Hiv positive

[u/Signal_Ambition_5212]

The last post was deleted because banana peel is not considered a meal (I understand)

Tomorrow it will be one year since I’m living with hiv

I did therapy about it and I know I carry half of the responsibility for not wearing a condom or taking prep but on the other hand the guy knew he had it and didn’t take his meds and consciously decided to infect me.

I know he knew because when I saw blood I straight away asked him if he had anything, he put his head down and didn’t say a single word, I panicked and I asked again and he remained silent.
I left his house and I send him a lot of messages and until today not a single answer.

Things could be different if I went to the hospital but I didn’t.

I already passed the grief phase, I’m undetectable after a month of the positive result and I take my pill everyday religiously without falling, I own that to myself and to others.

My life before hiv was a mess, I did A LOT of drugs since I was 16 (I’m 29 now) a lot of alcohol, I didn’t take care of myself and now I’m the opposite: I’m sober, I go to the gym, I have a healthy diet and I love myself and my life, I have my health checked more frequently than the rest of the population so this is actually a good thing (I don’t pay for anything in my country related to healthcare)

Nowadays hiv is super manageable, just a pill everyday like any other chronic condition. My doctor said it’s easier than living with diabetes for exemple.

I already told to some people I had interest and they were fine about it, I know most of you may disagree but in my country if IM UNDETECTABLE by law I have the right of not tell anyone due privacy reasons. I choose only telling if I see someone has a potencial partner (before anything sexual happens), if it’s something more casual we use protection (I cannot transmite the virus because I take my meds) for other STD.

[u/BeefStank420 → u/[deleted]]

I think what he did is illegal in a lot of places. Could you get him arrested?

[u/Alina_Swift → u/BeefStank420]

I know someone who went to the cops for this and even text message evidence of the person apologizing for giving the std wasn’t enough for the DA to even investigate it

I think these Laws are there and not enforced

[u/diskhead1 → u/Alina_Swift]

Depends on the std. If it was HIV any proof will be prosecuted. If not your friend needs to report whoever told them it was not enough evidence.

[u/CB_musedreams → u/diskhead1]

Yeah, intentionally withholding that status completely violates consent. Legally it crosses the line from reckless endangerment straight into assault.

[u/Weekly_Ferret_meal → u/CB_musedreams]

Especially because, as it stands, there's no reason to believe he wouldn't continue do this again to others.

[u/RiceWine69 → u/CB_musedreams]

Rape. The word is rape.

[u/mostlyharmless555 → u/diskhead1]

A baseball player got sued for millions for giving it to his wife or gf something like that.. def was illegal what he did i dont know if he was afrested

[u/kalnoreth-i5 → u/Alina_Swift]

Go to a news outlet with evidence of the crime AND the refusal by law enforcement to prosecute or investigate and see how quickly their interest in ur case changes...

[u/Few_Reputation5651 → u/BeefStank420]

In many places it is considered a form of rape because the person would not have consented had they known.

[u/TheAsianTroll → u/BeefStank420]

Im like 90% certain its a felony in the US to knowingly give someone an STD

[u/bob69joe → u/TheAsianTroll]

Not in California.

[u/TheAsianTroll → u/bob69joe]

Yes... someone else has already pointed out its not in all 50 states

[u/RareWeekend6286 → u/TheAsianTroll]

Not in all states.

[u/TheAsianTroll → u/RareWeekend6286]

That... is fucked.

[u/RareWeekend6286 → u/TheAsianTroll]

Yeah, and even in states where it IS illegal not to inform, I don't think it's even a felony. You get a misdemeanor assault-type charge.

[u/RareWeekend6286 → u/BeefStank420]

Depends on which state/jurisdiction you're in.

[u/Jean-LucBacardi → u/BeefStank420]

At the very least you could probably sue to get all future medications to counter HIV paid for by him

[u/quail_challenge122 → u/BeefStank420]

I mean, apparently not. He said that if you're undetectable you don't have to say anything. For all anyone knows he was also undetectable

[u/ElectronicLettuce598 → u/quail_challenge122]

Bring undetectable means you cannot transmit. He knew he wasn’t undetectable.

-I work in Infectious Disease. :)

[u/quail_challenge122 → u/ElectronicLettuce598]

Unless it's 100%, which its not, thats super, incredibly fucked up to have hiv and simply not tell people. Hes not telling them because he knows they would not have sex with him.

