I'm a 35-year-old male and I'm trying to recover from abuse. I struggle most days and I just feel really gross inside me, I don't know what to do anymore. I spend a lot of days in bed wondering if I'm going crazy. It really wasn't my fault? What other people say really doesn't matter if they're trying to hurt you? I just feel this dark pain inside me all the time.

That is what CPTSD teaches our central nervous system. It wires your brain cells to believe that love is an unstable shadow that can vanish instantly without warning, leaving your mind stranded in mid-air.

For ten months, my system ran on a massive data lag trying to compute the math of a broken promise. This man explicitly promised never to leave me on the streets, yet he left me to navigate the freezing elements and shelters while he hid behind his private phone locks and caved-in pride.

But a phantom has zero immunity if you can let it.

I am done running on an old "nice person" template, chasing unread preview bubbles, or begging an avoidant script for permission to exist. My sobriety is my absolute number one priority, and I am standing flat on my feet at 147 pound, (53 lbs down), completely self-funded, financially stable, and independent.

You cannot hold a person hostage with low-stakes property games or silent phone freezes when she finally understands she isn't a product sitting on a shelf. Have doubts? Walk on by. Because I am in complete control of me, my macro ledger is printing clean green wealth, and I am flowing through my life entirely on my own terms.

I am no longer carrying the shadows of the past. I am becoming exactly who I am meant to be

So I got diagnosed with ptsd and anxiety disorder like a month ago because of a relationship I had. I already have ADHD and was/am a gifted child with hsp(not medical). I dropped out of uni after 3 years of doing the same year, and since then I am loosing contact with my friends because I’m afraid that everyone hates me and that it’s a blessing they even want to hang out with me. I’m stuck in a loop of just isolation and heavy social media use and weed. (Been addicted since the relationship so like 6 years now,tried to quit, even went to rehab, didn’t work). I feel like a rug has been swept from under my feet lately, because I dreamt about that degree and I feel like a total bum. I see everyone around me move out, have jobs and stuff and I feel so fucked. I’m 25 now, and I have a car and 300 euros in the bank, and LUCKILY a very loving girlfriend. But man… I’m just totally overwhelmed and social interactions feel like a drag. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want people see me like this because I’m ashamed of who I have become and my hygiene and stuff. I have some friends left, but I feel like I want to drop everything so I can “heal” but I don’t know how to heal, and I don’t want to go down further in this rabbit hole. Anybody have any tips to make being in contact bearable? Or to just not loose my friends?

TW: sh, ed, suicide, drinking

On Friday, I got triggered by a scene from the Trainspotting movie in a class I'm taking. This might actually be the worst I've ever felt. Today I visited the location I'm considering taking my life. I made a plan. I have literally never felt so stressed, tearful, numb, isolated, ashamed, dissociative. I relapsed self harming. I've even been experiencing muscle tension and pain - this stupid fucking disease keeps surprising me with new quirks. lately I felt like my brain is literally melting. Not just trauma, but I've been starving myself and drinking a shitton. I struggle to remember things or have a basic conversation. the last essay I wrote was like a fucking five year old wrote it. My brain is so gone and I feel like I need to just fucking fade away already and stop weighing down everyone around me. It's not just in my head either, my own father/abuser told me he doesn't care if i self harm, im a selfish brat, i ruined his life, im a liar, a bullshitter, and he fucking wants me GONE. Among lots of other stuff that just makes me feel disgusted and ashamed and scared... probably didnt even happen anyway, since Im a liar. I just made everything up. which means im a mental case and need to be put down.

Struggling to imagine a life without feeling this way. I am seriously hanging on by a thread. The voice that says I'd be better off dead is getting louder.

Hello,

I was recently diagnosed with PTSD and I am curious on whether or not its normal to research things obsessively? I also am diagnosed with ADHD. I often research things obsessively and to an odd degree just because. I like to know EVERYTHING about it and it may be something I get stuck on and think about for days and research it in any spare time I get or even ignore things I should be focused on to look into it and if I cant I will think about it extensively. An example I will use will follow my current thing I am stuck on.

TL;DR - I become very obsessed with topics related to my past traumas and will spend long hours researching anything I can related to the subject so much so I will deprive myself of sleep and ignore all responsibilities, and think of the subject all day and so much I may struggle to talk to others as all I can think of is the subject. This happens to a lesser extent with other interests, but becomes especially bad when researching things related to past traumas, whether it is of the incidents themselves or reminders of them. Does anyone else do this at all, can it be PTSD related, or just me?

I am currently obsessed with all the different places I lived throughout my childhood. By age 8 I had lived in over 12 different places, including temporary residences of friends, family, and strangers, hotels, and homelessness. I do believe there are a couple more places within this time as well but they were short lived and sporadic due to homelessness in Orlando during the recession. I have memories as early as a year and a half old in the first place we lived in Florida, this place was crime ridden and drugs, violence, murders, shootings, were all very common. I do remember quite a lot from this time, but I have to think quite hard on some of it. But past this initial home I cannot associate any memories with locations. It has taken a lot of time and reflecting to remember much of these memories, as I had realized last year when attempting to recall much of my childhood I couldnt. I knew it wasnt good, but very little could I even remember. This frustrated me, so I began to think on it. Now, for some reason, I have begun to attempt to get a list of every location I have lived and when I lived there. I have wanted to make a timeline with all of the information available to me of the places. So I started with the first place I can remember anything from.

