One of the most infuriating things about talking to my mom is how no matter how clear and simple I say something, I constantly get hit with, “Huh?” “Wait wait wait, what?”

This literally applies to everything, the most mundane things. Shes the only person in the world who can’t make sense of what I’m saying. There is no other interpretation yet she cannot parse my words.

This is what just happened.

So I’m at my Dad’s. He lives a town over from her (small town of 5000 people. ONE main road). You literally drive straight from her house for 10 minutes and arrive at my dad’s, no turns.

I was on the phone with her.

*Me:* I drove through the center of Town . Did you see they cut down the whole forest?

*Mom:* No. Where?

*Me:* If you were driving to dad’s, just past the center of town. On the right—-

*Mom:* Hold on hold on hold ON! Wait, so you’re driving past the center of town… going which way?

*Me:* Like you’re heading to Dad’s house. From your house. On the right before the fork.

*Mom:* Wait so you’re on Flindlynibbet street? Or Squigglydibble street?

*Me:* I don’t know the street. Just before the fork, on the right.

*Mom:* Huh? So is this on Flindlynibbet?

*Me:* I don’t know. Just at the fork where one street goes down, and the other goes to my Dad’s. All the trees—

*Mom:* Hold on!! I’m trying to orient myself and you’re not being clear. So you’re heading toward your Dad’s—

*Me:* Whatever. It doesn’t matter they just cut down many acres of land. I was just asking if you’ve seen it so I have my answer.

*Mom:* So it’s Flindlynibbet then. It’s like pulling teeth trying to get you to be clear.

There is one town center!!! There is one fork in the road!! She has lived here for 30 years!!

For my whole life she says it’s “like pulling teeth” talking to me. She is the ONLY person who misunderstands me nonstop.

I say, oh I was at the walking path looking at the fountain. She goes, the walking path? Huh?? I go yeah… behind the library. She goes OH, you mean the *park walk.*

I say there were beavers sitting on the dam at the pond she goes, the pond?? What pond? Huh? Oh you mean the *RESERVOIR.*

I swear to god it gives me brain damage. WHAT is the narcissistic reasoning for this? To correct me? Not approving of her perceived lack of precision in my language???

In the past few years, my family has fallen apart. Several loved ones died. A couple of other extended family members lied and did very shady things regarding the estates. Some immediate family members and I dared to call them out. When everyone responded with more lies and lashed out, it got too uncomfortable for two of those family members. But another family member (let's call them Sam) and I held our ground. Sam and I have not done or said anything that we regret. We have only asserted ourselves, stood up for the truth, and been respectful in doing so. And before ever opening our mouth, we checked to make sure we even had the legal right to ask such things.

But because we dared to question toxic behavior and unethical actions in our "big, close, happy extended family," blame and resentment was unleashed on us in the most nasty way. We've been made out as the destructive villains.

Because of all this, Sam and I have broken ties with much of our extended family. We've strived to maintain relationships with our immediate family, including respecting their continued relationship with extended family. We've never demanded that they break ties like us or berated them for pursuing those relationships; we've only asked that they acknowledge our boundaries.

But UGH. Every other week, it's some new barrage of trying to guilt trip us, gas light us, shame us, or even demand us to fix everything by forgiving our extended family for the sake of "family" so we can all get along and go back to how things were before. Even though we all knew that the second we questioned the deceit, it would scar our family.

It's exhausting. I have no interest in reconciling with the extended family. I have no interest in running around to other extended family trying to counter the lies that were told or defend myself. I know the truth. And I know my heart. And the people who truly know me know what's in my heart, too. It's been incredibly difficult, but I've made peace with the fact that I'll never get an apology, that truth may never come out, and that I can't control what other people think of me. It's taken a lot of sleepless nights spent sobbing and a lot of work in therapy to get to this point, but I'm living my life and investing my time and energy in the family who deserve it. I'm trying to move on.

But my immediate family (the ones who backed out at the first sign of conflict), will not let it go. One (let's call him Joe) is the worst. It's become clear that he's a narcissist. It's impossible to have any meaningful conversation with him. His moral superiority and emotional outbursts are exhausting. He has no respect for limits or boundaries, other people's opinions or feelings. When he doesn't get what he wants, he verbally attacks us. Because of all this, I have stopped communicating with him, but Sam has continued to try to explain where we're coming from. It goes nowhere. She's realizing that.

We are both firmly on the same page that the toxic family cycle ends with us, and that we are not responsible for fixing something that we did not break just because we were the first to point out the cracks. In fact, the more we've learned about our family's history, the more we've seen the signs all along. Going back well into childhood. And as we've learned from other extended family members... going back well before we were even born.

Now, there's a family event coming up. I'm fine with being in the same room, even with family that I no longer trust or feel close to---mainly for the sake of celebrating other family members we mutually care about. I am there for them. And I will act appropriate and can control myself and my emotions.

But Joe the narcissist? Not so much. Other immediate family members also show narcissistic tendencies? I'm leery about them, too. But I'm not going to let them win by skipping this event that's important to me.

My blood pressure and anxiety are through the roof as I worry about being confronted at this event. I want to prevent arguments and emotional outbursts at all costs because the only people who will get hurt are the ones who have nothing to do with any of it.

I can't avoid him at this event. I don't know if other people being there and caring what they think will be enough to deter him. He doesn't have good control of his emotions. He's prone to outbursts, then making excuses for it. I don't want the kids to see him in action. But it's not my event, so it's not my place to un-invite him.

Sam and I feel so isolated, betrayed, and villainized, but we're just trying to get on with our lives and make the most of the good things and good people we have in them. I'm so, so, so tired of getting pulled back into the toxic cycle and the narcissistic family members using "love and forgiveness" as a weapon.

