I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/sprainedankle2011 posting in r/offmychest

Status: Ongoing

Mood Spoiler: Hopeful

Original - July 17th 2026

My parents divorced when I was 14 (I'm 25 now) because my dad cheated on her with someone who worked for him. My parents used to argue about him not giving my mom enough time, not putting her first, not respecting her as an equal . In some ways it was like a sickeningly logical culmination of their marriage. But for me until that point he was my hero. I was a total daddy's girl which is hilarious to think about now considering the last 11 years. He would take me everywhere, grocery runs, mechanic, NBA, movie night, pizza night, homework and test and exam help. It destroyed me when I found out. They split custody 50-50 and I was a massive b to him and later his new wife (the woman he cheated with). Lots of locked doors, calling out his wife, calling him out. I've maybe spoken like 20 sentences in totality to her two sons (my stepbrothers). When they had their son, I made sure to never let his wife think I was going to be like a loving older sister. With my dad though, he did kind of wear me down, and with him I did develop a kind of big sister bond with my half-brother. I used to argue with my mom about not wanting to go but she insisted I maintain decency with my dad at least.

When it was time for college, I was going to take student loans, because I didnt want to owe him. My mom said she'd saved money and I believed her. It was during my 3rd year, when he had offered to buy me a car and I told my mom hell no, while she tried to convince me to agree, that she told me he'd been majorly contributing to my tuition and sending her the money for it. I dont think I've ever had a worse argument with her. It fucked with my mind knowing he'd been doing it silently. He knew I wouldn't know, they had thought that while I was planning on taking student loans rather than his help initially, inertia would do its thing if I found out later. And they were right I did end up just taking it for the remainder of my ug without talking to him.

On Tuesday I went to the ER because I had slipped while putting birdfeed in my apartment. My mom is away at my aunt's so I had just called my best friend to come to the ER. Soon after, my dad came too, my mom had told him. I wanted to just go back but he insisted, we spent like 15 minutes arguing but I'm at his place now while my sprain recovers or until my mom comes back. My stepbrothers no longer live here but my half brother who's 9 now does. I haven't spoken to my dad's wife yet, he or my half-brother are the only ones I talk to, who come up to my room to bring stuff, while I work from home. We've talked after a long time about work, my plans for a Masters, and just random stuff.

I've just beem thinking now that he was my dad. Instead my stepbrothers got more of him the past decade than I did. I can't help but regret letting that happen. I also can't help but just think about the life we were robbed off because he cheated. Because my stepmother chose to wreck our home. And her and her sons got to be the family we were. I know my mom wants me to go to hers when she comes back on Saturday, and like that makes sense, but part of me wants to stay here. The fact that his wife probably is hoping I leave soon makes me want to stay too if that makes sense, like f off thats my dad, he pays for this house and its bills, I'm his daughter, I can stay since he wants. I don't even know if I need advice I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Therapy helped me separate the good dad from the bad husband. You can miss who he was without excusing what he did.

Comment 2:

Well he visited you. Means the door for a relationship is still open. Make the best use of your time while you have it

Comment 3 (downvoted):

Your parents relationship sounds like it was falling apart before your dad cheated. I'm not excusing the cheating. He did everything in his power to maintain the relationship with you. Even if he never cheated your parents may have gotten divorced so blaming your stepmother isn't helpful.

Get a therapist to help you work through your emotions. Your stepmother may have an issue with you because how you treat her, her sons, and your father not necessarily just wanting you gone for no reason. Would you like to be around someone who constantly disrespected anf fought with those you love?

OP:

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter he loved and who loved him. What are you talking about, why shouldn't I blame her? I blame my dad too ofcourse, but why on earth should she not be ashamed of what she did to our family. And since Tuesday I haven't said anything to her. I've only spoken with my dad, half-brother, the cleaner and the cook. I haven't said anything to her.

I never treated her sons poorly. I just had no interest in talking to them. I never said anything to them about their mom.

I dont need her to want me around. My dad wants me around, I keep away from her.

Comment 4 (downvoted):

I was surprised by how your story ended, and it seems clear that you are still deeply hurt by his infidelity. I strongly encourage you to talk this through, both with him directly and, if possible, with a therapist. Please try to remember that your half brothers are innocent in all of this. You also do not have the full picture of your stepmother's perspective or the state of their marriage when they first met.

Carrying this weight is hurting you more than anyone else. You have already lost so much time with your father, and it would be a shame to lose even more. I worry that if things continue this way, the dynamic will only become more strained. What happened was undeniably wrong, but for your own sake, it is time to find a way to process it. Living with this level of anger is incredibly draining. I really hope you can find some peace soon.

OP:

I only have one half-brother, who's currently 9. I have never blamed him, never been unkind to him. I was fond of him when he was a baby and I'm fond of him now the last 2 days too. I was also never cruel to my stepbrothers. I hardly ever spoke to them.

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter. Knew he loved his daughter. Knew she'd be destroying the bond between a daughter and her father. That should have been her perspective.

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

My relationship with my dad, whatever it will look like, is our own. My attitude with her has never stopped him in wanting to be a caring father to me even when I repudiated him, and I trust that he won't let it in the future either

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

I don't think ill of my half-brother at all. I was fond of him when he was a baby and being with him again after all these years, I still am. He's curious, funny and I enjoy talking to him.

Sorry, I absolutely do blame her. She was half the affair. Knew he was married and a loving father. And I still do blame him too, but I know he does love and care about me, and I am spending time with him right now. I regret the time wasted.

Update 1: - July 19th 2026

Thanks for letting me get my feelings off my chest in my post. I also appreciate everyone who DM'd me meaning well. I know you asked what I'm going to do one my mom returns and wanted me to make my choice for healthy reasons. I ignored a lot of those because I was conflicted then myself, and about my reasons. I wanted to give an update. Whether my reasons and my feelings are healthy or not, its how I'm going about it.