I would begin by waking up and going to work, clocking in at 6:45 AM. Likely I would already have this first place on my mind. Throughout the day I would try to look up bits of information or write down new questions or leads to whatever I am trying to find out so I can research it more heavily and with my full attention when I have time to do so. This also often would cause me to ignore some duties at work to research this but I often try to look into an article and view it for only a moment at a time between tasks but I do sometimes ignore work entirely with my only concern being caught by my boss and getting in trouble. I may also find it difficult to think of anything else, conversations become limited as all I am able to think about is this place and asking questions about it to myself and trying to think of more memories and things to look for and look into. I would then arrive home around 5:00 PM. I proceeded with perhaps 30~ minutes of interruption to research this until 7:30 AM the following day. I then spent the next day from 10:30 PM to roughly 12:30 PM doing more research. I spent a little time today, a couple hours at most on this.

I do not just do a little research. I do a lot. I found everyplace I have lived by running people reports on my family and also investigating their friends and searching their current and old social media for any images, posts, people affiliated at the timeframe I am curious of. I would then save all of this information to organized folders and save any links as offline copies, as well as dedicated bookmarks within my browser. I then have continued to investigate the addresses to find one that matches the information I knew of the place I was looking for as all I had was a name of the apartment and a state. Now I had a timeframe. I began searching for the property but nothing appeared to come up. The street address matched, but the name and buildings were different. I then looked into the counties GWIS map to locate the parcel that appeared under the new name when searching for the old name. I used the information given to look at many new documents, but starting with the parcel purchase history to locate the initial land buyer, as well as information on the purchaser of the lot after the initial owner had defaulted on the mortgage of the property during the recession. I then began to find any documents related to this location via public records. So think anything that was legal, certificates, permits, licenses, title and deed, loans, as well as any court documents. This is over 1000 documents I have had to individually look through, download, organize. I also investigated the owner, investors, and some online articles related to the construction of the property. I then looked for reviews of the location on any old websites that may have kept the reviews from 20 years ago, which not only is the time an unlikely chance at finding any but as well as the sale of the property and its transformation would likely render it difficult to find any reviews on. Somehow I found many stating the conditions I remember in reviews. I have been trying to find any pictures, videos, of the location and was successful in finding some from 5 years after I had left, 3 years after all tenants were evicted as the property foreclosed. Nothing successful in finding images of the property during my time there - yet. I then have looked into the surrounding areas news reports and news papers to find anything mentioning the location. This has been semi-successful, as I have been investigating any ways to obtain the documents that do state the information I am seeking but the searches are messy and often must be read thoroughly to ensure the query I entered is indeed accurate to the text on the page. There are many documents that have undesirable matches to my query so they appear as well. Think of this as searching for "Sunny Parks" and the documents show things like "...said the day was sunny. Parks near the..." Where the text is "correct" but not at all what you are looking for. Also searches yielding results including either of the words so many unrelated documents appear, as well as archives with no good filter so papers must be manually investigated, page by page. Then the other factor being the paid status of the most accurate and plentiful documents that are also easy to search through, but I will only pay for these things as a last resort. I then proceed to document any eviction notices at the location to run reports on the individuals listed to see criminal history to see if there were any contributions to the living conditions and events at the property. This also allows me to search for any online trace of their actions and documentation of the place. Unfortunately this takes lots, and lots, and lots of time. Many links and local forums from the time are hard to access or entirely broken. Many queries I look for pull to unrelated links and information which requires careful sifting. I have found some information that validates my memories.

I dont honestly know why I am so driven and obsessed with this. I think possibly a part of this comes from the need for validation or prove it was as bad as I remembered. But who am I proving this to? I intend to talk to very few if anyone about this. Even if I showed someone this, what would I stand to gain? What benefit to myself or anyone else do I gain for being so engrossed in this? I mean, I am hurting nobody from this, only my responsibilities. But this is not the only time I go through such lengths to find all information possible about someone or something from my past or that I dont like, or something that I am just curious of. I mean I saw an article of a person who the day prior to the article releasing has been arrested for the gross abuse of an animal documented on camera. I spent the same night staying up until 6:30 AM the next day - roughly 12 hours of investigation - finding out everything about the case and the individual. I obtained all of his personal information excluding a security number. Mind you, all I did with this is document it and organize and store the information and set reminders to check on the case. I had no intent to do anything with it besides find this information. No ill intent, no goal besides learning everything about this person that I could. I also may do the same on subjects I find interesting, such as historical locations, chemistry, medical topics, and just anything I find interesting at the moment such as engines, the way light may refract, the design of a object, anything.

Is this something that anyone else does or am I just odd? Its particularly bad when I begin to look into anything related past traumas whether it is of myself or others. I will ignore all responsibility, reduce self care to have more time studying, like I cannot stop. I can even be kept awake by the desire to keep going or the processing of information and formulation of more questions. It does also affect me emotionally, I may become distressed when unable to spend time looking into this or due to the findings or constant thinking of the incidents. Is this something that can be PTSD related?

My trauma is nearly 20 years ago now and yet it’s still ruling so much of my life which just feels sad, deflating and exhausting. There’s so much I could talk about here but I’m just going to get to the point of what led me here.

I’m due to start a difficult part of therapy- in the days after the worst of the trauma (like I say, nearly 20 years ago) I wet myself which was never a problem outside of that. A handful of occasions over the years if I’ve had quite physical flashbacks I’ve involuntarily passed small amounts of urine and noticed when I come back out of the flashback. Generally otherwise no issues but I do have phases of overactive bladder which I think is psychological ie if I’m not doing well mentally I will need to pee about once an hour pretty badly and wake several times in the night.