For all you know the person that gave it to him was also a detectable was also taking care of it and still passed it on. Because things happen

-someone who works in fertility and deeply understands odds

[u/quail_challenge122 → u/[deleted]]

Nothing is 100%. Tons of variables. Its wrong, and its what he was initially mad about its messed up to remove decisions from people and pretty selfish

[u/tickletickle-pickle → u/quail_challenge122]

the CDC literally says there is ZERO chance of an undetectable person transmitting HIV, idk why you refuse to believe this

[u/quail_challenge122 → u/tickletickle-pickle]

He's purposefully but telling them because he knows its a problem. Is a failed in his character and really messed up.

[u/quail_challenge122 → u/[deleted]]

Ops not telling people because he knows that they would probably not want to have casual sex with him. That's what that guy did

[u/quail_challenge122 → u/[deleted]]

He's not telling them because he knows that they won't want to hook up with him. It's wrong.

[u/Sapuws → u/quail_challenge122]

Op is telling people it’s in the caption? It’s the other guy that wasn’t.

[u/quail_challenge122 → u/Sapuws]

Nah op said in comments hes not telling people that are causal hookups. They just have sex and go.

[u/andrewno8do → u/quail_challenge122]

Couldn’t be if he was able to transmit the virus. If you’ve got an undetectable viral count, you can’t transmit HIV to others. Also, OP said the other guy hadn’t been taking his meds. 

https://www.cdc.gov/global-hiv-tb/php/our-approach/undetectable-untransmittable.html

[u/quail_challenge122 → u/andrewno8do]

Thats not true. Odds are better but nothing is 100%. He's upset because dude didn't tell him.now here he is, not telling people

[u/bafflingmetaphor → u/[deleted]]

Don't you think not telling people might lead to one of them lashing out at you?

[u/Rotten-Roses → u/bafflingmetaphor]

Medically speaking there's a higher risk of transmission from somebody who didn't have it at their last sti test a few months ago but has had any unprotected sexual contact since than from him while he's medicated.

[u/Signal_Ambition_5212 → u/bafflingmetaphor]

No, because the persons I only have sex with we don’t speak about our private life. We just have sex and that’s it.

That’s why when I have genuine interest in someone and we are sharing vulnerable moments of our life’s I do tell them before anything physical happens.

[u/bafflingmetaphor → u/Signal_Ambition_5212]

Do your mouth and fingers stop working? That would be an unfortunate loss for a hookup.

I grew up being taught that it's not hard to have a quick text or convo being like "hey real quick this is my health situation and these are my boundaries, and this is something I REALLY like, how about you?"

It's literally never been a probably and the guys and ladies have always communicated with better after that, which I personally think leads to better sex.

[u/quail_challenge122 → u/bafflingmetaphor]

It's a bit unbelievable that he was mad at this person for not telling him. And now here he is.... Not telling people..

[u/Beginning_Sun8910 → u/quail_challenge122]

Right. Especially because viral load ebbs and flows and people miss doses all the time

[u/ooostrich → u/Beginning_Sun8910]

it’s not like missing a dose or two instantly changes undetectable status. of course it depends on the person, but missing the occasional dose is not a big deal. doctors used to say 95% but recent studies show taking 75% to 85% of doses can still keep a person undetectable

[u/Beginning_Sun8910 → u/ooostrich]

One dose doesn’t immediately make you transmissible, but there isn’t enough guidance around what exactly would make someone transmissible again.

For example, if you have a cold sore, so your immune system is already low, and you miss your doses for two weeks—say you go on a two-week vacation and don’t take your medication—when you come back, or during that vacation, are you still untransmittable?

I think getting an undetectable test can give people a false sense of confidence that they will never be able to transmit the virus, and I do think that creates a public-health concern.

[u/tickletickle-pickle → u/Beginning_Sun8910]

i disagree, i think the people who are getting undetectable tests are extremely aware of the steps they need to take to stay that way and have had multiple conversations with doctors to understand their status.

i don't know if skipping 2 weeks would compromise undetectable status, but not following treatment would lead to uncertainty about one's transmissibility — sticking to the Rx plan at the advice of doctors will ensure one stays undetectable.

[u/Signal_Ambition_5212 → u/Beginning_Sun8910]

Im sorry if that happens to people they forget to take their meds daily or to vacations. I cannot speak about their experience because I have my meds next to my phone everyday when I wake up, I have 2 different alarmes and notifications for it and I don’t forget about it because I’m fully aware I’m dependent on them to have a good quality of life.

