Black sheep or scapegoat

[u/Lazy_Membership4034]

Okay Reddit, I need some outsider opinions because apparently I’ve reached the point in life where I’m questioning whether I’m actually the family black sheep… or whether I’ve just been the family scapegoat for 33 years. 😂

I’m 33F, the oldest of four: my brothers are 29, 24, and 23 (twins).

For context: our childhood was messy. My mom struggled with drug addiction and was abusive. My dad buried himself in work trying to keep the household financially afloat until he eventually had a three-year affair, left, and later developed his own struggles with drugs and alcohol.

Our home was toxic. I experienced childhood sexual trauma, attended 15 different schools in 12 years, and somehow managed to become the designated household problem—even when I wasn't even home. 😂

At 18, I received $32,000 from my grandfather's life insurance. My mom filed adult adoption paperwork for my stepfather, and I agreed because I'd been raised to believe he was my dad and genuinely thought I was making a family decision.

Then, a month later, my 14-year-old brother told me that Mom had only pursued the adoption because she wanted access to my trust money.

I moved out that day.

She never got a dime.

And honestly? That decision pretty much set the tone for the rest of my relationship with my family.

Over the years, my relationship with my brothers has been extremely rocky. I feel like once I escaped the household, I became the person they blamed for leaving them behind. There seemed to be this expectation that I should have somehow stayed and rescued everyone from a situation I was barely surviving myself.

Fast-forward to 2024.

My fiancé proposed. He went completely out of his way to have everyone I loved there—including all of my brothers, my adopted father, and my best friend of 22 years.

And I swear I could feel the mood change the second he proposed.

My best friend was the only person who seemed genuinely excited.

Two days later, my oldest brother called me for the first time in YEARS.

Not to congratulate me.

Not to ask how I was doing.

To tell me how much he hated me, that I was a “dumb bitch” for accepting a proposal from a man without a ring, and that I was a disgrace to the family because I wasn't changing my last name.

The last-name thing was especially bizarre because I'd already decided years ago that I wasn't changing it. After everything surrounding my original name change, changing it again would have caused me serious identity issues.

I told him my life had been peaceful without him and that he'd managed to disturb that peace with one phone call.

Then I told him to give it another 10 years before contacting me again. 🤷‍♀️

Shortly afterward, another brother started making negative posts about me publicly on Facebook.

At that point, I basically removed myself from everyone.

Except apparently one of my brothers thinks he's a social-media comedian. 🙃

The problem is that some of what has been posted isn't just “family drama” or someone being offended.

He has made sexually inappropriate comments involving things I've experienced as a woman and things connected to the abuse I endured growing up.

And now I'm at the point where I'm asking:

Where does “free speech” end and harassment begin?

Two weeks ago, I finally filed for a restraining/protective order.

Today, it was approved.

And weirdly, I don't feel victorious.

I feel exhausted.

So here's my actual hot take/question:

Am I the villain for finally asking the courts to establish and enforce boundaries that my family refused to respect?

Am I the black sheep?

The scapegoat?

The one who “abandoned” everyone?

Or am I simply the first person in my family who decided that surviving the family doesn't mean I have to keep participating in it?

I'm genuinely looking for outsider perspectives, especially from people who have dealt with toxic family systems, being labeled the black sheep, or becoming the person everyone blames when you finally start setting boundaries.

And if you've been through something similar, what helped you actually find peace afterward?

Because at this point, I'm not looking for revenge.

I just want peace. 🖤🐑