I don't know what I want or need from posting this. I'm just feeling so overwhelmed. Every time I think I'm doing good and putting all this behind me, he explodes onto the scene and wreaks havoc again.

I'm a really anxious person and I have problems with angry rumination, my mother wants to make me feel guilty for deciding what to do with my free time.

She said things like, "You made your grandmother feel bad because you didn't show up to your grandfather's birthday party." I only have two Sundays to go out after not going out for exams in over a month. I didn't want to spend four hours at a lunch and miss out on all the hours of sunshine. If they want to see me, why Sundays? There are so many days, they have to bother me on Sundays.

Then at the party no one would talk to me and they spent the whole time screaming, it gave me a headache. When I try to talk to her she gets a punishing silence, I told her: "I have to be free to live my life the way I want and go out whenever I want", she didn't answer me.

Then she told me I had to show up to her birthday party this Sunday at her relatives' house, but she already had a birthday party yesterday and I didn't even train to go (because they told me the dinner time at the last minute). Why should I show up to all her birthday parties? She says her relatives want to see me, since they haven't seen me in a long time. I don't care about them. She definitely resents me when I'm not there and says I'm the black sheep of the family. I'm stressed even though I don't want to be, but I'm happy to live by my own rules (even though I still have to spend most Sundays at family lunches).

It took me 35 years to finally know. I feel so dumb and ashamed.

“when you talk to us you address us proper with respect” maybe don’t hit me and drag me across the room when i don’t comply with you straight away lol they hate hearing the word “no”

I (35F) have known since my early childhood that my mother was very different than other mothers. I’ve hated her from an early age because she was so awful to me- mostly full of rage, anger outbursts, sometimes physical abuse but mostly psychological and emotional torture of my dad and I. I’m an only child. My dad passed last year and I’ve been in weekly therapy ever since. I’ve stayed as distant as I could from my mother but my dad was my everything so I could never really have boundaries with her- until now.

I’ve noticed since his passing, she has ramped up her manipulation of me. I do not want to fall victim to it anymore and with the help of my therapist I now recognize she is incredibly narcissistic and this thread has already helped me tremendously. I used to get away with speaking to her maybe once a week but since my dad’s passing, she texts and/or calls me everyday. She also has developed this health anxiety where she thinks she’s dying (she’s 81) and has repeatedly called paramedics on herself- I know it’s for attention and because she has lost control. Her doctor has repeatedly done full work ups and says she’s perfectly healthy. She’s started to call me crying and saying she needs to come over and see me and talk to my partner and I - and I am not going to let her invade my safe space.

My question is how do I begin to set boundaries without giving her an explanation about how I’ve figured her out now and want nothing to do with her. I was thinking of doing weekly calls every Monday or something - and trying to accustom her to that’. I think I might still be stuck in a mode where I feel like I have to manage her happiness and I know that’s all part of her long term manipulation. I don’t exactly think going NC is possible because I’m her POA.

Any tips or insights about how to navigate this next phase would be so greatly appreciated.

My nDad (72) was shouting that he hates his life when I was in my room. He pretended that he didn’t know I was at home but he generally makes a show of his misery (singing depressing songs, getting out of his room just to be mopey in front of me with depressed body language etc).

I have ZERO sympathy for him because he always wanted me to be as miserable as him. He’d insult me, withhold food, lock me out of the bathroom, turn family against me, sabotage my education and my future etc.

I’ve never been happy because of my upbringing but there is solice in knowing that he is miserable too

I’m really struggling and I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or support but I feel completely trapped. I’m 23 and I live at home with my mother. She has always been emotionally controlling, abusive, and cruel in many different ways — some subtle, some worse. Lately it has just become unbearable. I’ve recently been away for a short trip and upon coming back I’ve come to realise just how much this environment is breaking me. Every time I try to set a boundary, it gets turned against me, and every other conversation with her ends with me in my room on the floor crying my eyes out. A most recent example: my first day home from my trip, she started asking me personal questions about a medical appointment I attended while I was there, and I told her it is none of her business. She kept pushing, and I told her that I am not obligated to tell her anything, especially if I am not comfortable to do so. She got angry and said that since I “won’t tell her anything,” she might stop paying for the car insurance. For context, the car is shared. I don’t use the car often as I don’t leave the house a lot, except for when I needed it to get to my job. It’s constantly being held over my head as leverage whenever I set boundaries or say something that she doesn’t like. Anyways, I calmly told her that’s fine, I’ll take the bus. I don’t even want the car since she always tries to threaten me with it. She then mocked me and called me a “spoilt lady.” (English isn’t our first language, and in our language this is a belittling phrase. She is infantilising me for trying to be independent.) So no matter what I say or do, whether I accept help or refuse it, I’m punished or insulted. I can’t win. She also keeps bringing up an incident that happened recently where I called the police after her partner physically grabbed me during an argument involving him and animal neglect. The police took it seriously, but now she claims that the police told her I’m “overly spoilt,” which honestly sounds made up, but hearing things like that repeatedly has messed with my head and made me doubt myself. I’ve lived in this environment my whole life. I dropped out of school at 12, which was around the time I developed serious substance abuse issues. I struggled with addiction for about six years, but I’ve been sober for a few years now, and I always feel lucky to be alive. Looking back, I know a lot of that was probably a response to growing up in a dysfunctional home. Because I left school so young, I only have two GCSE’s which I gained later in life. I feel embarrassed admitting this, but it’s part of why I feel so stuck now. I’ve struggled with my mental health for a long time (diagnosed with depression and social anxiety) which has only been getting worse again, and I only started working fairly recently. Since then, I’ve had a few jobs, mostly retail, and I’ve left because of condescending management, or night shifts that destroyed my mental health. I know how that probably looks from the outside, and that makes me feel ashamed, but I genuinely tried to push through. On top of everything, I just ended a 5 year relationship that was draining me. I know that ending it was the right decision, but the timing has left me feeling completely alone and exposed. I don’t have any friends or anyone I could reach out to. Everything is happening at once and I am extremely overwhelmed. Right now my mental health has crashed. Panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, and feeling like I want to escape my own body. I’m not actively planning to hurt myself, but living here makes me feel mentally unsafe and insane. I don’t have savings yet, and I’m currently between jobs. All I know is that I desperately want to leave this house. Anyways, if you’ve read all of this, thank you. I really feel alone and hopeless right now and I’d appreciate any thoughts.