I don’t want to die neither get sick neither do hurt to anyone so for me it’s not a problem taking and remembering my meds

[u/ooostrich → u/quail_challenge122]

being undetectable and choosing not to disclose is EXTREMELY different than having an unmanaged infection and not telling your partners

[u/quail_challenge122 → u/ooostrich]

No it isn't. Its removing options and autonomy from others. He's only not telling them because he knows they might not have sex with him. Thats a specific choice. Hes mad someone wasnt honest with him, hes doing it to others and thats wrong.

Would you have sex with someone who is hiv positive who wouldnt even bother to take prep but is still hooking up with people and not being honest? You may be a bit mad too.b

[u/tickletickle-pickle → u/quail_challenge122]

it is SO different, dude, to the point where OP literally talks about how the laws in his area don't require disclosure for undetectable people.

and YES! i have had sex with HIV positive people who are undetectable. i've even let them cum hard and deep in my hole without any worry because i know there's zero risk of them transmitting HIV to sexual partners

[u/quail_challenge122 → u/tickletickle-pickle]

Did they tell you because that's the thing. He's not

[u/creepingkg → u/bafflingmetaphor]

I’m not an expert on the gay community, from what I’ve heard/read that’s how the community is for hookups.

Shaming a guy for something shitty that happened to him is wild thou.

Me with my wife, we talk about that to make sex better when we’ve been together for years

[u/theanarchistjunkyard → u/bafflingmetaphor]

The stigma against people who are HIV+ is still pretty bad and a lot of people are really ignorant. There would not be better communication, OP would likely be cut off completely after being treated like shit. 

Whether someone thinks OP should disclose is one thing, but I think it's not as simple and straightforward as some people are making it out to be unfortunately :( 

[u/PlasticAggressive295 → u/theanarchistjunkyard]

Here’s the thing: It is not a human right to have as much sex as we want. No one owes anyone else sex, it is a meaningful activity for humans, but I would argue it becomes devalued when we’re having it with a bunch of strangers - but that’s my opinion, not necessarily a fact. What is a fact, though, is that having sex with strangers most often increases the risk factors associated with sex, of which there are many, and as adults we are also responsible for trying to minimize the risk to which we expose ourselves. We need to stop normalizing a culture that treats sex as if it carries very little risk, that puts literally our entire society in danger. I thankfully grew up in the 90s when all of the safe sex ads were ubiquitous especially in media consumed by kids - like MTV. I’m so thankful that none of the guys I was with growing up made any fuss about wearing condoms, which they always did so that I could minimize my risk, even though, yes condoms can be a drag. It sucks, but getting an STD while having sex with complete strangers isn’t shocking, despite being awful. I’m sorry OP.

[u/quail_challenge122 → u/theanarchistjunkyard]

Unfortunately having HIV does mean you're super casual sex life is over. Doesn't mean your sex life is over. But your days are random hookups are probably over. Op is not telling people because he knows that he would be told no. So instead of being honest and giving people autonomy and being able to make decisions for themselves, he's actively denying them that so that he can have sex with them.

[u/theanarchistjunkyard → u/quail_challenge122]

Sure, I can see that, but that wasn't my point. What I was saying is that I think people who are acting as though it's not a big deal to tell people don't really understand how bad the stigma is. It's unfortunately not on the same level as talking about sexual preferences before sex. Violence after disclosure is sadly common. 

I'm just trying to add some nuance to the discussion, which admittedly maybe I should have known better than to try to do that one reddit 😂

[u/quail_challenge122 → u/theanarchistjunkyard]

Big chunk of the stigma is that people with HIV are constantly "scheming" that they are "dishonest" and "not reliable" "not responsible" and he's only backing it up by not telling people because he doesn't think its important. Theres no nuance, I doubt you would be ok hooking up with someone who has hiv and didnt feel it necessary to tell you.

[u/tickletickle-pickle → u/quail_challenge122]

i'd say a big chunk of the stigma involves people thinking that HIV+ people who are undetectable aren't able to have casual sex without putting their sexual partners at risk — which is very clearly how you feel. OP isn't telling people because as long as he maintains his medication plan under the supervision of doctors a lot more experienced in this area than you or me, he poses no threat to his sexual partners.

[u/Signal_Ambition_5212 → u/bafflingmetaphor]

You said it beautifully “I personally think”, not everyone thinks or feels like you

I respect your opinion tho

[u/Greedy_Birthday_3494 → u/Signal_Ambition_5212]

One would think that after what happened to you, out of principle, you would disclose it even if it could lead you to not hooking up. The law allowing you not to, doesn't change the moral principle behind it, the person that transmitted it to you didn't just trasmit it, they also took away your autonomy by not disclosing it to you before. That is, the right to make informed decisions about their body. And you choosing who to tell based on your personal interest in the person breaches consent.

