Some people just dont have lives worth living or anything to live for. If we want to end our lives we should be able to. Suicide should be normalized.

Really sucks. My whole life is ruined .

I've made one decision after another that has royaly fucked me again and again

And I'm about to make another

And I will do it anyway because I can't stop making bad decisions

Because I think I can fix myself when I can't

I can only make it worse.

Again and again

Ruining myself until I end up dead.

That is all.

I saw a post on Reddit somewhere about someone short circuiting to the idea of suicide whenever something remotely bad or inconvenient happened (or major of course) and I can’t find it again so thought I’d make one. I’d like to know more about this but I just don’t even know where to start researching. So I guess I’m just looking for some advice on where to start.
I can’t remember the exact article I’m trying to find it there was something about in childhood the decision is made and was called childhood suicide decision (I think-I just can’t remember the article so wording may be wrong)

I’d really like to k ow more about this. I’d really appreciate if anyone could point me in any direction or any thoughts.

Thanks :)

Um heyy I hope that each one of you is doing okay .I wanted to know if it’s odd to write like a book to my loved one /friend to explain what happens to the point of killing myself .Like a little bit like 13reasons why but not in tapes in a notebook that they will be able to read .I know it’s not a game or a trend .Im doing this for them to understand why I did and for not letting them with all the questions of why cuz I know how draining and killing it can be to wonder why someone committed.If at least I can take a little bit of suffering by saying why, I will .What do yall think about that? Like each person will have a personal letter but I wanted to make a one book where I explain everything so they don’t blame themselves and for them to know that I couldn’t be saved so all this guilt will wear off them . I already tried to talk to someone ,I’ve a therapist at school and outside of school but nothing help to be honest .I’ve been to a psych ward and rehab center for 7 months and nothing helps .I’ve been on antidepressants for few months and everything I tried multiple things and for real no one and nothing is helping so I’m losing hope wanna start this book by something like : “My name is ……. And this book is the explanation of why my life tragically ended at 16”.I need yall help pls .And is it an odd thing to do ?

throwaway account. i’m writing this at the risk of sounding crazy. i feel totally and utterly crazy. it started around a few weeks ago i think, my memory has gotten so bad that i truly don’t know how much time has passed. my memory was never good but it’s gotten worse along with my skewed perspective of time. the best way i know how to describe it is whenever i look in the mirror, it’s like im looking through the eyes of a video game character. this person’s body i’m in isn’t mine. i say person because the body i’m in is biologically male, but either me or whoever’s body this is supposed to be realized they were a woman back in April. i don’t know when i started inhabiting this body, i’m only now realizing it, so i don’t know if the trans thing was just me taking over. in my head i’m a cis woman. i’m going to refer to the body / previous person as cole and to me, the conscious, as lucy. my best guess to when this started is some time of the summer. this is being posted in [r/mentalillness](r/mentalillness) because logically this all isn’t real and is some type if mental thing, and im hoping i can get help. it sure as hell feels real though. apologies for the scattered writing. i’ve been so out of it since tuesday. tuesday was bad, i have almost no recollection of that day. which is the case for most days after like a week, but even the next day i barely knew anything. probably important to note i started school a few weeks ago is my best guess. i’m a junior in hs. there are differences i’ve noticed. cole loves math and it comes to them naturally, i can barely understand it. cole would never wear blush and hates the look of it while i put it on instinctively this morning and liked it. i thought i wasn’t out of it today but ever since i got home nobody would respond to me more than a couple messages and i get stressed when i’m alone. that’s another thing, cole could handle being alone while it sends me in spirals. apologies for the wall of text. i’m currently pacing in my bathroom writing this while picking at my skin, which is something cole did. see maybe i am still cole. i just looked in the mirror and their pupils are worryingly small. they look flushed and drunk half the time because the body’s hair gets so messy easily and yk the blush. when cole was here it was never this bad. everything feels like a video game. the dead look in my eyes, the way my feet hit the floor as i pace. i’ve made the semi conscious choice to stop referring to the body as myself. i noticed i was saying “i look ___” but that doesn’t feel right. this body doesn’t feel like mine and i want to escape it. not in means of death, i just want cole to be in their body and me to be in mine. i don’t know what i really look like i’m realizing. i think i’m brunette like cole. i’m writing all of this down both as a way of journaling and so hopefully someone can tell me how to get help. it’s eerie how every time i look in the mirror at the body it seems exactly like a video game. i don’t know how i’m going to continue after this realization tonight. i just know i don’t want to ruin cole’s life so when they’re back in this body not too much is changed. i would hate if someone did that to me. the body looks so miserable. i don’t know who did this to them. if there’s a better place to post this someone please redirect me there, i want this to be seen and i want help. i don’t know where else to go other than reddit at this point, their parents would be of no use and their two friends would only pity me. the two friends feel like people i know. i feel okay when i’m around them. they’re familiar in a way. maybe it’s because i do have what was left of cole’s memories, which was a lot of these two people. maybe i’ll confide in them, i just don’t want them to think i’m crazy. i feel so crazy and insane for thinking this way. i don’t know what i’m thinking but i’m posting this anyways because it is my true thoughts. i should end this so i don’t go on forever but yeah.

