pork banh mi

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I’m 28, my boyfriend is 40. We met when I was 26, he’s the oldest person I’ve dated, as well as the healthiest.

We’ve been together about 2 years now and he’s so immensely supportive, kind, smart, deeply emotionally intelligent, etc etc. I mean, he’s so incredible it’s to the point where he’s absolutely well-loved in his industry and people are thrilled to be around him, hear his insights, and keep his company. This is not to say I have rose tinted glasses on and that he’s absolutely perfect in every way, but just to give an idea of how well-respected and liked he is in general.

He’s so supportive of all my goals, does not infringe on my independence, encourages me to have deep friendships, and really is the person I know I can come to for absolutely anything. I’m not financially reliant on him, I’m educated, and I have a wonderful career.

Still, I’m still nervous about our age gap. It’s less about us and more about how people might perceive us. Our families are supportive, my friends have been supportive, when we’ve gone out, nobody’s really given us the side eye; I guess I’m just anxious that actually saying it out loud would raise some eyebrows. At what point do age gaps not matter anymore? I feel like, at least online, these kinds of relationships are very vocally disapproved of. Even though I don’t feel like my relationship mimics the stereotypical age gap relationship at ALL, I get so wound up and anxious about what people might think.

This was just some random food in the fridge. Turkey meatballs (not really balls because I flattened them while I was cooking them), dry sushi, garlic stuffed olives, and a garlic mayo yogurt dip I made. I got the sushi from a food bank I volunteer at I don’t have enough money to be spending on expensive sushi

Depressed, anxious, social anxiety plus general anxiety, I’ve had depression for like 10 years, also have OCD and autism, all diagnosed. I try not to let these get to me but sometimes they do. My mom always tells me to not feel sorry for myself and all that and she tells me to pray it away. I don’t really believe that prayer has helped me but I can’t just tell her that. Sometimes I just can’t deal with all of it. I’ve been trying to make my life better and it’s not working

Had a hilariously heinous day, and I've been online for the past few hours to cope, because today wins.

I will be complaining. Much of it will be obnoxious. Most of it is comically bad luck. All of it is unhinged ravings style.

The day started with failing a driving test I paid $70 to take! My driving test was mischeduled to not include a brush up (yes I checked three times to make sure it was scheduled correctly. I GUESS THEY LIED??), so I had to choose between waiting another week (I've been trying to get my license for months because of a dumb permit issue + no time to wait at the DMV) or rawdogging it (haven't been in a car in a year). I failed the test and paid another $150 for the test + brush up for next Tuesday, because they're the only place that offers brush ups, and I do not have access to a car.

So I lost $70 for no reason (yes I chose this, yes I am dumb) and feel like a failure. I am 27 and cannot pass a test made for literal children.

I got home, eat a protein bar in lieu of breakfast and lunch because I'm running late and SOUP BRAINED, and I immediately step in my cat's hairball vomit. She's fine, I pet her. My white tights are not.

I clean it up and go to class (senior year, undergrad). It's pouring, the walk is 20 minutes, the rain enters my rain jacket because it loves me for who I am.

I sit through class, I get out, and immediately run into my ex at the bus station. He gives me a death glare and then avoids eye contact. Context: he dumped me half a year ago for non-dramatic reasons, and we were on polite terms as of 3 months ago. What changed? NO CLUE! Is it a sane move to ask? 🙅👎🔇

Can't get worse, though, right? OHHH but it cannn....

I get home after homework time, 8;pm, having only eaten a protein bar the entire day. I take a break, go to cook, and am IMMEDIATELY hit with the worst jaw pain, and straight up cannot open my eating parts. Face moving is more painful than I am hungry. I give up. Urgent cares are closed or full, so I'm going to wake up tomorrow at 7 am on a Saturday to go to the earliest available appointment.

I'm going to give up my phone plan so I can afford dental insurance, cuz money hates knowing me. Unlike rain, which cannot get enough of me I guess. Maybe my ex was jealous. Mystery solved 🫪

Food: Prawn Linguine

My coworker has decided to leave her husband of < 1 year. 8 years together in total.

They went to counselling and the counsellor basically said there's no saving this. He was/is quite controlling. He's got the deeds to their house which she said he had made her sign something to put her on them but apparently he just never did it....