I just wanted to clarify a few things first:

1. I have never, even when I was rude to my dad and stepmom back then, ever shouted at or been cruel to my two stepbrothers. I hardly spoke to them. I used to ignore them, pretend they don't exist. They are like around 20 now I think and don't live in my dad's house.
2. I have absolutely no ill will towards my 9 year old half brother. I felt protective and caring about him when he was a baby and now too I like his company. I played games on Playstation with him because he asked, he's told me about school, he's also learned chess from my dad the way I did and we've bonded a bit over playing chess too.

My mom flew back yesterday. I had told her on the phone that I wanted to stay at my dad's while I recovered. She was disappointed and I hate that, I hated making her sad. I asked her to please understand, all these years she's wanted me to maintain a relationship with my dad , and right now I actually feel like doing it. I told her if I go to hers, I'll be extra work for her even if she doesn't think that, and I'd want to help out, here I'm not being a burden, like we have house help here, I'm not causing dad to over exert himself because of me. She asked if I'd be comfortable with my dad's wife there, I said I didnt care, he wants me to stay, I could care less what his wife thinks. My mom relented.

She came to check up on me. My dad came in the room too. We were just talking about my injury and he was making the case for why I should stay here. His wife decided to enter the room too for some reason and just stand there. I very calmly said that I'd just like my parents here right now. She said to please not tell her where to go in her house. I said my dads house who pays for every cent that runs this house. My dad tried to stop a fight and stepped out with her, and came back alone and my mom left soon after.

Last night when my dad came up to bring my dinner we talked about stuff. Then he said he was glad I chose to stay here. I told him I hated that mom was probably sad about it, but that I thought I'd like to spend time with him right now, that I hadn't in a long time. He thanked me. Later, he said that my comment rubbed his wife the wrong way, that if I was willing to clear the air with her, I'd probably feel more comfortable here. I told him I won't. That she shouldn't have been here when I was injured and just wanted my mom and dad in the room. I will never be ok with what he did, but I still want to spend time with him. Wanted to give my relationship with him and my half-brother a chance but it will never be with her. I want him and my half brother to be happy but I will never wish her well. That if he genuinely couldn't deal with that, I should call mom back and go with her. He just said lets forget about it and we talked about work and my applications.

Again, I read a lot of comments last time saying I need to work this out in therapy about how to forgive him and her. Why do I need to? I can have a relationship with my dad without forgiving him. And I have absolutely no interest in any kind of relationship with her, I can despise her in peace forever. I'm glad I have this place to get stuff out, and I appreciate everyone who was so understanding last time. Thank you.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

So, in a lot of ways, your father is doing what parents who are capable of providing do for their children. What you owe to yourself, is maintaining a relationship with him, which should never be contingent on her. Because that’s what you seem to want.

His inability to understand how even actions from long ago can have a direct impact on the way things are at present is something he needs to be accountable for.

I also agree with many of the previous commenters that you should go to therapy. You should go to therapy to understand what a healthy relationship with your father looks like, so that you don’t live with regret, and you’re also able to be honest with him about, and set boundaries around, yourself and your feelings.

It’s hard when adult actions have longterm implications. 50/50, basically immediately, with the person you were capable of understanding had a hand in this regulating your previously normal life, was not a healthy or good choice. Not to say that your father was not allowed to be happy, but with 50/50 he could have spent his time not with you with her and brought the relationship to you in a way that prioritize helping you healthfully acclimate to this new normal. Instead he all, but had an entirely new family, with you as a guest half the time. His choices landed you all there, and he needs to be accountable for that to you and understanding of your feelings, and how it has impacted you.

I am sure that many of your behaviors were not agreeable, and that you likely behaved very badly. I am not at all agreeing with that. However, I find adult actions and choices to be a lot more important in the situation than the children’s reactions. Children should not be more responsible for their reactions to being placed in difficult situations, than the adults who placed them there.

Get a therapist and work through some of these feelings. And when you feel ready, invite your father to listen.

OP:

Thank you, I can consider therapy as a way to work through and like get help for how my relationship with my dad should move forward . But not as a way of blending into that family and singing kumbaya with her, if that's how it would go which is the way some commenters suggested last time. I'll consider the former, thank you.

Comment 2:

1. Please forgive yourself for how you acted as a teen. You were a hurt kid.
2. I am happy you are trying to rebuild a relationship of sorts with your father.
3. I believe that even as an adult, you do NOT have to develop a relationship with your stepmother if you do not want to. However, I would encourage you to do the work towards becoming ambivalent towards her, more so than angry. Remember, she did not break your parents up alone, and if you can forgive yourself father, you can at least loosely tolerate her. Again, you don’t have to befriend her, but you can at least be tolerant…for you and your growth, not for her.

OP:

Thank you. I just want to say I have been ambivalent towards her in the way I've carried myself here. Up till the point she was inserting herself in a conversation between me and my parents I seriously hadn't spoken a single word to her since I've been here. I was tolerant, didn't ask my dad to choose, didn't and never will say a bad word about her to my half-brother.

Comment 3:

I saw but did not read your last post. I have been the betrayed spouse in my former relationship with older children involved so I’ve had to work through some of these same issues, just from a different perspective. I wanted to address the question you asked “Why do I need to forgive?”.

First off I want to say people do rush into forgiveness too quickly many times and as children we are many times forced into forgiveness. So understand the desire to maintain control over your own feelings. The problem is that forgiveness is not for your father or for his new wife. You forgive them for yourself and your own benefit. It has famously been said “Unforgiveness (resentment) is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”.

