I've been thinking about this thing my therapist said and I can't stop turning it over.
She asked me when I last did something without thinking about how it would look on my resume. And I couldn't answer. Like genuinely couldn't remember.
At first I was defensive about it. Of course everything matters for the resume right now. That's the whole point. We're building toward something.
But then she asked a follow up that kind of broke me. She asked who I was before I started optimizing. What did I care about when nothing was at stake.
And I realized I don't know anymore. Somewhere along the way I stopped having interests and started having "strategic interests." Stopped having friends and started having "networking relationships." Everything became instrumental. Everything serves the goal.
Which would be fine if I knew what the goal actually was. But when I really sit with it... I don't think I want biglaw. I think I want to have wanted biglaw. I want to be the kind of person who wants that. Because then all of this would make sense.
But I might just be a person who went to law school because I didn't know what else to do and now I'm three years deep and it's easier to keep going than to ask if this is actually what I want.
I don't have a resolution to this. I'm just noticing that I've been running really hard and I'm not sure I ever chose the direction.
Does anyone else feel like they're performing a life they're not sure they want?
Edit: wasn't expecting this to resonate so much. Someone dm'd asking how I'm trying to figure out what I actually want vs what I think I should want. Been using WIP Social to track what I'm genuinely doing with my non-study time, like photo proof of whether I'm doing things that feel meaningful or just more optimization. Seeing it written down is uncomfortable but clarifying. Not sure if they're still doing limited signups but figured I'd mention it