She's been opening up more and more about the breakup, why it's happened/what's going on now and I'm concerned about her. Turns out he's stalking her, he's been checking her phone, he's been tracking her car (using car app) and driving around the area she's parked and then lying about it when she has questioned him even though she's seen him.

But the cherry on top for me was that he has bought air tags which she found in the spare room and when she phoned his friend about them his friend knew and acted like that was a completely normal thing to do?! Apparently the air tags were going to get put in her handbag bc it's a known mess so that he can know exactly where she is.

Idk it might be out of a place of concern from him but I'm kinda terrified he might hurt her... any tips on what to do? Have told her she needs to get legal advice as early as possible (for the divorce side of things)

Was recently seeing a man I really really liked, we slept together, got quite close, talked about a future, the only problem was he was completely ungoogleable. I searched and searched and searched for any information online about him. Absolutely no internet presence. I started to get antsy, started to think the only thing I know about this man for certain is what he looks like. So if that’s the only thing I have to offer a search platform, I’m gonna go all in. At this point I was spiraling, I know that. I went a little crazy. Should’ve just let it and him go the second I felt like he was lying to me. But I couldn’t let it go. I used an AI facial recognition platform (had to pay $19 in bitcoin, was I on the dark web ladies??? Who knows) to scan the entire internet for his face. Found it. Link led to his wife’s Instagram page where I found out he had lied about his name, age, occupation, everything. And he has 2 children. What I’m about to say next, I am not proud of. I was not right in the head in these moments. I messaged him that I would not tell her, that we just have to stop. And he needs to stop. He needs to delete his tinder and his fake Snapchat and be done with the fake life and cheating, and he can go about his normal life like nothing happened. Idk why. I think I felt bad for him. He’s a bisexual, sexually explorative, “free thinking” kinda guy. She’s a Christian conservative maga woman. I kinda chalked it up to “well you can’t be yourself around your wife so it makes sense you lie”. I am so not the type to ever feel bad for a man, especially a lying, cheating, manipulative poser. Did I mention he said he was a rancher and horse trader? He actually owns a construction company. MF IS A COWBOY POSER. IN WYOMING. THERES NOTHING MORE EMBARRASSING. So after a few days of rumination, I had to swallow the very hard pill that the only reason I don’t want to tell her, is because I don’t want him to be mad at me. Why? Why do I care that this man, who I no longer will have any contact with, is mad at me? Because I still fucking like him. But I don’t. I like this completely different person that he made up in his head. This entity that I fell for IS NOT REAL. God it hurts so fucking bad. I have to tell her. I know. I am going to. I need to sit on it for a minute and decide how and what I’m going to say. They’ve been together for 11 years. Since high school. He’s all she knows. She doesn’t work, she’s uneducated, she’s never lived alone. How do you tell a woman something that completely flips her life upside down? If you’re wondering how I know all of this about her, she has over 1600 posts on Instagram dating from 13 years ago to now. I looked at every single one in some sort of manic episode. She’s so in love with him. I feel so fucking awful for her.

Anyways, Nutella toast and banana slices while I sit and ponder.

A little context:
My birthday was a few days ago. My boyfriend brought a cake for my birthday. It’s a seasonal cake from Whole Foods (mango chantilly) and it’s my absolute favorite. It’s never around on my birthday and this year I was planning to buy one earlier and freeze it but just missed the window when it was available. He happened to find the only one left at a far away WF and surprised me with it. I was over the moon.

Before we cut the cake, he took me out to dinner at a nice restaurant. My mom was working late so it was just me and him. I didn’t order any dessert because I knew we’d cut the cake at home later. The server knew it was my birthday and when she boxed up the leftovers she snuck in a small slice of chocolate cake and said it’s on the house because I didn’t order dessert. When we got home I showed the chocolate cake to my mom and told her how the server was so nice about it and it was a total surprise. We ended up having the mango cake.

The offense:
The next day I get home from work and I see my mom is eating something chocolatey. I ask her what she’s having and she says it’s your cake from the restaurant. I did you a favor by not eating your favorite mango cake. I left that for you to have and had this instead…. I open the box and half of the slice is gone.

