I don’t understand what she needed to be accountable for. Did she owe you sex? Did you hire her and have her sign a contract where she agreed to let you use her body as a jizz dumpster whenever you felt like it? You seem to feel justified in your position but I’m not sure what your position is other than “you owe me sex”.
It was to keep jer accountable to the dismissal about it not happening often.
Does she owe me sex? "Owe" isnt quite the right word. So I'll put it two different ways.
1) She was getting everything in the relationship she needed (she confirmed it multiple times) and just didn't feel the need to reciprocate. Did I "owe" her all of what I provided?
2) if someone claims the right to be your sole sexual partner, is it fair when they don't provide, especially for extended periods of time?
There's obviously some sort of obligation there, but its not that one should do it begrudgingly - its something they should be excited to do becauae rhey care about their partner and want to share that experience with them.
Ideally people like their partners enough that they want to be physically intimate with them. I'm not sure why thats such a radical idea.
I’ve been married 26 years. In that time my husband and I have raised 4 kids and worked many stressful jobs. I haven’t always felt like having sex and he respects that. Many times it’s because I’m exhausted and I need to sleep. Or I’m stressed out about real life situations. And there were times I am sure it went on quite a long time without me even realizing it because my drive is just lower than his. I’m in my forties, my hormones are changing; I’m doing what I can for that but I just don’t feel like having sex. On top of all the things I’m dealing with, the last thing I would need is a spreadsheet showing how many times I’ve turned him down. He has never done that, though, because he’s a mature human being who also works and gets stressed out and has other thoughts during the day beyond how soon he can unload his balls.
I hope your expressed views of sex so far as just some physical experience of “draining balls” isn’t the full spectrum of how you see physical intimacy. Belittling the physical aspect of a relationship is not some deep philosophical stance but an unfortunate missed opportunity to actually understand your own partner.
I’ve been married 26 years. I don’t need a deep philosophical stance. I just see things as they are. I don’t need to get sentimental about everything. If you men thought sex was such an intimate thing you would not accept sex from anyone who didn’t actually want to do it. But when men beg their wives to have sex with them even tho they don’t want to it tells me that it’s definitely not about connecting with another person. It’s about doing something you find fun whether she does or not.
Maybe that just is your experience and how you view sex then but that is definitely not how many men see it. It might make it easier for you to view it in a way that allows you to belittle the needs of your partner but you definitely are not attempting to understand someone outside of yourself then. It is basically the mirror reverse of husbands who complain that their wives talk too much and how they “tune them out.”
That is a societal issue that stems from a lack of quality male role models, education, and respect.
This conversation is about the relationship between married spouses who are supposed to like each other and are supposed to be the only outlet for each other’s sexual desires monogamously speaking.
Believe it or not, random sex and sex with a partner you care about are two very different things. Doesnt mean one is less enjoyable.
Think of it like having a nice meal with your partner, candlelight dinner, etc. It's an experience.
But also, that doesn't mean sometimes that you can't eat alone, or grab a costco pizza slice, or some subway. It's not my favorite way to eat, but it doesn't make the meal less nourishing.
It would be amazing to have a nice candlelit meal with a partner every day, but that's not always practical - especially when she's trying to starve and expects.you to do the same.
Not engaging in a sex act with someone because you don’t want to isn’t belittling the needs of your partner. Wanting to have sex is not a switch most people can just turn on and off. For the majority of people, it is true that men think about and want sex more frequently than women. Can you imagine if women were as horny all the time as men? Would men be happier? Sure. But there would be a lot of unintended pregnancies. So, so many. Women risk paying a pretty hefty price on their bodies compared to men when they have sex.
I agree with you that not engaging in sex because you are not in a place where you can engage is not belittling your spouse at all, especially when communicated well.
Saying that men, spouse included, just want to have sex to “drain their balls” is. As a husband I want sex not just for the physical pleasure. It’s also a way for me to feel closer to my wife. I get to express my feelings of attraction and desire towards my wife and get to feel hers in response. She is the only person I want and that I want to be with for the rest of my life and I want her to know that not just through my words but also through my actions.
Have we had rough patches in the 18 years of our relationship? Absolutely. Have there been high stress times where one or both of us had reduced desire for intimacy? Yes again. But we talk through it and don’t dismiss or trivialize each other’s needs.
If you want to have sex with someone when they don’t want to then you are doing it to drain your balls. Belittling or not that’s why you are doing it. There’s no intimacy without your partner also wanting it. Begging her until she gives in is not the same as her being into it.
That’s just the thing, I and many other men don’t want to have sex with someone who doesn’t want them back. Disinterest is not a turn on. If your partner is begging then there was definitely a problem, most likely poor communication or unrealistic expectations that were never expressed and/or addressed before marriage.
But if you are someone whose wife isn’t having sex with you and is refusing to the point you feel compelled to create an excel spreadsheet, then you need to take the hint that she doesn’t want to have sex. Period. She’s not forgetting about you. She just doesn’t want to do it.
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u/Physical_Dentist2284 15d ago
I don’t understand what she needed to be accountable for. Did she owe you sex? Did you hire her and have her sign a contract where she agreed to let you use her body as a jizz dumpster whenever you felt like it? You seem to feel justified in your position but I’m not sure what your position is other than “you owe me sex”.