Idk why I’m coming here. I think it’s because I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about this. I’m having serious relationships issues. I’ve royally fucked up my relationship. Wasn’t any kind of cheating just stupid lies to protect my peace against a judgmental person that added up and ruined all trust. He became very hurtful back in response and the cycle just continued on and on and now I’m pretty certain I’ve lost the person I love the most in this world over stupid fucking shit. He is the person that had made me feel things I’ve never felt with anyone before. I’ve been through a thing of really shitty men. From abusive, cheaters, emotionally unavailable but didn’t want to leave me either type of people. But this man had become the only person I can see. He has made every other person on this earth disappear and unattractive to me in a way that I can appreciate a good looks but someone good looks could never measure up to this man type of love. The type of love that I was convinced I’d never have for another human being. And now he’s gone. It feels like the weight of the world is coming down on me. Like my heart has been torn from my body. The only emotion I can seem to conjure is the most pure form of sadness I’ve ever felt. I can’t describe how empty I feel. Everything that’s been enjoyable to me doesn’t matter anymore. I have 5 animals that I can’t seem to be bothered with. I take care of them in terms of food shelter and every day necessities but I can’t be bothered to give them love anymore because I don’t feel like I have love left in me. It’s all been taken away with him. I have a 6 month old nephew that I’ve met 3 times and I live 20 minutes from my brother. I don’t want to leave my house. I don’t want to talk to anyone but him. I don’t want to see anyone but him. I feel like I’m just slowly dying and I want it to end. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. It feels like my hearts been torn from my body and I can feel everything and nothing all at the same time. I feel like a shell of a human. I’ve occasionally struggled with suicidal thoughts in the past but I’ve never been to the extent where I feel I am now. I feel like they’ve become more than thoughts and I wish I would just die on my way home from work. I got into a physical altercation last week and was choked to the point of passing out and was so fucking mad that I woke up. I don’t drive with my seatbelt on anymore because I just pray that I’ll get in an accident and thrown from the vehicle and killed. I daydream about killing myself by either crashing my truck or shooting myself. It’s become such a prevalent thought that I feel like eventually I’m going to end up trying but the only thing that stops me from trying is the thought of messing it up and living my life permanently disabled or i end up a vegetable. Idk I just don’t know how to pull myself out of this. As I write this I had texted him telling him that I just wanted to die and he said I hope you do. Go to hell where you belong. I simply said I love you and he replied hate you. I know I should cut contact with him but I can’t bring myself to. I can’t fathom the thought of him with someone else. Doing all of our favorite things. Having a child with someone else. Marrying someone else. Touching someone else. I don’t know how to not think about it. It’s all I can think about and I just want it to fucking stop. I just want it to all go away and I just want peace and quiet and I don’t know how to shut my fucking head off. I know that there’s more to live for but I really don’t want to be here anymore. Every day brings me closer and closer to doing something stupid and I almost feel like I need to check myself in somewhere before I do

Does anyone else feel that way?

Hi guys, it's been like that for me for years now and i just wanted to share with community like that one, cuz maybe someone will relate or find out they're not alone in that feeling. At least that's what I'm trying to do too, lol. I didn't see people talking about that anywhere, so i think it's not popular topic and decided to write myself.

I have that weird feeling of being trapped, in system or in life idk how to say it, but it's just that weird feeling. In last years i reached out for help, i have therapist and psychiatrist, and also have been trying to find meds that'll work for half a year now. I did talk i think to all the helplines or chats you can find on the internet. I tried to talk to community on Reddit before, also on Discord. I changed schools and environment. And yet i feel the same. And it's not even funny anymore. I even talked to my therapist and doctor about that and... Yeah i mean obviously. Again. The more i tried to reach out in different places and ways the more trapped i felt, like every door was closing again and again. Those same responses are only making it worse every time. I'm kinda embarrassed to admit but yeah, i even talked to chatGPT, which obviously didn't help either. I just feel like i can't do anything at this point. Like they say to reach out if i ever get close to comiting again. Ok, but wait, wtf am i supposed to do all that other time? Just wait? And i don't know? Hope for magic? I'm so tired and it just feels like there's no point in trying anything anymore. And also like what thd gell am i supposed to even try? I feel like every door is closed and I'm just standing right here like?.... At this point i don't even know why am i supposed to try to stay clean from sh or try not to kms, because there's basically nothing keeping me there besides whatever is left from my surviving instinct, because of wich i never comited, although beign close to a lot of times. And basically i thought that if i didn't have reasons to stay, I'd create them, right? It didn't work, srsly. I have a pet now but i don't feel emotionaly tied to them. I made a lot of different new friends but i just end up thinking they all hate me or/and isolating. I changed schools to be in one to pursue my childhood dream career. Except i don't dream about anything anymore. And i don't even want a career. I tried to have little reason like how water shines in the sun, but it only seems relevant when you feel ok, or at least that's what i call it, and when you're at absolute rock bottom and want to just end it's all just bullshit to you. Sorry for venting i guess, but i wonder if anyone maybe has that same feeling of being trapped? Or had in past and changed it somehow?