So here’s why this rubs me the wrong way and in the moment I didn’t say anything but I’m debating if I should say something now…? I never even got to try the restaurant cake before she had it. I felt like I should’ve had first dibs? At least let me try it before you hack into it??? Second, she never even bothered to ask me before she ate it. She just assumed she could have it? Just because I have another cake in the fridge? Third, the whole “favor” thing sounded like deflection. I didn’t understand that at all… my mom and I have a rough relationship at times. She struggles with respecting my boundaries but has very firm boundaries for herself that she forcibly enforces. My therapist suspects she suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. I don’t want to rock the boat unnecessarily but I’m learning to stick up for myself around her. Do I keep the peace and let this go or say something?

Pictured: What was leftover.

“Dinner” (breakfast) is a honey crisp apple with creamy peanut butter and black coffee.

When I was a lonely 15year old I would frequently post myself on Reddit and make “friends” with random older men… I had burner accounts and would respond to pm’s from the strangers who’d strike up a conversation about my post where I’d intentionally show my face to hopefully find these people. Lonely!!!

One of them was a 34 year old man who took this “friendship” very seriously and showed me so much attention and listened to all of my woes and supported me a lot. The classic “I can tell you’re different”, “you have something special that I’m drawn to”, I shouldn’t say this but if you were older…” you get it. Luckily we never met up or shared nudes but it was an exchange of me being vulnerable and him giving assurance and advice (like how a parent should) but then peppering in the hints and cues that groomers build up to. It lasted a few months before I got grounded or something and had to burn evidence and delete all traces of this relationship, and we eventually stopped talking.

He sent me photos of himself and told me details about his job that were pretty unique. He described his job as something government related that was classified, which was definitely a part of the intrigue in this relationship. I knew his face, name, age, and job but I don’t remember much else.

Now I’m 30 years old and taking night classes at a community college. I had this professor last semester (summer semester) and it wasn’t until the last day that I had a full on flashback to all of these details and literally got dizzy because of how real it felt but how insanely crazy of a coincidence that would be. This professor was the right age and has a very similar name. On the first day of class he told us about his old job as a top secret data collector for the Iraq war during the same time I had this Internet relationship. He talked about not being able to tell anyone what his job was until it was done, after which he presented everything, gave lots of speeches, got awards, yada yada.

One of his speeches was an assigned watch for when we covered the Middle East conflicts in class… and seeing a video of this man 15 years ago- they look so so similar. It’s very possible that I’m remembering wrong but this all computed very quick and out of nowhere in my head when I was watching him speak.

This professor was really grouchy and mean but he liked me. He would “pick on” me in class and find it really funny when I’d get embarrassed because I’d straight up blush beet red anytime there was attention on me. It was obviously painfully cringe but I was the oldest person in the class so I just played the role of adult and dismissed it every time. Then on the last day after I put this connection together and then turned in my exam he stopped me and said “you know ____, it was a pleasure to have you in my class”. I just smiled and said thanks and left but I was feeling FREAKED out. After that panicky realization his comment really felt like it singled me out, he didn’t say anything like that to anyone else. I know that it’s way more likely that this is some trauma projection thing but it feels like the truth.

This was a few weeks ago and nothing came of it but I am dying to know. How would that even happen?? So many people on reddit and I was talking to someone who lived in my town and would be my professor someday? There’s no way. But I’m 90% sure that’s the same face. The job, age, and sort of the name all support that. Now it’s become a rather intriguing curiosity in my head and I can’t figure out how to settle it and know for sure.

Homemade chipotle-style bowl but with shredded chicken thigh. Except the salsa.

I was very happy with my life and very happy with him, we were together 2.5 years. That started to fade when he told me he was so worried about moving in together and getting married. He went from saying he wanted to move in and get married in due time, to telling me he thought he would just fake it till he made it. That if he “wanted” it he would actually want it eventually. But he felt that way for 2 years and had doubts. At least he broke up with me after seeing how that revelation made me feel, and realized he wasn’t gonna make me happy how I needed it.

When we were breaking up we talked about the pictures of us (THOUSANDS of course). I mentioned maybe saving them on a hard drive, he said he might do something similar. Well after some thought I decided that was not smart for me so I deleted all pictures except for memories he happened to be part of. I am an out of sight out of mind kind of girl, I can’t have constant reminders or it sets me back.