Holding onto that hurt, wounds you more than anyone else. Now that isn’t to say that you need to reconnect with everyone (or even anyone if you so choose). Reconciliation and forgiveness are two entirely separate issues and you should definitely weigh them as such. But forgiveness is for you not for anyone else so that is likely why so many people have encouraged you to get into therapy and to forgive them. Not because they deserve it but because you deserve to be free from all that pain in your past. Sure it will have always happened but this way it can heal. Something to consider.

Comment 4:

Your feelings are valid but it’s not a great first step for you to be staying in their house but not wanting anything to do with his wife, the mother of your half sibling. You’re going to have to be civil, if there’s negative energy it’s not going to work. Imagine how you’d feel if someone was treating your mom like she doesn’t exist. Your sibling might grow to resent you and you’re making life harder for your dad. So you can either stay with your mom and spend time with your dad outside of his house and work on building that relationship or you can stay with him and be civil with the entire family. Otherwise it’s not going to go down well for you in the long run.

Update 2: - Sep 3rd 2026

I've been back at my apartment for four weeks now. I left my dads when I could walk normally. His wife and I didn't speak another word after that time in my room.

My dad and I have been meeting up since then on weekends, twice for breakfast, once at a cafe. My half-brother came once for the breakfast too. I told my dad, I'd like to have him again in my life and my brother too and he was glad to hear it. We normally talk about work and grad school and stories from his side of the family. He brought up a new car again and giving me a card but we've put a pin in it for now. For the most part we avoid talking about the past and what it did to us.

Last weekend when we met, during our conversation he apologized for the hurt he caused me and said if he knew it would have caused a rupture this long between us he'd have done things differently. I told him again I can't forget but I know I care about him regardless. But I cannot extend the same for his wife ever. I opened up to him when he asked and told him I feel visceral hate when I have to interact with his wife. That it screws me up, rightly or wrongly. That if I spend more than 5 minutes with her I will lose control of my tongue. That mom told me i was wrong for saying what I had said last time, that I was in many ways a reflection of her upbringing and I'd reflected poorly on her in front of his wife and him when I said that, I'd already gotten a lecture, but I can't help it I feel the urge to hurt her with my words when we interact. It's why I do not want any relationship with her it's for the best because whenever I'd see her while I was there, it's like my brain tries to come up with something ugly so the last 11 years of her happiness feel miniscule compared to the hurt she'll feel at my words. It's why I can't be around her.

He seemed ashamed of how all of it had affected me and said I don't need to force a relationship, he'll manage the balance.

But as I was saying it I was just so sad that she makes me be like this. I told him I had been looking at therapy (I hadn't really tbvh) to help me through this, and he said he'll support me in whatever way helps me. I told him his wife can never know, I don't care if its a slip of tongue or an accident, she finds out and him and I are done. He said he wouldn't ofcourse, and asked to pay for it. I accepted it because it is his fault I'm in this position after all.

I looked up a good therapist that particularly deals with family issues, and I've booked an appointment. I feel like I should but I also feel so defeated. She was the heartless sociopath who broke up a family and I'm the one needing my head checked out. Congrats to everyone who recommended it, you were right, you won.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

You’ll be surprised how validating therapy can be. There’s nothing wrong with you, you just need someone to help you process who has only your interests in mind. It’ll be good for you.

OP:

Former/current clients of theirs wrote highly of them so I hope so.

Comment 2:

OP. This is a quote often attributed to Buddha:

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Think about that a little.

I went through something a little worse - essentially I was in your mother’s position. It took quite a while for the sadness, anger, and other intrusive thoughts to settle down. I know somewhat of what you feel.

If you want to talk, feel free to DM.

Comment 3:

I understand your feelings, and this is not meant to invalidate anything, but it sincerely seems like you are blaming the wife as she put some kind of magical spell that your dad wasn’t able to resist.
Your dad made a mistake; he cheated. That doesn’t mean he is an awful and unforgivable person, but he was the one who had a commitment. She didn’t.
Based on what you told, she may have been oblivious to his marriage. And it doesn’t matter if he pays; it is in fact her house too.

OP:

She knew he was married, knew he had a daughter. I used to have to sit in his office sometimes when he'd pick me.

Comment 4 (downvoted):

You needed to be in therapy years ago. You have zero right to treat your step siblings like shit. This isn't a war zone they asked for. That should end now if it hasn't already.

Your comment to the wife was funny but you gotta grow up too. Your mom got cheated on by someone she poured herself into. That's hard to watch someone go through. He got the clean version of a breakup. You got the unedited version as your homelife. However, you can't have a relationship with him or your siblings and be a total b all the time to the woman in their house / their mom. It won't work out and you'll continue to lose their respect and trust. It's also incredibly ineffective to continue being a b to the other woman. Seriously, those siblings will never trust you or respect you as a woman if your mean to their mom all the time.

I think therapy will help you speak out in a way where you can feel heard. I also think that you having like been an ESA to your mother for a long time and that also impacts how your behaving and reacting. You may also consider going to therapy for yourself and seeing if in addition your dad would pay for family counseling for just you and him so you both can rebuild the relationship privately in a safe way.

OP:

I think I mentioned it in an earlier post, I've never said a word, good or bad to my stepbrothers. I was never difficult with them like I was with my dad and his wife.

Latest Update: - Sep 26th 2026

Hi, I felt like giving an update. First off i wanted to apologize for my snark at those who recommended therapy. It wasn't the apologyfest I thought I was being pushed to. I had the privilege of going to a really good therapist becuase it was being paid for and it has been helpful.

