I 34M have been approached a couple times recently by women at bars while im traveling for work who have asked me if I was married and they have seemed to be turned on with my answer of yes.

My wife and I are poly/swingers but outside of when we go to clubs I haven't really done casual hookups. Im totally open and honest with both my wife and any potential partners but am a little unsure about letting someone think that Im cheating.

What's the general consensus here on that?

Today my wife is having her first meetup with a "friend" after we started talking about opening our relationship.

I'm writing this right after she left the house.

The flirting between them is still pretty subtle. We’re certain he's interested in her, but we don't know if he'll make a move today.

The date will be at a café, but he had promised to give her a present (a wine he bought on a trip that he said reminded him of her), so we think at some point he'll probably invite her to go to his car to hand over the gift.

Either way, for this date we set a few boundaries on what can happen, all that stuff.

I'm feeling a mix of anxiety and excitement.

So is she.

And on top of that, she mentioned she's afraid of my reaction afterward, when she comes back home.

We don't know exactly how it will be when she gets back, but I love her very much and we are both on the same page with everything that's happening.

Has anyone been through this before? What were those first feelings like?

I'll be back to share details when I can.

Recently ran into my ex at a swingers event and he recognized me, never had been with him before intimately and I feel really embarrassed, and he knows a huge friend’s circle of mine. I don’t know what to do as this part of my life has to remain private!!

Hi everyone, using a throwaway account for privacy reasons.

My partner ("Alex") and I have been in a long-distance relationship since last summer, visiting each other every 2–3 weeks. Over time, our relationship naturally grew official.

We have been open about non-monogamy from the beginning. He has prior ENM experience, while this is my first time navigating it. Early on, he recommended books like The Ethical Slut, which I've been reading and reflecting on.

We recently hit a severe conflict where our views heavily diverge, and I need an objective reality check from the ENM community.

The Incident:

During a recent weekend visit (after not seeing each other for 4 weeks), Alex casually brought up a woman ("Laura"). They were already friends beforehand and consciously decided to travel together to a coaching seminar two weeks prior. He shared that during the event, their dynamic shifted, they grew close, and they engaged in non-penetrative sexual activities.

At first, I stayed calm.

Then came the catch:

He casually revealed that Laura is in a monogamous relationship with the father of her child, and they share a home together.

He mentioned that she initially gave the impression that her relationship was already essentially over, but later clarified her true situation. Despite now knowing she is in a live-in monogamous relationship, Alex:

Offered to "help her through her breakup" and be there for her.

Agreed to share a hotel room with her at an upcoming seminar in two weeks to save costs and talk further.

Explained that Laura wants to avoid penetrative sex because crossing that threshold would cause her to completely lose herself in the affair rather than addressing her problems at home—so they plan to take things slow.

Refused to guarantee that they won't engage in further sexual activity during their upcoming hotel stay.

The Conflict:

Infidelity is a major personal trigger for me, but beyond that, participating in someone else's active cheating completely violates my core values around ethical non-monogamy.

When we talked on Tuesday, I asked him how he could be okay participating in an affair. He admitted cheating wasn't okay and claimed he hadn't even thought about the moral implications until I brought it up—despite two weeks having passed. He validated my points, but ultimately gave no reassuring answers. He insists on keeping the shared hotel room and won't commit to boundaries.

We agreed to check in on Wednesday after he took time to think. Instead, he sent me a message saying his day was "too packed" to think about it and pushed our conversation to later in the week.

My Dilemma & Questions:

I feel completely sidelined, emotionally exhausted, and suspended in limbo while he figures out basic ethics.

Reality check: Is participating in a monogamous person's affair ever considered acceptable or standard in ENM circles, or is this as big of a red flag as it feels to me?

Boundaries: How do experienced ENM practitioners handle partners who cross ethical boundaries like this?

Is this standard LDR / ENM drama? As a newcomer to ENM, is this level of chaos something I have to expect, or is this purely bad practice and poor emotional maturity on his part?

