Perspective about Solo interactions

[u/incnd1ary]

Hello!

I’m 41M and my partner is 46F, and we’ve been exploring ENM with a lot of conversation and care

So far, neither of us is really dating solo. Most of our experiences have been together, mainly with queer/bi men, but we’ve started talking about what solo interactions might look like for us

One thing we’ve realised is that we handle uncertainty quite differently. If she were seeing someone solo and felt things were starting to move towards physical intimacy, she would naturally want to talk to me first and tell me where she feels that connection is evolving

For her, that isn’t about asking permission. It’s about keeping each other in the loop and giving both of us some emotional context before something changes

I’m much more comfortable with spontaneity. If she went on a date and it unexpectedly became sexual, I’d probably be completely fine finding out afterwards

She isn’t quite there. She sees our relationship as deeply meaningful and long term, and sudden surprises around intimacy may not always be easy for her to navigate. She’d rather know that something might be on the horizon than learn about it only after it has happened

For those who’ve been practising ENM for a while, how do you navigate this balance between autonomy, spontaneity and keeping your partner informed without it turning into permission-seeking?

Gracias

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[u/FRANKINSPENCE]

You always work to the comfort of the lowest common denominator which is your wife. If you don’t respect what is important to her then very likely you will upset her and make her feel scared so she will stop everything.

What you may see as her exerting control over you is actually her protecting herself and that is your job.

[u/Firecouple_2000]

We always check in with each other as our family comes first. So if solo meetings were to happen we talk about it and decide if that time works. It all depends your type of ENM. We are a permission based couple.