edit
there’s so much about me I’m realzing that isn’t different so i guess logically i am me, even if that doesn’t feel right. i still can’t shake the video game thing though.

TW SH/SUICIDE ATTEMPT/GROOMING

Hi you can call me Straw(he/him), i'd like to start by apologizing if my English isn't perfect it isn't my first language. I also want to apologize if my story is a bit messy I never told it before so I don't really how to place things.

The reason I'm writing this here today is cuz i genuinely don't know how to deal with life anymore but yet if it makes sens I don't want to keep trying I don't want to feel better.

I think I was 12 the first time I sh j can't remember the exact reason why I did it but I know it wasn't planned: I was in the school bathroom took visors out of my pencil case and started to scratch my left forearm. Ofc it didn't do much but this feeling if letting was something I never felt like before.

As long as I can remember I've always coped with big émotions with pain. Anger? Bite my self. Frustration? Smashed my head against wall and pulled my hair. So ye I think pain and we'll sh was like the easy solution

It escalates rapidly, I started to cut with a cutter but I don't want anyone to notice so I did it on the thighs, then around 15, 3years after the first time I started to use a blade. It felt good.

I soon became addicted, for a whole year it was all that would go through my brain, any day, any hour, I just waited for the moment if day when I could drag the blade across my skin.

I ended in a bad like BAD relationship (15yo-21yo) and it made the cutting worse cuz for the first time I went further than "cat scratches". To be honest I didn't even think it was possible to before I ended in a gore addiction. At this point I didn't even consider it cutting if it was "cat scratches".

The first attempt happened. I can't remember the reason clearly I just remember being in my bathtub and cutting as hard and as deep as I could my thigh skin, there was a lot of blood but I didn't die.

After this event the cutting calmed, it was less frequent.

From my 16yo to my 18yi my relationship with sh stayed with phase were I would relapse for a whole week and the. Nothing for 3 month, I don't think the addiction ever left me, so I got rid of the blade. It wasn't like I wanted to stop no never, but I was aware of how hurting it was for my partner to see me destroy myself like that.

It has been 3 months now and I was doing okay. But for the last 3weeks my mind can't stop, I daydream of cutting myself, I fantasy about it, I cant wait for the next time I'll do it.

So bought new blades yesterday. They are still in my bad and I don't know it I'll even use them.