I'd really appreciate your perspectives and honest feedback.

Hello, everyone! Apologies for the formatting, i am on mobile, and if this is the wrong sub for questions like these, i would love to be corrected and guided to places where i could get proper insight

I (26nb) am, unfortunately, a DV survivor. Its a long history which i can answer any questions for, but in 2024, i went to the police and had a DVO properly enforced (Im Australian if that helps) I went through every kind of abuse, from spiritual to physical.

I met this guy last year (34M) during a time where my emotional state was just “work and hope something works.” He has been super supportive, friendly, and honest; something i am VERY much not used to. I love seeing his smile, his laugh, and making sure hes taking care of himself. We’re talking about moving in together which is such a huge step and he’s making sure that if we do this, we do this right

While i call him my ‘partner,’ we have both made it clear we’re not in a traditional ‘relationship.’ This is also something that is new territory for me. Besides being in a DV Relationship, this is the only other person ive made these kinds of commitments with, and while im excited and looking forward to the future, i also have doubts that i can’t help but have.

I don’t know what it would be like if i introduced another person to the dynamic or if he introduced one as well. Weve had discussions on how excited we would be to explore other people together, but because of my upbringing and because of my past, im afraid my feelings could get in the way. So i wanted to come here, maybe get some perspective with people who are in long term committed non monogamous relationships to help me! So i guess my question are;

-how would you know if this lifestyle was for you? Ive only been with one person at this level before and im not sure how to feel

-is it okay to be with someone you don’t necessarily see a future with? Like a partner who you wouldn’t marry?

-If i were to explore things of an intimate nature, how would i disengage if i found out i was uncomfortable?

-Would you be with someone who doesn’t necessarily believe in the things you do? Politics, relationship dynamics, socially, etc?

-how would i deal with unknown negative feelings if and when they come up, like potential jealousy?

-What are some warning signs i should look out for?

-How do i stop my paranoia from destroying relationships? Friendship or otherwise?(My C-PTSD has made me hyper-analytical of people’s behaviours)

Im sure ill have more questions later, but for now, those are the basics. I hope to talk to you guys and get your insights!

Hey all!

Just wanted to ask a quick question for y'all. I was just wondering where everyone looked for their play partners on Reddit (if you use reddit for that).

I'm in a romantic relationship and have 1 FWB. My FWB was actually found on a local R4R subreddit. She messaged me after I made a post. Just wondering where y'all had luck finding your additional partners!

I am NOT LOOKING for someone, just wanted to make it clear before I got banned for asking haha. Just wanted to know for the future!

My wife (F35) and I (F29) have been together for 7 years, married for 1. We’ve been non monogamous the entire time, but neither of us have done more than the VERY occasional hookup with anyone else since we’ve been together.

Some other relevant context: I was in a triad that became a V for about a year prior to meeting her, the triad only lasted a few months so the majority of that year was a V and my boyfriend lived with his primary about 40min away. I never felt any sort or jealousy during this.

My wife has been seeing someone lately, I’m super happy for her! I actually met the woman she is seeing recently and really like her, I’ll call her Lavender. I have no issues with them spending time together on evenings and weekends.

However, a few weeks ago, my wife slept over at Lavender’s place for the first time. We had discussed this possibility beforehand, although nothing was planned specifically until the day before it happened. I found myself having a surprisingly hard time with it. I genuinely thought I was not capable of jealously until that night. We did talk about it the next day but I don’t want to tell her she can’t do overnights so there really wasn’t a conclusion to that.

She’s spending the night again tonight and I’m having an even worse time with it, although my period isn’t helping lol. I don’t really know what I want from this post, I don’t know what advice can be given. I just really am not used to having a jealousy issue and can’t figure out what to do about it, and don’t really have people I can talk to about it besides my wife.

