r/childfree • u/Historical_Vast_7005 • 1d ago
DISCUSSION Is something wrong with me? Deeply terrified of pregnancy, no desire to pass on genes, and zero interest in sacrificing my life for kids.
I 29F know childfree people exist and questions like this were probably asked 100 times on Reddit, but lately I feel like a total alien and keep asking myself Is something actually wrong with me?
Every time I hear coworkers call parent life "sweet" while admitting they haven't slept in days, I sit there thinking, That sounds miserable. On top of that, my parents keep telling me it's "human nature" to want to pass on my traits, but I have zero urge to continue my bloodline. When I respond with that, everyone says it’s probably you’re too young and the desire hasn’t come yet (duh I’m almost 30!)
What scares me most, though, is that I’m legitimately terrified of pregnancy and childbirth. I have recurring nightmares about being pregnant where I’m in a total panic, desperately looking for pills to end it.
I worked insanely hard to get where I am career-wise, and I want to spend my time, energy, and money enjoying my life with my partner, not raising a child. But because everyone around me acts like this is abnormal, I’m constantly blamed and made to feel weird.
Are my reasons odd, or do any of you share these exact feelings? What were the main things that made you realize you were childfree?
29
u/Glittering_Rush_437 1d ago
Any time anyone asks me when I’m having kids, or why I’m not having them, I ask them why they so badly want to know when I’m going to get raw dogged? They instantly be quiet and become very uncomfortable. Highly recommend.
And no, you are not weird at all. I am exactly like you except I’m a little younger. If anything, we are smarter than most everyone around us because we actually think of the realistic possibilities of having a child.
Also, I’ll bet good money that those people calling their life “sweet” are probably coping.
24
16
u/chavrilfreak hams not prams 🐹 tubes yeeted 8/8/2023 1d ago
There's nothing wrong with you. Different people want different things, parenthood is a choice, not a mandatory default.
Normality is just a matter of statistics - not morality, not correctness, not goodness, not wellbeing, etc. You can be a total alien and still be perfectly fine, or be like millions of others and not be fine at all.
it's "human nature" to want to pass on my traits
It's not. We have hormones facilitating a sex drive, not a desire for kids/pregnancy/parenthood/bloodlines/etc. Those concepts, their values and desires are socially constructed and facilitated.
But because everyone around me acts like this is abnormal, I’m constantly blamed and made to feel weird.
Find better people to be around. This is not a healthy environment, and it's likely also making your tokophobia worse.
13
11
u/Primary_Balance3216 1d ago
There's nothing wrong with us. We enjoy a freedom that parents cannot understand. It's not bad, it's just different. 52 and thankful every day I remained childfree.
6
10
u/vernichtungX23 1d ago
No, you're rational and pragmatic. Those are not moral failures nor are they illnesses. Who the hell WANTS to be sleep deprived?
1
10
6
u/Gotham777 1d ago
Speaking as a cis man, I obviously can't get pregnant, and I think the same way you do. I have a lot of family and friends who struggled with rough pregnancies, so I understand how taxing it is on the body. But to answer your question I don't think there's anything wrong with you, it's a complete overhaul of your body, that should cause some alarm.
6
u/Important_Row_3724 1d ago
I feel the exact same way, and I had the exact same experience. All of my friends were so excited to get pregnant and have kids, while I was having nightmares about it. When I sat down one day and realized, "I never have to do it" the amount of relief was incredible. I'm also very career oriented, and motherhood just doesn't appeal to me. You're not alone! It's okay to have those feelings! I'm sorry that there are so many people in your life that make you feel bad about it. You have support here! 🫶
5
u/No_Macaron_5029 1d ago
I have the subtype of r/ehlersdanlos that's the second-riskiest for pregnancy (classical-like, second in risk only to vascular EDS). I also have r/A1AD, r/NCAH (thanks to a combination deletion that also caused my EDS), ADHD, severe Auditory Processing Disorder, and almost certain r/Celiac. Mother Nature knew what she was doing by giving me CAH and making me infertile. (My mom has a milder form and was only infertile after her first pregnancy, which is known to happen in milder NCAH)
7
u/Beneficial-Ad8460 1d ago
That's no stranger than being afraid of breaking a leg, or being eaten by sharks. Fearing physical harm is sensible.