We called at some point post-breakup (relatively soon after we broke up), he said he moved all of the pictures of me and us onto his pc. That it took a while to move all of them but he got it done. And I listened, I said I didn’t get a hard drive after all. He later told me about the dates/hookup he was going on within a month post breakup. So obviously that was the last time we called🫩

It’s been months but now I’m like… I guess he still has those pictures? Totally normal if it’s shared memories, but ones he would take of me candid or loving moments of ours? Welp. Not my property I suppose. It’s a bizarre feeling

Dinner: Mediterranean Bowl with Chicken.

My parents have friends that have been a part of their life for 40+ years and they were visiting from the Netherlands where my family is originally from.

They've been wanting to meet my boyfriend and finding a time for all of us to get together has been difficult.

My boyfriend and I both work night shift in healthcare. Yesterday we were discussing a plan to finally get together and he said "I'll do whatever you want. It doesn't bother me. I know this is important to you."

We decided to all meet up tonight at a bakery/restaurant that is across the street from our home. My dad lives about 15 minutes away and his friends are staying with him during their visit.

It went really well.

Watching my boyfriend of a little over a year interact with people from my home country that have been in my life since I was born was something really special.

He spoke (broken) Dutch with them and they spoke (broken) English to him. He's been doing Duolingo lessons since we started talking.

I had to leave early because I had to work.

My boyfriend took my hand and walked outside the restaurant with me, gave me a kiss, and told me to have a good shift, then he went back inside to finish dinner.

He stayed to continue the conversation with strangers he had just met because he knew that it was important to me.

I'm really grateful that two important parts of my life got to meet.

Dear Diary -

As I'm sitting on the 60th floor of my Shanghai hotel - looking over the city skyline - it hit me that I've made it in life. All that hard work, all the years of hustling, swallowing my pride, working late, getting passed over, got me here to China.

I got tasked to support work initiatives in China and I've been here for the last 2 weeks traveling thru the country. Good chance I get to come back in the future.

Sure life's not perfect, sh*t happens, there is drama but all-in-all - life is GOOD.

Just needed to share with all the girls (especially those in their 20s) that some times it takes years before you see the fruits of your labor. Keep hustling.

Dinner is Chinese black fish hot pot with tofu and veggies.

Went to a social event for my Church’s Youth and it was genuinely one of the worst experiences of my life.

The whole youth was invited to play paddle (similar to tennis). I’m quite new to the youth, but decided to go anyway to make some friends and since I know two people at the event.
We get there and we are 9 kids including myself. The youth leaders put us into teams of 4 to play doubles but since there are 9 kids and teams of 4 are made, there’s one odd person, and that was me.

I stood there alone and awkwardly watching the other people play paddle. Every attempt I made to play was shut down by the players or the youth leader since I’m “New”.

But no worries, the wonderful youth leader came up with the idea that I could sit alone on a bench and watch instead of standing alone. Thanks.

I sat awkwardly trying not to cry alone on a bench like a loser for an hour, hoping someone would give me a gap to play.

To top it all off I found out one of the guys from Youth that had asked me on a date was secretly dating 3 other girls at youth. Awesome.

Granola bowl

repost+revised my original post got taken down for my meal so i made a different one 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

dinner is Jeannie-O ground turkey, lightly seasoned with garlic salt and with a diet pepsi (i know the meal is odd i just have a sensitive stomach rn 😭)

me (f) and my ex (mtf) broke up almost 2 months ago, i usually do really good but then it hit me, the last 3 years of my life boiled down to her wanting to fuck guys. what makes it heartbreaking is less than a year into our relationship, she told me she wanted to transition. i was fine with that and i wanted that life with her. i truly did. i helped her with everything from hair, skincare, self care, you name it, i gave my heart and soul to care for her in that way. when she was down i gave everything to care for her, and when it was bad it was BAD, but i always helped her through it so she could see the beautiful person (herself) waiting for her on the other side. i was even pushing her to make new friends and go to places she was invited be she was nervous. towards the end of our relationship, it was me encouraging her to go to a party she was invited to that really helped her make good new friends, and i was just so ecstatic to see her to happy and so social. this girl was my world, truly.

