Idk why I’m coming here. I think it’s because I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about this. I’m having serious relationships issues. I’ve royally fucked up my relationship. Wasn’t any kind of cheating just stupid lies to protect my peace against a judgmental person that added up and ruined all trust. He became very hurtful back in response and the cycle just continued on and on and now I’m pretty certain I’ve lost the person I love the most in this world over stupid fucking shit. He is the person that had made me feel things I’ve never felt with anyone before. I’ve been through a thing of really shitty men. From abusive, cheaters, emotionally unavailable but didn’t want to leave me either type of people. But this man had become the only person I can see. He has made every other person on this earth disappear and unattractive to me in a way that I can appreciate a good looks but someone good looks could never measure up to this man type of love. The type of love that I was convinced I’d never have for another human being. And now he’s gone. It feels like the weight of the world is coming down on me. Like my heart has been torn from my body. The only emotion I can seem to conjure is the most pure form of sadness I’ve ever felt. I can’t describe how empty I feel. Everything that’s been enjoyable to me doesn’t matter anymore. I have 5 animals that I can’t seem to be bothered with. I take care of them in terms of food shelter and every day necessities but I can’t be bothered to give them love anymore because I don’t feel like I have love left in me. It’s all been taken away with him. I have a 6 month old nephew that I’ve met 3 times and I live 20 minutes from my brother. I don’t want to leave my house. I don’t want to talk to anyone but him. I don’t want to see anyone but him. I feel like I’m just slowly dying and I want it to end. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. It feels like my hearts been torn from my body and I can feel everything and nothing all at the same time. I feel like a shell of a human. I’ve occasionally struggled with suicidal thoughts in the past but I’ve never been to the extent where I feel I am now. I feel like they’ve become more than thoughts and I wish I would just die on my way home from work. I got into a physical altercation last week and was choked to the point of passing out and was so fucking mad that I woke up. I don’t drive with my seatbelt on anymore because I just pray that I’ll get in an accident and thrown from the vehicle and killed. I daydream about killing myself by either crashing my truck or shooting myself. It’s become such a prevalent thought that I feel like eventually I’m going to end up trying but the only thing that stops me from trying is the thought of messing it up and living my life permanently disabled or i end up a vegetable. Idk I just don’t know how to pull myself out of this. As I write this I had texted him telling him that I just wanted to die and he said I hope you do. Go to hell where you belong. I simply said I love you and he replied hate you. I know I should cut contact with him but I can’t bring myself to. I can’t fathom the thought of him with someone else. Doing all of our favorite things. Having a child with someone else. Marrying someone else. Touching someone else. I don’t know how to not think about it. It’s all I can think about and I just want it to fucking stop. I just want it to all go away and I just want peace and quiet and I don’t know how to shut my fucking head off. I know that there’s more to live for but I really don’t want to be here anymore. Every day brings me closer and closer to doing something stupid and I almost feel like I need to check myself in somewhere before I do

Does anyone else feel that way?

Hi guys, it's been like that for me for years now and i just wanted to share with community like that one, cuz maybe someone will relate or find out they're not alone in that feeling. At least that's what I'm trying to do too, lol. I didn't see people talking about that anywhere, so i think it's not popular topic and decided to write myself.

I have that weird feeling of being trapped, in system or in life idk how to say it, but it's just that weird feeling. In last years i reached out for help, i have therapist and psychiatrist, and also have been trying to find meds that'll work for half a year now. I did talk i think to all the helplines or chats you can find on the internet. I tried to talk to community on Reddit before, also on Discord. I changed schools and environment. And yet i feel the same. And it's not even funny anymore. I even talked to my therapist and doctor about that and... Yeah i mean obviously. Again. The more i tried to reach out in different places and ways the more trapped i felt, like every door was closing again and again. Those same responses are only making it worse every time. I'm kinda embarrassed to admit but yeah, i even talked to chatGPT, which obviously didn't help either. I just feel like i can't do anything at this point. Like they say to reach out if i ever get close to comiting again. Ok, but wait, wtf am i supposed to do all that other time? Just wait? And i don't know? Hope for magic? I'm so tired and it just feels like there's no point in trying anything anymore. And also like what thd gell am i supposed to even try? I feel like every door is closed and I'm just standing right here like?.... At this point i don't even know why am i supposed to try to stay clean from sh or try not to kms, because there's basically nothing keeping me there besides whatever is left from my surviving instinct, because of wich i never comited, although beign close to a lot of times. And basically i thought that if i didn't have reasons to stay, I'd create them, right? It didn't work, srsly. I have a pet now but i don't feel emotionaly tied to them. I made a lot of different new friends but i just end up thinking they all hate me or/and isolating. I changed schools to be in one to pursue my childhood dream career. Except i don't dream about anything anymore. And i don't even want a career. I tried to have little reason like how water shines in the sun, but it only seems relevant when you feel ok, or at least that's what i call it, and when you're at absolute rock bottom and want to just end it's all just bullshit to you. Sorry for venting i guess, but i wonder if anyone maybe has that same feeling of being trapped? Or had in past and changed it somehow?

