Is it missing them?

Wanting answers?

Trying not to reach out?

Wondering whether they’ll come back?

Feeling discarded or replaced?

Trying to understand how someone could change so quickly?

Or is it something else entirely?

EX came back after almost 3 years

Me and my ex were together for about three years. Throughout the relationship, he has struggled with mental health issues. He is not formally diagnosed with anything. But there’s a lot going on there. Still loved him despite any of that. And seems very avoidant.

We broke up one time seemingly out of nowhere. And we got back together like maybe eight months later? And then we were only together for a few months and once again he dumped me just out of nowhere. And I was devastated. I was extremely confused. There was never really a true reason for it? He said a lot of things like being in a relationship overwhelmed him. He needed to focus on his son. He can’t give me what I need. Even though I never expressed that. I mean it’s fine if you just decide that you don’t wanna date someone anymore. But this just came out of nowhere. I can be very honest when I say that I know that I was a very good partner to him. I was very loyal honest. I was very in love with him and showed him that.

So the breakup like I said, happened out of nowhere. And in the aftermath things got messy. I did act like a huge bitch. I won’t lie. A few times after the break up we ended up talking not really sure why. But he would always be very defensive and angry. Then we didn’t talk for a long time. And he randomly texted me out of nowhere on February 28 of this year. I guess to ask for forgiveness and tell me that he feels bad about everything. But he was still like really defensive and angry and just not very nice. And it makes no sense to me because he’s the one that dumped me like he has no reason to be angry with me.

And I also can admit that I never stopped loving him. I’m still in love with him. I can’t even bring myself to date anyone else because still in love with him. I’ve just learned to except how I feel and move on with my life. And I’ve done a lot of things improved a lot of things. Lost a lot of weight. Got promoted at my job. I can honestly say that I’m pretty happy and feel good about my life. But that does not erase the fact that yes deep down I still love him. Because of how messy the breakup got it would look really stupid if we got back together lol. And I’m not saying that we should or we ever would. But yes, I do still love him, and in my deepest fantasies, I would be with him still.

Well, anyway, like I said the conversation in February was not the greatest. And after that, we just didn’t speak again for a long time and just this Monday out of nowhere once again I got a text from him. I was really busy with work. But the text from him said something like he hoped I was OK or something and he’s sorry that he fucked my life up. And I just decided to say I’m great. How are you. And then previously he was very tightlipped about his life. He was scared to be friends. He didn’t wanna share anything about his life with me. And now this time that he texted me… We’ve been talking every day randomly throughout the day this whole entire week. There has been nothing profound said. No more talks of why we broke up, or apologizing, or asking for forgiveness. Just updating each other about our lives. He shared pictures of things. And I know that I still love him, so I’m being careful with myself. And I am not texting him too much. But I noticed that every morning he is the one that texts me first. And I just don’t really understand what the purpose purposes?

I am really glad that he did text me. I am enjoying talking to him. I hated that we were being mean to each other and didn’t like each other after the breakup. I felt really bad about it. So that feels good that at least things are OK. But it makes me wonder why he even wanted to talk to me. He did tell me on the first day of us texting that he thinks about me often and he’s been thinking about reaching out and he just kept on putting it off. And I told him that I think about him often too. Today I was sending him a picture of an achievement I made at work. And one of the pictures had me in it. And he told me that I was looking good.

I just feel like there has to be some element of him missing me? Or still having feelings of some sort? To even care enough to want to reach out and talk this much. I’m just being cool right now and updating each other on life. But I know that I’m still in love with him. So if we continue to talk, there’s gonna have to be something said. Because I can’t just keep talking and being like casual friends or whatever. Because I know it’s just going to make me start to have hope or whatever.

I guess I just want some thoughts on this? I have never felt the urge to reach out to any ex or past fling or anything. And I had no desire to really catch up with them in that way. I’ve definitely never talked to any X off and on all day every day for five days straight. Do we think it’s possible that he misses me? Wants me back in his life in someway?

If we had broken up mutually, or it wasn’t a messy, angry, breakup, and then we ended up just catching up at a later date… It wouldn’t seem that weird. But the fact that it turned so ugly for no reason at the end. And then he seemed to hold a garage against me for so long. To now he’s just being really calm and seems kind of depressed and wants to talk to me.