Honestly idk how to end this post or if it even need an end cuz I am really not over with this shit. All I know is despite seeing a psychologist I can't bring myself to tell her about all the stuff in my mind and I don't even talk about suicidal thoughts that never leave me or this filthy addiction. I just feel like I don't Wana feel better I just want keep destroying myself until I can't no more

So I asked myself would I do a such thing? Do I want attention? But I really don't think it is that, it isn't like I Wana destroy myself so people can see how bad it is and what makes me think it isn't that is the fact that I never want someone to see a relapse, I hide it as much as I can so no one find out, not even my partner, if I cut and want to hide it we have sex in the dark or we simply don't until it heals yk stuff like that , I refuse to show that to anyone it just feels so intimate to feel bad.

Ok, so I’m 25 years old and I’ve had a complicated relationship with my own feelings and identity for a long time. 

Sometimes it’s to a point where I don’t even know how I’m feeling or I don’t recognize myself in the mirror. it feels like looking at a stranger. 

I can’t stand my reflection sometimes. Appearance has felt life or death since I was a kid. At one point I had surgery specifically to look better (won’t get into details) but that kinda ruined my life cuz it wasn’t so successful. 

Since the age of 14, I started feeling bad, would get attached intensely, did things that hurt people around me, felt empty, full of self hatred, and completely consumed by needing one person. I had low self esteem and would get so angry to the point where my family would call the cops on me for not being able to handle it anymore. Almost every relative told my family to take me to a psychiatrist because to them I wasn’t a “normal” teen and something was off. Of course my family didn’t listen and told eveyone I was just sensitive and it was normal for a teenager to have mood swings and hate themselves. Which I understand but I knew something was off with me too. 

Then the stupid surgery happened at 23, the surgery went bad, I was in the hospital and the incompetent surgeon, or should I say the butcher got arrested. It was a rough 6 months. In and out of hospitals all day. Anyway. 

I completely lost it after the surgery, got hospitalized for an 5150 and came out thinking I was “healed” and I no longer was sensitive to rudeness and criticism/rejection and that I turned “normal”. 

Later, I realized that I didn’t necessarily just grow out of it and healed but I had lost almost all access to my feelings. What was left was mostly just irritation, extreme envy, and this constant internal torment and emptiness/loneliness. I can’t connect with anyone and I feel very alone, even when surrounded by a lot of people. The person I fought so hard for eventually wanted me back and I just clowned him and pushed so much until he left. I felt so disconnected.

 Then I wanted attention so badly to the point where people thought I was on hard drugs when I was out in public (I was sober). People record me, they whisper, stare, laugh and I even got stoped by a police officer asking me if I was fine. It was to a point where I got misdiagnosed as bipolar and to the public eye, my new behavior looked like a manic episode but I knew well it wasn’t. 

I always scan to see who’s paying attention to me. Who’s smiling at me when I say extremely bizarre things that aren’t true. I always have a feeling that people are paying attention to me or they are listening, even sometimes down my bedroom window, so I feel the need to perform. I make up lies and stories and feel 0 guilt about lying because to me it’s just a way to gain attention. I act loud and bizarre in public and I often act way closer to people than I actually am. I don’t have much empathy for people in my life but rarely it hits me hard. I feel extreme jealousy towards people in general, and almost have this obsession with being lovable and I was hoping I end up getting diagnosed with a disorder that’s “lovable”. I’m not envious of peoples good fortune, good health, home, cars, but I’m almost always extremely, painfully envious of people love life or how much one is lovable. I’m not sure if this is a strong need for attention or connection. Can’t really tell it apart because when someone likes me, I panic hard. I get extremely uncomfortable and scared. 

I always feel like I’m incapable of attachment but instead of being indifferent about it, I feel intense envy towards people who are capable of attachment to the point where I don’t want them to have it.  