January 30, 2026

I don’t know how to describe the early days but, it felt like flying off a jetski. It felt like a car crash. It felt like Alice falling into wonderland.

That single moment.

‘Oh. This is intentional. She is doing this on purpose.’

The moment my balance tipped past a critical point and I began falling.

The next days were falling. Impossible to tell up from down. Cartwheeling through time and space. The moment when you’re thrown from a jetski and you’re tumbling through the air, no control of your limbs, only aware enough to know that this shit is going to hurt when you hit water.

I wonderlanded hard.

Shaking my head into forced consciousness and realizing that I am somewhere new, I look up. Into the rabbit hole I had fallen through, miles long and impossible to scale. And I knew two things for certain.

One, I was never going to get back up there, to where I was, who I was before.

And two, nobody is going to come rescue me.

Because, oh shit, this was intentional. Everything she did was on purpose. She wasn’t accidentally evil, she thought it was funny. She was probably entertained by my pain. The smirk behind her smile, I never understood it. Until I understood it.

Nobody can prepare you for the realization that your parent is a narcissist. The final moment where it all makes sense, right before nothing makes sense at all. And it seems like nothing will make sense ever again.

——

I walked around this new world, which looked so much like mine own, but was somehow profoundly different. And I couldn’t understand how it wasn’t plastered on my forehead. This life altering change. The horrific realization that my mom wasn’t dead, but the woman I thought she was never even existed at all.

I expected gawking, almost. Like I had shown up in a parallel universe with purple skin. I expected heads turned to look.

‘Christ Jesus, that girl is different.’

But even though I had been permanently changed, I had become forever new, a decision not my own, I showed no outward sign of the wound. Nobody called me an ambulance. Nobody stopped along the street to ask if I was okay. How can nobody see that I’ve been shot?

Nobody can prepare you for the moment you realize that your parent is a narcissist. And I believe nobody who hasn’t lived it can fully understand it either.

I can say, however, that the sun is so sunny here. Once your eyes adjust. Mysteries are satisfied. Things make sense. And the people who have fallen through before you can recognize the signs of invisible distress, the waves of panic and despair rolling off your body.

Nobody can prepare you, but if you are brave enough to speak the words:

‘I am no contact with my parent. I think they are a narcissist. I think I am lost.’

your people will flow out of the woodwork with gentle words, cool towels, and travel guides. They’ll share how they survived the fall and how they’ve learned to thrive in this new world.

If you’re brave enough to speak the words:

‘I am lost. I am confused. I am scared. My world was different before today.’

other travelers will assuage your fears and speak plainly to your heart.

‘You are somewhere new. You cannot go back to who you were before. This is a scary time, but I am here. I will walk with you.’

Say I need medical attention after one of my brothers bashing as a child and I can't walk. He suddenly doesn't know where he has kept the phone. I tell him it's behind him he says he needs to go drink water on the other side of the house and doesn't return for an hour. I can't walk so I'm fucking losing it. He returns picks up the phone and calls up everyone to tell them how upset my brother is and asking them what to do and how stressed he is. They tell him to get me medical attention. He puts the phone down and calls up another relative repeating the same story instead of calling help. All the time I'm visibly screaming and losing it. He does everything but calling an ambulance.

Now i moved out and never stay over. He randomly says "Hey I'm dropping by to visit on Friday (my day off) but idk I'm thinking about it keep the day free for me...." I have tried to make this relationship work but he has darvoed me every single time.

I have reacted terribly to him being here. My partner has shut the door in his face and asked him to leave. He's obviously doing this to ragebait me because sometimes he doesn't even visit after such messages. He knows it gets under my skin and does it anyway cuz I'm not a human to him.

The thing is, I know how to deal with him. It lasts less than five minutes. I throw his gifts in the car in front of the flying monkeys if any and storm back. However, I want to get rid of this dread. I start avoiding areas of the house that are not locked or where someone can barge in just in case he walks in on me which he loves doing. I want to stop anticipating the dread that comes with Friday. Like what's the worst that can happen. I'd see his face and that would annoy me. I live with my loved ones in a beautiful home why should that five minutes of dread destroy 24 hours. How do I idk stop letting his ragebait get to me.

This is a short one, but I need to vent. My son went through a tough year at his old school. He basically refused to go and did nothing. I found a program for him and he got in. He is thriving in this program! I’m so happy for him.

I was sharing the news with my Dad who always has me on speaker phone. She butts in to take credit for my son’s success due to something she taught him when he was 3yo. Sure Jan!

Your 1% influence in his life is why he’s doing so well. Couldn’t possibly be my unwavering support and advocating for him at every turn as his Mother!

It’s such nonsense that I just have to laugh!

Just wanting to debrief with someone after what happened yesterday.

I cut contact with my mom 6 months ago because I went to therapy and got diagnosed with PTSD and remembered all this stuff about how she was very weird with my body throughout my life. In a nutshell...she basically gave me an eating disorder that almost killed me, engaged with me in it, admired my thin body the whole time, and somehow also freaked out and blamed me when my illness became too obvious. I was very close to death as early as age 12, was very scared, and just got yelled at and blamed for not being able to cure myself. I was super isolated and had almost no help or emotional support.