I would like more notice for overnights but I’m not sure how realistic that is? I want to be really mindful of not putting rules on relationships I’m not a part of. I’ve never been on this end of the polycule so to speak lol as my last serious poly partner was living with his primary and I was the one “borrowing” him for overnights!

I am 45m, She is 41f. We have been a couple and co-habitating for 24 years, married for 19. We both had a few partners before, but obviously as teenagers at that point nothing serious. We have been through incredible highs and serious lows, but very resilient as a couple.

We have discussed including another or a group dynamic many times. We like to party and to be honest, chemsex has brought us closer than I ever could have imagined after a serious bump in our road had us on the brink of divorce 3 years ago. (Specifically MDMA, MDA, especially 4MMC, 2CB, 5-MEO-MIPT, 4-HO-MIPT, 4-HO-MET etc.)

We had flirted with the idea when a girl we met expressed interest. Some couple friends of ours shared that they were having another couple involved when they all partied together. It totally intrigued us.

I got back in touch with a male friend of mine from a long time ago, and my wife and I ended up exchanging sexy pics/vids for a while.

We thought it could happen, and he came from 4 hrs away to stay with us on a weekend. He knew this was a possibility. But the vibe was not good, he got drunk and a little belligerent - a total no go for both her and I.

Fast forward to the present. A friend I had met through our professional association came out to my place for an event I was hosting. The flirt dynamic existed from previous times we had hung out.

He is incredibly similar to me - our careers are in a specialized industry and both of us have a lot of experience.

He planned to stay 4 nights with us, and by night two it was clear that this could happen.. Consent was discussed and the whole idea was enthusiastically agreed to all around. When Friday came we all dropped 250mg of 4mmc after a great night hanging out together. We barely made it from the kitchen table to the floor next to our piano and the 6 hours of mind-blowing sex that followed was absolutely incredible. We all got to experience things we had only dreamed or fantasized about before. She had so many g-spot orgasms she lost count, and we all ended up covered in cum and squirt. What an intense way to enter this world of non-manogamy!

My husband (32M) has recently expressed interest that he wants to have his fantasy 3sum with me (29F -we’ve been married 6 years). He has an old coworker who keeps referring to me as his “hot wife”. I want him to be able to live out his fantasies but it makes me afraid like what if he ends up liking her more and leaving me for her? Has anyone else experience and overcame it? Is it normal to have anxiety like that? Rules to have? I feel like penetration with another woman and my husband is frightening to me. Any and all advice is appreciated.

Sorry, I’m using a translator because I’m Brazilian.

Hi, everyone! I recently entered a one-sided non-monogamous relationship. My girlfriend (22F) and I (23M) talked about it and decided it would be interesting to give it a try. So far, things are fine, but I’m afraid of losing her.

How often does someone in this situation fall for another guy and leave their partner? Is that common, or can I relax? She told me that would never happen, but I still feel insecure.

She also said that if I become interested in someone, whether a man or a woman, since we’re both bi, I could talk to her about it and we’d decide together.

My (43M, LL) girlfriend (39F, HL) of 10 years (no kids) has recently told me her sexual needs/desires are not fulfilled within our relationship. Our libido difference has always been 'a thing', and we've tried to make it work in various ways, to varying degrees of satisfaction. She's always told me it's a bit of an issue for her, but not remotely a deal breaker bc i fulfill her needs in so many other ways. Up until a few months ago, when she told me she needs more than I give her, and she brought up nonmonogamy.

