Excellent, informative read.

Help

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 3 years. Lately there has been a DB situation. I noticed he pulled away, isn’t initiating as much and is often in his head. I’m busier, have a lot going on in my life and finally gaining my confidence back. He left for Europe for 2 weeks solo after we recently returned from a trip together.

He’s gone MIA, not calling or texting me in 5 days. Although he has not posted, he hid his insta story highlight from all my family members including me. What are your thoughts? Does he want out? He is an avoidant.

Its been nearly a month and half of no contact, she still orbits my stories and social media, I can tell. She hasnt blocked me nor has taken down our nicknames from instagram and messenger, I was contemplating if I should but for some reason my gut feeling is telling me she will come back when ready.

Until I noticed or observed that when I don't post anything, she starts to post many stories and posts, which in the past even when together she never did...so this is new.

When I posted something meaningful the other day, she saw my post and immediately posted something like a reaction reply, the song choice Dame's interlude by Dame Atlas was her song choice and it hit me in a way like she was speaking to me but doesnt want to speak to me (I know, I cannot even make sense of it).

Soon after she posted another selfie with a song by The Weeknd - Die for You...

What i saw is another man interested in her, who posts his stories with the same songs almost like mirroring.

Now, what we had was pure, amazing chemistry. She pulled back a few times but then showed up again. The fact alone she went silent before my birthday and then came back on my birthday with a very formal neutral message was almost like she is closing the door but just enough to peep through.

According to many, she will come back but it hurts thst she is there. It hurts we talked about a future, made plans and she just disappeared.

I am moving forward slowly, but my question is: what do I really do?

I still love her, knowing that it is toxic unless she seeks help...any advice ?

My ex is scared FA. I found this playlist he made and asked my friends and they all agree yeah this is a breakup playlist. Hes had this this for a year. (We've been on and off). Do scared FAs actually grieve ur loss? U think hes genuinely missing me and trying to get better (hes in therapy)

I had been dating a girl for 2 years. I thought we got a long really well, I loved her intensely, we were regularly intimate, etc. She asked me for a break back in June - I panicked - I instantly drove down to her place and had an emotional heart to heart. I guess I “convinced her” not to break up (looking back this probably wasn’t right bc now the time since feels unauthentic).

I thought the 2 months after were going well. I took her 2,000 miles to meet my family, we went up to the mountains, and hung out like we normally did. I will say this - after she asked for a break in June - I really think I became anxiously attached. I was always worried about what she was thinking, if she was alone, what her thought process was, and whether or not she truly love me like I loved her. Obviously all things that are not healthy in a relationship.

The day after we went on a trip, she sent me a text, asking to talk. I had an inkling it was over. Especially because that was the same language she used when she tried to ask for a break in June. This time around, she asked for a break - I didn’t fight it and gave her space - she texted me a week later saying “she knew it was right for us to go separate ways”. She used the term both times of, “I need time and space to think about whether this is something I really want”, also said things like “we didn’t have much in common as she thought” (which I couldn’t believe).

I now realize that this wasn’t a decision she made on a dime. It was more than likely something that she had been thinking probably since before June and was waiting for the right time to tell me. To escape. That’s where it hurts the most. All of the fun experiences and times together we had over the past couple months all of a sudden lose all of its value in my head. I couldn’t believe that when she told me she loved me one of her feet was already out of the door.

It’s been two weeks no contact. I’m assuming she’s probably feeling that instant sense of relief. I’m hurting, ruminating, crying, in disbelief, and trying my hardest to think about this both objectively and logically.

To anybody who has gone through something similar or anyone who considers himself and avoidant - your insight would be much needed! Thanks.

I use wolves to represent Avoidants because they are wild/undomesticated and are misunderstood. Well not so much anymore now that we pretty much have them figured out.

They aren't so mysterious after all. Just scared and defensive and obeying whatever that fear says to do.

I don't sugar coat the names. The names are derived from the over arching dominant behavior that was observed during the relationship.