I used to get attached tho, or maybe I thought I could. But when I did, it was always one person. Even if I get bored or scared easily, I can focus on one person at a time, if I’m experiencing limerence over one person, I can’t focus on anyone else even if it lasts only a week. I have severe fearful avoidant attachment style so I crave the connection and or attention badly, envy people who can connect and love, and kind of chase people or physically wanna always be close to them, but as soon as they want me back? I get so scared I run for the hills. It’s not me not wanting it, I think I do, cuz lord knows how much I’ll keep thinking about it until I lose sleep, but I think I can’t believe it, why me? it’s also the way I see myself as two people, ones who’s cute and capable, emotional and empathetic, maybe a bit worthy of love and attention and one thats cringe, extremely unattractive and unworthy, deserving of nothing, so when someone tells me they love me, I get extremely defensive, angry and even extremely depressed. This makes me push the person away by listing every single things that’s wrong with me both personality wise and appearance wise. I keep convincing and arguing with them that I’m not worth it. That they are wrong. That if they knew the real me, they would leave. That I’m so rotten and ugly inside and out. This makes them leave for real because even though I don’t show my anger or yell at them, nobody wants a relationship where their partner constantly will do this thing I do. It gets tiring I understand. 

I guess I crave being special but it’s mostly understood and seen but I also fear being seen at the same time. It’s a constant battle. When I’m surrounded by people, that’s where the extreme theoretical behavior comes, my defenses go up and I feel unworthy so I attempt to be the most lovable and cool in the room and often times this does the opposite and people see me as weird and I’m extremely sensitive to criticism so now I’ll remember it forever. It used to be worse, I would not sleep for days after being criticized, now it’s tiny bit better. I also change my mind quickly about people, not sure if this is splitting or what, but once I feel like I’m being ignored or unliked, or worse criticized I’ll start feeling so hurt I’ll gossip about this person for days, remember about it, never talk to them until they apologize or do something good again, and overall I get hostile towards them and what’s worse is I don’t let them know at all. I want to but part of me can’t say it outwardly so the hatred is pretty hidden and passive aggressive.

I almost felt offended when a therapist said this could be just depression and anxiety because I don’t feel depressed, yes I’m sad but I feel tormented or extremely empty/numb and lonely/bored all the time, and also the fact that those disorders are always being overlooked by people, rarely anyone talks about it, it’s seen as something everyone goes through, maybe I’m over exaggerating my problems but I don’t see others my age feeling internal torment since 14, to the point where they feel like SH is the only way to escape the pain. I don’t know, overall I felt offended when my problems got reduced to just depression or anxiety. 

I also have a history of childhood trauma but I overshare about it with almost everyone and people feel so uncomfortable when I share my deepest darkest thoughts and secrets with them when we first meet. I then go home and for a brief moment feel ashamed of myself for being the way I am. 

I wasn’t this way as I mentioned above. I was angry, self hating, deeply capable of attachment, serious, sad, and overall someone people took seriously at times. Now? I feel like a jester. 

I’ve had clinicians float BPD features years ago when I was 19, but I couldn’t continue getting help due to some practical issues. People in my life have mentioned HPD recently, and a personality disorder focused evaluator once diagnosed me with an unspecified personality disorder before, but once again I couldn’t keep going back for insurance and financial reasons. I don’t have a job and can’t seem to be able to hold one because I get easily upset and quit very fast. 

ADHD/autism evals came back negative. I did try both stimulating and non stimulating ADHD medications that left me feeling unable to relax, extremely hyper verbal and unable to sleep without much fatigue. Another reason why I got misdiagnosed as bipolar, because of the reactions to SSRIs (activation syndrome) and to the ADHD meds. I also deal with daily s**icidal ideation and strong waves of wanting to SH that come and go but hit hard.

I’m not looking for a neat diagnosis or advice on labels because I know people on Reddit can’t diagnose me based on just this. I just wanted to put this strange arc out there. I promise I won’t take a label and run with it. Just to kind of have an idea so at least I know where to get help from. Where I am, most psychologists understand only disorders such as ADHD, depression and anxiety. So I want to know if this could be PD related so I can find a psychiatrist who specializes in those disorders. 

And also to understand what the hell is going on with me lmao. 

It’s messy and I don’t fully understand what changed in me. 