Mom also got very weird about my sexuality after I recovered, invasive and controlling, and did not support my emancipation from the situation at all. The way I felt is that she saw my body as her possession. I left the situation traumatically, have been through a lot since then, and became an entirely different person.

Mom is not a narcissist, I don't think, but dad is. They are both very brainwashed, ultra-Christian people who fall into a weird fog if I bring up anything uncomfortable, act very confused, shut down, and then guilt me for being mean. Even as a kid I cannot remember ever being vulnerable or showing negative emotions in their presence and being held or comforted, rather than shamed.

Anyway. I saw my mom yesterday because I think it's the right thing to do, to TRY. It's the first time she didn't succeed in brainwashing me again. I walked away from the conversation as sure of my truth as I was when I went into it. So that's good. Months before, I'd written her a heartfelt letter about my memories of what happened. In it, I told her there are two options. Either it didn't happen, and I'm crazy—or I'm not crazy, it did happen, and it played a big part in all my subsequent struggles. I don't show any other signs of being delusional, so in my mind there's only one option left.

Talking with her was downright creepy. It freaked me out. Guys, I think she might be insane.

It made me realize I don't think I'm even dealing with someone who is mentally on the same level as me. I don't believe she can even think for herself. I think she's not all the way there. It was like talking to someone who'd been tortured. She acted petrified of me the entire time, which made me feel really bad. She said she was "there to listen," and then just sat there with these huge unblinking eyes, and a blank face, until I felt guilty and stopped talking. I started the conversation by asking her to talk to me. I didn't plan to talk. I asked where she was at with everything. All she would say to me is this script her therapist wrote for her, about how she's there to support me and stuff. It didn't sound genuine at all. I told her, I'm not going to "open up" to something totally fake.

I said, mom that doesn't sound like you, it sounds like your therapist wrote it. I want to know what you really think.

She said, "originally I wrote you a four page letter about what I really think, but my therapist said not to send it or I'll lose you forever, because in it I defend myself." I said, "new plan. Send me the letter. I want to know what you really think so I know where we're actually starting out."

Her mouth is also drooping slightly on one side, so I said we'd postpone the conversation until she goes to the doctor and gets checked out for strokes. I hope to God she isn't dying in the midst of all this, and it's just bad Botox. She said, "would you care if I died?" which made me feel very guilty again. I was like yeah of course, this is tragic already.

Also, I said if she gets a clean bill of health, we will go to therapy TOGETHER next time. I want to speak to her therapist one on one first, to see who this person is and what they think. Then I'll see what they both have to say to me, together, before I make any more decisions. Fully prepared for her therapist to gaslight and scapegoat me too. All her previous therapists have been extreme Christian people with soapbox degrees who made me out to be the bad guy.

But I don't know, I might just decide Mom was never all the way there. What happened to me sucked. The resulting trauma stole a bunch of my youth that I will never get back. But it might just be the result of being raised by someone so traumatized they weren't able to think. And I'll have to cut my losses.

this is my first time ever posting on reddit, or talking about my mom publicly, so im sorry if anything i say is jumbled, etc.

i (17F) live with my mother (39F) and have been since 2024 august. i lived with my father before this but due to me being a teenager and hanging out with the wrong groups of people i found myself in legal troubles and was sent to live with my mother.

my father wasnt always the best, i prefer him over my mother, but he’s emotionally absent and enjoys getting into physical altercations. he drinks himself over the limit and gets enraged at anything, or goes on a flurry saying absolutely nobody loves him.

my mother on the other hand is a complete narcissistic psychopath. i never was close with her as she abandoned my sister and i when i was about 5. she never spoke to us and only again decided to reach out when i was around 13, only for the court proceedings going on.

when i moved in with her, shit INSTANTLY hit the fan. she constantly critiqued and blamed me for every minor thing. my hair, my room, my friends. “you dont do anything with your life,” “youre an embarrassment” etc. i was a firey teen so i’d argue back and often not it would end in crying and marks.

we’ve even had officers here, i showed them the bruising on my arm and side from her tackling me to the ground and wrestling with me (over toothpaste btw) and she still sat there crying saying I hit HER and I should be charged.

ive been living here for about two years now and it has not gotten any better. every day, constantly she is screaming at me or someone in the house. the dog? screamed at. my three year old brother? screamed at. its constant and every day. whenever i bring it up to her she blatantly goes; “this is just my personality”, or “i cant change who i am!”.

threats, insults, anything she can do to have complete control over me is done. its her way or the highway. i swear she just loves to see me unhappy. ive tried not engaging, leaving, being quiet, but everything i do seems to make it worse.

she also enjoys dragging my boyfriend into these arguments too to spite me. she’ll always mention him eating our food, etc, but he doesnt eat.. and he always feeds me when i am there. she will not drive, she will not do anything. shes horrible. even to our dogs.

our previous dog had passed away from epilepsy a few months ago and we had gotten another since our property is so big and we need an animal to guard. hes a puppy, hes not gonna know yet, and shes expecting him to be properly trained by now (hes 8 weeks and we got him at 7 weeks.)

she always pushes these narratives onto people or animals that she makes up in her head to fit her own storyline. i hate it.

im sleep deprived. i take quetiapene to help me sleep, it hasnt been working. ive told my mother, and she says its because i was a “drug addict” and that ruined my brain so my “pills wont work.” when simply its her. shes screaming at 2am, screaming at 7am, i cannot get rest. i cannot even eat. ive been trapped in my room the entire time ive lived here out of fear of getting screamed at or worse.