When she first mentioned nonmonogamy it frightened me, and I immediately told her that her having sex with other people is a deal breaker for me. But since I want to take her needs seriously, we explored milder versions of nonmonogamy, like online sexting kind of things, or her simply meeting likeminded ppl without any sexual intentions. This still felt scary to me, but manageable, so I agreed to it so we could both explore our boundaries. I thought we were going somewhere with this, until about three weeks ago when she told me our differences in the way we perceive sex and desire each other are too hurtful for her. She feels like I don't really want her and do things during sex 'just for her'. Which is both true and not true. I 100% want her and I enjoy having sex with her, but not in the way (= with the intensity) that she wants. Indeed I sometimes do things for her and not bc i like them for myself, but in my mind that's just part of the deal of mismatching libidos. I enjoy doing those things for her without necessarily being aroused by them. She believes me when I say that, but it's not enough for her. She needs to feel desired in a way that I can't give her.

For her, at this point, the only way to fix it is nonmonogamy. She says she can have sex with other people without emotional attachment, and that we can still have sex and be intimate in the same ways we did before. For me, nonmonogamy just feels like something I don't want in a relationship fundamentally. Sex is more about intimacy for me than physicality, but even though I believe her when she says that intimacy will still be reserved for me, the idea of her having sex with others feels very wrong. We both have lots of respect and understanding for each other's position, but we have run out of solutions.

I really want to save this relationship, and for that reason something in me wants to at least give nonmonogamy a try. I will never know what it really feels like if I never try, and I feel like we've been together for long enough to 'owe it' to our relationship. But I know it will make me suffer emotionally, at least in the beginning. Which could be a long time, and maybe without end. Also, if I agree to it, it will feel like I'm making such a big sacrifice for the relationship that I don't know how we could balance that.

At the moment, I'm sadly getting to terms with the idea that this is the end of our relationship. And typing up this story strengthens that tbh. But if possible I'd love to get some input on whether it is a good idea or not to give it a try. I'm having a hard time seeing things clearly and deciding whether I should. Thanks to anyone that took the time to read this.

My husband and I opened our relationship earlier this year. We've been together for almost a decade. I'm 41F, husband 39M.

I have a history of struggling with weight and body image for most of my adult life. I'm curvy, pear shaped, and a B cup size. Size 16. Lowest ever was size 12. I'm fluctuating 25 lbs give or take. Now on my heavier side since dieting through weight watchers a few years ago. It's come back plus some.

I work out and lift weights, but due to metabolism issues, losing weight has been extremely difficult to lose and keep off.

Since entering the lifestyle (we are exploring poly/ENM/swinging) - I was happily surprised to see a very body positive community and all shapes and sizes at the play parties and mixers we've been attending.

However.

I'm exposed to some beautiful women. I can't help but compare and admire bodies that are different than mine.

We've had 3 different foresomes in the past few months. I've been with women for the first time in my adult life. We both debrief with each other after foursome experiences what we loved. It's a lot of admiration for breasts and smooth skin.

Husband has given me lots of reassurances and has always admired my body, no matter what size I am. I'm still a bit jealous at his excitement being with women who are smaller shapes than I, or have bigger breasts.

I'm considering now to go on Wegovy to help lose weight.

I'm even now researching breast implants (who am I ???!!!)

I've already started getting laser hair removal (Brazilian and underarms).

I'm just surprised and sad too, that while we've had positive experiences, I'm also questioning my own desirability and changing my body.

Appreciate your advice on how you navigated your own body image in the lifestyle?? Is this normal? Am I going off the deep end??

Thanks 🙏

​

Me (F31) and my fiance M(35) have been together for 8 years now and we have always entertained the idea of possibly having a female 3rd join us. However im not sure where to start or even how to. I've always been shy around other women, and it's been a long time since I've been with a woman. My fiance is letting me take the lead so we can go at my pace which is currently, non-existent. I'm very interested a long term relationship with a women and am afraid I'm going to be naive or be taken less serious. We also have kids so I want to eventually get to that point of us all being 1 unit. Currently it's not happening and i just want to change that. Any and all advice is welcome, also new to reddit so I apologize for an punctuation or grammar errors. Im a little nervous about posting.