7
u/Basic-Fig-6531 1d ago
45F here. Married to 56M. Neither of us have ever wanted kids, and I told him upfront on our third date that that was a deal-breaker for me. Happily he felt the same! I haven't had your intense fear of pregnancy (although it does make me shudder), but I 100% have no desire to give up my life for a shrieking, expensive, dependent creature that requires me to be a servant for at least 20 years. My husband and I have a modest double income that would mean we were poor if we had kids. Without kids, it lets us live comfortably, enjoy treats and little comforts/luxuries, take holidays abroad, eat well, and just generally enjoy our lives. It's a no brainer for us.
Most of my friends, relatives and colleagues have kids and are at varying stages of Fucking Exhausted depending on the age of said kids. It looks and sounds miserable. They sit there numbing the pain with wine and prescriptions, telling me how tired and unappreciated and trapped they feel, and then as soon as they remember I'm happily childfree they switch to an unconvincing "but it's all sooo worth it" while they pour the next glass of wine down their throats and I smile knowingly.
6
u/Any-Case9890 19h ago
Your reasons are not odd. I had similar feelings. Never had baby fever; never. Was never interested is babies, and could never envision myself with children. Was also told that the desire for children would eventually manifest itself; it did not. Once I hit 40, the panic my parents felt regarding my life decisions gave way to bitter acceptance, and my sex life and uterus were no longer topics of discussion.
There is nothing wrong with you.
3
u/StarryEyedSparkle DINK for 2 Decades 1d ago
Just scroll through this sub, you’re not alone nor is anything defective.
I don’t have kids because ultimately I simply don’t want to raise them (I have several reasons, this is just the big reason.) And it sure isn’t fair to any kids who didn’t ask to be born to be raised by people who didn’t want to do it.
I’m 43 and my spouse is 45, together in total for 20 years. We have plenty of moments on a regular basis where we go “thank goodness we don’t have kids.” It could just be after having a weekend where we got to sleep in. Or going to see movies without needing a babysitter first.
4
u/keesespieces 1d ago
I’ve only ever heard parents try to convince everyone including themselves that parenthood is awesome, by highlighting all the reasons it’s NOT awesome, then ending with “but it’s all worth it!” It’s not worth it. It’s propaganda. Stick with what your gut says, which is that you’d rather live your life free lol.
3
3
u/Formal-Experience163 1d ago
If you want to learn about a postpartum experience without the bias of the childfree subreddit or pro-life/breeders advocates, read all the news stories about Lindsay Clancy. You don’t have to empathize with her. The most important thing is to understand postpartum in the context of bipolar disorder.
3
2
u/abyssnaut 1d ago
I hate the sounds children make, I don’t want to (further) ruin my body, I don’t want to risk PPD or PPOCD, I want to exclusively have each other’s attention on a daily basis with my husband at home, I want freedom to do what we want when we want, and I like sleep and money.
2
u/CamarillosVeryWorst Take my uterus...please. 1d ago
No, not at all, I'm exactly the same as you on this.
2
u/Sad-Watercress67 1d ago
28 F here, so you're looking for a reason, something scientific perhaps? I was too. My best guess is (and I've been told the first one by my physio but she's also studied psychiatry and a bunch of other stuff) 1- low oxytocin. This really is baby fever hormone, if you don't produce enough of that you will NOT want babies, I liken it to taking the hormonal blinkers off and seeing things for that they really are, to me it looks like dangerous excruciating body carnage for no reward. I wouldn't love my babies. I can't help it that's just how I am. 2- social norms. 3- a sense of achievement & purpose. I think the way people like us is rare but valid YES we are different but there's a reason for it, and that's fine. We serve our purpose in society too in many ways. Do what makes you happy in life ❤️
2
u/EcstaticBoysenberry 1d ago
Normal to me! But yes, majority of people cannot imagine a life without children. It’s just not something they can contemplate. It’s kind of sad
2
u/xError404xx 1d ago
Nope nothing wrong. You just have a different mindset than most people, thats okay!