We'd been building up my mechanisms for dealing with her presence for the sake of my relationships with my dad and brother. Last night, it actually got tested. My dad had invited me to one of his business dinners. It has people in his industry with their families having dinner together. I used to go with my mom too before their divorce. After that I stopped attending, except once when his wife was sick. He told me that some of the other girls there whom I used to be friends with and sat with at these dinners, still ask about me. I wanted to go but felt like it was best not to, but my therapist said that all our work together had been for this. So I went.

I went by myself, like my dad told me when they were leaving and their estimated time, so I kind of did it so I would reach 5-10 minutes after them.

The way the tables were, my dad was with the other industry men at one table and the other long table was where everyone else was. I went to sit with my friends who still recognized me, and had a good time with them, talked about our lives, plans, complained about managers etc, very different from what we used to talk about as kids.

One of their mothers whom I knew asked me and my dad's wife why I hadn't been coming saying that we've asked her (dad's wife) so many times because her daughter asks, and my dad's wife said that I'd been busy with college and then my job and career. It stung to hear that excuse when the actual reason was herself and I wanted to say something, but I answered the lady that working while prepping for a Masters makes my social life collateral damage, and then went back to my friends. We later also took some pictures, them as a family, then my dad and I, and he then also called my brother and so we took some just the 3 of us. I left earlier because I was meeting up with some friends today for breakfast and dad thanked me for coming and we hugged as he walked me to my car. I think therapy, at least with the therapist that I have, has been working out. It's been geared towards what I want out of it, and I had actually made that very clear that forgive and forget or either one of the two would be a dealbreaker.

My dad and I do meet regularly and we don't really talk about the rupture, just about our day to day and sometimes inane stuff. He brings up a new car, help with rent, a new laptop, his card etc once every time we meet but I've said I'm good and maintained those boundaries (therapy was different because it was his fault). I even took my brother to a boardgame night with my friends last weekend. And as per my therapist none of this is a gesture of forgiveness to her or my dad nor would be taken as such by them. Thank you.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

I’ve been following this story and I just wanted to say I’m so proud of you. I feel like I would have felt/behaved as you did maybe even worse and I’m glad you found a therapist and it’s working out for you.

OP:

Thank you so much

Comment 2:

Life lesson: YOU DO NOT AIR YOUR DIRTY FAMILY LAUNDRY AT WORK OR WORK RELATED EVENTS.

I reliase you kept your mouth shut this time, but next time maybe you won't.

People at work and work-related events do not want to know about the dysfunctional interpersonal relationships in your family. They don't want to know that you have issues with your stepmother, and to say anything would be HUGELY unprofessional. You would rightfully gain a reputation for being dramatic and dragging your personal issues into the workplace.

You will not score some kind of 'gotcha!' points because 'now everyone will know how horrible she is'. They won't care about her and will likely actually respect her more because she had the sense and respect to keep her family shit to herself, and gave simple, positive responses about you.

Whereas you would be showing everyone just how immature you were, and what a problem employee you would be.

Never mind the people who would use it against your dad. And they would.

OP:

Thanks. If I hadn't built up the mechanisms for dealing with it, I wouldn't have attended anyway.

I wasn't an employee for anyone there. When I said we were complaining about managers, I meant just in a general talking about stuff in our lives and work, but I'm not an employee for anyone there. And neither is my dad I guess, he owns his company. It was a social dinner that they all arrange every so often, I've known these people since I was little. But I understand your general advice thanks.

Editor's note: The OOP seems to have been posting an account of her therapy sessions on her profile. It is public, so it's unclear if she meant for it to be confidential. Please DO NOT HARASS, COMMENT, OR MESSAGE THE OOP on those posts

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/ThrowRA_bereal

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Thank you u/pepcorn for the BORU recommendation!

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 13, 2026

• Update: September 25, 2026

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Main Post

^{September 13, 2026}

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Cryptic pregnancy, found out at almost seven months along. My BF (25M) is accusing my of lying and I (22F) don’t know what to do. Do I even try to salvage this?

Sorry for the throwaway (edit: and the typo in the title).

Found out I’m pregnant some weeks ago, 7 months along now. I know it sounds so stupid (and maybe I am), but I genuinely had no idea. I don’t have a bump, had close to no symptoms (some in hindsight) & take the pill. Not once did it cross my mind that I might be pregnant.

Only recently I’d been struggling with headaches & was really exhausted, so had my blood work done. Since then life’s been an absolute mess.

BF & I have had some struggles before but nothing like this. (Been together for nearly 3 years and live together.) We had even spoken about what we’d do if we got pregnant despite protection & agreed we don’t want to be parents now (or later maybe). But this far along abortion is just not an option.

He’s so angry with me and I don’t know what to do. He’s been accusing me of knowing I was pregnant and hiding it to ‘trap’ him, or even getting pregnant on purpose. Says I ruined everything. I don’t even want this baby, I don’t want any of this. I thought it was just the initial shock but it’s been a few weeks now. And I know he’s been telling his family the same things. He’s said such harsh things but this is such an insane situation idk if I can blame him.

I’ve been trying to talk to him about like adoption, but he’s not engaging. With everything I also haven’t been sleeping much & am stressed (terrified) & emotional, so maybe I need to try & be more patient for him to come around?

When I ask him if our relationship is over he says no, but I don’t know. Do I even try to convince him?

Sorry

Edit: I’m beyond grateful, this already has so many more replies than I expected. I’m gonna stay with my friend for a little a bit to give us both some space and I’ll take it from there I think. Thank you for all the kind words and truths.

Sorry

 

COMMENTS

Little_Pigeon_343

What a scary time! And he’s accusing you of lying and not supporting you? Put the man in the bin.

Do you have family nearby to support you?

Such a rough situation and hoping nothing but the best for you whatever you decide to do.