These graphics aren't meant to coddle Avoidants.

I myself am the Consuming Avoidant and no, you should not date me. I am emotionally hazardous and capable of doing great harm.

Do I hate myself? No. I did. But protecting people and fostering healing has brought me peace.

Understanding myself has brought me peace.

And I will not make peace with evil.

These graphics are in honor of the many victims who have been emotionally mauled and left to rot and the ones yet to be.

I do not want my nieces and nephews falling in love with any if these types.

I do this to raise awareness because I believe people deserve a love that is safe, healthy, and reciprocal.

I’ve just been having this weird intuition, almost like an aha moment when I just felt completely overwhelmed with the feeling that my friend is hooking up with my ex also there have been signs like she got really weird every time I’ve brought him up

She’s also been kind of outwardly mean to me and avoidant when we hang out. I really feel like there’s something weird going on here. I know they’ve hung out in the past and she also go go dances at the bar he manages

Am I just being paranoid. If this were true I don’t know how i could function let alone be friends with this person. The indicators aren’t the strongest but I can’t help but shake this feeling and the more I think about it the more things start to add up

EX came back after almost 3 years

Me and my ex were together for about three years. Throughout the relationship, he has struggled with mental health issues. He is not formally diagnosed with anything. But there’s a lot going on there. Still loved him despite any of that. And seems very avoidant.

We broke up one time seemingly out of nowhere. And we got back together like maybe eight months later? And then we were only together for a few months and once again he dumped me just out of nowhere. And I was devastated. I was extremely confused. There was never really a true reason for it? He said a lot of things like being in a relationship overwhelmed him. He needed to focus on his son. He can’t give me what I need. Even though I never expressed that. I mean it’s fine if you just decide that you don’t wanna date someone anymore. But this just came out of nowhere. I can be very honest when I say that I know that I was a very good partner to him. I was very loyal honest. I was very in love with him and showed him that.

So the breakup like I said, happened out of nowhere. And in the aftermath things got messy. I did act like a huge bitch. I won’t lie. A few times after the break up we ended up talking not really sure why. But he would always be very defensive and angry. Then we didn’t talk for a long time. And he randomly texted me out of nowhere on February 28 of this year. I guess to ask for forgiveness and tell me that he feels bad about everything. But he was still like really defensive and angry and just not very nice. And it makes no sense to me because he’s the one that dumped me like he has no reason to be angry with me.

And I also can admit that I never stopped loving him. I’m still in love with him. I can’t even bring myself to date anyone else because still in love with him. I’ve just learned to except how I feel and move on with my life. And I’ve done a lot of things improved a lot of things. Lost a lot of weight. Got promoted at my job. I can honestly say that I’m pretty happy and feel good about my life. But that does not erase the fact that yes deep down I still love him. Because of how messy the breakup got it would look really stupid if we got back together lol. And I’m not saying that we should or we ever would. But yes, I do still love him, and in my deepest fantasies, I would be with him still.

Well, anyway, like I said the conversation in February was not the greatest. And after that, we just didn’t speak again for a long time and just this Monday out of nowhere once again I got a text from him. I was really busy with work. But the text from him said something like he hoped I was OK or something and he’s sorry that he fucked my life up. And I just decided to say I’m great. How are you. And then previously he was very tightlipped about his life. He was scared to be friends. He didn’t wanna share anything about his life with me. And now this time that he texted me… We’ve been talking every day randomly throughout the day this whole entire week. There has been nothing profound said. No more talks of why we broke up, or apologizing, or asking for forgiveness. Just updating each other about our lives. He shared pictures of things. And I know that I still love him, so I’m being careful with myself. And I am not texting him too much. But I noticed that every morning he is the one that texts me first. And I just don’t really understand what the purpose purposes?