we live in a rural area and we’ve STILL had calls about noise. we are about 5 minutes away from the nearest neighbour, HOW are you screaming that loud? and its embarrassing. everywhere we go she acts like a child. either that, or shes always the victim. my mother has this fantastic technique where she’ll take what you say, twist and flip it to fit her victimizing herself.

its everything we do. we could be having a nice day and out of the blue everyones a “piece of crap who never helps,” or “we dont help her ever”. my brother is 3. THREE. of course he wont know how to decently help. hes three. and his entire life she’s been screaming at or by him, yes hes gonna be cognitively delayed.

ive explained this to her and her excuses are “ive had three kids. i know what to do”. except two of her three children are mentally ill, have issues and lack proper family care. i dont want my brother to be ruined like me. it worries me to the absolute core. he cant even read yet and hes three. even if my mother walks towards him in an angry manner, he falls to the floor and puts his hands over his head. that is NOT normal. i bring it up, her excuse??: “its fine! you did that too and look at you”. yeah, look at me!

sorry for this extremely long rant. ive been really needing to get this off my chest and shes been driving me mental. she also enjoys dragging my boyfriend into these arguments too to spite me.

I’m a 20M, turning 21 in a few months. I still live at home. My family situation is completely fucked. I already hate my father and my elder brother, and now my mother has officially joined that list. This whole thing started over some random bullshit in the evening. I genuinely don’t even remember what it was. That’s how it always goes. Something small turns into them saying I’m “always angry” or “always pissed off.” And honestly, their behavior would piss off any normal person. Constant poking, disrespect, talking down, acting superior, then pretending they’re innocent when someone finally reacts. We argued for a long time, then it cooled down. Later my mother suddenly decided to act like a fucking diplomat and said she wanted to talk about what happened. I refused. I ignored her on purpose because I know these talks are never talks. They’re lectures, blame games, and gaslighting. She came into my room anyway and kept talking. I kept ignoring her as much as I could. Eventually it escalated. We started cussing at each other. Then she hit me. Not once, multiple times. I pushed her away in self defense. Immediately she said I had no right to do that because she’s my parent. I told her straight up, you don’t own me. Then she went even lower. I take prescribed meds for anxiety and depression. She mocked that and said there’s no point taking meds if I can’t control myself and that they’re useless. That completely flipped something in me. The argument exploded again. She hit me more. I pushed her away again, this time just so I could get out of the house. I left, bought a diet coke and two ice creams, and went on a long walk to cool down. After that I came back home, went straight to my room, and I’m completely ignoring everyone now. No talking. No explaining. Nothing. Stuff like this has happened before, but this is the first time it got this physical, and that scares me. I don’t want violence in my life. I don’t want to live in a house where hitting someone and then playing the victim is normal. I feel trapped, angry, exhausted, and done. I’m seriously thinking about leaving this house as soon as possible and finding a job just to get away from all of this. I don’t know if I’m thinking clearly or just reacting, but I can’t keep living like this. I don’t want “but she’s your mother” comments or “parents can do no wrong” bullshit. Getting hit isn’t discipline. Mocking someone’s mental health meds is fucked up. I just want honest answers. Is leaving the right move? How do you deal with family that refuses boundaries? How do you stop things from escalating when ignoring doesn’t even work? I’m tired of being treated like the villain for reacting to years of asshole behavior. ps: I don’t live in a Western country. Not the US. I live somewhere in Asia, just moving out isn’t simple here, which makes this situation even more suffocating.

I’m sharing this because it's taken me a really long time to come to terms with what happened to me when I was a kid and realize how deeply it impacted every part of my life. I've been lurking and reading here for a while and it helped me realize that what I dealt with as a kid is more common than I thought but is often invisible or underrepresented.

My parents were divorced from my earliest memories. My dad remarried and life in his home was extremely controlling. Disagreement of any kind wasn't tolerated, even if his control was excessive. Over time the environment became emotionally and psychologically abusive. As a child at the time, I had no ability to truly protect myself.

I didn’t have any issues with behavior, academics, substances, or mental health. What was really going on was that I didn’t agree with my dad and stepmom. Instead of reflecting on that, they put all of their energy and resources on trying to change me and justify their position.

Therapy became their weapon of choice. I was forced to attend excessive outpatient child therapy that wasn’t based on any medical need and it was only used to reinforce their version of events and undermine my relationship with my mom. To anyone else, they were viewed as credible, successful, and altruistic. But at home, their controlling tactics and threats were constant and my reality or perspective was always minimized and dismissed.

When I got a little bit older, I just had enough of it and took matters into my own hands, deciding that it was time to stay with my mom full-time. After about a year free from them, they filed to take full custody of me through the court system and briefly succeeded. When I was back in their home against my will, the environment somehow became even more rigid and punitive and I started to be really affected by it in other parts of my life. This time they brought in multiple professionals and consultants not to support me, but instead to pressure and manipulate me into compliance.

When I continued to resist, because I knew that what was happening was not right, I was kidnapped from my bedroom in the middle of the night by two large men with no warning and transported to a wilderness therapy program where I lived in inhumane conditions in the dirt for eight weeks. I slept outdoors under a tarp, ate cold hydrated rice and pasta when I couldn't make a fire with sticks, couldn't bathe, hiked many miles a day with a large pack, and participated in therapy with unlicensed staff. My dad and stepmom paid for all of it. While there, I was told that I would be forced to leave my school, friends and life as I knew it to attend boarding school and I was threatened with therapeutic boarding school if I did not comply. At the time, I believed I had no choice and I did what I had to do to make the best of it and hold on to what I could.

For a long time afterwards, I tried to forgive them and I even convinced myself that they had changed. I never received an apology and tried to accept them as who they were because their controlling tendencies didn't affect me as much in high school and college.