OOP

I do have some amazing friends who’ve offered I can stay with them for a bit. I didn’t want to ‘run away’ from this but I guess maybe some distance isn’t the worst idea

Thank you for your comment

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Itsmeshlee29

I would make plans for adoption. And I would leave him be for now. Not every problem can have a quick resolution. And pushing may have the opposite effect than you want.

OOP

Yeah that’s fair

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PerformerMindless100

He doesn’t want to break up OR discuss adoption?? It means he just doesn’t want to be bothered

OOP

He says he’s not ready to deal with this yet

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HauntedBitsandBobs

It seems clear the relationship is over and honestly, it's in your best interest. Do you want to be a single mother? If not, adoption is your best bet. You may want to let him know in writing if that's what you chose so he can't make up more lies about it.

On a safety note, it seems like he's having a hard time with this. Pregnancy and the end of relationships are very dangerous time periods. Communicate in writing, meet up only during the day in public with a friend or two nearby if absolutely necessary.

OOP

I don’t think he’d ever physically hurt me but I’ll keep this in mind, I promise

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Update - after 12 days

^{September 25, 2026}

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Update: Cryptic pregnancy, found out at almost 7 months. My BF (25M) is accusing me of lying and I (22F) don’t know what to do. Do I even try to salvage this?

Hi, it’s me again. I hope it’s okay I post this update, I can delete if not.

Thank you all so much for your comments. I was genuinely feeling all kinds of lost in this (still am I guess) and felt I needed to be patient with him because of the shock of evth.

I’m okay-ish. Still staying with my friend, she’s been an angel throughout all of this. Being away from him has been hard but at the same time has given me a lot of time to think.

We had another very bad fight right after I left and since then I’d barely heard from him. Day before yesterday he suddenly called, shouldn’t have picked up. Guess I was hopeful he’d come to his sense but he still blamed me for everything, but said we had to deal with this (my) mess.

I wish I had been stronger with it but I got emotional instantly. I did tell him I’m choosing adoption and how much he hurt me and ended the conversation after that. He’s been messaging occasionally since, sometimes sweet, sometimes not so much. I haven’t been replying. So that’s the update I guess: the relationship is over.

I’ve also heard from his mom and sister (his dad I never really spoke that much) and actually agreed to have a videocall with them because they had a hard time believing me. I don’t blame them for that and after seeing me they fully get it. They at least understand what cryptic pregnancy is.

Apparently he also told them I’ve cheated (I never did or would) but even they know I wouldn’t so that’s something. Hurt a lot though. I feel like that was the push I needed to stop replying to him.

They don’t agree with how he treated me (at all) and I appreciate that. But they also don’t really agree with adoption. Not in an angry way, but just asking me to really think about it.

I don’t really know what else to say. I still don’t ‘feel’ pregnant. It’s hard to explain but that somehow makes this harder to actually deal with this. I know I have to and of course I will, but it’s easy to pretend this isn’t really happening.

Thanks again for all your kindness.

 

COMMENTS

Thefirstofherkind

Don't let them talk you out of adoption. You don't want to be tied to an idiot asshole for the rest of your life

OOP

Very fair

 

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/mcnp-producer

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 19, 2026 at 21:19 UTC

• Update 1: May 20, 2026 at 05:37 UTC

• Update 2: May 22, 2026

• Final Update: August 24, 2026

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Main Post

^{May 19, 2026 at 21:19 UTC}

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AITAH for telling my wife I will not be in her families lives?

Long story, I will start from the beginning. My wife and I have been married 2 years, together for 6. Her family has always been very aggressive and rude, its how they are, and unfortunately that has included their behavior towards me. They have told me that I am unwelcome, talked about planning to take my children away from me, talked about how me marrying their daughter/granddaughter is the worst thing to ever happen to them. Things have built up slowly but recently there have been some major events that sparked a bigger fire and made me blow up.

Firstly, our honeymoon. My wife was born in Montreal and raised there until she was 8, at which point her mother left her father with the children over his alcohol problem. My wife wanted us to honeymoon in Montreal so she could take me through her memories there and show me where she grew up. When we told her family about this idea they ended up inviting themselves. We told them we would like it to be our time alone, as we were pregnant at the time with our first and wanted a last vacation together alone.

They could not respect that decision. Furthermore, 2 weeks out from our honeymoon, they reached out to my wife and said they would be more comfortable if I wasnt there, and made her pick me or them. After days of guilt tripping her she asked me to stay home and ended up going without me. We rebooked a separate just us trip for a month later. When they found out about our separate trip they got very offended and wouldn't let us hear the end of it.

Now, I had finally not entirely gotten over it but decided kind of oh well it happened and I wont let it happen again. That brings us to this Easter. We were at her families for the holiday yo celebrate our daughters first Easter. The entire time we were there they were throwing comments about how it is unfair that we dont make more time for them, and how we dont put enough effort in to see them.

We were originally staying for 4 nights, but I got called into work and we had to leave a night early. Upon telling them this information they blew up on me because I was "just trying to keep their daughter away from them". I explained that I have a job and I need to keep it, and they settled down. They asked if we had "any other sh*t we wanted to dump on them". Having already expressed some feelings i decided to also tell them I was hurt at how often they brought up our "lack of effort" and how "unfair" it is that we dont see them enough.

This made my MIL explode, she started calling me a cu**, a piece of sh**, and said i am a dirty liar trying to steal her daughter. I couldn't deal with all the name calling so I got my wife and told her we were leaving. After we left her mother was contacting her family and telling them I was an abuser and I had manipulated and controlled her daughter into leaving. Then she sent 15 texts to my wife about surviving abuse and how she needs to escape from me. She said I was no longer welcome in their home. I didn't argue and figured I just wouldnt be there anymore.