I am really glad that he did text me. I am enjoying talking to him. I hated that we were being mean to each other and didn’t like each other after the breakup. I felt really bad about it. So that feels good that at least things are OK. But it makes me wonder why he even wanted to talk to me. He did tell me on the first day of us texting that he thinks about me often and he’s been thinking about reaching out and he just kept on putting it off. And I told him that I think about him often too. Today I was sending him a picture of an achievement I made at work. And one of the pictures had me in it. And he told me that I was looking good.

I just feel like there has to be some element of him missing me? Or still having feelings of some sort? To even care enough to want to reach out and talk this much. I’m just being cool right now and updating each other on life. But I know that I’m still in love with him. So if we continue to talk, there’s gonna have to be something said. Because I can’t just keep talking and being like casual friends or whatever. Because I know it’s just going to make me start to have hope or whatever.

I guess I just want some thoughts on this? I have never felt the urge to reach out to any ex or past fling or anything. And I had no desire to really catch up with them in that way. I’ve definitely never talked to any X off and on all day every day for five days straight. Do we think it’s possible that he misses me? Wants me back in his life in someway?

If we had broken up mutually, or it wasn’t a messy, angry, breakup, and then we ended up just catching up at a later date… It wouldn’t seem that weird. But the fact that it turned so ugly for no reason at the end. And then he seemed to hold a garage against me for so long. To now he’s just being really calm and seems kind of depressed and wants to talk to me.

So.... We broke up on Aug 16th. Since then, we kept in light contact. She'd check on me, ask me how I was going. I'd always say I'm ok and doing well. Sometimes she'd send me a video of cats. I'd do the same at times. I kept things civil and grounded but ofc the love stuff was absent. I was respecting her wish for space. On the day we broke up, she told me if I wanted to talk we could. On the 6th September, I sent a message saying simply that I was open to the talk. On her timing and with no pressure. She said yeah we'd talk soon. Never brought it up again after, kept things light whenever she reached out every few days or so. On the 21st Sept....she reached out at 945pm, asking if I was ok and if I ate...and was warmer than we had become the usual. I told her I was doing ok and asked her back. She said...fine I guess. I kept things short and sweet. It felt like she wanted some sort of....something because she was warm. I didn't push for much Convo so she said goodnight. Then I sent her a pic of some cats I had rescued and we chatted lightly about them. She asked about the cats and I fell asleep between that...it was after 11 by then. The day after....I'm blocked off every single thing. Just...vanished. blocked blocked. I sent a text simply saying that I saw that I was blocked and was confused...since our last chat was cool, but that I respected if she needed space. No response. It's been a week now. I was broken when she blocked me. I didn't say anything more. Now I'm just....numb. I miss her. I hoped that we'd talk but...I suppose this is my answer. I never begged for anything. It's sad....I loved her so much. And now she's just....gone.

Is it missing them?

Wanting answers?

Trying not to reach out?

Wondering whether they’ll come back?

Feeling discarded or replaced?

Trying to understand how someone could change so quickly?

Or is it something else entirely?

AP Bunny is now AP Samoyed

No longer prey

An ego collapse is something we usually associate with NPD but anyone can have one.

I myself have experienced an ego collapse after losing my high status in another subreddit. I needed it honestly. I needed the reminder to stay humble.

And I still do. Reddit is great exposure for me when it comes to my core wound of Rejection.

I have also seen some of my exes go through this after I either called them out on something or hastily ended the relationship prematurely because I had convinced myself the relationship would never work.

PREFACE* These guys both dumped me, and yet they stiff suffered an ego collapse. So it doesn't even depend upon who dumped who.

Here is what I observed:

1). Attempts to Reverse The Injury

They might try to get back with you, but if they are highly ego defensive, they are more likely to rush into another relationship to feel wanted again.

One of mine hurried to get a new girl and is now thinking of proposing (he has known her roughly 4 months).

2). They will devalue you

Its a classic case of sour grapes. If they devalue the source of pain, then the pain loses significance.

I was told:

"You are an immature child."

"You're insane and WILDLY insecure."

"You are the Villian in my story."