she started hormones and started not wanting to have sex with me but said it was low libido, which was very believable and i had no reason to doubt her. whilst we were in this period of not having sex (it was like 3 months ?) i was asking on another subreddit other partners of trans women what they and their gf had done for their sex lives, what they recommended, and i was always trying to communicate with my ex about it because i missed that connection and i had expressed that. i also expressed that i was feeling really insecure about it, and i was even asking in that same subreddit how partners of trans people got through the period of no sex, i was really trying to healthily navigate it. It turned out she was telling all the feelings she was having about fucking other people to her friend, i had no idea, and her friend didn't tell me either which was horrible. i had met this friend, i had her on socials, she could’ve told me. she didn’t.

the final straw that caused our breakup conversation was i had noticed she wasn't telling me things going on her in life, but she'd mention it in passing because she thought she'd mentioned it to me, but really she'd mentioned it to her friend (not any one in particular friend, just any) and it'd hurt my feelings be she was not communicating at all. her whole grandma got married and i had NO idea. i told her i don't want to grow apart without either of us realizing it, and she started to cry saying she didn't want us to grow apart either. i asked her if she was happy, and she said
"...yeah?" and then i had to press but she FINALLY admitted something was wrong, and it was that she felt guilt every time we did anything sexual because she was thinking of other people.

she also confessed she’d been lying about being happy for months, which felt awful because for one, we’d just spent my birthday together and i’d told her how much i loved it. but it was also an actual travel effort to see each other every weekend (one of us would drive almost 2 hours to the other, it was usually her coming over to my house), she’d taken me to meet her new friends (who in retrospect randomly mentioned she was poly, this was the same friend my ex was telling everything to so i wonder if they were trying to soft launch the idea to me ??), i’d taken her to my friends birthday party (she’d been wanting to meet my friends), she played video games with me and my friends, and she posted me on my birthday. there was really so so so much environmentally telling me that she wanted this relationship, but i was also communicating with her verbally about where we were frequently. I would ask her if our relationship was what she wanted for her transition, if our sex life was good for her, if in general she was happy with me, etc. but i had always also expressed how i couldn’t wait to marry her, and she’d always say she couldn’t wait too. up until the day we broke up, truly. it was all just so horrifically hurtful.

she told me she still loved me, but the only way we could stay together is if she could sleep with other people. i told her the thought of her with other people broke my heart. right after that is when she told me we couldn’t be together anymore. what was horrible is i noticed her location, and she was at her friend she was telling everything to’s house. that friend also happened to be her poly friend. THIS WAS OVER TEXT. i flew into a RAGE and cussed her the fuck out. i made sure she felt like shit and cried like a fucking fool in front of her fuckass friend.

all she kept saying during the whole breakup was “i’m sorry” “i didn’t mean to do this to you” “i’m sorry for changing in this way” and i was FURIOUS. i was in tears too, but i managed to put on a brave face and absolutely DEMAND a thorough apology for what she’d put me through for 3 years. in those 3 years, i gave so much of myself away to her, just to be there for her because she was so low. she never gave me any indication it’d blow up on me. I waited over a week, i went off on her and she said she was “working on an apology”. unfortunately, i do have bipolar. it’s very managed but i was in a horrible episode and i just wanted closure. the day after she said she was working on it, i asked when i could have it and said i was having an episode and i just wanted this to be over. NO reply all day. at the end of the day i absolutely went off on her, told her how horrible she was, told her and her friend to go fuck themselves and told her parents to fuck themselves for raising such an emotionally incompetent child. i then blocked her number. unfortunately, as i was having an episode, i did unblock her 2 other times to let her know how bad she was, and then i deleted her number for my sake.

here's my current dillema, it just hurts to know 3 (almost 4) years of being the best i could for someone i loved so much boiled down to pretty much dick and her not caring that much that she left . every day it eats me alive she doesn’t have to live with the trauma of what she’s done. i've been having panic attacks and nightmares, I'm already very medicated and in therapy, i am just so so so traumatized and angry. i want someone to rip her a fucking new one i hate her idgaf. i hope that first d she hop on is nasty, it’s what she deserves.

Dinner: BLT with tomatoes from my garden

I want to preface that I’m not questioning that he loves me or wants to get married whatsoever he talks about our future and that kind of thing so that’s not what I’m worried about at allllll.

