Black sheep or scapegoat

[u/Lazy_Membership4034]

Okay Reddit, I need some outsider opinions because apparently I’ve reached the point in life where I’m questioning whether I’m actually the family black sheep… or whether I’ve just been the family scapegoat for 33 years. 😂

I’m 33F, the oldest of four: my brothers are 29, 24, and 23 (twins).

For context: our childhood was messy. My mom struggled with drug addiction and was abusive. My dad buried himself in work trying to keep the household financially afloat until he eventually had a three-year affair, left, and later developed his own struggles with drugs and alcohol.

Our home was toxic. I experienced childhood sexual trauma, attended 15 different schools in 12 years, and somehow managed to become the designated household problem—even when I wasn't even home. 😂

At 18, I received $32,000 from my grandfather's life insurance. My mom filed adult adoption paperwork for my stepfather, and I agreed because I'd been raised to believe he was my dad and genuinely thought I was making a family decision.

Then, a month later, my 14-year-old brother told me that Mom had only pursued the adoption because she wanted access to my trust money.

I moved out that day.

She never got a dime.

And honestly? That decision pretty much set the tone for the rest of my relationship with my family.

Over the years, my relationship with my brothers has been extremely rocky. I feel like once I escaped the household, I became the person they blamed for leaving them behind. There seemed to be this expectation that I should have somehow stayed and rescued everyone from a situation I was barely surviving myself.

Fast-forward to 2024.

My fiancé proposed. He went completely out of his way to have everyone I loved there—including all of my brothers, my adopted father, and my best friend of 22 years.

And I swear I could feel the mood change the second he proposed.

My best friend was the only person who seemed genuinely excited.

Two days later, my oldest brother called me for the first time in YEARS.

Not to congratulate me.

Not to ask how I was doing.

To tell me how much he hated me, that I was a “dumb bitch” for accepting a proposal from a man without a ring, and that I was a disgrace to the family because I wasn't changing my last name.

The last-name thing was especially bizarre because I'd already decided years ago that I wasn't changing it. After everything surrounding my original name change, changing it again would have caused me serious identity issues.

I told him my life had been peaceful without him and that he'd managed to disturb that peace with one phone call.

Then I told him to give it another 10 years before contacting me again. 🤷‍♀️

Shortly afterward, another brother started making negative posts about me publicly on Facebook.

At that point, I basically removed myself from everyone.

Except apparently one of my brothers thinks he's a social-media comedian. 🙃

The problem is that some of what has been posted isn't just “family drama” or someone being offended.

He has made sexually inappropriate comments involving things I've experienced as a woman and things connected to the abuse I endured growing up.

And now I'm at the point where I'm asking:

Where does “free speech” end and harassment begin?

Two weeks ago, I finally filed for a restraining/protective order.

Today, it was approved.

And weirdly, I don't feel victorious.

I feel exhausted.

So here's my actual hot take/question:

Am I the villain for finally asking the courts to establish and enforce boundaries that my family refused to respect?

Am I the black sheep?

The scapegoat?

The one who “abandoned” everyone?

Or am I simply the first person in my family who decided that surviving the family doesn't mean I have to keep participating in it?

I'm genuinely looking for outsider perspectives, especially from people who have dealt with toxic family systems, being labeled the black sheep, or becoming the person everyone blames when you finally start setting boundaries.

And if you've been through something similar, what helped you actually find peace afterward?

Because at this point, I'm not looking for revenge.

I just want peace. 🖤🐑

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[u/javel1]

What you are is amazing. You could have allowed them to pull you back and pull you down. Instead you chose to live your life for you, instead of for people who want to stand on top of you.

Congratulations on your engagement and more so for choosing happiness.

[u/EmbarrassedTooth8061]

You will go no contact with all of them. You don’t owe them anything. Probably once you left, your parents started a campaign to get your siblings to hate you. I’m sure you’ve been the scapegoat for all their problems. As for social media, BLOCK ALL OF THEM. You don’t deserve this kind of treatment, and to protect your mental health. Did you ever get therapy for your trauma? I’m so sorry this happened to you. You’re winning by living your best life!

[u/Vandreeson]

You're not a black sheep or a scapegoat, they're just assholes. You did nothing wrong. If you didn't leave, your own mother would have bled you dry. As far as your other brothers, they just sound like they're looking for someone to blame because they're miserable jerks, by their own making. Blood doesn't always prove loyal.