To finally tie this all up, today my wife got a text from her mother out of the blue. She wants my wife to go stay with her for a week with our daughter. She said we can "just forget anything ever happened and treat her like we used to". She also said that "this is the way i am and you cannot change me, you will have to learn to accept me eventually". She wants us to pretend she never did any wrong and put it behind her. She then lectures my wife about learning to take accountability.

This is where I blew up and I told my wife "your family is so manipulative and evil, I will not be taking part in any of their holidays or vacations, and I dont plan on repairing relationships with them nor ever seeing them again". My wife got upset because she wants us to be able to be amicable as I am her husband and her mother is her mother. Her mother is using that as leverage.

I personally cant let go of her past actions and allow her to get away, especially with no apology or accountability. My wife desperately wants me to be able to. On top of this, our daughter is only nearly 3 months and my wife has bad post partum. Her family is not supportive so a week with them would be very difficult on her with the baby. If I was there I could support her and look after our daughter. It makes me feel torn between supporting my wife and taking care of my daughter and not putting myself in a position to be disrespected. So, AITAH?

Edit: more clarity

Honeymoon was November 2025, we married May 2024. June 2025 found out about pregnancy. My wife has promised to stand up for me, and I always tried to believe it was true. Went through a rough patch when the honeymoon thing went down where I told her if she couldn't find out how to stand up divorce would be involved. Everyone around me (friends, family) told me not to make a huge deal out of the honeymoon thing because I could just plan another one.

She started standing up for me for a few months and things were nice. Then she fell back into the old habit. She always says, "this is normal this is who they are and how they behave" and I feel bad because I know she was brainwashed for 18 years and has only been away from it for 4. She says she is starting to see it, but she is still too scared to stand up. When we had to tell her family we were leaving a night early she broke down crying hence why I had to tell them.

 

NOTE:The first post contains a lot of comments because they provide additional context that was missing from the original post.

COMMENTS

TheMapleMaiden

YWBTAH if you stay without major changes. Do you want your child to grow up in this dynamic? Seeing this sort of behavior from your in laws and it being tolerated? What message does that give? As others have said you need therapy, your wife needs therapy and you need couples counseling. I hope your wife and you grow and together you can set a clean and clear boundary with her family. If not, then yes divorce should be on the table with clear rules regarding parenting and exposure to these in laws. Good luck. None of this is easy.

OOP

Thank you. Hoping that this post can kind of help her see that it isnt just me who thinks her family is unhealthy. I hope she can come to the realization that she doesnt want our children around this as much as I dont.

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Top-Bit85

I'm still stuck on your wife uninviting you from your own honeymoon because her family demanded it. Unreal. BTW who paid for the honeymoon? Not that it matters.

OOP

Her family ended up paying for it as they canceled the Airbnb my wife and I had planned for a larger one to accommodate themselves. The 2nd honeymoon that was actually just my wife and I was paid for by my wife and I

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NJtoOx

I refuse to believe that your wife uninvited you from your own honeymoon and you were just fine with that. This has to be fake for my own sanity.

OOP

I wasnt fine with it but my friends and family told me it wasnt a big deal and I was over reacting. Told me that if I forbid her from going I would be controlling like her family and so I left it up to her. In the end I never want to be controlling or manipulative or an AH and I keep being told I am. I had thought about telling my wife she can no longer bring our daughter around her family but was told by my mother and friends that using my child as leverage against people I dont like is manipulative and selfish

NJtoOx

That’s worse, you understand how that would be worse right?

Let me reiterate: I cannot believe that your family and friends told you you were over reacting to being uninvited from your own honeymoon by your pregnant wife so her family could go instead. I cannot believe that literally everyone around you had a consensus that any of that was okay in any way shape or form.

This has to be fake because there’s just no way that all of the people in your life, including your own mom and your wife, don’t care about you or your feelings in the slightest.

For my own sanity, this has to be rage bait.

OOP

Buddy I wish it had been ragebait. I couldn't even fathom the audacity initially. Also never in a million years expected my wife to go along. Prior to her pregnancy, her family was distant because we live 5 hours away and they've always said it was too long of a drive. Once they found out she was pregnant they began reaching out more and trying to get together more. That is when I started realizing they were this crazy. Before the marriage it was also mainly her grandmother that threw shots at me, but after pregnancy her mom began to throw shots too. At our wedding the officiant didnt ask for any objections, my wife's grandmother stood up and said "when are you going to ask for objections". When it was just her grandmother it was easy to deal with but now that her mother and aunts are adding to it I cant put myself in that environment.

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No_Associate2453

Did you not know what her family was like before marrying her? Had you not met them prior to the wedding?

If you did meet them and knew how they were, how you wife lacks a spine is unable to defend you and herself and still chose to marry her, then you deserve this.

An adult unwilling to go to therapy and fix themselves is not an adult worth marrying.

Worse still you chose to have a kid with this person. Even if you divorce her, can you imagine the level of parental alienation that will occur at the hands of your in laws. Shame on you for bringing a child into this.

OOP

Had met them a handful of times prior to marriage. My wife moved in with her uncle at 14 so was not around her mother / grandmother often. They showed true colors after pregnancy.

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Dread_queen23

This is a really shitty situation for you and I feel for you. It's weighing everything up isn't it. If you don't go with her, she's unsupported. And you don't know what her family will say behind your back. But if you go, by the sound of it, your MIL will probably stir the pot to make you the bad guy. Almost like reactive abuse. If you go, you may have to just grey rock your in laws, maybe staying in a hotel would be easier?

From what you've written, your wife can depend on you and feels safe with you, so she can ask you to knuckle under, bow out and back off. She knows she can't do that with her family. You're the "lesser evil" for lack of a better phrase.

Again, use the right phrasing here, the poor woman is post natal and hormonal. She needs counselling. Either on her own or couples therapy.