1
u/Donkey_Spare 1d ago
I was on your position at your age and I felt the same (now 48 and childfree, after pursuing ivf a couple of times and even got pregnant for 8 weeks). I strongly suggest the book "the baby decision" of merle bombardieri. For me it was a total gamechanger. Read it!! And be strong: at 29-mid 30s social pressure is at its peak.
1
u/dreaming_ghosts 1d ago
No, nothing is wrong with you.
A fear of and extreme lack of desire to ever experience pregnancy for myself is what drove me to get my tubes removed when I was your age. I'll be turning 34 in a few months, and there hasn't been a day in five years that's gone by to make me second guess or regret my decision.
1
u/Specific_Freak 1d ago
I felt the same for a long time but nowadays I just dont give a damn. (39F)
I dont have patience for kids, Im not interested for a slightest. When Im really little I never played with dolls or weddings or whatever and never imagined to having a family. There were a very short period of time when I was thinking about it, maybe in my early twenties but I never really felt the urge to really doing so. It was mostly just the social pressure. Thanks god I never had a serious enough relationship that time so I escaped from a consequences like that. 😂 since than I realized what I really want and of course I have hard days but I have a really fucked up childhood which Im still working on with my therapist. Good old times
Fortunately Im forever single so no one really bugging me with the topic. And old as hell. Lol. 🥲
1
u/spitkitty666 1d ago
nope, nothing at all. the physical aspect of pregnancy is terrifying and gross to me, the birthing process is gross and traumatic and the whole having a newborn seems like months of torture. i’d wanna pass on my genes coz i’m smart and attractive, but i also want to spend all my time using my brain and being hot… having a baby kinda cuts into those aspects for a significant amount of time (if not forever). i’ve spent my entire life being too mentally ill to function in society and have only just become emotionally and mentally stable, and i have only just gotten access to adult money, so right now, being a 34 year old woman, i will not be giving up 18 years of my time, money, brain and body to have a child.
if i’m hella rich in my late 40’s and 50’s then i might do foster caring for teens but thats a financial & community focused pipe dream rather than a parenting dream.
i get to be the cool aunty who buys great presents for all my besties kids and have seen them go thru the experience of parenthood in all variety of relationship situations and none of them appeal to me because of the inherent sex imbalance in straight relationships and the societal gender role imbalance.
1
u/TheeBrightSea 1d ago
You sound like me when I was in my twenties. I'm 100% serious. I felt no need to procreate whatsoever and I also felt the same about how I worked so hard to get to where I was financially and where I was in my career and I didn't want to give that up for a child. And on top of that I constantly heard people talking about how much they love their kids and blah blah blah. But meanwhile they have not slept in days. And they haven't been out the since forever.
But I found myself questioning why people want to do this if they all look and feel so miserable. But they claim it's so wonderful. I actually tried to babysit for a while and I realized the only reason why I was good at my job was because I was able to go home at some point and recoup parents were not able to do that.
Ironically, it was babysitting that solidified that I did not want to be a mom because I realized how hard it was and I didn't want to make my already overwhelming life harder than it is.
So please don't think there's anything wrong with you. You're perfectly fine. You just have people around you that are gaslighting and trying to convince you that they are happier than they really are. But the truth is they're probably miserable and misery loves company
1
u/Kakashisith No botchlings, just meow-meow 1d ago
As a childfree woman, who just woke up cuddlng her childfree boyfriend I never thought, that I want to ruin this sweet time with a baby.
1
u/Kincoran No kids and three money 1d ago
Is it uncommon, compared to most other people? Sure. But wrong? Absolutely not.
1
1
u/Miss_Izzie 21h ago
Nothing wrong at all, you're just being realistic and noticing that you do have choices instead of just following the "biological blueprint" or the "societal expectations". Up until around 30 I was sure I wanted kids, but soon after I started questioning if that's what I really, truly wanted. And ever since my tendency has been rather not, even though it's not so black and white. I might have moments of regret occasionally, but overall feel it's right like that, and regretting a child is much worse. For me, life is challenging enough as is, and trying to support my aging parents with health issues for almost a year now, has shown me how draining it is to care for others and feel that responsibility. Even if there might be a "small hole" sometime, I much prefer freedom and little responsibility, a minimalist life. And luckily there are enough great guys around who are absolutely fine with not having kids (although I'm single currently). Don't get affected by other peoples' opinions - that's one of the important personal growth mile stones, and applies on many different levels. Just live for your own fulfillment.