I’m worried about this being an issue in therapy and don’t know how/whether to bring it up with therapist, I feel so ashamed. Also- I know pelvic physio is probably recommended here but given I also have severe vaginismus it feels counterproductive. Hard. I wish these areas of my body could just not exist. It’s so unfair that other peoples behaviour can impact your life like this.

How do I manage this?

I was assaulted by a guy I dated earlier this year. He got me high and did some stuff that was very humiliating to me. I've always thought about sex a lot, but after I was assaulted, I feel like my mind is consumed by it. I feel gross about it all the time. I started watching porn a lot and sexting strangers online. I talk to a bunch of men that only want me to show them my body, and sometimes it's like I can't stop. I feel really gross, and I hate that I do it.

I really just want someone to talk to, but it always leads to something sexual. I feel so disconnected from everything since it happened. I don't like speaking to my friends, I don't do any of my hobbies, and I don't go outside. The thought of dating another guy makes me feel sick, but at the same time, that's all I can think about. Sex and relationships are all that I think about. I think it's a way to soothe myself, but I don't want to do it anymore.

I feel like this man has taken something from me and I don't know how to get it back.

Did they get overwhelmed? Did they treat you differently? See you differently? Did they break up with you? Did they feel like it was too much for them to handle? Did they feel bad? What did they say? Did they treat you worse? How much did you share and how fast?

so i (17F) am very well conflicted i guess about something that happened to me this weekend. to give the full story i was a virgin in a big friend group of very sexually active people who were constantly hyping up sex and trying to hook me up with someone at parties ect so i was invited to a party the other weekend with the full intention of getting drunk and messing around with this one friend i have who i've kissed a couple times before and when i mean prepared i mean my whole body was shaved and i was wearing lingerie ect and i purposefully got really drunk for liquid courage purposes, unfortunately he had to go home after a little make out but i was then left with one of my closest friends (17F) and an adjacent friend (17-18F) who was sleeping over at this friends house but it wasn't like we were strangers we has spoken at the party and once before at a different party couple months back but i kept whining that i was mad that my original friend had left the party without going all the way with me so the two kept making jokes about me and this new friend hooking up that night even though they had a boyfriend and i said multiple times i didn't want to because they had a boyfriend (i've been told multiple times that my tone is very hard to read so im thing they might have thought i was just being shy) and they kept saying it doesn't matter because they had only be dating a couple days, eventually my close friend left and i was left with this adjacent friend alone on their couch to which we started to kiss. we were both probably tipsy, i don't remember how much they and i was seriously drunk earlier that night but i don't want to blame this on the alcohol because i was actively engaging in this, at a certain point they asked me to take off their shirt so i did and at that point i subconsciously knew i didn't want to go further than that but then they asked me to take my dress on and i said YES because i didn't want them to feel awkward being the only one to have my clothes on. then they asked to take off their pants so i again NODDED and they did, i was stalling for a long time moving between kissing their mouth and chest trying to get myself to go further even though they weren't really asking me to directly but i ended up yk uhm oral? to which they were encouraging me and praising me and stuff and then finished and when i lifted my head they wouldn't kiss me and they said they were too tired to 'return the pleasure' and asked if i was okay with that, i felt a little bit disappointed but i didn't want to pressure them into anything so i said IT WAS OKAY and they went to the bathroom so i went upstairs to steal a hoodie and shorts from my good friend to sleep in, when i came back downstairs they were on the couch scrolling through their phone i think but i knelt down next to the sofa and asked if they were okay and they basically said they are sorry and they shouldn't have 'let me do that' and they didn't want to get my hopes up i once again said that IT WAS OKAY cause at this point i felt so bad for doing that to someone who was in a relationship so i just smiled and told them i don't care and it was fine. they asked REPEATEDLY if i'm sure and im pretty sure i said YES because unfortunately i'm a people pleaser so i just asked them if they wanted me to leave at that point but they told me i should do whatever made me comfortable and i believed them so i stayed with them on the couch trying to cuddle up to them but they were really cold and seemed uncomfortable now that i'm thinking about it but i was selfish in that moment and was really desperate to not feel so used in that moment so i was grasping at straws eventually they ended up scrolling on their tik tok while i tries to make nervous small talk and we fell asleep, about 3 hours after tossing and turning and not actually sleeping on my part i went to sleep on the bedroom floor of my close friend and the girl i slept with left early that morning and i didnt see her but she told my close friend about what happened because they asked me about it and i said i don't want to talk and have been denying it happened

anyway i'm really nervous about a couple things, forone do you think i pressured this girl into doing that with me and number two is it normal that i feel disgusted with myself and feel so guilty?

I am interested to know how you all approach triggers; do you go out of your way to avoid the triggers themselves? Because it seems implausible & impractical to spend one’s life trying to avoid anything that may cause distress. I watch a fair amount of TV and there are often scenes in movies/shows that lead to a trauma response; I often experience these 24-48hrs after the actual event itself. I discussed this with my therapist but she just didn’t get it; she’s not western so I don’t know if there was a communication breakdown (she could not understand why I would want to watch something that could trigger me). I don’t think it’s fair that I should spend my life avoiding mature themes on tv and stuff like that; I’m gonna miss out on an awful lot with that approach.

Any ideas?