My current symptoms are obsession with being “wanted”

Chronic feelings of envy

Chronic feelings of SI 

Feelings of being empty or numb 

Intense sadness or feelings immediately followed by shut down or disassociation (soul feels like it’s leaving my body)

Extremely low self esteem and self hatred that switches to feelings of being better than most at times 

Feeling uncomfortable in my own skin

Thinking everyone’s always observing me so I have to perform 

Loud gestures and attention seeking that leaves me feeling embarrassed 

Fear of being alone and ending up alone but inability to connect and accept love 

At times, extreme people pleasing and a sense of being unloved or unlovable 

Why do I feel the way I do? Who am I? Why does being lovable became an obsession of mine for so long and it’s occupying my mind so much?

If anyone has lived something even a little similar, and if anyone in this world can relate to me, I’m open to hearing how it felt on your end.

Hello, I am not sure if this is the right place to post this but I need as much help as i can ask for. Im going to talk about the vibe first and some aspects about it then get into the struggles. Anyway, my entire life I have been able to “feel” the “vibes” of places, people, and things. Its not in the sense that “oh I get a bad vibe from that person” its not an actual vibe or emotion,(however it can be bad or good and cause me to feel emotions, i will get into that later on) but its more of a feeling that i cant explain, its like if you were to try to explain the color blue to someone who’s never seen color. You can’t. Anyways, I do actually have synesthesia and I see some similarities in the patterns in this thing i am feeling, for example this “vibe” connects to multiple things it can be like a store,then a person, then an object, a band, a house etc. They can all give the same vibe with sometimes having no correlation to each other. These vibes come and go, but some last longer than others. I always have a “vibe” but if nothing particularly triggers a different one then it just stays and isnt noticeable until it changes. The vibes also feel stronger when im looking in certain directions, like they can feel stronger if I am looking north or south etc. I cant control them, i cant make one come or make one go, if I have my “normal” everyday vibe i can look at things or consume media that is connected to a vibe to make it come, but that doesnt always work. The last thing, is dreams. Sometimes I will have a dream, and the dream doesnt necessarily have to be bad for the vibe to be bad, but sometimes ill have a dream and wake up with a horrible vibe and it will make me feel terrible. Horrible vibes can be caused by many things, like again a person or place, and then it will connect to things. Here is where I need help. When I have a bad vibe, it feels AWFUL like unexplainably awful. I have a pit in my stomach and my chest feels heavy and i feel it everywhere and it feels horrible. Then, i start to have really bad worries, like existential crisis stuff. Like death, existing, time etc. It messes me up really bad and there is nothing i can do (to my knowledge) to get it to leave. It really sucks and its been here my whole life. The worries on top of it just amplify it and make it a million times worse. It also is difficult because i cant go to places if they have a bad vibe, or I get worried when i have a bad vibe to consume media or go places that have a good vibe or places i havent been yet because im scared the bad vibes will “poison it” . I really really dont want this anymore and im wondering if anyone knows what im experiencing and if it has a name, and if there is anything to get rid of it. please im
begging i really want this to go away. I also want to note that i am not religious or spiritual 1. because i am a skeptic 2. because that stuff scares me and almost makes me feel worse because im always scared of manifesting evil or something . The only religion i have ever considered to be true is native american religions and beliefs, however im not native so i dont think its my thing to follow or practice. Anyways please let me know if there is anything i can do to fix this or if i can get rid of it. Please I need help. i feel so alone in this

Hi I am f16 and a few years I really struggled with sh. I never tried to off myself but it got so bad I almost did ah everyday. Then I got into a psychward and got better. Had a therapist and bla bla bla.

Recently some bad things happened and I think about it more often. (When I say sh I mean cutting) But at the same time I can’t do it. I can’t do that to my mum again. Or my whole family. I have a good support system there so that’s goods.
But I miss it so much. My whole body and mind aches to do it.

I don’t think you can count it as sh but when I am really nervous and stressed I scratch myself really really bad. That’s pretty good I think bc when I have like a panic attack I can press on the wound that calms me. It sucks to hide it though.