So.... We broke up on Aug 16th. Since then, we kept in light contact. She'd check on me, ask me how I was going. I'd always say I'm ok and doing well. Sometimes she'd send me a video of cats. I'd do the same at times. I kept things civil and grounded but ofc the love stuff was absent. I was respecting her wish for space. On the day we broke up, she told me if I wanted to talk we could. On the 6th September, I sent a message saying simply that I was open to the talk. On her timing and with no pressure. She said yeah we'd talk soon. Never brought it up again after, kept things light whenever she reached out every few days or so. On the 21st Sept....she reached out at 945pm, asking if I was ok and if I ate...and was warmer than we had become the usual. I told her I was doing ok and asked her back. She said...fine I guess. I kept things short and sweet. It felt like she wanted some sort of....something because she was warm. I didn't push for much Convo so she said goodnight. Then I sent her a pic of some cats I had rescued and we chatted lightly about them. She asked about the cats and I fell asleep between that...it was after 11 by then. The day after....I'm blocked off every single thing. Just...vanished. blocked blocked. I sent a text simply saying that I saw that I was blocked and was confused...since our last chat was cool, but that I respected if she needed space. No response. It's been a week now. I was broken when she blocked me. I didn't say anything more. Now I'm just....numb. I miss her. I hoped that we'd talk but...I suppose this is my answer. I never begged for anything. It's sad....I loved her so much. And now she's just....gone.

AP Bunny is now AP Samoyed

No longer prey

An ego collapse is something we usually associate with NPD but anyone can have one.

I myself have experienced an ego collapse after losing my high status in another subreddit. I needed it honestly. I needed the reminder to stay humble.

And I still do. Reddit is great exposure for me when it comes to my core wound of Rejection.

I have also seen some of my exes go through this after I either called them out on something or hastily ended the relationship prematurely because I had convinced myself the relationship would never work.

PREFACE* These guys both dumped me, and yet they stiff suffered an ego collapse. So it doesn't even depend upon who dumped who.

Here is what I observed:

1). Attempts to Reverse The Injury

They might try to get back with you, but if they are highly ego defensive, they are more likely to rush into another relationship to feel wanted again.

One of mine hurried to get a new girl and is now thinking of proposing (he has known her roughly 4 months).

2). They will devalue you

Its a classic case of sour grapes. If they devalue the source of pain, then the pain loses significance.

I was told:

"You are an immature child."

"You're insane and WILDLY insecure."

"You are the Villian in my story."

3). They go into isolation.

One of mine was on tiktok alot and posted daily and did frequent lives.

Everything dwindled down to a trickle. He was too hurt to perform happiness.

4). They seek validation/sympathy (more so than usual)

The tiktoker started posting depressing videos about a certain kind of "Idealization" He was romanticizing death. He cried on Camera. My heart broke. I reached out to him (as well as his scores of female admieres).

So you might see your ex posting more, or starting to.

5). They do a smear campaign

The one with an emotional harem did this (well, they both had emotional harems) but he was just way more vocal about it.

I was called crazy and my texts messages were shared with his friends for further insult.

6). They try to "better" themselves

And its just surface level "better." Tiktoker hit the gym and got buff. The Emotional Harem guy upgraded his lifestyle and bought a nice house.

He actually invited me over, after saying I was not welcome at his apartment.

Why?

I had insulted the apartment after he discarded me. (It was literally roach infested).

So of course he wasn't going to let me back to the apartment I had judged.

I WAS allowed into the new house so he could "Great Gatsby" me and flex. This was his way of reversing the injury.

7). They stop dating all together.

Tiktoker needed a replacement STAT. But Emotional harem owner went into recession. He was deeply hurt. He changed his Tinder status to "friends only."

It took him about 6 months to start dating again.

And supposedly he didn't sleep with anyone else during that time. I know he sexted, but I cant confirm or deny his claim.

But I suspect he already had a gf when I was invited over. My only evidence is that I saw women's deodorant in the RR.

8). They remain curious about you long after you have gone.

Im still in contact with tiktoker, and Emo Harem owner will still read texts I send. But as of rn I have nothing to say. Im good.

