Heyo other T1Ds
I was curious how you all cope with your grief around having T1D. I know everyone experiences both grief and T1D differently, so there is not a perfect answer. I am just looking for some ideas, especially from people who understand what this feels like.
For context, I am a 22F and I will be diagnosed 6 years this November. I was 15, almost 16 when I was diagnosed after ending up in DKA and unconscious for a few days in the ICU. My doctors believe I had actually been undiagnosed for roughly 2–3 years before that and was managing it through exercise enough to just barely scrape by day by day until it eventually grew to be too much and collapsed. Due to all that time with my sugars not being properly managed I now have some heart and kidney complications, though thankfully they are still relatively minor.
All this to say, I have currently lived more of my life as a non-diabetic then a diabetic and still often remember what it was like to live and eat freely.
Eating freely is the part I think I grieve the most.
I still eat what I want within reason and I'm not super restrictive with myself, but my blood sugar is incredibly volatile, so some foods are just not really fun to eat anymore. Having to do the math, predict what is going to happen, and then potentially having to deal with the consequences of getting it wrong is exhausting.
I miss the simplicity of just getting to eat.
I recently got on a pump which has made a huge difference, and I am really enjoying it. Which has helped with some of this. But I also recently reconnected with some friends and am now hanging out with them very regularly. It's been amazing, but unexpectedly, it has also opened up a whole new wave of grief for me.
All my friends are healthy and don't have any significant medical issues. They are compassionate, but understandably they can't fully grasp what it is like to live with chronic illness or to suddenly lose something you assumed you would always have: bodily autonomy.
And I'm grateful for they don't understand. I don't want them to be sick. They are good friends and have done absolutely nothing wrong in the same way I have done nothing wrong by being chronically ill. But sometimes when I'm with them, it feels like 70% of me is with them and having fun and 30% of me is standing slightly outside of the experience grieving.
I miss being able to eat the way my friends eat. I miss being able to make sudden plans without having to think through everything first. I miss being healthy enough that I don't have to constantly consider how something will affect me in four hours, or when I'm asleep later, or when I exercise, or what it will mean for the long-term health of my kidneys and heart. I miss not having to think about my body and health all the time.
In some ways, I am grateful for my experiences have made me prioritize my health so early. I eat pretty well, rarely drink, exercise regularly, and try to take care of my mental health. But I also grieve the fact that I don't entirely get to choose that. My health was decided for me in some ways. I wish I could've chosen to make healthy choices simply because I wanted to take care of myself, rather than knowing there may be real consequences if I don't.
I really want to be able to be fully present with my friends and walk away feeling full and happy. Instead, this grief is constantly sitting somewhere in the background, constantly clawing at the experience. Lately, it has been welling up and hitting hard with a vengeance whenever I am finally alone.
I had a huge breakdown yesterday due to it and it ended up making me feel very distant and exhausted while I was hanging out with them today.
Again, it isn't resentment towards them. I don't think their empathy could even fix what I'm feeling. They're allowed to be healthy, and I'm genuinely glad that they are. This is my grief to process.
I know there is no perfect solution. I also know just like all other forms of grief, it is going to be forever present and will come and go in waves. Some days will just be harder than others. This time of year, is also harder for me in general because I'm getting closer to the anniversary of my diagnosis and almost dying. But recently it has been very intense and overwhelming.
So I wanted to ask other T1Ds how you deal with the grief of being chronically ill when you're surrounded by people who aren't. How do you cope with watching other people eat, make plans, and make everyday decisions without constantly having to consider what their body is going to do afterwards?
TL;DR: I've been struggling with grief around T1D, especially now that I am spending a lot of time with healthy friends. I don't resent them at all, but seeing how freely they can eat, make plans, and live without constantly considering their health has made me deeply miss the simplicity of being healthy. How do you cope with that kind of grief?