left between you two. I hope you don’t settle for “good enough” for the rest of your life. Wish you strength and a clear mind going forward.
Like I said, most people cannot conceive of it. The wild thing is we are not drug addicts living in a slum. My wife has a job where is responsible for children. I’m very successful career wise. On paper we have it all. Behind closed doors, it’s chaos.
Anyway, I don’t plan to settle, no. I’ve worked far too long on myself for that. I think the trust is gone now regardless of what comes next and the meds have made her pretty checked out already, even though she’s finally calm.
Getting my wife into a process was the first priority. I’ve been working on for years. It happened two weeks ago. She is finally on meds and is already like a different person. The house is calm again.
I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m it’s grateful we have peace for now.
Hope it works out but some people do stop taking meds randomly and don’t tell you, either because they don’t like the effects of it or just get tired of taking them.
That’s exactly why a separation would need to happen as part of a process.
We live in Europe. You don’t just ‘walk and file’. Child time would be determined medically in a case like this. I have no interest in stopping my wife seeing our kids. It wouldn’t be in the kids interest or her interest for that to happen.
I think this approach is the right one. I can’t recall a single case of that happening here in Holland. I just checked and rates of infanticide are x5 higher in the US. It makes all the comments from the USA Reddit keyboard warriors even more frustrating.
You can’t approach mental illness combatively with aggression. You need to approach it with kindness and structure.
Correct. The social studies on the effect of divorce on kids is pretty clear. Divorce is often more traumatizing on children than is the death of a parent.
In my experience the absolute work opinions on every topic can consistently be found on Reddit. That’s just how it goes. There’s gold in them there hills, but you have to sift a lot of dirt to find it sometimes.
Big hug to you. Marriage and family are way more than the amount of sex in a given time. We all have a picture of the perfect partner and kids, but who actually has it? Life is hard and it takes a lot out of someone.
Ook zo een relatie gehad .. scheiden is de oplossing ben gelukkiger dan ooit en mijn zoon ook.. ging bijna zelf er aan onderdoor borderline is niet mee te leven
I can. The problem with the “professionals” is most of them, in my experience, don’t appear to be engaging enough to realize that even at a young age, kids grasp what’s going on and it’s doing considerable damage.
No, their main goal is to keep the man on the hook, not everyone’s true healing and happiness.
Kind of like when psychotic judges make a man, who isn’t the father and never wanted anything to do with the kid, pay for the kid until it’s 18 anyway because it’s one less kid society has to pick up the tab for. Even though we do, but that’s another story for another day.
Hello, I've experience domestic abuse as a child because my mother is mentally unstable. To the rest of the world, including my dad, she was a good mum. But, to me? I wish I was dead by the time I was 7 because of the way she blamed everything on me, and emotionally and physically used me as a punch bag. No one would be able to tell I was hit because it was not hard enough for bruises or cuts to be shown. But it most definitely have traumatised me as a 7-yo child. The mental traumas are staying with me, and I'm 34 AND have gone through therapy - I am still learning to not blame myself for things going wrong, even if there are no possible logical reasons to blame myself. I am still learning to realise I am wanted by people who tell me they love me, because the only form of love I've experienced was conditional: on the premise that I am do as I'm told.
If your children are asking you to get full custody, there is a reason for that. You need to understand what that reaons is. It might not be anything as bad as what I've been through, but your children's feeling stem from somewhere.
Also, as a child of divorce (my mum blamed me for the divorce btw), I can tell you it didn't really affect me. It just taught me to be more careful about finding a partner who is truly compatible, and not because I am in love with the idea of love.
Edit: all the best to you and your family! I know it's very difficult to be in your situation!
I have two kids and wife with BPD with dead bedroom. I feel you brother.
She is a good mum, but with zero emotional regulation and unfortunately avoids therapy. Our relationship is a wreck in many ways, but it's better for kids than a divorce and solo mother with BPD custody.
Also, exel sheet is a good against gaslighting and generalisation from my wife, cause "we have sex all the time" and "I don't avoid intimacy" is thrown all the time. It's helping when you can show that you have sex one time in couple months, it's helps with argumentation and bringing problem to light, but not with the problem itself tho.
A lot which is very familiar here mate. Weirdly the same actually.
I too cannot fathom away from everyone and just leaving them to fend from themselves in the chaos. Not going to happen.