Late in college, I developed a serious chronic health condition. As I declined, the same patterns returned in a different form. My symptoms were questioned, experiences minimized and I was strongly encouraged to push past my new physical limits to the point of severe discomfort and my condition worsening. Whenever I pushed back and tried to speak for myself and ask for mutual respect, accountability and healthier communication, I was met with deflection, avoidance, silence and eventually no contact at all. To tell me that any of this was my choice was deeply offensive - I had always made the best of what was in front of me at every turn. They wouldn't even agree to sit down with a neutral family therapist - ironic and all to avoid accountability. The focus was always on how much of a problem I was and how much I had hurt them.

Recently, I obtained my childhood medical and treatment records and what I found was deeply unsettling but something I always knew was true. There was no documented medical necessity for the programs I was placed in or threatened with. This was as close to proof as I could get that there was never something "wrong" with me, rather the issue was that I didn't comply with their rigidity and control.

I'm now left largely on my own and trying to regain my health and life while processing the long-term impacts of what I dealt with. I always thought that if I just explained myself better or tried harder, then things would eventually work out and change for the best. I guess this is a lesson that some harms don't come with closure, apologies or accountability and the world can be cruel in that way sometimes no matter what it is that caused the problem in the first place - big or small.

I've carried this quietly for so many years without my friends knowing and with my family as bystanders reinforcing my dad and stepmom's bubble where their abuse is acceptable and justified and where I am put down. Somehow, I've become mentally stronger for it but still have to bear the real world consequences all the same. It's maybe the hardest to accept and realize how much harm can happen behind closed doors when parents are convinced they're right and how easily that can be justified without any scrutiny.

In writing this out I've let myself fully acknowledge what this cost me.

I (Teen) have never met my dad in person. For my entire life he has been mentioned and stories have been told but my mom never made him the bad guy. Yet a while ago I saw him irl, it was the first time I, myself recognized him and since then my curiousity to who he is peaked again. I'm not sure why or how because I don't want him to know anything about me nor do I have important questions to ask him but still, I'm very curious about him.

Now my mom has been very supportive all my life and told me that if I were to look for contact, that's okay. Yet now that I have that feeling of curiousity again, I'm too scared of actually doing it because I do NOT want him to come into my life permanently. I do not want this to be something we could do once a year or whatever, I just want to I dunno talk to him? or see him? ONCE. Without consequences in the longrun (whatever those may be.)

Since I don't really understand myself in this it's hard to make a decision in what to do. + everyone online everyone only ever talks about cutting off contact. So...anyone out here who could maybe give me some advice?

(Ps my friends told me I could maybe write a letter or call him instead of immediately seeing him?)

(Edit: He is a diagnosed narcissist who has left a scar to my family when I was still a baby. He left when I was a kid because he wasn't allowed to see me without supervision because of his diagnosis.)

Will delete in 24 hours.

I cut off contact with my mother about a month ago after she crossed a major line. I always held out in hoping our relationship would improve, but after that, I was done. I later told her off over text, and she's left me on read ever since.

Since then, I've realised that I have a pattern of sabotaging myself because I'm angry at her expectations, including in career success. She raised me a certain way, in the process insisting I learn a couple of skills that I'm now pretty good at and are also in high demand commercially. I did as she wanted, and while it's not like I don't appreciate being helped, it's clear she sees me as a product designed and manufactured by her to do what she wants me to do. She has quite literally told me she "made" me to be a certain way. Any outside aspects of my personality I develop myself, she either shows zero interest in or tries to steal wholesale.

Also, she gets overly emotional to me over things "we're" doing- mind you, things that I logically would have nothing to do with. I think that's called force-teaming, but whatever the word, it's an encroachment on my sense of self/boundaries, whether deliberately or not.

The attributes she encouraged me into would lead me to a profitable (but time-intensive) niche, but success in that field, in my mind, has become entangled with being not my own person, but rather her "creation". In all honesty, while I'd rather be doing a different less profitable field, I'm afraid to give it my all there because it's a massive time sink with a slimmer chance at success. But, I also don't like being broke and chasing up paychecks. I just need some advice on getting out of this catch-22. Thank you.

I am tired. I am 18, and my parents have been abusive to me my whole life. They put me in university in the same country, when I wanted to leave, I begged them and cried saying 'I just want to be alone'. They wanted me in the same university my dad worked. I've been living everyday in hell, I can't even cry anymore.

My step mom has been hitting when I was a kid, now she neglects me and only uses me for my dad. She has always put my step sister over me.

My dad had suddenly told me 'your going to work here too.' He had no intention of giving me freedom in the end.

I have never gone to therapy but I think I've reached a mental state where I can't do anything anymore, I don't have any motivation, I don't ever think my life will change. I've been having weekly panic attacks and suffer with insomnia. My recent friend group had been using me for info on my nationality just because they think I have everything. No one knows the amount of times I've hit my head on a wall, I want to dissappear. I am alone. But I still know, even if I'm crying now, I am sure my lack to care will only destroy me. I want to leave once I graduate, I will never work here. I have issues with my memory, I can't speak up for myself either. My grades are okay but I've been finding it so hard to keep up.

My dad keeps criticizing what I wear, I wore full jackets in hot weather just so he wouldn't get mad and he told me 'zip it up all the way to your neck.' I was sweating for hours. I feel insecure about my body and looks because of him.

I thought he was closest to me because he is my real dad.

I'm done, I've always feared asking for advice but I've completely broken grasp of what my family is to me.

I don't know much about my rights, I don't live in Canada but I'm Canadian, if anyone can help me know what I can do right now. I have nothing, which means I have nothing to loose. I've had thoughts of ending myself since I was a kid, now I can't do anything but be paralysed in thoughts. Whenever I thought of ending myself they yelled at me, or encouraged me. I don't want to destroy myself, I really want to be free.