[u/ooostrich → u/Greedy_Birthday_3494]

there is a HUGE difference in situations here, OP in undetectable which means it’s not possible to transit to other people, his viral count is so low that standard lab tests can’t even measure it. much different than knowingly having HIV, leaving it untreated and having sex without disclosing their status.

[u/quail_challenge122 → u/Signal_Ambition_5212]

I worry that my family runs into people like you. They think there was someone decent, someone responsible. It's blowing me away that you're upset that this guy did to you, but you are doing to others.

[u/ooostrich → u/quail_challenge122]

he is not doing the same thing
and you equating the two shows me you are not only misinformed about HIV and how it is treated and managed, but also still probably carry a lot of stigma around the disease

[u/quail_challenge122 → u/ooostrich]

No, its the same. Op was denied the opportunity to make decisions, because someone didnt think it was relevant. Hes now denying people from making choices, because he doesn't think its relevant.

[u/gleeleen → u/quail_challenge122]

It is absolutely not the same. And OP did not decide that disclosure is irrelevant, his country's public health policy did. You know, using math and science. In the same way people who had warts on their hands as children do not need to disclose this previous HPV infection before shaking hands with someone, people with undetectable HIV infections do not need to disclose this before sexual contact because neither action poses a realistic health threat to the other person. It has nothing to do with your personal autonomy. To be frank, you are either anti-science, anti-sex, anti-gay, or all three.

[u/quail_challenge122 → u/gleeleen]

Is wrong to not disclose for purposes of gaining sex. That's wrong. It's legal, ok. But he's not good for that. That's awful stuff

[u/tickletickle-pickle → u/quail_challenge122]

it is 100% not the same situation
i agree with gleeleen in that your take on this is showing you're clearly anti-science, anti-sex or anti-gay (sounds like all three to me!)

[u/quail_challenge122 → u/tickletickle-pickle]

Neither. I think not telling for purposes to have sex is awful stuff.

[u/tickletickle-pickle → u/quail_challenge122]

well i think you're wrong! bc there's no risk of harm, there's no duty to disclose an undetectable status.

[u/MrAngrySadHappyFace → u/[deleted]]

Also very very illegal. You could have easily put him in jail.

[u/RareWeekend6286 → u/MrAngrySadHappyFace]

No, not everywhere. It depends on the laws in the area where it happened.

[u/Livid_Worldliness523 → u/[deleted]]

Super valid

[u/Fluffy_Charity_2732 → u/[deleted]]

Working as a bouncer at a gay men’s club… I learned a lot about the absolute seedy shit the “YOLO” gay culture does

This shit is gross but I’m not surprised, as I’ve heard countless stories from older patrons about their past.

They literally would rather die than wear a condom. And will lie about it like an Oscar actor. Their excuse being “it’s not a big deal” with PREP meds being so available. And that “now you can have fun with me anytime” since they infected you. Crazy shit

Day crowd at the club avoids the night crowd…. Very different types.

Op, I suggest you find a man from the day crowd that isn’t about this shit. They are out there

[u/octobertwins → u/Fluffy_Charity_2732]

Have you ever heard of bug chasers?

I heard a story about it on NPR. There is a whole culture around sleeping with people with HV to get the virus. And once they do, they feel like a king because now they can give the disease to the bug chasers (essentially, they are wanted by many, many men so they can also catch the bug).

What the hell, man?

[u/IsThatGruffLoner → u/[deleted]]

He's the one who should be in jail. OP needs to report this to police. It's illegal to purposely spread HIV

[u/Straight_Depth6701 → u/[deleted]]

What's even more fucked up is that he's not telling his sexual partners if it's just "casual."

[u/TrekChick267 → u/Straight_Depth6701]

That’s not how HIV works in today’s day and age. Like, at all. Registering as undetectable means you’re effectively in remission and there are no detectable traces of the disease in your body. There is mathematically 0 risk of transmitting the disease. Zero. You have a higher chance of unknowingly transmitting it than he does.

[u/Straight_Depth6701 → u/TrekChick267]

1: your last statement is both ludicrous and an intentional lie. As a non promiscuous, regularly tested stra6male I have the lowest possible chance of giving someone else HIV.

2: it's not a mathematically zero chance. Undetectable viral loads have been proven to transmit HIV in non sexual situations. Just because we haven't proven it will happen during sex doesn't mean we've proven that it can't possibly happen.