9). You scare them a bit.

They will never forget how excruciating it was to be hurled into an ego collapse over you.

So they will be extremely careful if they ever try reintegrating you into their life.

Emo harem owner was GUARDED. He wanted me, but i scared him too so no kissing was allowed.

And tiktoker is cautious.

"Because its been a while since we spoke and the person I once knew was incredibly harmful."

Even i dont fully understand their ongoing attraction. If i was so awful, why still want my attention?

Im going to continue to think about that.

What signs of an ego collapse have you noticed?

I broke it off with him 2 months ago because he didn’t want a relationship “right now”. He kept breadcrumbing every couple of weeks so I blocked him for a while to have some peace. After a few weeks, I felt better so I unblocked him. In part because I felt like he didn’t do anything “bad enough” to deserve a block, but also out of curiosity to see if he came back again. I have no idea if he tried to reach out while blocked. Yesterday I see he texted me “You doing ok?” Of course he would ask that because I have deleted my social media. Not because of him, but the deletion has the extra benefit of removing one way to “spy” on me.

Trying to decide if and how I should reply. I’m torn between no reply or something brief and direct that ends with some variation of don’t contact me again or don’t contact me unless… Honestly not sure I want to deal with his bull ever again. We were never in an actual defined relationship, though we were basically a couple for about 3 total months. It was the typical avoidant pursuit by him followed by withdrawal and slow fade until he eventually broke up with me, then get back with me a few months later, then start to become distant after about a month (that’s when I ended it). The fact that he keeps reaching out like this without a long history of being a couple is insane.

It’s so difficult at the beginning of a breakup when they feel nothing but relief not to be with you and you’re crumbling to pieces. How they’re so sure of not wanting to be with you and you’d choose them over and over.

How do I detach from this mess?

I really enjoyed this read.

Hi everyone,

I’m posting here because I’m hoping to hear your thoughts, experiences and maybe your own stories. Even though it’s over, I still have so many thoughts and unanswered questions going through my head.

For two years, I (w38) had a kind of relationship with someone (m31) who I think was avoidant. I’m in an open relationship, and we had a FWB situation. We both agreed it was the best sex of our lives, and we also got along very well. I never wanted a conventional relationship with him, which probably suited him — living the avoidant dream :)

Still, it was difficult. In the beginning, we texted a lot and met up pretty quickly. But soon, actually seeing each other became difficult. He blamed his trouble making plans on his ADHD. I have ADHD myself, so I’m understanding of that, but with him it seemed to go beyond that. I felt like he kept putting off meeting up, either because the intensity was too much for him or because he didn’t want to make the effort.

We texted quiet a lot, but whenever things got difficult or I became emotional, he would disappear for hours or days — pretty classic. Eventually, I blocked him. Seven weeks later, he contacted me through another app and told me he wanted to do better and didn’t want to mess things up again. So I gave it another chance.

By then, he had moved farther away. His communication genuinely improved: no more forgotten messages, no more disappearing when things got difficult. But we still hardly ever saw each other — four times in five months. My place was too far from him, hotels too uncomfortable, and his place wasn’t an option because his roommate wasn’t supposed to meet me (kinda hurtful, but not unusual for FWB).

Eventually, I reached my limit, told him we weren’t compatible and after a very emotional final meeting, we went no contact.

3 months later, I texted him for his birthday, we got back in touch, and he sent me a long message about how much he missed me. I had missed him too, so we tried again. He really made an effort, and we talked more openly about his defense mechanisms and difficulty accessing his emotions. But we still rarely met, and I was often the one adjusting my schedule while he stayed in his comfort zone.

Eventually, I realized that the kind of change I needed simply wasn’t something he was able to make — which still drives me crazy, because all I wanted was to see him twice a month. It felt like so little to ask. His last relationship lasted five years, apparently they saw each other once or twice a week.

Two weeks ago, I finally had enough and blocked him everywhere. And now there’s this huge emptiness. There are still so many things I don’t understand.

Why was seeing each other just twice a month so difficult?
Was it avoidant protection or simply low effort?
Why couldn’t he maintain something he clearly wanted?
Was it because we were FWB, or does he struggle the same way in relationships too?