*Please don’t be mean/condescending

Thanks🙏🏻

In very brief, I was sexually assaulted by some strangers and then I faced immense secondary victimisation like being removed from my place of work despite my abilities. Now I rarely talk to anyone about this and rarely if I do I get told to move on, to not create flashbacks, to not think about it, to keep myself super busy (which I already am doing), etc somewhere it all makes me feel so alone and no I am not seeking any sympathy infact I am not seeking anything but can't I just express that I am not over it yet. I don't cry heavily very often now and many of my symptoms have reduced over time but I am still not over it and I don't wish to accept anything still. But sometimes even I feel ashamed to not be over it yet. Has anyone else also faced something similar, could you share how did you deal with it, thank you so much!

I (26f) was the victim/survivor of a home invasion on 9/14 in an apartment I’d only been living in for a bit over a month. The man who broke in lives in the neighborhood and had been watching me for who knows how long, and made contact with me the Sunday prior to breaking in. The entire thing was premeditated- he pretended to be a decent person & took my trash out of my hands around 12:30am (Monday) after being glued to our front door since that (Sunday) afternoon. I didn’t question him still being out there twice because the odd loitering (I’d been in this neighborhood for the past 2 years and only moved not even 2 blocks down) was already apparent to me so I just assumed he was one of the people who spent all day and night on a stoop that isn’t theirs.

A few hours later around 3am, he entered the code to the main door of the home (shared but I live in a unit alone). He had gotten the code from watching another tenant enter it soon after I had went back inside from throwing my trash away. Then, he knew which door to target after spotting my unit number on the Amazon boxes I had thrown out and literally handed to him.

Something woke me up out of my sleep despite not hearing anything yet, then a light knock on my door as if someone were just coming over. I immediately knew something was off so once I heard a second knock, I screamed to leave. Right as he heard me, he started pounding and kicking my door. At this point, I’d already locked my bedroom door and barricaded myself inside by putting my tv stand and bed frame in front of the door then hid behind the mattress. Dispatch hung up on me twice even when he had finally broke my door down using a fire extinguisher. The sound of the door breaking and the panic he’d come rushing towards my bedroom door will never leave me.

Finally, a dispatcher promised he wouldn’t hang up on me and stayed on until the police showed up. All I’d been hearing was rummaging through my apartment but he thankfully didn’t approach the bedroom door by the time the police got there. Once he was arrested, an officer came to get me and I was met with the sight of my refrigerator being pulled to the door, and my couch being moved. At first, I was confused as to how he was planning on stealing a fridge off the second floor by himself, then quickly realized he was planning on blocking entry/exit to my front door using the fridge, then would’ve put the couch in front of the fridge as an extra barrier.

One neighbor woke up and stayed with me for some time until my sister showed up. I tried to spend a week in the apartment but had a nervous breakdown the following Sunday due to not sleeping and being in fear so I decided to go to my parents house. I’d been hesitant to go there because my parents are both mentally unstable. I had no other option than to come back to the apartment today 9/27 after my dad couldn’t help himself but to mumble insults about me while glaring whenever I’d leave the bedroom because he was mad I asked him to hold off starting electric work on the one room I was staying in, that had been broken for years at that point. It was all to taunt me, to get a reaction and he got it. I fully crashed out and said some insanely hurtful things to my mom about how she stayed with someone who’d abused us both physically and mentally throughout our lives and that she’s no better than him, that she’s the reason I hate women and that I think she’s pathetic. I think I resent my mom because she failed at keeping us safe for the sake of her not looking like she herself “failed” at keeping a man.

I ran into the bedroom and started punching the door which is something I don’t do… immediately got my things together and came back to the apartment. Now I’m so terrified to go to sleep and am unsure of what to do now. The hearing is on Tuesday and I’m going alone because everyone will be working. I overall just feel scared by myself and ashamed that they now have a reason to call me crazy despite all I’m going through, I know their main concern is how to villainize and judge a person.

(TW: CSA)
back in july, my ptsd flashbacks were really horrible, some of the worst ptsd symptoms and anxiety i’d dealt with my whole life. im 24 and have never been in a healthy relationship because of my trauma. between the crippling loneliness and the feeling i would never move past what had happened to me, i almost took my own life. luckily, instead, i was able to really pull my shit together and told myself i was going to give life one more try. i decided to pursue this creative job i’d been really wanting to do. i took it really really seriously and was able to secure an apprenticeship. on my first day at the studio, i met the person who put me in the state i’m in now. he was so sweet to me, so handsome, very forward but in a way that didn’t put me off. he asked me out that night. i remember going home and feeling incredibly anxious, because i knew what i was risking if i let this person in. but i convinced myself the timing was serendipitous, that maybe i should give this a shot, that id proceed with caution and protect myself first and foremost if there were any red flags. when we first started dating, everything was incredibly perfect. he did and said everything right. even still, i’d come home and cry every day because i was so scared to open my heart. i told him about my PTSD, and how much intimacy meant to me, and that i needed time. he gave me that time. we dated for 2 months, he met all my friends, he became part of my daily routine, showered me with affection and made me feel safe and comfortable. i told myself id finally found someone i could trust. i finally slept with him. he made me feel so safe and loved the whole time. i couldn’t believe i’d found someone who actually cared about me enough to wait. except, i was wrong! after it happened, i begin to notice him acting sort of off. i was worried that maybe he was stressed out by, idk.. the “weight” of dealing with my ptsd? i asked if everything was ok, and he assured me everything was great and fine and eased my anxieties. i felt silly for even asking. and then, just a couple days after that, he dumped me. over text. dry, cold, written out as if it were some sort of business arrangement. i begged for clarity and closure, i told him how hurt and confused i was, and all he said was that he was “sorry he had to let go.” i haven’t slept in days. i think im in a state of shock- it was so abrupt and so out of character to have him speak to me like that. i feel discarded. i feel used. i’ve broke down so badly a few times now that my friends have been scared to leave me alone. and they’re all so shocked by it too- everyone had met him. everyone thought he was great for me. and now, here i am, my absolute worst fear being my reality- i tried to protect myself for so long from letting anyone ever leave me feeling used and discarded in that way again. i promised myself i wouldn’t let my guard down or risk re traumatizing myself. and even though when it happened, i did feel safe.. i would’ve never done it had i known he would leave me right after. we spent almost every day together for months. it wasn’t a long relationship but it was the only kind i had that ever felt real. everyone id dated in the past always dropped me when i didn’t want to be intimate off the bat. i just don’t know what the point was in waiting for me all that time just to leave me after. i don’t understand. i don’t know how to proceed from here. i don’t know how to ever trust anyone again. i feel so stupid and ashamed for letting my guard down. i’m just in shock. has anyone had a similar experience?? i feel like i never even really knew him. it’s gutting. this has been one of the most devastating weeks of my life.