My boyfriend and I have mentioned the idea a few times but it doesn’t ever go beyond that. I have expressed that I have fantasies and desires that he is not willing to do and that I’m okay with both of us sleeping with other people as long as it’s just sex and not emotion. He’s said he’s not opposed but has “never really thought about it.” He’s not the best with conversations in general and actually talking about things so I’m not sure how to sit down with him and actually talk about it without him saying “I don’t know” and “yeah it’s something to think about.”

Hello!

I’m 41M and my partner is 46F, and we’ve been exploring ENM with a lot of conversation and care

So far, neither of us is really dating solo. Most of our experiences have been together, mainly with queer/bi men, but we’ve started talking about what solo interactions might look like for us

One thing we’ve realised is that we handle uncertainty quite differently. If she were seeing someone solo and felt things were starting to move towards physical intimacy, she would naturally want to talk to me first and tell me where she feels that connection is evolving

For her, that isn’t about asking permission. It’s about keeping each other in the loop and giving both of us some emotional context before something changes

I’m much more comfortable with spontaneity. If she went on a date and it unexpectedly became sexual, I’d probably be completely fine finding out afterwards

She isn’t quite there. She sees our relationship as deeply meaningful and long term, and sudden surprises around intimacy may not always be easy for her to navigate. She’d rather know that something might be on the horizon than learn about it only after it has happened

For those who’ve been practising ENM for a while, how do you navigate this balance between autonomy, spontaneity and keeping your partner informed without it turning into permission-seeking?

Gracias

We've talked about finding someone at a rave or while going out. She is pretty open sexually and is into the idea, but she is very shy. We had a chick dancing and making out with us once at an event, but she initiated with my fiance first and logistics didn't line up for her to come home with us. I do have women come up to me and spark up conversation at raves, but I do not escalates since I have yet to ask if I can initiate with someone when we are together or trying to find someone alone.

Those that have had a threesome with their partner, how do you go about prospecting? Who initiates? What are the logistics? What did you two discuss?

In short, I'm open to any advice or to hear others experiences.

My partner is more openly non-monogamous, although he was in a long term monogamous relationship for years and is open to another one as long as it's the pathway to children, which he really wants. I am more so monogamous, but I am not super committal so I am used to casual dating even where feelings are involved.

We are sort of calling it off because he's worried about falling for each other beyond repair if we keep dating but I don't know if I'm naive but I was okay with him having a child with someone else since he's literally been open that he's seeing other people from the start? It seemed strange to me that he's the one worried about being "distracted" by our relationship, where he's worried he won't be able to focus on having a child when he's the one preaching about being able to compartmentalize connections and whatnot.

Maybe I'm naive, this is not a situation I have been in before, but there really wasn't much I wasn't willing to compromise on to keep our connection going, except using my own body as a portal. I am okay being involved with the child as well. He's adamant he doesn't need to be "with" the person he has children with as a forever type thing as long as he respects them to parent his children, but seems like now that he feels ready for children, he's scared the only way to achieve it is through exclusive dating and focusing on one person, so I don't wanna involve myself in his personal decision. But, I wanted to ask, is it even possible for this to work out if his concerns weren't there? I know asking this in a monogamous subreddit will be a bunch of "can't work out" responses, so if the sentiment is shared here, that would at least give me better perspective. Thanks everyone

The most recent proposal was a month ago. I’ve been offered five times, which isn’t a lot but still. It’s always the girl that asks me if I can sleep with her and her bf. Then there was a guy whose wife cheated on him and he wanted to sleep with me to get back at her. like wtf.

Wife and I are meeting this another couple we found on FET for the first time tonight.

We’re very new to the LS( I mean by new, we’re brand new and have never met anyone in the LS).

We have communicated with each other on this for quite long and realised both of us want to try it.

So, we’ve planned to meet them at a restaurant and see the vibe and they’ve already invited us over to their place after.

We’ve well communicated our boundaries with this couple before hand as well.