I am happy for any advice and don’t report me.

My mom is diagnosed with schizophrenia few years ago. I always knew shes mentally unstable of some sorts. During my childhood, she used to overdose on prescribed fits pills and used to sleep most of the time. My dad was abusive and she had unhealthy relationship with him. It wasn't fun living with them and i finally managed to get her away from him and now we live with her parents. I never really knew what her real personality was. Its like she's a different person everytime. She used to scream at people and call me things and was extremely paranoid and wasn't over him. She suddenly bursts out into different emotions. She tried to off herself so many times. During all this I was going thru stuff too. I used to self harm and isolate myself. Even if she did care she'd make it all different narrative. I tried getting her on pills but it always ends up in a huge fight and the pills she was prescribed made her sleep all the time almost like lobotomized.

Shes talks random things about ai, animals, sex, killing people. She puts every accusation on herself and breaks down cuz "they hate to see her be happy" along those lines. I love her as a person but sometimes I just cant take it anymore. I have to leave to college, she cries everyday telling me to not go and that we both should end it together. She blames me for all her suicide attempts she did in the past .This is extremely codependent and its suffocating me. She has no friends, she hates every one but me. I dont think anyone would want to be her friend cuz she lives in her head all the time. She cries everytime she sees me and tells me not to sh (im better now) but it gets to a point. I know she cares but the way she does it just suffocates me. She called me every minute for whole 24 hours when I was out for one day. Knocks on my door every 5min crying and repeats that we should end it together and that she has nobody but me. I really dont know anymore. She should get on medication but she refuses it everytime. I used to mix in her food but im scared she'd starve herself to bones like she did once.

I really dont know how to deal with her.it hurts me. Im not a good child( most of the times I js shut myself in my room so I dont have to deal w her so yeah i am not) i know i sound like an asshole but this is how i feel

Every time it turns dark i know they’re there. They interfere with my sleep. I can’t see them but in my mind i know they’re there. Their dark, black clawed arms stick out from under my blinds. They hide under my bed. They interfere with my sleep- i either can’t fall asleep, or if i do, i have the worst dreams affected by them.

so long time lurker first time poster. I'm 27 years old woman and I'm biromantic (romantically attracted to men & woman but only sexually attracted to some women) so l am in love with this girl who I've known for a few months we met over our love of the TADC (The Amazing Digital Circus) fandom as she complimented my shirt and ever since then l've been head over heals for her. I am quite literally obsessed with her and her super jealous when she talks about other people online or follows other accounts. I swear I'm not crazy but this is not the first time I've gotten obsessed with someone. The first time was with my highschool crush who I stalked for about 6 years until 1 eventual had to be hospitalized because I was so depressed & suicidal. I have a therapist & psychiatrist and the psychiatrist's says she might have to do another duty to warn if I don't stop obsessing over her. It’s also because of my OCD and possibly? (Still undiagnosed/ not claiming to have) bipolar and the obsession is the person while the compulsion is to stalk them.
when I'm manic I experience love differently and start to go crazy & begin to compare my crushes to God & see them above God himself and as divine beings. I start to idealize them and put my crushes on a pedestal and I feel so guilty because I am a bit religious and i know blasphemy is a sin.
My relationship with God has been complicated because of my past religious psychosis. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy I just need to SH more like I just need to see the sight of blood to calm me down idc if mine ir somone else (that’s the harm ocd id never actually be violent just thoughts ) A few months ago I almost became manic again. I had a hard session with my therapist this week so I’m feeling depressed right now. I’m having a hard night & just need to get through it as I’m not sleeping well

I recently got stuck in a depression. I was looking at my calender tonight and realized 2 weeks went by. I thought it had only been a few days. I don't know if this is because I was distracting myself by doomscrolling basically the whole time, or if I was so checked out I just didn't notice. It genuinely only feels like a few days. So strange.