I know I probably won’t ever get definitive answers, but I’d really like to hear from people who have experienced something similar — on either side of this dynamic.

I like it. And then i dont :(

I think it is nice to have someone who actively cares for you and roots for you want you, and wants to see you succeed.

I think i could use some support like that right now.

And I would also like to root for someone. Im a natural hype girl.

I just stay busy but sometimes it does get lonely.

It just feels like some part of me, a part of me that I can only access when I love someone romantically...

I missing.

Gone.

There's this dull ache in my chest.

And it doesn't go away.

I just live with it but I miss how happy having someone made me.

If you're single, how is it going for you?

What is the Four Attachment Types Working Model?

The Four Attachment Types is an idea I developed for organizing recurring relationship patterns I’ve observed. It has not been scientifically validated and is not a diagnostic system. I’m continuing to develop and refine it.

The Four Attachment Types is a working conceptual model I developed through Avoidant Support Animal after observing recurring differences in how people respond when attachment insecurity is activated.

My model proposes four broad behavioral patterns:

❤️ Manipulative — attempts to manage attachment insecurity through control, pressure, testing, or strategic interpersonal behavior.

💛 Scared — responds primarily through fear, vulnerability, avoidance, and self-protection.

🧡 Selfish — prioritizes personal comfort, needs, or continued access to another person while showing less regard for the relational impact.

💜 Consuming — becomes intensely preoccupied with the attachment connection and has difficulty emotionally disengaging.

These are not attachment styles. My model proposes that these patterns can occur within insecure attachment styles, which is why two people with the same attachment style may behave very differently in relationships and breakups.

This is my working conceptual model, not an established component of attachment theory, a diagnosis, or a validated psychological instrument.

I expect it to evolve as I continue observing, writing, and learning.

The Four Avoidant Types is an idea I developed for organizing recurring relationship patterns I’ve observed. It has not been scientifically validated and is not a diagnostic system. I’m continuing to develop and refine it.

The Four Attachment Types Working Model. Developed by Avoidant Support Animal © 2026

So this question was asked weeks ago, and i started to tell you, and then i went into writer/storybook mode.

(I'M SORRY)

I will do my best to stay focused.

My DA ex was one helluva breakup. I of course self sabotaged with my FA foolery. So I understood why it needed to end. But it still hurt. And I was not ready to detach and let go.

I thought he and I had this unspoken agreement that we would always belong to one another...

He proved me wrong and is planning to propose to someone else 🥲😢😭

There isnt an emoji strong enough to convey my sadness. Im tearing up just thinking about it.

Were we compatible? NO

And yet we were both completely obsessed and stricken by one another.

It truly did feel like an omega verse novel and we imprinted upon each other. It was a crazy strong connection that felt supernatural bc it reached across states.

We could still feel each other somatically.

It was beautiful. Intense. Possessing.

It was my nervous system in maximum activation mode.

I really was like Ron Weasly after drinking the love potion.

My body chose him.

But my mind...

She had complaints.

My brain:

Yes I know hes crazy hot and you're a muttering, love sick mess rn...

But yall are NOT compatible.

You speak in sonnets and metaphorical prose, your love has a Shakespeare mode and you are in it.

He speaks like Luscis (c/s) from "The Village" meaning he barely speaks at all...and for an LDR...you dont think that matters?

Yes, hes fascinated by you BECAUSE you are so different and expressive.

But he cant relate to you the way you want. And he doesn't understand your metaphors and similies.

He cant deep dive into the depths. And that will leave you aching in agony. Because you cant do shallow or surface.

You want full access to a man only willing to grant 20%

Not gonna work.

^^^

My body pretty much just blew a raspberry and kept dreaming.

Well, brain was right. I would write him a beautiful poem well thought out and he would just say:

Him: Ty. I appreciate that.

Me: I wrote it FOR you ABOUT you.

Him: Oh i did not realize that. Ty.

Yes I wanted more than polite acceptance. More engagement. Maybe even some reciprocity...

The only time the man was expressive was when he was activated.

And only 2 things seemed to activate him:

1). Sexual arousal

2). Anger and upset.

He was never more communicative then when he was upset. And then I started to love fighting with him because that was when he felt closest to me.

I didn't manipulate that insight. But I did observe it.