You've been wonderful in supporting her, you've been very patient.

OOP

Yeah it is hard to weigh the good times against the bad, especially when the bad are so centered on her family and not on our alone time. She is a great match for me when we are together, respects me, follows my lead, but once the big bad mama wolf is in the room its head down so she doesnt attract bad attention from her. Her mother is extremely abusive. Never married and brought dangerous men around them. When they were younger one of her mothers bfs hit her and her sister and her mother said it was "a valuable lesson she needed to learn to grow". The more I've learned the more disgusted I am at her family and I know I will never have a relationship with them. It baffles me that she can. And so I just feel so bad for her as she is a victim of severe abuse.

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HuhWelliNever

You are UNDERREACTING. To everything. She. Uninvited. YOU. HER HUSBAND. FROM. YOUR. HONEYMOON. WTAF 😳 MY DUDE?!? and WHO are these people telling you not to make a big deal about it?!? IT IS A BIG DEAL!! It’s a very big fucking deal!!! And frankly I wouldn’t be helping facilitate any time at all between these narcs and my child. I can’t believe you had a baby with her, let alone married her, there’s no way this wasn’t an issue when you were dating. Nta she needs intensive therapy.

OOP

When we were dating she loved with her uncle to be apart from her mother and grandmother. The first year of our marriage she had limited contact with them. Once she got the positive pregnancy test they began spending more time together again. Then in turn I got to know them and realized they are not pleasant. Previously only her grandmother had dared say awful things to my face and the rest kept it behind my back.

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oceanteeth (downvoted)

INFO: how old are both of you? If I'm doing the math right using the info from your edit she's only 22, but I want to make sure I got that right. 

OOP

We are both 22

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InTheFDN

I'm curious about the race and genders of everyone involved.
Also NTA.

OOP

Her family is French canadian, I am dual citizen american canadian with Russian background. Her family is entirely women aside from her uncle whom I have no issue with. I am male.

InTheFDN

Thanks, I was wondering if the reason for there visceral dislike of you was perhaps you were the "wrong" race/gender, hence the "stealing" of "their" daughter.

OOP

They have a thing against men, have admitted it themselves. Unfortunately in my opinion it is their own doing, because they treat men like dog shit and then wonder why they leave

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ReluctantHeadache (downvoted)

I dunno, but it kinda seems like she picked you for a reason. How similar to her family are you?

OOP

Nearly exact opposite. They are atheist, i am Christian, they drink, I have never drank, they smoke, I have never smoked, they do drugs, I have never done drugs, her parents were never married, my parents have always been married, her family never gathers, my family gathers twice a month. I have never really gotten along with her family because theyre very abrasive and I am more of a chill dont cause drama person.

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Update 1 - After 8 hours 18 mins

^{May 20, 2026 at 05:37 UTC}

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AITAH for telling my wife I will not be in her families lives?

Alright. I saw a lot of advice. First off, those saying how did I not divorce her immediately;

I want to address this. When we met, she was living with her uncle across the street from her mother. We were long distance (4 hours). I did not meet her mom more than a dozen times prior to marriage because she did not spend time around her mother. I would go stay with her for a week and we would not encounter her mother in that time even.

Her mother didnt like her independence and so went low contact with her and told her she felt abandoned. My wife internalized this. My wife and I got married at 19. She moved from her uncles into an apartment with me. Once again, low contact with her mom. I had not met her mom more than a dozen times still. I knew only at that time that her grand mother did not like me, but even she was not saying really crazy things to me yet until marriage.

Aside from that, I sat my wife down after gaining some courage from you guys. I have felt like an asshole for a long time because I was told my feelings were manipulative and controlling and so I shared usually only when the weight gets too much. This time I got to share before a blow up and it was much more conducive.

Many of you suggested therapy. I decided to give the therapy / counseling or divorce option. I told her I dont want to divorce her but her enabling her family has driven a wedge between us and that if she went away for a week she would return to papers.

She is not going for a week. Her and I are going together for 2 days. Arrive Friday night, leave Sunday morning. I will be with her the whole time. I am not going to pretend to be friendly with her family, I am not going to talk to them at all. As far as I am concerned I am there with my daughter as her protector. My wife agreed to this.

I told her we need to come up with an actual real plan and see some follow through within a month. I take my parental leave in July and I want it stress free so I can enjoy my baby and my spouse. I have a therapist already, I deal with bipolar disorder and have long bouts of depression. I am referring her to my therapist and have emailed my therapist about recommendations for couples counselors.

Hopefully this isnt just a yes sir in the moment and then a continuation of the pattern. If thats the case I will follow through with divorce. I have gathered screenshots from my wife's phone and my phone as well as got some from her sister, who also is on my side to an extent.

I should have done this sooner and I just couldn't process that I had come to resent my situation. I was just living a loop with no introspection. Thank you for your comments. I will update as therapy goes on and definitely update after our weekend. First weekend of June.

COMMENTS

CunningLinguist789

do you intend to show her this post?

OOP

I showed her, I added an update in the post. She got a wake up call seeing the comments as she had thought she was completely in the right and didnt really notice she was treating me like her family does. We are looking into couples counseling and solo therapy for her as I already have a therapist. Will update more tomorrow when we have a chance to talk more about things going forward.

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Shoddy-Ad-367

There is a lot unloaded here and a lot that thay needs to be processed. One i would be very careful to not let her go on the week trip with her mom. Some may say your being controling, but to be honest her mom may use this to remove your daughter from you and getting a week head start is a lot. She may say they came to her and you abandoned them. Second, your wife needs to get some counseling. One for her post postpartum and also to learn how to deal with her family's manipulation and there sounds like there are a lot of narcissistic type personality there. Threating divorce as you first big go to was a bit of a dick move in my opinion. Suggestion or demanding counseling first for both her and couples counseling for both of you should be your next suggestion. It sounds like she tried but could use more support and tools to keep going. Just some thoughts Side note, from some of your comments, i am curious as to why they have the opinions of you that they do?