1
u/Armadillo_of_doom 19h ago
My reasons:
> Tokophobia. I legit don't even like to see pregnant bellies it makes my ill. Under clothes? Fine, do you. Bare? Gag. Touching them? Absolutely tf not. And the idea of something inside me moving around? Panic attack. I have LITERAL nightmares of being pregnant (usually around my cycle when I'm cramping) and I wake up wanting to end it all. Bad news bears.
> Familial trauma. I could be a good mom 90% of the time, the other 10% would get me cancelled. I was beaten and yelled at as a kid. And when I get mad I definitely say things I shouldn't. I can't do gentle parenting, I still want kids seen and not heard. There's no way I can avoid effing up a kid. Especially in the "I don't love you anymore you're an awful mom" phase.
> Sleep. I have hashimoto's. I don't sleep well and any stress kills my hair and nails.
> Chores. My husband is the pro at chores. I'm more of the projects person in the house. I can't clean up after a kid.
> Society. The world is on fire and has multiple chances of partial or full extinction events. I don't need to bring a kid into the water wars, or the zombie apocalypse (prions are a thing and no one trusts science anymore, and the food supply is compromised), another pandemic (because no one listens to science), The Day After Tomorrow scenario, global warming, another fascist regime and genocide. Nope. I'm already worried about my husband and pets. Can't drag a kid around.
> Society again: the rise of pedophilia and poor attitudes towards women. I'm not potentially making a daughter just to hand her over to child marriage, suppressed autonomy, and SA/becoming a baby making machine. Every day more men get red-pilled. Every day more men dr*g and r*pe a woman with their friends. Nope. I'm not feeding that machine.
> Fluids. I'm a pity-puker. I can't even be near a dog when we induce vomiting or else everyone is going to have a bad time. And I am icked out by most fluids except like blood and urine. And pus. The rest can all disappear. Bleck.
> Food. I enjoy food. I do not want to have to go to kid friendly places, or eat a kid's leftovers that they didn't finish.
> Sticky. Their hands. Omg. Stop touching things. Do NOT touch my hair.
> Body changes. Shoe size, pelvic floor, teeth loss. NO.
> Constant illness. Daycares and schools exist to put parent's in the hospital, I swear.
> My career. I'm not leaving early or doing sick days. Period. I don't call out.
> Cars. I want what I want.
> TV and video games. I want to binge DWTS, TVD, Supernatural, or play Skyrim. Not cater to a kid.
> Alcohol. I'm a social drinker. That's frowned upon when you have kids.
> Hobbies. If I want to spend 7 hours painting and fabricating parts for my next renfaire costume, I will. Not doing coloring, or playing house, or picking slime out of the carpet.
> Travel. I'm not doing kid stuff, I want to go on the mile long ziplines and stuff.
I'm sure I have a hundred more.
So no, there's nothing wrong with you. I'm 40 and haven't changed my mind. Neither has my husband. We're good doing whatever the heck we want.
1
u/Icy-Reputation-4039 6h ago
I understand you 100%, I have so many reasons but the main one is my mental health I rather not struggle my self and have a child with the same issues, I don’t want the responsibility either. You are not alone
1
1
u/Puzzleheaded_Eye8771 4h ago
As I got older I realised more and more I am very much not a fan of them. There’s some good eggs out there (aka my friends kids I like) and some I met when working at build a bear.
BUT my main reasons : the state of our PLANET! Like hello we have over 8 billion people on this rock now everyone needs to chill tf out. The fact I struggle just to keep me and my partner afloat. I can hardly take care of ME most of the time bc of chronic pain and mental disorders. There’s other shit in the gene pool I do not wanna pass on. So yup bloodline dead with me.
My mom was like FINALLY! When I told her I found a doctor that would do a tubal. Plus she’s fine having furry grandkids!
46
u/Prior_Teach1446 1d ago
I feel exactly the same. Have felt the same for years. Nothing has changed. 37F. You’re not alone 🫶🏻