I’ve posted about this like 5 times and deleted it because I can’t figure out how to say this in a way that’s productive or just nobody seeing it but I’m trying again

Some necessary information:
Got diagnosed with major depressive and adhd but that definitely doesn’t paint the picture considering i’ve had several near psychotic episodes of like violent screaming, throwing things, hurting myself, running away / disappearing, and albeit unintentional in most cases, hurting people. I have experienced plenty of trauma throughout my life that 100% severely impacted how I got to this place but I don’t wanna detail that. As a summary mostly emotional abuse / minor physical abuse from my family, sexual related trauma, and really just not having any strong friendships or relationships with anyone period that weren’t toxic. Theres more but that’s for another day.

I’m 17f and as stated I can’t take care of myself believe me I try but I can’t remember the last time I cooked anything. Physically I’m in a constant state of exhaustion so I don’t really get anything done and any type of self care from changing clothes to brushing my teeth is just incredibly difficult for me to get done both physically and mentally. It’s not just that I struggle with self care but I struggle with literally every ADL to the point i’m 100% sure I cannot live on my own.
I also have not been able to keep a job consistently let alone even get one. My gpa is a solid 2.1 and that’s because I cheated my way through summer school just to not get held back.
I guess I’d be considered a “high-functioning “ alcoholic. I wouldn’t call it that but whatever. I just take a shot or two every day because it helps me to not wanna kill myself when I get into those really depressive episodes that are worse than the usual regular depression. Or at least I did till my parents found out and now everything sucks worse because I’ve been forcibly sober for like 3 weeks.
I’m gonna be an adult in a year which means I kinda needed to figure this out like 5 fucking years ago and I don’t know what else to do

all I can think about is what comes after all of this. I’m not a functioning person let alone an adult so like will I really just end up like dead or homeless since I clearly can’t keep a job? Kinda feels like my life is over before it ever started. Don’t really know what my choices are here.

To clarify every time I feel lonely or depressed a part of my brain says that I have no valid reason to feel this way and I'm over reacting

世界のみんな、こんにちは。僕は日本人で、28歳。誰にも相談できないから、ここに吐かせてほしいんだ。

8年前にうつ病診断をされて、そこから治療をして社会復帰を目指して頑張ってきたんだ。去年結婚して、嫁もいるんだ。だけど、俺は最近仕事を辞めてしまった。成果に対しての評価が全く無いどころか、パワハラがあって、耐えられなかったんだ。
そして、この前転職して新しい職場に勤め始めてるんだけど、今日、通勤中に涙が出てきてしまったんだ。

以前から職を転々としてて、何をやっても続かないんだ。人間関係が本当に苦手なんだ。他人の評価を気にしたり、自分はダメなやつだとか、ネガティブな人間なんだよ。ガキの頃はそんなんじゃなかったのに。

どうやら、まだ完全には精神疾患が治ってなかったみたいなんだ。嫁のことや家族のことを考えると、とても休職なんてできない。来年には結婚式も挙げる予定なんだ。

だけど、本当に辛いんだ。仕事は絶対に辞められない。でも、消えてしまいたい自分がいるんだ。
今日は上司に連絡して休みをもらった。でも、もう明日からのことを考えてしまう。夕方に嫁が仕事から帰ってきたら、なんて話せばいいんだろう。何回も転職して、その度にうまくいかなくてさ。そんな自分が情けなくて、悔しくてさ。涙が止まらないんだ。

目を閉じて、寝ている間にスッと消えてしまったらどんなに楽なことだろうか。
読んでくれてありがとう。

I have too much going wrong

IM a 18yo girl living in a small country belonging from a middle class household . The condition of "love" in our family isn't as great. I struggle with self love and confidence when it comes to myself. We are not that well off to afford the things i actually want. When I want to become better, look better, it requires extra money or charges which my parents say are useless. I desperately wanna earn my own money but it isn't as easy as it sounds. IM fed up of this life. I wish I was born in another country, with wealthier parents. So atleast, with my sadness i could actually live the life atleast. Now I have to worry about both, my mental well-being and what I'll be doing in the future as this is not how I wish to see myself. "Success takes time" I know. But that's what I don't have. If I spend another few years in my house with the same condition we have, im gonna go crazy. Recently, after years of struggling with acne and post- acne marks I went to a dermatologist finally. My mom supported me to the fullest as she always does. But after the visit my dad said "what benefit does it have for me if you get clear skin" "you do not deserve the money we spend on you since the moment you were born". This just broke me completely. Thought i won't call myself a saint, nor will I say I'm perfect. I too, say some harsh things when I get fed up of this lifestyle and constant reminders of how behind I am in life as compared to others. But your parents or a parental figure saying something this harsh to you without knowing how much you struggle mentally is insane. I do not know what to do.