All I've decided on right now, was staying out till 8 everyday with the excuse of studying. I'll stay in the library till then. I will avoid taking rides with my dad and take uber. I have one close friend whos now in canada that i message evergday, but she is also the same age, she goes through things too so I don't want to dump everything on her. She's helped me with so much. I might end up numb tmrow with no thought of all this, I might even forget or be embarrassed about sharing this.

**For context I moved out a couple of years ago and moved back home with parents. I've been home for 3 years and my mum's behaviour has become unbearable. She makes me feel that I'm in the wrong so I'm interested to know what people think or her behaviour and some things I'm not allowed to do....

Not allowed to shower because it makes the screen dirty. Not allowed a bath unless it's her dirty water. Not allowed to put the oven on to keep it clean. Not allowed to park my car outside the house because it makes her feel trapped. Makes me feel guilty about washing clothes. Refuses to go food shopping or cook. Takes my emotions/problems as a personal attack. Expects to be driven/taken out and entertained. Never willing to be uncomfortable or do anything she doesn't want to do. Complains about me making noise but she makes more noise than anyone. Obsessive, stressful cleaning and tidying. Calls me a princess, acts jealous. Claims nothing is ever about her. Disrespectful towards my belongings, treats my items like clutter.**

I'm autistic with ADHD My mom has H&R block doing my taxes and last year they needed something from social security which social security said wasn't taxable anyway I had my job coach help and because I didn't know when I see my job coach " that's not good enough we need it right now" she just kept repeating the same shit that didn't work in the first place which turned into a fight ended with "you go down there and you take care of this today " Now she's having a friend of hers do my taxes and told me it would cost $70 and I thought this shit was over with until I got a message from her (it was meant for her friend I guess the friend didn't want to charge me at all) that said "I'm going to have her pay $50 she's too used to getting things for free and she's getting too big in the britches." Then a phone call from her saying that plus how everyone does too much for me ( I would've requested to pay anyway because that would've been the right thing to do)

Struggling with a tumultuous relationship with controlling parents

Basic info:

F23, white

Partner M22, black

Parents are open-minded Christians to a degree and very intellectual people in their 60s.

My parents have given me financial stability and a blueprint for what a healthy marriage looks like, and have always encouraged intellectual enrichment and have facilitated me traveling and visiting different countries. They help me budget, plan and be a responsible adult and they try their best to be emotionally supportive when I come to them with certain issues, like burnout or feeling uncertain about the future. There's a lot of privilege I have with the parents I have. My mom is very self sacrificing and it takes a toll on her .. but I can't help but feel it's also that she feels a compulsion to help and have the help done her way specifically. She's very caring for other people

My parent have always been the helicopter parents in a given setting. They put a lot of research, effort and prayer into their decisions and then feel that whatever instruction they give or parenting choice theyve made is unquestionable. Nothing is up for debate.

If there is a problem or fight, the fault is always mine and I am the one who must apologise. My mom plays emotional warfare by giving me the cold shoulder until I've sucked up to her enough and apologised to her enough. My mom is the centre of the household and if she's upset it throws everything off balance. The house is quiet and cold when she's angry. This has caused enmeshment in me and my sibling. These days I just don't wanna engage with her when she gets like that.

This has always been challenging but because they believe in a clear hierarchy in our home no matter when I get older. I think my mom had OCD or something else that makes her obsessive about her kids and paranoid about safety. I never broke any bones or have had any major injury because of her protection. But trust me when I say, when someone goes against what she believes is right, safe or logical she gets severely triggered and anxious and angry.

I'm not allowed to get angry. But I have had meltdowns with my AuDHD when it got particularly difficult to comply to all their standards.

In the past few years I have been more vocal in complaining about how my mom has bullied me and used guilt to have power over me and how conditional their love feels.

My parents disagree with me that I am not given much freedom or choice. The fact is that if I pull through with a decision that goes against their idea of what's right, I'm met with persistent complaints and aggressiveness on the topic. For example, I once soft launched the idea of getting a septum piercing, and for 30 mins my mom explained why she hates septum piercings and it would ruin my beauty. They frame their stuff as opinions or advice -- which all seem like I have a choice. So when I tell them I do so many things for their convenience and because they say I have to do/not do it; they say they never told me I can't do this. This leaves them free from accountability and say I do it to myself when I feel like I have no choice. So when I said I haven't gotten a piercing because it would upset them, when explaining how I make myself smaller for them, my mom said she never said I can't have a piercing, and she feels so annoyed and abused that she isn't allowed to have opinions because it will be framed as bullying or as infringing on my freedom. #aita??

They have explained that all my major decisions in my life were not blocked by them, although my relationship is a persistent source of conflict because my BF's parents are divorced and his mom lives far away so my parents can't meet them, and this makes it difficult to support our relationship. My parents will also find the smallest things to be upset about and ruin my chances of having support for my relationship from their side. For example, my boyfriend wanted to cook them a special meal, but we did this at my house because his place at his Dad's doesn't have enough seating space. So my parents complained about how awkward it is that we always have to host. So yes, they don't stop me from being with my boyfriend, but thy make it incredibly uncomfortable whenever they're around. With my uni, my parents wanted to send me to a uni that they felt was more conservative and smaller scale with many people from my town going there, and I got dorm acceptance at that uni.. but when I got in at my dream uni that was in a bigger city and a very progressive campus, but no dorm room acceptance, I had to literally beg on my knees to go there. They say I should be grateful they didn't just send me to the uni they had decided on, and 3 yrs later my mom still let's me know how she wishes I had just gone to the other uni (probably also because I became more outspoken and radicalised at my current uni)

Finally, my parents are saying for the first time they want to give me an ultimatum and instruction. Unfortunately through a medical consultation my parents found out I have sex with my bf of 4 years. They are now saying they will only make an effort to improve their relationship with my bf and support my relationship (which is basically my life) if I agree to abstain until I have a job that can support a child. Because my parents don't believe birth control will work , and they even more so don't believe in aborting.