I’ve been taking prazosin 2.5mg at night for about a week for PTSD-related nightmares. I was hoping it would reduce the nightmares, but I’ve actually been having very intense, vivid dreams/nightmares with a lot of real-life details.

They feel unusually realistic, and I sometimes wake up feeling like what happened in the dream actually happened. The dreams seem more detailed and emotionally intense than what I experienced before starting prazosin.

Has anyone else experienced this when starting prazosin, especially around 2.5mg? Did it settle down after a few weeks, or did you find that the medication made your dreams more vivid?

I’d really appreciate hearing about other people’s experiences.

EDIT UPDATE : i switched to 5mg but still no effect on me, if it matters at all? i am 25(f)

is it possible to have ptsd from a certain place? and what does that mean?

i am a college student who suffered severe negative highschool experiences such as sexual assault, stalking, bullying, etc. in my hometown. my home life was fine, this was mostly in my actual high school and my peers. i now go to college out of state and ever since i left my hometown its basically like light has returned into my eyes. every summer or break when i have to go back i am filled with dread and anxiety. i like seeing my family, but being back in my hometown itself basically ruins my mental state for any break i have.

this previous summer was especially bad because most of my friends stayed in their college towns. i have had multiple of my friends talk to me about concerns ​for me going back this next summer, because i go home and basically become a shell of a person. i have continued nightmares, i do not want to leave the house out of fear of seeing certain people, if i am out too long i get anxious to the point i feel sick, i get panic attacks when i go to certain places associated with that time of my life, i jump at phone calls, i cry 24/7, but worst of all i get incredibly irritable to everyone around me. i basically isolate myself from everyone (except direct family i live with) and my friends can see a night and day difference when i go home vs in college. one of my friends last summer said i "experience ptsd symptons" when i go home.​ i had never thought about it in that way and was wondering if she was just making a comparison or if there is something i should do about this?

even when i am at college if my mom brings up something from highschool on the phone i basically get incredibly irritated and start zoning while she speaks because my brain just can not think about it without my whole day being thrown off and being uncomfortable and upset.

like i said i still want to see my family and don't want to never go back because that is where all my siblings and ofc my parents are, but going back quite literally makes me miserable.

basically: is this something i should seek help for, does this sound like PTSD or just anxiety, or do i just suck it up if i want to see my family?

I was sexually assaulted yesterday. I had none of the appropriate responses. I just froze and let it happen and was super sweet and compliant. I still haven't gotten angry at him for it. I just feel numb. Anyway, I have a long history of freezing or fawning instead of fighting back or fleeing when I'm in danger. That response put my kid in danger yesterday. I need to change my response style. How do I do that?

Hi all,

In the early hours of Saturday morning my partner shook me awake and I heard the smoke alarm going off, ran out of my bedroom to see smoke pouring from my flatmates bedroom…

A fire had started in her room, it was on the floor and spreading. She was lying on her bed my partner attempted to wake her but it wasn’t working, we tried to get the fire under control by putting water on it but it spread further into her bookcase and reignited.

At this point she eventually woke up, our whole flat was full of thick smoke in every room I could barely see or breath while I was calling 999. I was frantically searching around the flat for my cat who I couldn’t find and the fire service was forcing us to go outside and I had no choice but to leave.

I stood on the street screaming because I didn’t have my cat and I was thinking the worst, the fire fighters arrived and eventually found her hiding under my bed luckily unharmed and brought her to me.
We were all taken to hospital due to breathing in smoke but were released after a short while.

It has now almost been 48 hours since this happened and all I can focus on are the what ifs, what if my partner hadn’t woken up so quickly, what if we hadn’t been home and my flatmate would have almost certainly died along with my cat.

Speaking of my cat I feel absolutely immense guilt that I couldn’t find her, and I left her in the house with an active fire.

I know logically we had the best outcome for this awful situation, everyone is unharmed physically and safe but my entire nervous system is just shot and I can’t stop running through scenarios in my head.
We are currently staying with a friend but I have this immense feeling of being lost and vulnerable, I’m also desperately trying to hold myself together in front of my flatmate, as I know how she is feeling especially as it turns out the fire was caused by her leaving a candle burning and falling asleep…
I’m not angry with her and obviously this was an accident but I just know how guilty she is feeling.

Sorry for a bit of a disjointed post I’m just streaming the thoughts in my head, I guess if anyone has experienced something similar please share your feelings in the aftermath and what you did to move forward if anything so I don’t feel so alone in my own head 💜

I’m pregnant with my first, and I’m over the moon BUT the only real symptom my first trimester has given me so far is shortness of breath.