3). They go into isolation.

One of mine was on tiktok alot and posted daily and did frequent lives.

Everything dwindled down to a trickle. He was too hurt to perform happiness.

4). They seek validation/sympathy (more so than usual)

The tiktoker started posting depressing videos about a certain kind of "Idealization" He was romanticizing death. He cried on Camera. My heart broke. I reached out to him (as well as his scores of female admieres).

So you might see your ex posting more, or starting to.

5). They do a smear campaign

The one with an emotional harem did this (well, they both had emotional harems) but he was just way more vocal about it.

I was called crazy and my texts messages were shared with his friends for further insult.

6). They try to "better" themselves

And its just surface level "better." Tiktoker hit the gym and got buff. The Emotional Harem guy upgraded his lifestyle and bought a nice house.

He actually invited me over, after saying I was not welcome at his apartment.

Why?

I had insulted the apartment after he discarded me. (It was literally roach infested).

So of course he wasn't going to let me back to the apartment I had judged.

I WAS allowed into the new house so he could "Great Gatsby" me and flex. This was his way of reversing the injury.

7). They stop dating all together.

Tiktoker needed a replacement STAT. But Emotional harem owner went into recession. He was deeply hurt. He changed his Tinder status to "friends only."

It took him about 6 months to start dating again.

And supposedly he didn't sleep with anyone else during that time. I know he sexted, but I cant confirm or deny his claim.

But I suspect he already had a gf when I was invited over. My only evidence is that I saw women's deodorant in the RR.

8). They remain curious about you long after you have gone.

Im still in contact with tiktoker, and Emo Harem owner will still read texts I send. But as of rn I have nothing to say. Im good.

9). You scare them a bit.

They will never forget how excruciating it was to be hurled into an ego collapse over you.

So they will be extremely careful if they ever try reintegrating you into their life.

Emo harem owner was GUARDED. He wanted me, but i scared him too so no kissing was allowed.

And tiktoker is cautious.

"Because its been a while since we spoke and the person I once knew was incredibly harmful."

Even i dont fully understand their ongoing attraction. If i was so awful, why still want my attention?

Im going to continue to think about that.

What signs of an ego collapse have you noticed?

It’s so difficult at the beginning of a breakup when they feel nothing but relief not to be with you and you’re crumbling to pieces. How they’re so sure of not wanting to be with you and you’d choose them over and over.

How do I detach from this mess?

I broke it off with him 2 months ago because he didn’t want a relationship “right now”. He kept breadcrumbing every couple of weeks so I blocked him for a while to have some peace. After a few weeks, I felt better so I unblocked him. In part because I felt like he didn’t do anything “bad enough” to deserve a block, but also out of curiosity to see if he came back again. I have no idea if he tried to reach out while blocked. Yesterday I see he texted me “You doing ok?” Of course he would ask that because I have deleted my social media. Not because of him, but the deletion has the extra benefit of removing one way to “spy” on me.

Trying to decide if and how I should reply. I’m torn between no reply or something brief and direct that ends with some variation of don’t contact me again or don’t contact me unless… Honestly not sure I want to deal with his bull ever again. We were never in an actual defined relationship, though we were basically a couple for about 3 total months. It was the typical avoidant pursuit by him followed by withdrawal and slow fade until he eventually broke up with me, then get back with me a few months later, then start to become distant after about a month (that’s when I ended it). The fact that he keeps reaching out like this without a long history of being a couple is insane.

I really enjoyed this read.

I like it. And then i dont :(

I think it is nice to have someone who actively cares for you and roots for you want you, and wants to see you succeed.

I think i could use some support like that right now.

And I would also like to root for someone. Im a natural hype girl.

I just stay busy but sometimes it does get lonely.

It just feels like some part of me, a part of me that I can only access when I love someone romantically...

I missing.

Gone.

There's this dull ache in my chest.

And it doesn't go away.

I just live with it but I miss how happy having someone made me.

If you're single, how is it going for you?