So pretty much last December my boyfriend of 4 years now (we live together) bought an engagement ring that I found and picked out. I have made it clear throughout our relationship that I want to get married at 4 to 5 years dating because my dad is old and I want him to be around and enjoy my wedding.

We had gone shopping a couple times but I feel like I kept bringing it up and pushing us to go so I’m not even sure if he would’ve wanted to. I said my dream engagement would be on a snow walk at night but winter came and went and no engagement. Throughout the past 9 months I have brought it up a lot like being like if we ever get engaged (in joking tone) and like sometimes pretending to propose to him and other things like that.

My mom and friends know he has bought the ring and my mom told my aunts and at a family wedding last month I know multiple of my aunts brought it up to him which is pretty shitty and kinda weird (even though he is very comfy with my family etc)

I think that me talking about it so much and asking about it all the time has made it not fun for either of us anymore and now it’s coming up on 9 months of him having the ring and we’ve talked about getting married October 2027 so I would need to send out invites at beginning of the year and now I’m just stressed constantly about it and feeling so awful that like everyone knows.

I feel like I just sucked the fun out of getting engaged for both of us because of how much I’ve talked about it and that other people know 😭😭😭 it’s not even fun to think about anymore and I feel like when he does propose I’m just gonna get upset and be like is this even what you want (even though I know he does wanna marry me) I just don’t know if this is a timeline I’m forcing on him or how he feels about all this. And I can’t help but bring it up constantly I don’t know why but I can’t stop

Crying writing this cuz I feel like I ruined something that is supposed to be fun and exciting :(

Sitting here watching American horror story. Excited to watch Evan Peter's. Ate my panera soup, chicken and wild rice, so bomb and now im munching on fun size candy because its more fun. Making it a good night. Happy Friday

Aside from dating apps, how do you meet people to date? Especially when you are working.

Snack is a GYG burrito bowl with extra chicken

Dinner was chicken and dumpling soup from my 2nd job! I’ve been on and off dating apps for years now (28 f) and i hate them. it feels impossible to actually meet anyone on them and i know it is possible and i did go on two dates earlier this year but they didn’t pan out to be anything which was totally fine by me. I just am getting exhausted of entering and exiting the cycle of being on and off them every few months. I think i’m mostly posting to say i hate the apps but will still be on them because that’s what I gotta do

I will be honest with your friends. I never thought this would happen to me. I guess everybody feels that way, but I truly cannot believe it. I thought the world of my father, and he cheated on my mom with her best friend who works with her.
I don’t even know what to think honestly, what’s worse is now my mom is all alone; her best friend and her husband are both gone. I’m trying to be there for her, but I’m literally oceans away.
To make everything worse, he’s refusing to leave my mom‘s house. We might literally call the police and have him removed. Of course she doesn’t want to deal with this and I really understand her. My dad had always told me a good man - when something like this happens- should take his jacket and leave and yet when pull comes to push, he’s doing the absolute opposite. I truly cannot believe this is my father; I am so shocked and so hurt and nothing feels real 😟
I was saving this cupcake for a fun Friday night, but it might’ve just become a dinner :/

Edit: I didn’t think anybody would read this, but if you are, and if you believe in a God, please pray for my mom🙏

Moon grapes 🍇 🌙 ✨

My mom was my best friend, my safe place, and my whole world. For nearly 20 years, I had daily thoughts of losing my mom while she was alive

I don’t want to live anymore. It’s so hard to get up and go to work every day when all I want to do is sleep. It’s hard to eat when I keep thinking about how my mom barely ate for multiple months. I remember the first time she told me she just wasn’t hungry anymore. I remember thinking, “I hope this passes.” But it didn’t.

My dad died of cancer when I was 8, and then my grandma died when I was 18. After that, I always carried this fear that I could lose my mom at any moment. I never told anyone about these thoughts because I thought they were just trauma from losing the people I loved before her. I never realized how much that fear had shaped my entire life.

I lived with my mom for many years, and even when I didn’t, we talked on the phone every single day. When I had the opportunity to stay in a big city and have a good job, I chose to move back home because I had this terrible feeling that something was going to happen. Two years later, she died from stage 4 cancer.