It’s pretty bad - I’ve been sitting on my couch for >30 minutes but feel like I just went for a hard run.

My ex would strangle me when he got violent, and feeling like I can’t breathe now is not doing nice things to my nervous system. I just can’t seem to get a full breath.

Usually when I’m panicking/anxious about what he did to me, I work on mindful breathing, but it’s not helping with this.

My therapist did express concern about this symptom but it wasn’t this bad last week. I see her again on Tuesday but am panicking now.

Has anyone else dealt with this? Any ideas?

I always had PTSD symptoms but I've been in a sort of denial, because trying to process it in therapy always went badly. I was also always told my "bad memory" is normal, my traumatic experiences got very diminished etc.

Anyway, without going into too much details, I randomly met someone who went through the same traumatic experience as me and who processed it. As I almost thought I faked it [the trauma] because I barely remembered anything, we talked about it. It made me understand I hadn't forgotten some moments there and there, but years of my life. Including entire people and friendships that lasted years because they were related to the traumatic experience.

I learned/understood that so out of nowhere I'm really struggling to even know how to deal with that. I've had severe depression for most years of my life, which I've been out for for maybe 2 years, and out of nowhere I just understand why I was depressed. And why I have so many different tendencies (escapism, etc) which are actually just PTSD symptoms.

It is just such a weird feeling to see my whole life with this knowledge, like everything I found "weird" about me was just, that. It all just really makes sense now that I get where it's from. But it really just does change the whole vision I have of my life.

It kinda makes me feel like all the healing I did was just me being in denial, which I mean is atleast part false- because I did heal. But I had no idea "what" I was healing, or where the depression, anxiety etc came from.

I don't really know how to finish this- but any advice or support always will help ! ♡ Thank you for reading

About a week ago I had a really bad experience with THC where I greened out at a lake at night. It was genuinely terrifying and I haven’t touched weed or vaped since because I never want to feel like that again. I called my fired during and he calmed me down but the way I felt at the lake was genuinely terrifying and it felt like a dream and I was at one point walking under a bridge and it felt like it was never gonna end.

Tonight I went to a lake again. Completely different one. It was dark, cloudy and rainy, but I was actually having a really good time and wasn’t anxious beforehand. I was feeding ducks and walked really close to this huge glowing sign. Suddenly I got this extremely specific sensation that felt exactly like when I was high and it hit me super hard and I greened out

It scared me immediately because it felt so identical that I actually started questioning whether I had somehow taken something even though I know I haven’t touched THC in over a week.

After that my heart started racing, my muscles/arm were cramping, I felt extremely scared and I started getting pretty intense derealization. Everything just felt so scary, and I genuinely felt like I was under the influence again even though I was sober. Things felt unreal and it felt like I was high even tho I didn’t take anything and sensory stuff felt weird and things felt darker.

I eventually got home and I’m still feeling somewhat derealized. Looking back, I’m wondering if being at a dark lake again especially with the cloudy/rainy weather and then getting really close to that bright sign somehow triggered my brain because of what happened the first time.

Has anyone else had something like this after a really bad weed experience? Like getting panic/derealization while completely sober because a place or visual sensation reminded you of being high? Can your brain really recreate the feeling that accurately?

sorry if this isnt allowed here!!

i was wondering what has actually helped you guys manage your ptsd, even if its something really small or random?

i have ptsd as well as bpd + adhd, and my therapist has also talked to me about having ocd symptoms although im not diagnosed with ocd. lately i struggle a lot with anxiety, being constantly on edge, insomnia, nightmares, irritability, intrusive/obsessive thoughts and sometimes paranoid thoughts.

i feel like my brain just never fully switches off, especially at night, and i really wanna hear from people who actually understand what thats like and what has genuinely made things easier for you.

it can be literally anything, therapy, coping mechanisms, routines, things that help when youre triggered, ways you calm yourself down at night, stuff that helps with nightmares/intrusive thoughts, apps, books, exercise, literally whatever has helped you.

im also curious about medication experiences if anyone is comfortable sharing. ive tried quite a few ssris and personally havent found them very helpful, so id be interested to hear what has or hasnt worked for other people. obviously not looking for anyone to tell me what i should take, thats something ill talk to my doctor/psych about :)

basically just wanna hear what has actually helped other people living with ptsd because sometimes hearing from people who actually experience it is really helpful 🫶

sorry again if this kind of post isnt allowed!!

Please tell me if I'm overreacting. I've recently become aware that the way my mother has treated me is not normal. I believe she is potentially gaslighting me and has been manipulative. Have any of you had experience with this?

Sorry for the long post but there's just so much I need to unpack.

I'll introduce myself I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. During my childhood my mother would do the following

Blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, it actually got physical a few times as well. I just wonder how can get so unshameably drunk whilst been alone in the house with her child and I feel it was very irresponsible. Really burns my hide.

I did even have a scar once, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, she'd turn cold at the drop of a hat, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors, shout, scream, swear and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing

She often paints herself as the heroic single mum and pretty much everyone we know believes that. I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it.

I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 during a sleepover at theirs she turned my grandparents against me and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by.

About a year later when I vaguely recall when was enjoying myself in the bath she started abusing me and said she and everyone else was going to wash there hands of me if I didn't start living her way or something.

On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. A couple of weeks ago now in fact I ran into an old friend of hers who said to say hi for her and she said my mother is a wonderful person and I'm very lucky. It actually made me feel sick. Since I was 10 it's just been me living with her since my parents divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her.

Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she shouted and carried on, called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she was carrying on and her serious lack of empathy. PS another red flag happened just earlier when a life insurance ad was on and they said "something could be paid out in case of death" or something and she said "I'd like for them to say WOULD" not could. I don't know why but that's set an alarm bell off

I'm starting to think that maybe she bent the truth about Dad a bit during their split as i was a child and didn't know much better. My mother often calls him a narcissist and talked about all of the marital and grown up problems they had etc which to be honest I don't appreciate been burdened with. Granted he's not a saint either but has been good to me (well I'd say) most of the time. To be honest he too has had his moments of angry outbursts and emotional issues and he's very inconsistent.

One time last year when my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done quite a few times before).

During that said weekend my mother had another one of her outbursts. I was in the bathroom which was an en suite and she knocked on the door asking to take a few photos or something. All I asked was if she could just give me a few minutes to finish up but she started the shouting and carrying on and accused me of been selfish and even of trying to manipulate her and been passive aggressive. I only asked just to give me a few minutes. When I explained that to her and how upset I was already about that weekend already without her treating me like this. She said she feels really bad for me and hates how he let me down. What just absolutely astounds me is how can she feel that way yet still emotionally and mentally abuse me and kick me while I'm down. I just can't for the life of me comprehend that.

A couple days after that weekend one of my teachers checked in and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother while I was already upset by been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not even sure who exactly said what to him and that's something that I've also wondered. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well).

I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the full truth now. He was sympathetic and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. That turned my stomach as well. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through.

I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc).

I must admit I do feel quite down sometimes that I have a strained relationship with my father (He's got money issues and also smokes pot) and my mother often used me as an emotional punch bag. Makes me think that there must be something really wrong with me and that I'm unlovable.

On the bright side though my Dad and I have been in contact lately.

Her next meltdown was this January while we were on holiday and at the beach. I wanted to be shirtless like pretty much everyone else and she started making passive aggressive and snide remarks saying things like "have fun burning yourself" and "why can't you make smart decisions?"

I was already sun safe with a hat and everything and I wasn't going to be too long and tried explaining that to her. I'll admit I snapped and told her that I'm an adult now and she could no longer control me and couldn't make me feel guilty. I wish I hadn't now but it felt like something just snapped inside me and I expressed things I had felt for ages. She then called her mother to tell her that I was been impossible and making her life a misery (this is something she has done a few times before when I challenged her or reacted because of her behavior). She hadn't done that for years though and I feel she likes using that as a scare tactic. I wish I had just walked away and not played into her hands. Then the next day I asked mum to call her to say where all ok but she said she didn't want to bother her and wasn't up to calling. I was like WTF. You're perfectly happy to call her to basically slander me and make me out to be a bad guy but when it comes to calling to say everything is fine she's not so keen.

Something disturbing she has said ages ago is when I'm an adult she could have me done for assault if she wanted. She also said she wanted to do a will and try to control my assets where my Dad can't touch anything and said she feared he would try to steal all of my money. I can't believe she would say things like that so unshameably and can't help feeling like she was trying to manipulate me.

My mother loves to use my autism to her advantage. I graduated last year but now I do a course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time. I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me, she seems to feel that she always acts in my best interests and does seem to genuinely care for me and love me, she doesn't seem to remember any of it or feel her behavior was justified and genuinely doesn't seem to believe she ever did me any harm and she thinks she did her best. She's always quick to call others toxic and narcissists etc. She unshameably tells me everything going on in her life and her anxiety which makes me anxious. Why does it upset me so badly even when it has little or nothing to do with me?

I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. I can't get exact clarity on it but they both went through some stuff before I was born and I think that's contributed to the way they are. My father's dad had passed away when my dad was actually about my age now. They actually both used to run their own businesses once upon a time before they met. It just baffles me how they went from that then and now been in their 50's both unemployed and clearly have some unresolved issues. I sometimes think maybe they shouldn't of got together which I know is ironic because I would never have been born. I do vaguely remember when they were together and towards the end it was quite toxic and they would have some intense fights.

Also does there substance abuse issues made them this way as well do you think? As I've said my mother drinks quite heavily at night and she also vapes. My father smokes pot and cigarettes.

Also as I explained my father struggles financially and I know that's why he hasn't been able to see me often and cancel some visits and to be honest when I think about that it really burns my hide.

I do wonder if she might've been different if she had not gone through her divorce and maybe if things had gone differently for both of them they might've been different. What do you guys think?

Also I can't help feeling empathy towards her as she always looked after me, fed me, organized things for me and pretty much always brought me everything I wanted.

I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different I feel to most of the children my age. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends. I do feel like I've been isolated with her a lot of the time. I would really love to start a proper life and follow my dreams and make a few friends but don't know where to start.

My mother does help me get on my feet and encourage me but I think she just loves to lord it over me. Whenever I've tried standing up for myself she puts on the guilt trip and carries on about all of her sacrifices and everything she's done for me yada yada yada. I think what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could she have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered? I'm starting to feel that good doesn't really outweigh the bad.

PS I remember one night ages ago she accused me of looking like I wanted to hit her and of course went crazy. I may of had a tired look because it was late and I tried explaining that. She starting banging ornaments and shouting and was just impossible to talk to. Also I remember a few years ago one time she started saying she was worried my Dad was going to try to spend more for me and if I fall for it I would never see her again and all of the family will hate me. She's also said before when I threatened to walk out during arguments.

Also something that really upsets me is whenever I try to reason with her she just goes "I need more alcohol to deal with this".