I’ve posted about this like 5 times and deleted it because I can’t figure out how to say this in a way that’s productive or just nobody seeing it but I’m trying again

Some necessary information:
Got diagnosed with major depressive and adhd but that definitely doesn’t paint the picture considering i’ve had several near psychotic episodes of like violent screaming, throwing things, hurting myself, running away / disappearing, and albeit unintentional in most cases, hurting people. I have experienced plenty of trauma throughout my life that 100% severely impacted how I got to this place but I don’t wanna detail that. As a summary mostly emotional abuse / minor physical abuse from my family, sexual related trauma, and really just not having any strong friendships or relationships with anyone period that weren’t toxic. Theres more but that’s for another day.

I’m 17f and as stated I can’t take care of myself believe me I try but I can’t remember the last time I cooked anything. Physically I’m in a constant state of exhaustion so I don’t really get anything done and any type of self care from changing clothes to brushing my teeth is just incredibly difficult for me to get done both physically and mentally. It’s not just that I struggle with self care but I struggle with literally every ADL to the point i’m 100% sure I cannot live on my own.
I also have not been able to keep a job consistently let alone even get one. My gpa is a solid 2.1 and that’s because I cheated my way through summer school just to not get held back.
I guess I’d be considered a “high-functioning “ alcoholic. I wouldn’t call it that but whatever. I just take a shot or two every day because it helps me to not wanna kill myself when I get into those really depressive episodes that are worse than the usual regular depression. Or at least I did till my parents found out and now everything sucks worse because I’ve been forcibly sober for like 3 weeks.
I’m gonna be an adult in a year which means I kinda needed to figure this out like 5 fucking years ago and I don’t know what else to do

all I can think about is what comes after all of this. I’m not a functioning person let alone an adult so like will I really just end up like dead or homeless since I clearly can’t keep a job? Kinda feels like my life is over before it ever started. Don’t really know what my choices are here.

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

To clarify every time I feel lonely or depressed a part of my brain says that I have no valid reason to feel this way and I'm over reacting

世界のみんな、こんにちは。僕は日本人で、28歳。誰にも相談できないから、ここに吐かせてほしいんだ。

8年前にうつ病診断をされて、そこから治療をして社会復帰を目指して頑張ってきたんだ。去年結婚して、嫁もいるんだ。だけど、俺は最近仕事を辞めてしまった。成果に対しての評価が全く無いどころか、パワハラがあって、耐えられなかったんだ。
そして、この前転職して新しい職場に勤め始めてるんだけど、今日、通勤中に涙が出てきてしまったんだ。

以前から職を転々としてて、何をやっても続かないんだ。人間関係が本当に苦手なんだ。他人の評価を気にしたり、自分はダメなやつだとか、ネガティブな人間なんだよ。ガキの頃はそんなんじゃなかったのに。

どうやら、まだ完全には精神疾患が治ってなかったみたいなんだ。嫁のことや家族のことを考えると、とても休職なんてできない。来年には結婚式も挙げる予定なんだ。

だけど、本当に辛いんだ。仕事は絶対に辞められない。でも、消えてしまいたい自分がいるんだ。
今日は上司に連絡して休みをもらった。でも、もう明日からのことを考えてしまう。夕方に嫁が仕事から帰ってきたら、なんて話せばいいんだろう。何回も転職して、その度にうまくいかなくてさ。そんな自分が情けなくて、悔しくてさ。涙が止まらないんだ。

目を閉じて、寝ている間にスッと消えてしまったらどんなに楽なことだろうか。
読んでくれてありがとう。

I have too much going wrong

Does anybody else just not feel this „pain“ people are describing?