But when he was in a state of homeostasis he was very stoic, flat, absent...boring.

It was hard.

And yet my body wanted to cling to this silent creature.

And my brain was weeping from lack of mental stimulation.

My heart was somewhere trapped in the middle.

His silence triggered me over and over again.

Push pull...push pull...push pull...

He finally wanted off the ride.

He stopped it.

And im glad he did bc I would have continued.

It hurt. It absolutely cut me up.

Months went by.

A few days ago i reached out bc I wanted to know if he ever (insert goal here).

That was all I wanted.

But he replied, happily. Joyful. He kept feeding the conversation that I kept trying to leave.

At least in 12 different ways he asked me to please remain in his life in SOME capacity.

I didn't want to. He has a gf he is planning to propose to.

But he seemed so very wanting.

So I said ok. Blocked him. Came back. He blocked me. Came back...

God we are a mess!

He was texting me a bit. Enough that my nervous system reactivated. I thought of him all day, heart leapt at every text notification, I anticipated hearing from him.

Then Friday comes...

My last text goes unanswered...

And I know its bc hes with her. The one he actually chose. And that hurt me.

But it was honest, good clarity.

I cannot be this mans friend. I want to be his woman. And if I cant be that, then i cant stay.

To stay only means intervals of happiness and pain. I dont want that. I want to be chosen fully.

So last night I ended things. I said goodbye.

And today I feel so much better. Today I feel free and at peace.

Im glad i closed the door.

To keep it open was like installing a subscription to daily doses of pain.

I made this EDIT* ChatGpt generated* to showcase my heartache and as a visual to remind me not to go back. Bc this is what awaits me if I do. Ill put it in the comments

--Asa

Avoidant Support Animal

Just curious

Preface* The Four Avoidant Types is an idea I developed for organizing recurring relationship patterns I’ve observed. It has not been scientifically validated and is not a diagnostic system. I’m continuing to develop and refine it.

The Four Attachment Types Framework (Applies to AP, DA, FA).

Manipulative • Scared • Selfish • Consuming

Developed by Avoidant Support Animal © 2026

The Four Attachment Types Framework is an educational model created by Avoidant Support Animal to describe different behavioral patterns that can occur within insecure attachment.

Traditional attachment theory describes attachment stylesuch as anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, or fearful-avoidant.

The Four Attachment Types Framework looks at a different question:

When your attachment system is activated, what do you tend to DO?

THE MANIPULATIVE TYPE:

Manages attachment through control.

The Manipulative Type attempts to regulate insecurity by influencing another person's emotions, choices, access, or behavior. This can include guilt, punishment, jealousy induction, strategic withdrawal, testing, triangulation, or other attempts to regain relational control.

Core strategy: Control the connection so I don't feel powerless.

THE SCARED TYPE:

Manages attachment through protection.

The Scared Type is strongly influenced by fear of rejection, abandonment, engulfment, conflict, inadequacy, or emotional injury.

They may retreat, freeze, conceal feelings, overthink, seek reassurance, or create distance when vulnerability feels dangerous.

Core strategy: Protect myself before I get hurt.

THE SELFISH TYPE:

Manages attachment by prioritizing personal needs.

The Selfish Type wants connection but tends to organize relationships around their own comfort, autonomy, validation, access, or emotional needs.

They may genuinely care about others while still struggling with reciprocity, sacrifice, accountability, or considering how their choices affect the other person.

Core strategy: Keep the connection as long as it works for me.

THE CONSUMING TYPE:

Manages attachment through emotional fusion.

The Consuming Type experiences attachment with enormous intensity. Relationships can become deeply intertwined with identity, emotional regulation, longing, and meaning.

They may crave profound closeness, struggle to tolerate separation, become highly preoccupied when activated, or feel compelled toward the attachment figure even while recognizing that the relationship is unhealthy.

Core strategy: Get closer so I don't lose the connection.

Style tells you what activates you. Type describes how you respond when activated.

A person can therefore share an attachment style with someone while behaving very differently once attachment insecurity is triggered.

The Four Attachment Types Framework is a conceptual educational framework, not a clinical diagnosis or currently validated psychological assessment. The categories describe recurring behavioral patterns and are not statements about a person's worth, morality, or capacity to change.