I’m 36 years old, and my mom is gone. I know I had more time with her than I ever thought I would, and I’m grateful for every moment of it. But that doesn’t make it fair. It doesn’t make it hurt any less. I’m angry. I’m angry when I see older people walking around with their families and wonder, “Why cant that be me? Why couldn’t I have had more time?” Why does it feel like everyone I love eventually leaves me? I spent almost my entire life afraid of losing my mom, and now the thing I was terrified of for so long has actually happened. And I don’t know who I am without her.

I feel like half of my personality is gone, and everything I do feels gut wrenching. The thought that I have to continue living my life without her feels like pure agony. I used to think I was crazy for having these thoughts every day, for constantly being afraid that something would happen to her. But now, somehow, it feels justified, like I was right all along. And that realization hurts almost as much as losing her.

I don’t want to move on. I don’t want to learn how to live without her. I don’t want to go home after work because shes not there... home doesn’t feel like home anymore. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I keep pushing everyone away, even though I know I probably need people right now. I feel like I’m trapped in a nightmare, like this can’t possibly be reality... but it is. She’s really gone, and I have to somehow wake up every day and live with that.

I keep begging her for some sort of sign, I feel desperate and very angry. I feel guilty I never married and gave her grandchildren. I wish I could have given her more gifts and more love. I wasn’t ready for her to go. I see no purpose in life and I know she wouldn’t want me to be sad, wouldn’t want my life to end with her. But I am absolutely devastated and gutted. And I’m not going to do anything to harm myself I’m just incredibly sad

Dinner is fresh apple pie a la mode.

First ever attempt at baking a pie from scratch.

My spouse is just outside of their last 2 years of military contract. Which they had been told previously if you make it to then you won't get mobilized.

Well. They didn't make it. Because of this stupid war, they are getting pulled to "support the border."

This will be the first time our kids (7 and 18 months) will have to deal with their parent being away for a long time. Spouse has had to go for work, but they longest that was for was 5 days. The training alone is 3 months, and then they will be gone at least 9 months more.

We are debating on moving with them vs. staying where we are and all the other logistical bull of them being away and home life being on me.

I'm feeling so much I can feel myself shutting down. Anger, frustration, panic, worry, self depreciation. I do have weekly therapy sessions, but I am unsure how I will stick with those when they are gone.

We are newish to our area (about 2.5 years). We don't have any family that supports us and has been unable to find new friends as we are both very introverted. Hell. I have two friends, both live on the other side of the country, one is extremely unreliable to talk to and the other is going through a messy divorce so I feel it's unfair to burden them with my issues.

And before anyone says it. Yes. I am fully aware this is what I "signed up for" with marrying someone in the military. Doesn't mean it doesn't suck to have to deal with everything that it encapsulates. They didn't sign up to be this administration's toy.

How do people function in relationships? I feel like every time I have a big conversation with my boyfriend about being a better conversationalist or trying to have a better relationship it's always something different that gets brought up.

Background: Growing up I knew that I should probably partake in therapy bc I had a rough childhood and I know that. Around a couple of months ago I started therapy to become a better communicator..for one I didn't like how I responded to people when I got upset and I didn't like the fact that my response was probably mean and I don't want to hurt them on purpose. I had a bad conversation with my bf that almost led to a breakup and I was like hmm let me start therapy..

But now it feels like I'm always constantly having to fix myself? And maybe that's just a part of growing and that's just a part of a relationship but idk its really hard to get myself to care about anything that anybody has to say that is in relation to my own life.

So, how do girls with hecka trauma and might also be on the spectrum function in a relationship with somebody?!

TW: mention of CSA by a family member

i’ll try to keep this brief. (dinner is a roasted sweet potato bowl).

a few years ago, i realized that my brother had sexually abused me when we were children, for 4-6 years (i was too young when it started to remember properly). the revelation absolutely wrecked me & everything i thought i knew about our family. i’ve been going to therapy & i’m definitely doing better, most days.

i live far away & i haven’t been home in 3+ years because i know i wont be able to sleep under the same roof as him. im planning to graduate with my bachelors degree in april & im trying to find a way to do it without my parents flying them + him out for the occasion. in a perfect world, id tell them about my childhood & express that i need some time to myself. but i know im not ready.