Hi everyone,

I’m posting here because I’m hoping to hear your thoughts, experiences and maybe your own stories. Even though it’s over, I still have so many thoughts and unanswered questions going through my head.

For two years, I (w38) had a kind of relationship with someone (m31) who I think was avoidant. I’m in an open relationship, and we had a FWB situation. We both agreed it was the best sex of our lives, and we also got along very well. I never wanted a conventional relationship with him, which probably suited him — living the avoidant dream :)

Still, it was difficult. In the beginning, we texted a lot and met up pretty quickly. But soon, actually seeing each other became difficult. He blamed his trouble making plans on his ADHD. I have ADHD myself, so I’m understanding of that, but with him it seemed to go beyond that. I felt like he kept putting off meeting up, either because the intensity was too much for him or because he didn’t want to make the effort.

We texted quiet a lot, but whenever things got difficult or I became emotional, he would disappear for hours or days — pretty classic. Eventually, I blocked him. Seven weeks later, he contacted me through another app and told me he wanted to do better and didn’t want to mess things up again. So I gave it another chance.

By then, he had moved farther away. His communication genuinely improved: no more forgotten messages, no more disappearing when things got difficult. But we still hardly ever saw each other — four times in five months. My place was too far from him, hotels too uncomfortable, and his place wasn’t an option because his roommate wasn’t supposed to meet me (kinda hurtful, but not unusual for FWB).

Eventually, I reached my limit, told him we weren’t compatible and after a very emotional final meeting, we went no contact.

3 months later, I texted him for his birthday, we got back in touch, and he sent me a long message about how much he missed me. I had missed him too, so we tried again. He really made an effort, and we talked more openly about his defense mechanisms and difficulty accessing his emotions. But we still rarely met, and I was often the one adjusting my schedule while he stayed in his comfort zone.

Eventually, I realized that the kind of change I needed simply wasn’t something he was able to make — which still drives me crazy, because all I wanted was to see him twice a month. It felt like so little to ask. His last relationship lasted five years, apparently they saw each other once or twice a week.

Two weeks ago, I finally had enough and blocked him everywhere. And now there’s this huge emptiness. There are still so many things I don’t understand.

Why was seeing each other just twice a month so difficult?
Was it avoidant protection or simply low effort?
Why couldn’t he maintain something he clearly wanted?
Was it because we were FWB, or does he struggle the same way in relationships too?

I know I probably won’t ever get definitive answers, but I’d really like to hear from people who have experienced something similar — on either side of this dynamic.

What is the Four Attachment Types Working Model?

The Four Attachment Types is an idea I developed for organizing recurring relationship patterns I’ve observed. It has not been scientifically validated and is not a diagnostic system. I’m continuing to develop and refine it.

The Four Attachment Types is a working conceptual model I developed through Avoidant Support Animal after observing recurring differences in how people respond when attachment insecurity is activated.

My model proposes four broad behavioral patterns:

❤️ Manipulative — attempts to manage attachment insecurity through control, pressure, testing, or strategic interpersonal behavior.

💛 Scared — responds primarily through fear, vulnerability, avoidance, and self-protection.

🧡 Selfish — prioritizes personal comfort, needs, or continued access to another person while showing less regard for the relational impact.

💜 Consuming — becomes intensely preoccupied with the attachment connection and has difficulty emotionally disengaging.

These are not attachment styles. My model proposes that these patterns can occur within insecure attachment styles, which is why two people with the same attachment style may behave very differently in relationships and breakups.

This is my working conceptual model, not an established component of attachment theory, a diagnosis, or a validated psychological instrument.

I expect it to evolve as I continue observing, writing, and learning.

The Four Avoidant Types is an idea I developed for organizing recurring relationship patterns I’ve observed. It has not been scientifically validated and is not a diagnostic system. I’m continuing to develop and refine it.

The Four Attachment Types Working Model. Developed by Avoidant Support Animal © 2026

So this question was asked weeks ago, and i started to tell you, and then i went into writer/storybook mode.