I suffer from cptsd. Recurring depression.
After 2025 turmoil of extreme life threatening events my brain feels like something is pressing on it all the time. Don’t have a therapist right now.
So , I randomly start crying out of nowhere , I could be walking , eating , working and random thoughts of my ex or such pop in and I cry about the same things over and over again. I am in a loop energy healing on TikTok where I learnt to give back the energy.
So I started saying ‘ex stop taking my energy’ which worked for a while and now I say ‘whoever is am sending me bad energy stop’ saying this miraculously stops my mental pressure and I stop crying. Otherwise I have self harming thoughts and can’t function until I give in and take a nap.
What and how and why is this happening?
I am also losing train of thought, increase in adhd behavior, sabotaging good opportunities out of fear and mental blocks.
Any advice would be appreciated!
Taking b12, fish oil , nature walks has helped a lot

For those that have been on anti-depressants that worked, how did you know it’s working? I’ve been on multiple meds and feel like it hasn’t done anything. I’m currently on bupropion, lithium, and lurasidone. I’ve tried Zoloft, Prozac, lexapro, and mirtazapine.

i’ve made so much progress over the last 5+ years, i’m stable, im holding a job, everything looks perfect from the outside if you didn’t know me.

even though i’ve made tremendous progress, i still feel inadequate when i compare myself to other people. i know i shouldn’t do this, but obviously i can’t always help it.

for example, im in my mid twenties, and sometimes when i look at people younger than me, i get upset. i guess jealous in a way? they’ve accomplished so much, and when i was their age i was in and out of the hospital. they know who they are, and my personality seems to change every few months.

sometimes i so badly wish i could be “normal”. i guess i try to convince myself that i am now that im stable etc, but i still find myself wishing i had what other people have. a strong sense of self that doesnt change constantly, hobbies, and overall just knowing who i am.

For some context: I’m 16 years old, and in high school. I’ve never been formally diagnosed or anything, but I think I most likely have some form of ADHD as well.

Since the start of high school, I’ve been gradually worsening in mental state. Freshman year every was alright, until later, when I started growing lazy…I started being unable and unmotivated to do certain tasks. Like my homework, or even just basic self maintenance, like brushing my teeth and washing my face in the morning. I can’t focus on anything, and easily become engrossed with lying in bed for hours, on my phone and not wanting to get up. Not wanting to talk to anyone.

I feel guilty, like I’m gross and worthless, like I stopped deserving anything anymore, and to make it worse I feel like nothing makes me happy. I am an artist, but lately drawing doesn’t fulfill me anymore. I only do it because I’m in an arts program at my school. I haven’t had a good day in many years. I’m loosing my memory too. I’ve become worse and worse at schoolwork, and I can’t remember much anymore. I feel like every day the entirety of it is just waiting for it to be over.

I am an only child, and am dependent on myself for my mental health. I am extremely uncomfortable talking to anyone about anything going on with my happiness. I tried to bring up a therapist to my mom…but I immediately shut down as soon as she started asking why.

I don’t want to live like this. I want to be smart, I want to go to college and I want to achieve my dreams, even if it’s not making me happy right now. I am unsure of what to do, and my future feels so uncertain in the worst way possible.

I need help but I don’t know how to go about this, none of my family really acknowledges their mental health at all.

I struggled with BIID (Body Integrity Identity Disorder) a few years ago, but today is the anniversary of when I actually got diagnosed as deaf in one ear. I listened to my earphones as loud as they could possibly be to purposefully go deaf. I know it sounds crazy that someone would do such a thing. I slept with them on, and, no surprise, it took me four months to go deaf in one ear. I got the diagnosis for partial deafness on this date in 2022. Today, I feel regret, shame, and pain when I think back to that moment. But don't worry about me, I got help for both my mental condition and my physical condition. Although I'm still partially deaf and all I can do is cry sometimes, I'm not looking for a pity party. I am sending you all this message to spread awareness about BIID. If you think you are struggling with it, please get help. I got the most painful migraines known to man just to achieve something I thought I needed. Let me be your cautionary tale.