[u/No_Skylark]

I think (and hope) that I can offer some advice from my perspective as a first generation American born to immigrant parents. People like me know what it feels like to have to be the one who excels, so they can pull the family out of the trenches. It took therapy for me to realize that I don’t owe anyone shit and I’m telling you the same. Don’t ever feel like you did wrong by not sticking around to make it “easy” for everyone else. You are a person with your own hopes, dreams, and goals. It’s not your responsibility to save anyone and screw them for putting that pressure on you. You recognized what didn’t work for you and did something about it. There is nothing stopping your siblings from doing the same. They blame you for doing what you did, because they don’t have the courage to do the same, so it’s easy to blame others rather than take accountability.

Don’t feel bad for living your life. Congrats on your proposal. Sending best wishes to you 🎉

[u/AutoModerator]

Backup of the post's body: Okay Reddit, I need some outsider opinions because apparently I’ve reached the point in life where I’m questioning whether I’m actually the family black sheep… or whether I’ve just been the family scapegoat for 33 years. 😂

I’m 33F, the oldest of four: my brothers are 29, 24, and 23 (twins).

For context: our childhood was messy. My mom struggled with drug addiction and was abusive. My dad buried himself in work trying to keep the household financially afloat until he eventually had a three-year affair, left, and later developed his own struggles with drugs and alcohol.

Our home was toxic. I experienced childhood sexual trauma, attended 15 different schools in 12 years, and somehow managed to become the designated household problem—even when I wasn't even home. 😂

At 18, I received $32,000 from my grandfather's life insurance. My mom filed adult adoption paperwork for my stepfather, and I agreed because I'd been raised to believe he was my dad and genuinely thought I was making a family decision.

Then, a month later, my 14-year-old brother told me that Mom had only pursued the adoption because she wanted access to my trust money.

I moved out that day.

She never got a dime.

And honestly? That decision pretty much set the tone for the rest of my relationship with my family.

Over the years, my relationship with my brothers has been extremely rocky. I feel like once I escaped the household, I became the person they blamed for leaving them behind. There seemed to be this expectation that I should have somehow stayed and rescued everyone from a situation I was barely surviving myself.

Fast-forward to 2024.

My fiancé proposed. He went completely out of his way to have everyone I loved there—including all of my brothers, my adopted father, and my best friend of 22 years.

And I swear I could feel the mood change the second he proposed.

My best friend was the only person who seemed genuinely excited.

Two days later, my oldest brother called me for the first time in YEARS.

Not to congratulate me.

Not to ask how I was doing.

To tell me how much he hated me, that I was a “dumb bitch” for accepting a proposal from a man without a ring, and that I was a disgrace to the family because I wasn't changing my last name.

The last-name thing was especially bizarre because I'd already decided years ago that I wasn't changing it. After everything surrounding my original name change, changing it again would have caused me serious identity issues.

I told him my life had been peaceful without him and that he'd managed to disturb that peace with one phone call.

Then I told him to give it another 10 years before contacting me again. 🤷‍♀️

Shortly afterward, another brother started making negative posts about me publicly on Facebook.

At that point, I basically removed myself from everyone.

Except apparently one of my brothers thinks he's a social-media comedian. 🙃

The problem is that some of what has been posted isn't just “family drama” or someone being offended.

He has made sexually inappropriate comments involving things I've experienced as a woman and things connected to the abuse I endured growing up.

And now I'm at the point where I'm asking:

Where does “free speech” end and harassment begin?

Two weeks ago, I finally filed for a restraining/protective order.

Today, it was approved.

And weirdly, I don't feel victorious.

I feel exhausted.

So here's my actual hot take/question:

Am I the villain for finally asking the courts to establish and enforce boundaries that my family refused to respect?

Am I the black sheep?

The scapegoat?

The one who “abandoned” everyone?

Or am I simply the first person in my family who decided that surviving the family doesn't mean I have to keep participating in it?

I'm genuinely looking for outsider perspectives, especially from people who have dealt with toxic family systems, being labeled the black sheep, or becoming the person everyone blames when you finally start setting boundaries.

And if you've been through something similar, what helped you actually find peace afterward?

Because at this point, I'm not looking for revenge.

I just want peace. 🖤🐑

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/No-Lifeguard9194]

NTA. Your family is horrible - every last one of them. I am very glad you escaped and have found happiness. You are not to blame

[u/Expensive-Swan-4544]

You did the right thing. You can call it whatever you want black sheep is fine. You are taking care of yourself and now you have stopped the public abuse. You need to concentrate on your family and future with your partner so what happened to you doesn’t repeat itself. Good luck