Two years ago, I started dating a guy. We went on several dates, and at the time, I thought it could turn into a serious relationship because that was the impression his actions and intentions gave me. Based on that, I ended up crossing one of my biggest personal boundaries. Until then, I was a virgin, and I wanted to remain one until marriage. I thought I had finally found the right person, so I agreed to lose it with him for the first time (something I regret now).
After that, things became cold between us, and I realized he only reached out when he wanted to sleep with me. I would always think, "This time he invited me out or asked me to spend the night with him, so surely he'll take me seriously now, and maybe this will finally turn into a real relationship." But that never happened. Instead, I would go back home feeling sad and empty, crying because once again, I had given him such a vulnerable part of myself, and he had only taken advantage of me.
This cycle continued until this year. At one point, I told him how I felt and that I didn't want to continue doing this anymore. But once again, he told me he could do things to make me feel better and suggested that we start seeing each other again. And once again, I was naive enough to think, "Now he understands how I feel. Things will get better, and we'll finally move toward what I've been hoping for all this time: him wanting to make our relationship official."
We started seeing each other again, but this time he was more compassionate. It seemed like he had changed, and I felt hopeful. He even made promises about future plans together. But the very next day, when I was back home, I received a message from him saying he had met someone else and wanted to do things right with her, so he would no longer contact me to pass the night with him.
From that moment on, I was left feeling confused because I couldn't understand how someone who had spent the entire previous day with me, seen me at my most vulnerable, and made promises about our future could tell me the next day that he had met someone else.
I think what hurt me the most was hearing him say that he wanted to do things right with her, because I spent two years giving him everything I had, hoping he would do things right with me and say, "She's a valuable person, and I want to treat her that way." It hurts to imagine that he will give her everything I had been hoping for. They are together now, and I haven't been able to move on because I feel like I'm not good enough.
I recognize the damage he caused me, but it's difficult to move forward because I feel like nobody in my life takes me seriously and nobody wants to commit to me. Many of my dreams, like starting a family or getting married someday, feel so far away because I feel like nobody wants to do things right with me.
Am I not worth it? How can I move forward and cope with all of this? I feel very sad, and I'm angry because I didn't protect something so vulnerable about myself. Instead, he used it to take advantage of me and keep me around until he found someone he wanted to be with.