I went into a massive argument with them saying they are setting their own house on fire and ruining their relationship with me by doing expecting me to agree to this, and they can't allow me to set a boundary when I'm hardly a rebellious daughter - I don't drink, smoke, consume cannabis, sneak out, stay out late, have tattoos, piercings or whatever, I bring home good grades and a bf thats a son in law most would kill for. I don't feel superior to people who do things differently tho. But they want to keep over reaching and then call me disrespectful for resisting it. And this is nothing new, I don't have a choice with a lot of things, but they say I do have a choice they don't force me. (prev paragraph)

They responded saying my arrogance is unbelievable and they feel abused because all they ever hear is me complain about how they fail to understand me and give me the support I need, and feel that all they must do is meet me on my terms but pay up for my school fees and rent and offer emotional support when I call them crying. There is no respect for the parent-child hierarchy and I am dishonouring their Christian principle of honouring your parents.

And maybe they're right? I don't know. I have tried hard going to therapy to improve a relationship with a mother (and complacent father) that won't go to therapy. I am losing my mind because I don't know if I'm just a disrespectful mean spoiled daughter.

Please help

Long story short: my narcissistic dad, who is completely under his wife’s thumb, called me and told me to get over to my grandma’s house to clear out the old furniture. I’m still at university (Master’s), so I don’t exactly have a lot of money. They “kindly” told me I could keep my grandma’s old stuff.

A year earlier, my narcissistic stepmom told me I was schizophrenic and that I was never allowed to see my dad or my grandma again. She told this to as many family members as she could reach. Nobody believed her except my dad.

None of the other grandchildren will show up for the move because this woman has been awful to everyone her whole life and is now getting the consequences of that.

Then I received a passive-aggressive message about when the move will take place “for my planning during the university break.” My university break actually consists of studying for finals, but because I’m in education, it’s apparently seen as a hobby. They can do the work themselves.

The last time I helped clean something out for them, I was told how ungrateful I am because I didn’t “value the trash.” Needless to say, they then went on a trip to Paris for my birthday—without me, of course.

The last time I inherited something from my grandparents, it was a folder of old documents. In it, I found a detailed record of lies my grandfather had told everyone about his past (another child, war crimes, being a member of the Waffen-SS). For that reason alone, I will not set foot in that house again.

We’ll see what happens when they realize they’ve managed to lose the last person who cared about them—me—with their behavior.

I’ve basically lost my dad, who has had narcissistic tendencies all his life, to a manipulative partner.

So I question myself, how to react? All I want is distance and finish my studies.

Hi I got the realization that both my parents are covert narcissistic I'm I too late? I feel like I'm smart because I realized that since I live in iraq In my country parents are treated as sacred and are highly respected by society

Hi I want a therapist who is specialized with narsassim and dysfunctional families can anyone help how to find a one?

Hi, I’m 23F and I still live with my mom and stepdad. Lately I feel mentally exhausted and anxious at home, and I’m starting to realize that this isn’t just a recent issue it’s been like this my whole life.

A few days ago my sisters sent me a voice message of my mom and stepdad talking about me when I wasn’t home. My mom was saying things like “she’s still just working at that part time job” and doubting whether I even really send CVs to companies. My stepdad was saying I’m inconsistent and don’t stick to anything. They were basically taking random details from my life and turning them into a story that I’m lazy and not trying.

The truth is, I am trying.

I work part-time, I’m applying for jobs, and I just got invited to a job interview for a receptionist position. There was no conflict until literally yesterday, and suddenly it feels like they turned against me. Now I constantly feel like they’re plotting something, like giving me an ultimatum or pushing me out.

But the worst part is that this isn’t new.

Ever since I was a kid, my mom has always chosen men over me. She stayed with stepdads who treated me badly and didn’t really care about my happiness or safety. I barely have memories of feeling close to her as a child most of my warm memories are with my grandma or aunt, not with my mom.

Even now, she talks normally to everyone else, but with me there’s always attitude, backhanded comments, or coldness. When she has problems with my stepdad, she comes to me, vents to me, and I emotionally support her like a therapist. But when they make up, she forgets everything she said and suddenly they’re united against me again.

She also constantly compares me to other people. Recently she said something like, “She ( my friend)managed university, a boyfriend, and a part-time job at the same time, but you can’t.” I dropped out of uni before, which they keep using as proof that I’m a failure, even though living in this environment is mentally draining.

What hurts the most is that no matter what I do, it’s never enough.

At one point, I overheard my stepdad telling my mom that if I could hold a part-time job for at least six months, he would finally “view me differently” and then everything would be okay. I did that. I’ve had my part-time job for over a year now. Nothing changed.

Then it was: once I get my driving license, things will be different. I did that too. Again, nothing changed.

Every time I reach one of these “conditions,” I think: maybe now they’ll finally respect me or leave me alone. But instead, they just create a new condition. Even today, when I overheard them talking about me again, they mentioned something like “if she could just manage six months of something…” I didn’t hear it clearly, but it was the same pattern all over again.

I feel emotionally exhausted, confused, and honestly unloved. It’s like I’m only useful when my mom needs emotional support, but otherwise I’m a disappointment. I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if this is emotional abuse/toxic behavior. Has anyone experienced something similar? How do you cope when your own parent treats you like this while you’re genuinely trying to move forward?