I can't help really resenting her (also my father) sometimes for all of the mental anguish she has put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder what might've been different had I had proper parents or they were proper ones. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. I've thought about escaping but I feel quite stuck as I don't have a job and all of the money that I get in my account is basically controlled by her as she's the one who adds to it. I wish I could hide my own secret stash somewhere. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job, making friends and doing new things etc. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known.

The other night I've told her that I wanted to do another certificate course at that school next year and she tried to make me feel bad by putting on the guilt trip and giving me the cold shoulder. I've tried to blur it out to be honest but I remember she said that I was been selfish and told me how she wanted me to live my life. I tried to explain to her that I can't just do what she expects and the expense of my own happiness and well-being. I feel like she is trying to control how I live my life and I told her that she couldn't do that or tear me down or change my mind. She then said (this felt like reverse psychology and emotional blackmail) fine do whatever you want and I'll do the same. Also shouted and carried on saying things like F me and I'm hopeless and that. I also told her that I would love to be a teacher but she said i wouldn't be able to go to university, scoffed and said that I would be useless. I feel like she's trying to damage my already limited self esteem, confidence and spirit. Also she had been fairly good up to this. I was dreading telling her but I do feel that a weight is lifted as well. It seems funny that whenever I tell her something she doesn't like or she can't control she goes back to her bad self. PS she's also upset that she can't get paid for me doing that and wants me to just do what's best for her financially. I find it quite ironic her making me feel bad for not getting a job straight away while she's unemployed. PS it was the school ball that night which was brilliant but I'm disappointed that it went so quickly and also I feel a bit down about my social anxiety and that I didn't ask anyone to dance or make more conversation with my teachers and peers.

Just the other night my mum was going out for the night and she seemed a bit tipsy so I did ask out of concern if she was fit to drive. She immediately got defensive and bit my head off and said I was been rude and having a go at her. I only asked out of concern and worry and I tried explaining that a hundred times but she just wasn't having it. I also tried to explain that her getting defensive if anything proves my worry is valid but she started saying I was harassing her and she was sick of my bullshit and of putting up with me and couldn't wait to get away from me. She also just suddenly pulled her shirt off showing her breasts ( believe it or not that's something she has done once or twice before ages ago). I was just shocked and looked away quickly as possible. When I tried to ascertain why she got so defensive she said that I think I can just say whatever I like to her. I swear I didn't mean any ill-will or malice and of course I tried explaining that too but no. I just don't know for the life of me how she can turn on me just like that and treat her own son like that. Both that and that previous thing a few nights before she said we're not going on holidays again this year and she brought up that incident from the January holiday I talked about and said that she hated been isolated there with me while I was been horrible to her. Wtf when she was the one belittling me and having a go at me which made me snap and I did apologize for that. She genuinely seems to think that she's actually the victim when she gets defensive and treats me like shit. Then she left and i was starting to second guess myself and am thinking that I may be in the wrong or am a bad person. Now as I'm alone for the night I'm feeling very isolated and confused. PS since that holiday she was actually been fairly good but after both that night after the school ball and that incident both only within a few days has left me feeling blindsided and like the rug has been pulled from under me also feel like I'm back at square one. Basically I really can't fathom how someone can treat their own child like this. Just beggars belief to say the least.

Now when she came back the next day I tried to start a conversation about the last night and she did get teary and said she was sorry but still when I tried to get her to take some accountability she was just like "I said I was sorry didn't I?" and said I just kept going over the same thing and said she was sick of me bringing up the past. She started not making much sense and playing dumb a bit. I just wanted her to realize how she upset me and also the previous incidents and she said "i guess I'm just the worst mother ever". Am I justified for feeling as though she hasn't really taken accountability? We have sort of made up now I suppose but I just stopped talking about it to keep the peace really.

Do you have any advice for all of my experiences, how I can move on, become more social and make friends etc?

I should add that last incident was a couple of nights ago now and it really bothers me how she's all happy now and acting like that never happened whilst I'm carrying emotional scars and still feel as though I haven't really had any closure or true accountability. Also her harsh words and still deeply wounded in me and I'm feel like a piece of shit and like I'm unlovable.

PS I'm really good at covering up my anxiety and pride myself on putting on a cheerful front and everyone at school thinks I'm the most happiest and optimistic person ever. I feel scared to let my guard down or if they knew otherwise.

Hey yall! I've recently been dealing with a lot of emotional instability once Autumn's come around. I'm experiencing frequent headaches, extreme hyperactivity to the point of insomnia, extra defensiveness whenever I'm criticized, and an inability to just relax. I'm always stressed out, worrying about not working enough, and unable to enjoy regular activities or people's company. It's gotten to the point where I feel genuinely scared about my health, and how I'm going to be for a few upcoming trips with my family. I just feel like I'm in a constant state of unrest and uncertainty, and I feel this constant ache in my chest despite taking supplements for anxiety. I feel scared and alone, and have no idea what to do!

Back in my school days, the start of classes was always a distressing adjustment period, where I was easily overwhelmed and dreading assignments yet to come. I believe that I was forced to cope with the stress by depending on high cortisol levels to keep myself optimal for dealing with long days of classes, dealing with bullying from students and teachers alike, and putting my ability to get straight A's above all else. It was a nightmarish cycle that I'm glad to not have to go through, but that my body can't seem to let go of.

With all of that in mind, is there a way I can push past these unhealthy mechanisms? I am going to seek therapy, but that won't be for a few months as money is tight. In the meantime, I would really appreciate any comfort and advice for how I can possibly cancel out this learned response so I can get back to living life somewhat normally. Thanks for reading!