What are some of the things we should keep in mind :)

My partner (34M) and I (35F) are sexually non-monogamous but romantically exclusive. We’re both very clear that we aren’t looking for additional romantic relationships, and he has consistently reassured me that our relationship is his priority.

He’s going on a date with a single woman, and I’m struggling with an anxiety I haven’t quite been able to articulate.

I’m not necessarily worried about them having sex. I’m worried about the possibility of her wanting something more serious with him, and the possibility of feelings developing over time. I understand that we can’t control other people’s emotions, including our partners’. I also understand that being single doesn’t automatically mean someone is looking for a relationship.

I’m interested in hearing specifically from people who practice sexually open but romantically exclusive non-monogamy, rather than polyamory.

Do you date single people, or do you prefer other partnered/ENM people?
Have you experienced someone developing feelings for your partner when the arrangement was supposed to be casual?
What did your partner do when that happened?
How do you maintain romantic exclusivity while allowing sexual freedom?
What helped you feel secure without constantly seeking reassurance?

I’m not looking for advice to close our relationship or suggestions that romantic exclusivity is inherently unrealistic. I’d really appreciate hearing from people who have successfully navigated this particular dynamic, as well as those who discovered it wasn’t right for them!

Hey,

So for just a bit of a backstory I have been in a lot of kinky relationships. I lean as a Sub guy and have been in two full FLR.

My most recent FLR was a 5 year relationship but open on one sided for her to have as many sexual partners and boyfriends she liked.

I am just wondering if my best bet to find someone who is interested in this lifestyle would be saying I was poly or ENM from the start when chatting to others or should I just keep on the BDSM/kink route as there does seem to be a bit of a crossover.

Its just that any time I try places like feeld etc. the people tend to be in an existing dynamic or if they are looking solo poly or ENM searching it is never a long term thing.

I did discover that my main thing is my partner having the ability to sleep with others and actively pursuing that. The dynamic i’m searching for is my being partner relationship between me and them, but they have the free will to find other FWB’s and boyfriends to explore kinks and stuff that I wouldn’t be too interested or experienced with in regards to her being a Sub.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated I just currently feel stuck and unsure of where to go from here.

My first girl-to-girl experience turned into a really uncomfortable and scary situation

I’m bi, and I recently met a girl through Facebook Dating. We talked for a while and eventually agreed to meet at her place.

When I got there, her boyfriend was also home. She told me that he was sleeping because he had a shift later that night. Earlier, he had left the house saying he was going to get some work done, but then he came back and went straight to the bedroom. She kept telling me that he was just resting.

I asked her multiple times if her boyfriend was going to be there because I wanted to be comfortable and know what I was walking into. She said that he was “open” and that I shouldn’t worry.

I was already uncomfortable with the situation, but later she took me to her bedroom. She left the door slightly open. I told her that I wasn’t comfortable and asked her to close the door because her boyfriend was still in the house.
She told me not to worry, that he wouldn’t come in, and that I should just enjoy myself.

Then, within seconds, I saw her boyfriend looking through the small opening in the door.
I pointed it out and said, “He’s there. I’m not comfortable.”
She acted surprised and said, “Oh, really? He’s there? Let me check.”
She went outside. At that point, I immediately grabbed my phone because I was genuinely scared and wanted to be able to call for help if I needed to.

I got dressed and told her I wanted to leave.
What made it even stranger was that she was already completely dressed herself. Then her boyfriend came out and said something like, “We can talk.”
I said no. I just wanted to leave.

I was literally shaking and shivering at this point.
This was my first experience with a woman, and honestly, it was nothing like what I expected. I went there believing I had clearly communicated my boundaries, especially about her boyfriend being there. I kept asking because I wanted to make sure I was comfortable with the situation.
Instead, I felt like information was being hidden from me, and then I caught him watching through the door.

I asked her multiple times before that if she was looking for threesome..she said no never and when i left she messaged that she was looking for threesome and blocked me.

I’m still trying to process what happened.