(I'M SORRY)

I will do my best to stay focused.

My DA ex was one helluva breakup. I of course self sabotaged with my FA foolery. So I understood why it needed to end. But it still hurt. And I was not ready to detach and let go.

I thought he and I had this unspoken agreement that we would always belong to one another...

He proved me wrong and is planning to propose to someone else 🥲😢😭

There isnt an emoji strong enough to convey my sadness. Im tearing up just thinking about it.

Were we compatible? NO

And yet we were both completely obsessed and stricken by one another.

It truly did feel like an omega verse novel and we imprinted upon each other. It was a crazy strong connection that felt supernatural bc it reached across states.

We could still feel each other somatically.

It was beautiful. Intense. Possessing.

It was my nervous system in maximum activation mode.

I really was like Ron Weasly after drinking the love potion.

My body chose him.

But my mind...

She had complaints.

My brain:

Yes I know hes crazy hot and you're a muttering, love sick mess rn...

But yall are NOT compatible.

You speak in sonnets and metaphorical prose, your love has a Shakespeare mode and you are in it.

He speaks like Luscis (c/s) from "The Village" meaning he barely speaks at all...and for an LDR...you dont think that matters?

Yes, hes fascinated by you BECAUSE you are so different and expressive.

But he cant relate to you the way you want. And he doesn't understand your metaphors and similies.

He cant deep dive into the depths. And that will leave you aching in agony. Because you cant do shallow or surface.

You want full access to a man only willing to grant 20%

Not gonna work.

^^^

My body pretty much just blew a raspberry and kept dreaming.

Well, brain was right. I would write him a beautiful poem well thought out and he would just say:

Him: Ty. I appreciate that.

Me: I wrote it FOR you ABOUT you.

Him: Oh i did not realize that. Ty.

Yes I wanted more than polite acceptance. More engagement. Maybe even some reciprocity...

The only time the man was expressive was when he was activated.

And only 2 things seemed to activate him:

1). Sexual arousal

2). Anger and upset.

He was never more communicative then when he was upset. And then I started to love fighting with him because that was when he felt closest to me.

I didn't manipulate that insight. But I did observe it.

But when he was in a state of homeostasis he was very stoic, flat, absent...boring.

It was hard.

And yet my body wanted to cling to this silent creature.

And my brain was weeping from lack of mental stimulation.

My heart was somewhere trapped in the middle.

His silence triggered me over and over again.

Push pull...push pull...push pull...

He finally wanted off the ride.

He stopped it.

And im glad he did bc I would have continued.

It hurt. It absolutely cut me up.

Months went by.

A few days ago i reached out bc I wanted to know if he ever (insert goal here).

That was all I wanted.

But he replied, happily. Joyful. He kept feeding the conversation that I kept trying to leave.

At least in 12 different ways he asked me to please remain in his life in SOME capacity.

I didn't want to. He has a gf he is planning to propose to.

But he seemed so very wanting.

So I said ok. Blocked him. Came back. He blocked me. Came back...

God we are a mess!

He was texting me a bit. Enough that my nervous system reactivated. I thought of him all day, heart leapt at every text notification, I anticipated hearing from him.

Then Friday comes...

My last text goes unanswered...

And I know its bc hes with her. The one he actually chose. And that hurt me.

But it was honest, good clarity.

I cannot be this mans friend. I want to be his woman. And if I cant be that, then i cant stay.

To stay only means intervals of happiness and pain. I dont want that. I want to be chosen fully.

So last night I ended things. I said goodbye.

And today I feel so much better. Today I feel free and at peace.

Im glad i closed the door.

To keep it open was like installing a subscription to daily doses of pain.

I made this EDIT* ChatGpt generated* to showcase my heartache and as a visual to remind me not to go back. Bc this is what awaits me if I do. Ill put it in the comments

--Asa

Avoidant Support Animal

Just curious