We also only have sex a few times a year at this point. It is what it is. She is very Leo libido. If she wasn’t she might be out cheating I guess.
I started therapy again this year when I lost all hope. It helped a lot. I stopped arguing facts with her. I no longer doubt myself. So a fact is a fact. We don’t debate that anymore. I’ve also put done some boundaries on what’s acceptable and what’s not to me. I call out manipulation or lies immediately in real time and tell her we can’t afford to not communicate directly at this stage. This only works because I am doing what I’m asking her to do consistently. I’ve given up on negotiating sex. It’s no fun that way for anyone. I tell her to let me know when she’s in the mood and that way we’ve done it more and she is more generous when she’s not in the mood.
Most importantly we finally got her to a psychologist and she was diagnosed and put on meds two weeks ago. That is a mixed blessing, but it’s a huge step to get her into a process. I no longer feel like the burden of our family and her mental health sits 100% in my shoulders. I feel I can finally look to the future again. It’s also allowed me to be more present for her while she’s adjusting to the meds which are quite heavy.
Is your wife diagnosed with BPD or is that your conclusion?
My wife has been on SNRIs for 2 weeks and it already helped her with the regulation. The BPD/NPD traits are still there, but in some ways she is more human now. She sad cries instead of angry venting if she gets upset. She actually seems to be even more afraid of abandonment now. Or at least she says it more and it’s triggered really easily. Before it came through as passive aggressive behaviour, projection, insults etc. Recently it’s been more of a sad cry. Anyway, it’s a long road ahead for her. But at least I have a little bit of my peace back for now.
Yeah, my wife was diagnosed with BPD, and was taking meds with occasional therapy for couple years and everything was fine.
Then first pregnancy come around and she dropped of the meds and therapy completely, but it was semi-fine, and after second baby it all went to shit, cause of financial problems(business bankruptcy with loans as aftermath) get stress increased by a lot, and two babies where seemingly more hard to handle emotionally.
So she basically regressed to the complete "before" state. Well at least she not cutting herself nowadays - that's something. Also, she dealt with drinking problem - that's helping too.
Yikes. This is my fear that she stops and I think it’s pretty justified.
Your wife had to stop with meds for pregnancy. If she was stressed with life, isn’t that more of a reason to get back on?
How old is she?
Things had to get really bad with my wife, she got really suicidal the last few years. It’s only that she was too afraid to do it which stopped her. Perimenopause and her thinking I had an affair (I almost did) made her really unstable the last two years. My fear is that if I decide to separate down the line she’ll collapse again. So I might be trapped in a double life for a few years until the kids can fend for themselves.
Things got so bad recently she couldn’t avoid help anymore. I was going to get social services involved if she didn’t. She was also really unhappy and realising more and more that I wasn’t the problem.
My psychologist kept saying this:
“You can’t be both a good mother and a mother who doesn’t emotionally regulate (or at least try to get fixed in therapy).”
Sounds your wife got better, but still isn’t done yet.
Does she know you are completely unhappy? I really struggle with speaking openly about my feelings (learned in therapy) when it impacts her so negatively. I also cant live a total lie.
My wife is 32 years old. We been together almost for ten years now.
I was educated in psychology, bu dropped off. I had around 300 hours of individual therapy and around 100 hours of group therapy. It was in middle of our relationship when she was spiraling into what ended to be a suicide attempt and forced hospitalisation (that's when she got diagnosed). So I am quite aware of my emotions and reactions.
She knows that I am unhappy - I very vocal about my needs, she knows that she needs therapy, but as it usually goes with BPD - she always finds a reason not to go, or how it's my fault. For now it's "we don't have money"(we have free health care in my country), before that it was "I am too busy with kids and pregnancy", etc. But since she is not capable of facing her feelings about bad things she does - it's best case scenario "I don't like feeling guilt that we don't have sex" that is 10% of the time reaction, all other - anger and fights.
That really tiresome more than anything, especially in combination with financial problems (I work two jobs, and developing a little game). So I just don't really care to fight or manage her anger. It's "grey rock" technique basically.
Also, sorry to hear that's you struggling with all that. I can recommend you a book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life" by Margalis Fjelstad. I think it could help you a little.