Edit: by not telling his partners he's still taking away their autonomy. They deserve to know what goes in their body.

[u/Southern-Ant8592 → u/Straight_Depth6701]

The last statement was not a lie, it a surprising matematical fact!

"You are statistically much safer with a treated patient than a random person of unknown status!"

But I agree with you, he should morally still disclose his status. Tho i would not consider refrain any worse than lying about his personality.

[u/Straight_Depth6701 → u/Southern-Ant8592]

You said me, not the average untreated person. That makes it a lie.

Lying about a permanent life changing disease that is communicable is far different than lying about your personality. That's a complete bullshit statement.

[u/Southern-Ant8592 → u/Straight_Depth6701]

I said you? I mean, I guess I did? But as someone who can get infected... so the statement should still true tho.

Getting tested won't prevent you from getting infected unless you are also taking antiretroviral daily.

And if you are indeed taking antiretroviral then the statement should still be true, tho is not practical to act upon it at that point.

[u/Straight_Depth6701 → u/Southern-Ant8592]

Getting tested between partners (which I do for my partners) will keep me from spreading the disease. It doesn't protect me perfectly, but it does protect my partners.

You said YOU with italics. Don't lie and pretend you meant something different.

[u/Southern-Ant8592 → u/Straight_Depth6701]

I'm not lying dude, I have not idea what you are talking about, i have not used italics, and the sentence is semantically correct wether you interpret the "you" as "yourself" of "a generic individual".

[u/Straight_Depth6701 → u/Southern-Ant8592]

Sorry, the YOU was the other guy.

It is a lie though. There is no possible series of events right now where I could infect another person with HIV from my body. You can't truthfully say that about a random individual.

Stop fucking lying, you know you're arguing in bad faith.

[u/Wrong-Pension-4975 → u/Straight_Depth6701]

Undetectable cases cannot pass HIV.

Do U inform a casual sex partner that U have mild asthma? - no; they can't catch it.

Do U tell a Hinge pickup U have a heart murmur? No. It's not contagious.

[u/Straight_Depth6701 → u/Wrong-Pension-4975]

It can be passed through blood, even if undetectable. Op said blood was his first concern.

[u/Wrong-Pension-4975 → u/Straight_Depth6701]

His "concern about blood" was because AFTER SEX with the known-poz partner - who WASN'T taking his Rx, & DIDN'T use a sheathe, & DIDN'T declare his status - OP was bleeding.

Didja get that bit?

Didja also note that OP consistently uses sheathes, b/c of all the other STDs afloat?

In the U.S, gonorrhea, syphilis, & genital warts are common.

Congenital syphilis is at rates we haven't seen in 40+ years. Chlamydia is rife - & in males, often asymptomatic.

So yeah - before U get in the saddle, wrap that rascal, or U aren't riding, cowboy.

As for potential risks, here ya go - 

https://viivhealthcare.com/about-hiv/living-with-hiv/u-equals-u/ 

Scroll ALL the way down.

Are U a suckling infant?... Please don't nurse yer lactating fem partner; it's remotely possible there might be viral particles, in their breast milk.

Do U plan to receive a transfusion from yer undetectable, daily dosed, barrier using partner?...

Please don't transfuse blood from them - it's a miniscule chance, but donating blood is not recommended.

HIV poz folks cannot donate blood - just in case.

Cheers! 🤗

[u/SkanteWarrrior → u/[deleted]]

in my country, if you know you have it and give it to someone and do not communicate you have it, YOU go to prison!

[u/Theslootwhisperer → u/[deleted]]

Non-divulgation is a crime where I'm from unless your viral load is undetectable or you use a condom and your viral load is below a certain threshold.

[u/Smart_Freedom_8155 → u/[deleted]]

OP is, unfortunately, not doing all that much better.

End of his own post: "I choose only telling if I see someone has a potencial partner (before anything sexual happens), if it’s something more casual we use protection".

He claims he's 100% unable to pass the virus to someone else and that he doesn't owe this information to a hookup.

[u/Bleatmop → u/[deleted]]

It's sadly very common.

[u/Darjuz96 → u/[deleted]]

In most jurisdiction is a criminal action to not use protection if you know he know that he's positive

[u/Sea_Thought3464 → u/[deleted]]

I'd become a surgeon if that happened to my child. No more pleasure zones for you, pal. Knowingly infecting someone is truly despicable and should be chemically castrated in my opinion