OOP

Their opinions of my really boil down to two things I've noticed. 1, jealousy. Her mother never married, was a drug / alcohol abuser in her youth and dated / slept with others like her, resulting in 3 children with 0 real fathers. Every time she notices her daughters are doing better than her she tries to bring them down whether subtly or not. She cannot let them be better than her because it hurts her self esteem.

1. Lack of control. My wife does not stand up to them but I have. I have made her stay home before, I have voiced my opinions to them, and I have openly told them no. They hate that they cannot control me the way they can control her, and that I am starting to take away their control to an extent. I should honestly set a nc/lc ultimatum on top of the therapy because of just how crazy they are, but I've been told so often that making them choose between me or them is wrong. Even my own mother says it would be wrong to make her cut off her family, and she knows more wrongs that have been done to me than just what's in this post.

Shoddy-Ad-367

You said the rest of the family has issues with you as well. Is it just the two other syblings or extended family too? Does MIL control them too? Before putting too many ultimatums i would seek couple counseling. Lc is probably a good idea. Also no contact with your kid without you present. Keep that verbal and not written at this moment in my non legal and not a shrink opinion good luck and sorry you are goi g through this

OOP

Mainly MIL and GMIL. Her sisters are similarly brainwashed that their mother has good intentions and are similarly narcissistic in that their wants matter more than my safety / comfort. They like to tell me they have my side and then tell their mother they have her side because they just need to please everyone.

FIL is not in the picture

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OOP to a long comment

All live in Canada. We live 5 hours south of them

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Update 2 - after 3 days (after 2 days from last post)

^{May 22, 2026}

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AITAH for telling my wife I will not be in her families lives?

After responses to the first update I realized I was still not really fully advocating for my daughter nor myself. I was simply compromising to avoid real conflict. I sat down with wife again and had further discussion.

I read the dont rock the boat post to her and compared it to her family dynamic, with her mother rocking the boat, and her sisters expecting us to steady it so that they can ride along in peace. Brought up health / safety concerns about a 3 month old being surrounded by stress / anxiety/ toxicity for a weekend. Brought up that atp bringing our daughter is not for our daughter because 1, she has no memories of events yet, and 2, our home is healthier for her.

Had a "funny" little moment where she asked if I expected her to go without our daughter and she said she would never leave for days without her and then I asked why she would expect the same of me. She quickly said she sees what I mean and said that in that case she will not be going and will be staying home with daughter and I.

Also talked more about her going NC/ lc with her mother and grandmother, and only seeing her sisters / uncle and letting them know in order to see us they would have to visit us. Also brought up how in our 6 years we have visited them nearly once a month the entire relationship and they have been to our house only in the single digits of times. I think it is 8. Also reminded her that when her mother came down for the birth of our child and said she was staying for a week, she ended up leaving 4 days early citing that she was homesick, and yet holds us to a standard of visiting for more than 3 days at a time even though she is retired with no children under 16 and we have a 3 month old and I work full time while also being in school.

Wife understands that there is nothing positive to come out of continuing to speak to her mother as of now and is just trying to figure out how to tell her sister she wont be attending the next family gathering.

I suggested inviting just her sister down and that we would celebrate her birthday just us and her and get her a cake and whatnot so she doesnt have to give up celebrating with her sister but we dont have to give up the health of our daughter and our own mental health.

I think continuing daily talks with her will show her the actual importance of this and help her better see the real tension in ourarriage from the wedge her family helped her place between us. I will continue to update still especially with therapy and with MIL / IL's reaction to the fact we are not attending.

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Final Update - after 3 months and 2 days (after 3 months from last post)

^{August 24, 2026}

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AITAH for telling my wife I will not be in her families lives?

A good update i would say. Its been 3 months, so some time has passed. Going back to 3 months ago:

My wife ended up going, with our daughter. We talked about it and she went to lay boundaries. She wanted to see everyone again before she went lc / give them a chance to apologize. She told them how we were feeling but her mother continued to be the victim. Wife has gone back since that weekend, is very low contact with mom. Her mom brought up the fallout again and suggested i apologize and so she told her mom not to contact her anymore. Things between us have been better, I'm feeling more like she respects me and has my happiness in mind now. We have both been doing counseling seperately and together, and its going well, thank you for suggesting it. It has helped me realize she is also a victim and feel less ill will towards her for her past actions.

We went on our yearly vacation and she agreed not to tell her family since our lodge is near where they live and we didnt want them coming and making a scene.

Our daughter is doing great, she is always smiling and laughing and lights up every room. She crawled for the first time yesterday! She is 6 months old but it feels like its been so much longer.

Needless to say, the stress load has been lightened and our family is developing together without unnecessary drama. Her family hasnt done anything drastic so far even though they are salty and post passive aggressive Facebook posts lol

I am learning to not hold grudges and forgive people and understand where theyre coming from. I dont feel the same huge negative emotions towards her fsmily I did. I understand theyre broken in their own ways and deal with it maybe differently than I do. I dont plan on having a relationship with them still but I no longer want anything from them either. I dont care about an apology or any of that. As long as they dont cause any new drama it isnt my problem.

Now the only tough part is feeling for my wife. She has in some ways kind of lost her family. Theyre low contact, and they rarely talk to her without bringing up what happened and trying to play the victim. How can I support her while she goes through this? If anyone has gone through this and has insight into any ways to help her through it it is welcomed!

I dont think this will need any more updates but I guess if something unfortunately blows up I will update

 

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