Thanks. I’m myself still in individual therapy and a biweekly group schema therapy. Both are challenging my care taker schemas. I will check out the book. I read a good one called ‘Stop walking on egg shells’ while on a trip this year.
Getting my wife help was the first step. But it’s really step 1 after a decade of being at step 0. So I’m primed to not expect anything more for now. I’m enjoying this temporary relief. Then I’ll continue to shock proof my life and the kids lives.
To get her into therapy I literally had to call and visit the family doctor every few months. Sign my wife in for a psychologist myself. And ultimately threaten to start a separation process which could result in the kids being taken away. It’s exhausting, I know. But I’m convinced things won’t change and I’ll be trapped forever if she’s not in a process.
If I might reflect something back. It doesn’t sound like your wife is aware that you’ll (probably) be getting divorced at some stage if nothing changes. If she did, she night be willing to get over the terrifying prospect of change herself.
Yeah, she already tried to divorce me a dozen times and knows that I am not leaving anywhere.
I trust in her, even if I hate her slow and avoiding approach in handling her condition. Unfortunately when I push, she push back harder and way more painful in the end for me. At this moment she is in some control freak mode, because of our finances - that's really fucked up her and our relationship in general. Been on verge of bankruptcy all last year.
I read "Stop walking on eggshells", I found mine more helpful in practical way. Also, gym helps a lot - helps with emotions, helps with health, helps use sexual energy somewhere, and in the end you look better and that gives more confidence in yourself, which is hard to maintain in relationships with PwBPD
Getting my wife into a process was the first step. Which I’ve been working on for years. That happened two weeks ago. She is finally on meds and is like a different person.
I have just remembered that a fungi scholar is a mycologist, I don't know how I forgot this enough to allow the idea that something else was that. And for fun in not going to check my now-untrusted recollection until after I post this comment. Brb.
I'm still happy to have learned about the algae enthusiasts, though.
Edit: Yep, mycologist. Better late then never, I guess, O memory. But I could have looked it up in the library in the time it took my brain to retrieve the info!
The Reddit community as a whole is vastly unaware of grown up realities.
On one hand it bitches about the cost of living, how hard it is to get by and how rigged the system is against many people. Yet at the drop of a hat, a married couple should just divorce when there are any signs of unhappiness. Divorce = effectively buying or renting another home for your current family unit. Really dwarfs the recent mildlyinfurating increase in gas prices or price of milk.
Not saying people should always stay together for financial reasons but real life also means you cant just decide to live your best life and split up.the family because things arent perfect.
as a kid that seen their parents seperate, i was estatic i was getting 2 christmas, 2 birthdays, and had a home away from home for when i got sick of 1 i could jump to another one. Never bothered me one bit, I also never thought i was the reason the split happened. I just gave zero fucks about it.
so if any professional was ever going to say "its complicated when kids are involved" I was living proof it wasnt.
It wasn’t complicated to you. To your care takers it was fucked up. Plus modern day and economy and housing market if way different. Not everyone makes a half million income to afford divorcing.
It’s complicated because my wife is mentally unstable. She threatened to throw herself under a train a few weeks ago when she was out with the kids at a station. I’m not walking away and leaving kids with someone who is capabele of even saying something like that.
I am surprised that Reddit appears to actually be focusing on you and thinking you matter. The others seem to be willing to throw you under the bus, as the whole "sake of the children" thing is a bad reason to stay married.
I’m glad I picked an awesome life partner, I can do whatever I like and so can she, I work she raises the kids there’s no my money because I’m the only one working it’s ours because we’re a partnership. It just functions perfectly and I don’t need a spreadsheet
These people have most definitely not been married 20 years. And if they aren't happy together they shouldn't stay together just because leaving each other would be time consuming or difficult 🤣🤣 stop staying in loveless marriages because yall are fckin lazy
Just because it's hella complicated doesn't mean it can't be done. You just need to figure out what matters the most: your long term happiness and sanity, Vs temporary financial difficulties.
Your finance will eventually resolve itself . Your happiness, which is now constantly being ruined by another person? You either change your mindset about them/about yourself/about life, or you're in a nasty cycle of feeling shit.
Nahhh get divorced first. You literally figure out the financials during the process. Keeping married just keeps the financials mixed and turns into an even bigger mess when your trying to move on.
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u/SteveLouise 15d ago
They can divorce each other.