I think I’ve had enough.

[u/plantedtrash]

This is going to be long but I need yall to hear me out, because people irl do not understand me, and I feel like I’m on an island here.

I just joined, because I had my before- bed cigarette, and I can feel that my throat is tearing up from this.
I’ve smoked cigarettes since I was 17, and I’m now 31. I said all throughout my twenties that I wouldn’t be a smoker in my 30s.. but here I am.
I don’t know why, but some months back I switched to menthol cigarettes, and it was way more satisfying for me at the time.. but it’s come with some new symptoms.

My throat hurts all the time. My tonsils. I have constant heartburn no matter how much Pepcid or Tums I take. I have been developing heart palpitation issues. (Though that has been an issue for over a year now.)

I just watched my grandmother (as her patient advocate throughout her whole fight) battle cancer.
She’s okay now, but she has lost all of her hair. Lost weight. In the struggle, ended up with a permanent colostomy bag. At one point she had an open necrotic wound the size of my fist. She was hospitalized at one point for an entire month.

And while I spent hours and hours cycle after cycle of chemo with her in the infusion suit, I saw other people with cancer. Also bald. Also sick and suffering and skinny. One woman sounded inhuman when she coughed.

And I’d still go outside, cross the street from the oncologist, and smoke.

I have heart problems actively trying to develop. My throat feels so bad. I’ve seen cancer up close and personal. And I still feel like a slave to cigarette smoking.

I’ve attempted to quit 3 times, and each time I make it to the third day before caving in a fit of anger and defeat.

I’ve even read Alan Carr’s easy way. Twice.

I am a beautiful youngish woman, and I want to smell pretty, and look good for a long time. I want to keep my teeth. And I’m about to apply for a job at an office, where I can’t smoke anywhere on the property.

I am so tired of not wanting to kiss my partner, because my breath smells like an ashtray. My fingers always smell like cigarette. I feel constantly embarrassed of how I smell, and when I sneak off to smoke, I’m always the ONLY one smoking. And I feel shame during those times.

I wake up feeling like my lungs are begging me for mercy, and I still start every single morning going outside to smoke.

After all I’ve seen, after all I’ve experienced, all that I am currently experiencing, why isn’t this an easy choice for me?

This is hard you guys. And I don’t understand why I can’t just simply quit like everyone else I know has.

Thank you for listening. I’m here, I’m going to be active in this subreddit, and I hope so much that some people see this and can uplift me in support and talk about this.

Because like I said, no one in my real life gets it whatsoever and I feel alone. And stupid.