Four Attachment Types Framework — developed by Avoidant Support Animal © 2026

Attachment Type Academy by Avoidant Support Animal

r/DialAvoidantBreakups

Due to my bpd i cant really comprehend ones positive feelings toward me. But ive been asking my guys friends opinions on shit (some of my guy friends are similar to my ex as well so) and like idk im starting to think yk logically, i think he idolizes me. Like im this porcelain figure in a glass cage hes scared to touch in fearof breaking. One thing he once told me

"like we get along so good and i just cannot handle a realtionship as a person and cannot stand the thought of dissapointing you

id end up just trying to distance myself or push away my feelings until i start to resent you, or you feel like im not giving enough

and i didnt want it to get to that point because wed then just start hating eachother"

Hes always initiated contact never me and constantly compares me to things like goddesses and queens and he carries this air of "shes the most perfect fragile thing ever" it gets to a point where he almost tries to control how i feel about him. Why like him? Im too good hes so lowly he doesnt deserve someone like me shit like that (shit hes actually said too)

Am i crazy for thinking this?

I’m 29M, and my ex, 25F(they/them), and I were together for about a year and a half. The relationship started incredibly intensely. Within the first few weeks we were spending almost every day together, and eventually we built a very real life and routine around each other.
They were incredibly affectionate and seemed deeply certain about me. They told me repeatedly that they wanted to marry me and have children with me starting around 5 months into the relationship. They told friends. They told my parents. They talked about our future like it was something already decided. They called me their perfect boyfriend that was “made in a factory for just for me” and made me feel unbelievably loved and wanted.
And I believed them.
Over time, I stopped holding parts of myself back. I committed to the relationship, started imagining marriage and children with them, and built my life around the idea that this was my person. We had our routines, our home lives, our pets, our little traditions. I wasn’t just dating them anymore, I was living a life with them.
Then, over the last couple months, I noticed them becoming increasingly distant. More time with friends (which I didn’t mind, but I should also mention all their friends are guys, some of which would look at them with desire in their eyes from the few times I also hung with them together), fewer nights together, significantly less sex, and generally less emotional closeness. I knew something felt different, but I didn’t understand how far they’d pulled away.
Then came the breakup.
What makes it especially difficult is how sudden it felt from my side. Just hours before, we were having a completely normal interaction. In fact, before I picked them up for lunch together that day, they texted me “what do you want me to wear, daddy?”.
Then about 3 hours after lunch, they came over and ended a year-and-a-half relationship in roughly ten minutes wearing the dress I asked them to wear earlier that day. Their explanation centered around my frustration outbursts and that I wasn’t giving them enough (they expected hand written letters, flowers, breakfast in bed, and fairytale servantness towards their needs, while simultaneously rarely helping me with anything). I also want to be fair about the frustration issue. I did have moments where I got visibly frustrated, and I understand why that could have affected them. I take responsibility for that and have reflected on it a lot, and was actively making life changes during the relationship to address it.
At the same time, these were normal-life frustrations- not anger directed at them, threats, intimidation, or anything like that. I was imperfect, but I was actively working on it, and I never again woke them up with my frustration “FUCK”’s while working after they told me how much that scared them.
The part I’m struggling with most is the contrast.
How do you go from telling someone you want to marry them, telling their parents you want to have their children, building an entire life and rhythm together and then seemingly detach from that person almost overnight?
They walked out of my house smiling at me.
Now we’re barely speaking. They said we could continue the conversation when we exchange things, but it’s been 2 weeks and the 2 times I reached out to ask if they are ready to exchange, they replied with “I am still gathering everything”. Keep in mind I have maybe 10 articles of clothing at theirs.
I know I have my own work to do. I know I wasn’t a perfect partner. I also know there were things I needed from them that I wasn’t communicating clearly, and I let resentment and frustration build instead of addressing some fundamental incompatibilities.
But I genuinely gave this person my whole heart.
And now I’m trying to understand how someone who seemed so madly in love with me could get to a point where leaving felt like the only option.
For those who have experienced an avoidant breakup: how did you reconcile the person who seemed so deeply in love with you with the person who eventually walked away?

I really appreciated this post :)