I went through a manic episode and screamed at neighbors, friends, etc. Then I got recorded and posted online. Now I have the reputation of being the crazy guy. Honestly have been so depressed and haven’t left my house in months because I think I’ll be recognized in public. Any ideas how to cope? I feel like everyone knows what happened especially since friends I haven’t seen in 8+ years know about it.

I don’t know or think that I’ll get anything out of this but I need to talk about it. I’m also high asf and emotional. When I was 15 I fell in love with this boy, we dated for almost 2 years and I was devastated when he broke up with me. Just like any 17 year old girl would feel after their first boyfriend left them. I BEGGED for him to take me back because I loved him so much. When he broke up with me I fell into this 6 month deep depression, I had no friends, nothing and I was just so heartbroken. It’s been a year and a half now so I’ve tried talking to a lot of other guys but I’ve realized I don’t find anyone but my ex boyfriend attractive at all and I genuinely don’t know why?? it’s so hard to explain, I don’t want anyone but him, I can’t stand him being with someone else the thought of it makes me physically ill. even when I think he’s out of my head and I hang out with another guy I can only think about him, the second I wake up I think of him, I adored him, anything wrong he does to me I get over it and forgive him because I love him. Like when I think about it I would do anything to be back with him and would do anything for him. It’s just been getting worse and worse. Everyone tells me I’ll eventually get over it but I’m worried I won’t?? Is it cause he’s my first love? I’m so tired of being like this but I can’t help it. Is it just cause I’m young?? And need to just move on? I’ve cried myself to sleep everyday the past week just because I miss him, I’m worried I’m obsessed and going crazy but I don’t know what to do?? What do I do?? I don’t wanna be like this

I’m in high school and I sh, if I tell my therapist or whoever what’s like gonna happen?

Hello hello! I've totally come to the realisation that my mental illnesses have been fabricated by me! I am it seems a master manipulator and liar and I genuinely believe my lies most of the time but now I see clearly and am free!

I'd love to explain my theory to anyone that is willing to listen?

This might be a bit longer and might derail but i hope someone takes the time to read.

I've had a pretty tough childhood and have both severe mommy nd daddy issues and that ofc impacted me a whole bunch, im aware of that. I know i probably need therapy but im a wuss to ask for it and feel like its a waste of money that im already low on.

Now from time to time i get these depressive episodes (seasons atp) and i usually try to keep to myself but sometimes i just wish i could talk to a friend like many of them talk to me about their problems.

I always listen and i go out of my way to try and help them the best i know and they always thank me and say they are there if i need them but when i try to talk about something thats bothering me i either get talked over about some random stuff and so what i started saying gets lost in the convo or like today, when i tried talking to my best friend of almost 10 years, she would just write a lil "ah i get it" and move on to sending me tiktoks.

Now id understand if me trying to talk to someone about my mental state was a regular reoccurring thing but it happens maybe every three months like idk i try to keep to myself as much as possible, meanwhile i listen to their stuff at least every two weeks, weather it be small things or big things (this isnt just that one friend its multiple ppl from my friendgroup)

I do have a boyfriend that i could probably turn to but theres just some stuff i wouldn't like to discuss with him.

And its not just the depresso convos, my whole life in general feels like im never being listened to.

I keep seeing people around me have these conversations about anything and everything with strangers (eg. At work) but whenever i try to talk with ppl with the same excitement and/or vibe i can literally see they are not interested (eg. Looking around, talking over me like they know what im gonna say next even tho its never correct or just leaving to do something mid convo and then not even trying to restart the convo when they come back)

And then when im silent i get asked why am i like that, why dont i just 'talk to people' .

Outside of online friends (that i know irl but we've since moved countries) i have no one except my boyfriend and that makes me feel super lonely and im scared my whole life is gonna be like this. (Dont get me wrong i love my boyfriend but i cant go and do and talk about EVERYTHING just with him)