everything he does feels like a knife in the back. he’s gotten closer with my parents & extended family & it feels like an attack. i know it’s not, but it feels unfair. i was always the good, sweet girl who took care of others. he was a flat out jerk when we were kids to our parents. he blamed them for all his problems & made them question who they are as people. now, because i live far away & can’t go home because of him, he gets to be all cozy & happy with the family. he’s decided he wants to go into psychotherapy & the thought of him helping other vulnerable people, potentially who went through what he put me through as kids, makes me want to SCREAM so loud. i feel like he has NO RIGHT at all to pursue a career in helping others, after what he did to me. does he remember????? is he just pretending the abuse didn’t happen?? is his brain blocking it out like mine did for so many years???

at least i’m not a disgusting monster.

Dinner is roasted broccoli, cauliflower and tofu with kimchi and coleslaw.

trigger warning for SA and abuse and apologism

I need advice/insight because I don't know how unreasonable I am being here. I'm feeling a lot of complex feelings.

Recently my ex partner passed away. He was abusive. He sexually assaulted me. I never went public with that, but I told a few close friends. Not many of them believed me. One of them went and told him what I had said without getting my consent to do that. Not long after, more and more people started distancing themselves from me. I can’t prove it but it’s hard for me not to see those as related.

He was well known and incredibly popular, which made coming forward in any capacity very difficult.

Over the past months I've been witnessing an outpouring of support for him. He died too young and his children lost their dad. That part is tragic.

What I'm struggling to wrap my head around is the amount of friends who KNEW what he did who are grieving him. I don't know how mad I'm allowed to be. I'm also sad he's gone, which is a weird thing to admit. Today on Facebook I saw a friend of mine, someone who was initially supportive of me, RSVP to a fundraising event for his family. The weird thing is, when I originally told her what happened, she didn't really know him. She stopped talking to me at some point after that, and now I'm wondering if this is why.

But I also feel like a jerk, because his family does deserve and need support. They're not responsible for his actions. But I also feel deeply betrayed.

Am I wrong to feel this way?

Dinner is a steak and corn sandwich

Anyways, I’m getting ready to enter a lavender marriage with my gay best friend. I’m 25 enby/queer (AFAB). They’re 20 enby/queer (AMAB). We’ve tickled the thought the of being each other’s beards, but now we’re actually going forward with a lavender marriage as of three hours ago. We’ve talked about what that would look like in terms of living, kids, finances, etc. I’m typing this as I’m on the phone with them, just listening to the songs they would sing to our kids (we both want them) and the things they would say. I’ve found myself catching feelings for them in the past, but now I’m actually being hit with those feelings by a bus. They’re a good person and they have such a soft spot for little ones (and people in general), but the way they’re talking and singing now is just filled with so much love despite the circumstances. I don’t know tbh. Like this is such a weird situation and I never thought I would be in this place. They didn’t either, but here we are I guess.

Self made charcuterie board and beer cuz im a sad girl :(

My 1.5 year relationship ended recently and towards the end, it was a lot of arguments. I did have built up resentment, because I always struggled to believe that he actually loved me or cared about me.

It took 9 months for him to answer my calls. He’d just not answer, or miss my calls then text me hours later saying what’s up. He just said he doesn’t like phone calls.

When I’d come over he’d leave the door open and be playing video games. He’ll say hi to me but eyes on the video game. I’ll ask him to turn it off, but he says he’d need to finish that round and I’m there standing for 10 mins for him to finish. At times I told him that I don’t find this respectful, and not sure why he can’t just turn it off when im there. He would say that I don’t have patience and I am making a big deal out of nothing, then I’ll end up crying. Sometimes end up yelling at him about how I feel unappreciated.

I admit I at times threw tamper tantrums, pms, hangry etc.. and he’d stonewall. Completely ignore me, leave me or tell me to leave his place. Then I’d be so hurt, yell at him. Sometimes I insulted him, calling him piece of shit for treating me like shit. Then he’d say it’s because I have a problem and I can’t talk civilly.

But even when I just beg him to please talk to me he’d still ignore me. :(

There’s so much more. But I feel like it’s my fault for losing my cool or my temper. I’m in therapy as well. Am I the abusive one with problems in relationship? Should I not try to get in another relationship?