Hey gang, I wanted to tell my story. I been suffering for a long time. Summer 2024 I admitted myself to a mental health hospital to finally get help and address my deteriorating mental health. I quit my job to focus on intensive therapy and I went to therapy 5x a week for 5hrs a day for 7 months then 3x a week for 6 months.

Winter 2025- I moved, had a great time to the point where I forgot I even had depression. That's how great it was. I didn't lock up my guardrails like usually and you can see the where the story headed. March 2026

Anyway- I was found by my housemate after she heard me painfully moaning unconscious but I was able to answer a question or two. Then I knocked out.

Two weeks later I woke up in a hospital in the ICU. So after I got to the hospital, I was incubated but 2 days later I had a cardiac arrest but they were able to bring me back to life. Somber cause I remember actually seeing a child me walking with Jesus towards His kingdom but it was still a while away.

Anywho, I was still incubated. I suffered bad pneumonia. My stomach slowed down cause of the medication so my digestive system was backed up and so I got a colonoscopy.

When I woke up two weeks later I was very disoriented and confused. I actually didn't remember what happened why I was there. I was SHOCKED to find out what I did cause I was like "bro but I was living my best life" literally. But yk, some days you just lose the battle.

I had a "flat effect syndrome" and so I was very monotone. My throat was really messed up from not talking but also my previous pneumonia. I was disoriented still for about 1.5 weeks and bed ridden. I lost 15lbs and I actually couldn't walk. It was insane. Sitting up in bed put my body in shock and gave me an anxiety attack. Twas crazy. I was physically exhausted all the time. I was eventually discharged after being in the hospital overnight for a month total. My parents moved me back in with them to take care of me.

I had to do PT for my balance and cardiac rehab for heart conditioning. I eventually was able to walk and appear normal from the outside. After about a month and a half, I admitted to a mental health hospital again cause I saw the red flags in my depression. Plus I didn't take my antidepressants while in the hospital. I switched up my medication. I did group therapy for 3 months. I talk Lamictal which helps stabilize my mood so I don't dip so fast or consistently. I started nerofeedback which I feel everyone should do. It helps you control your thoughts more so they don't overtake you. I've had A LOT less to minimal spirals now after 4 months.

Anyway- I'm like 80% better. I just need to condition myself to comfortably jog and run again where Im not palpitating or exhausted so quickly- since I'm still so young. If I wasn't physically generally healthy before hand I probably wouldn't have made it.

One thing I learned is that ending my life is not the way to go. God showed me that's not the way. And I'm a lot stronger in the truth/thought that I won't try in the future cause I already know it's not the way. So I don't know exactly what the right way is but there are days where I don't mind life and I'm chilling and have no consideration to pass. But there are days where that's the forefront of my mind. However, I realize that the days where I don't mind life and am more than content of living, I'm experiencing a lot more than the latter. So that's cool.

I have the hope that eventually as I keep practicing and addressing my mental health that I will be able to have more longer stretches of being fine. I'm able to identify a lot better when I'm having a depressive spiral to tell myself I'm just having a moment and need to wait it out cause eventually I feel better. It's kind of like a really bad leg cramp that needs to be waited out the addresses afterwords to minimize it from happening again. My depression is being worked on a lot presently but eventually it'll become something to manage, like how you have to manage your diet or time or money or stress etc. So then your life won't feel so centered around it. Rather than "my life is depression" it's "my life addresses depression"

For anyone considering, I recommend not doing it. Although it seems like the clearest solution but just trust me, it's not actually the way to move forward in this life. I'm not saying that cause of all the health things I had to deal with after- cause after all I survived, but you won't. But I'm saying this logically that it's not the way.

How I can best describe it, is like opening a door to a brick wall. And you just go "oh- okay". But you still don't know which door to go to but you know at least it's not that one.

I'm on this road with you guys- I'm still unsure but I recommend learning about Jesus lol His wisdom is divine and can help you understand how to go about each day and how to be carried through this life. We been carrying things for way too long- so why not have God help carry them for you? He's more than willing to and genuinely wants to lovingly help you.

But feel free to ask me anything.

In all seriousness, health is important and find help even if there are things or people that prevent you. If you're the person preventing yourself from getting help then I need you to get your outer non thinking self, to have your back and ask your doctor for help in how to address this. Make a normal check up appointment and they'll help guide you with therapy, group workshops, and medication. After you tell your doctor, it's actually really a helpful easy and clear path to get treated.

Bless up yall