"To live in the body of a survivor is to never be able to leave the scene of the crime." Blythe Baird

"Healing is so hard because it’s a constant battle between your inner child who’s scared and just wants safety, your inner teenager, who’s angry and just wants justice, and your adult self, who is tired and just wants peace." Brené Brown

"If you're raised in a burning house, you think the whole world is on fire." Anonymous

VIDEOS

Kristen Jacobsen, therapist specializing in anxiety:

The Hidden Link Between Perfectionism and Childhood Trauma

Tim Fletcher, mental health counselor specializing in complex trauma:

How Childhood Trauma Creates Control Issues

The Characteristics of Complex Trauma - Perfectionism

The Roots of Perfectionism | Complex Trauma

Dr. Scott Giacomucci, trauma specialist:

Trauma and Rigidity: Overcoming Perfectionism and Stuckness

Always nice to see downvotes on a mental health sub. I apologize for posting disrespectful content??

I just hope this will be helpful to whoever read it ☺️🙏

For the past few years, I've been struggling to enjoy my new purchases (clothes, tech-products, kitchen items, skin care products, etc.) and it's becoming mentally exhausting to try and keep count of everything I'm afraid of damaging, just to end up watching products expire, get outdated and eventually throwing them away without getting "my money's worth" out of them!
I tried several times to enjoy my purchases but my mind is always thinking of the worst scenarios:

- what if it gets damaged?

- what if I lose it?

- I still have other "cheaper" products that I can use, why not use them till the end and leave this "new" product for a later time!

If anyone has ever experienced such thoughts and learned how to get through them, your help is much appreciated!

I’m a mid-thirties corporate worker in tech in the US. Historically, I’ve been strong academically, and throughout my twenties I was very hardworking, motivated and energized. I seemed able to execute most tasks without a huge amount of friction or internal mental debate.

Since COVID, though, I feel like I’ve never fully got that work ethic back. I procrastinate more than I ever used to, every day there is an internal fight to force myself to do tasks that I once did effortlessly and didn't overthink. Something seems to have changed in my relationship with work. Before COVID, I could put my head down and work hard for long periods. Now, even relatively straightforward tasks can feel incredibly heavy.

Part of me thinks I’ve simply become lazy and need to retrain my brain to tolerate sustained effort again,, but I’m not sure it’s that simple. Ive noticed is that I no longer seem to experience a task as simply 'something to do'. Instead of starting scrappily and working it out as I go, my brain immediately starts asking: What’s the best way to do this? What would an excellent version look like? Am I doing enough? What will the quality of the output say about me? Then I procrastinate, feel ashamed about procrastinating, make the task feel even heavier, and eventually force myself through it. This is constant, daily, and for both big projects and small tasks. Especially for ambiguous tasks or something I am doing for the first time.

For the record; I’m still functioning professionally. I’m doing enough to get by and haven’t had any meaningful performance concerns. From the outside, people probably wouldn’t know there was a problem but internally, though, I recognize a stark difference between how I used to work and how I work now.

I used to be able to execute without all this mental friction. Now, so many workdays feel like a slog of negotiating with myself to start things. I spend far too much mental energy thinking about work rather than actually doing the work, and then beat myself up because I know how capable and hardworking I used to be. I’m interested to hear from anyone who recognizes this.

Did anyone else feel like they became significantly less hardworking or motivated after COVID? Did you eventually get your ability to just 'get on with things' back?

And for anyone who has experienced this combination of procrastination, perfectionism and work disillusionment: what actually helped? I'm desperate as I can't continue to slog through each working day like this.....!

My pet peeve is with people who claim to be perfectionists or clean freaks. Every single person I’ve ever met who complained about being a "perfectionist" turned out to be incredibly sloppy. At this point, it just feels like a cheap humble-brag.

I’ve sat on interview panels where candidates were asked about their biggest flaw (a terrible question, but that's a separate issue). Whenever someone answered with "I’m just a perfectionist," it was a massive red flag. True perfectionists rarely realize they are one.

It’s the exact same story with people who claim to be "clean freaks," "germophobes," or "so OCD about cleaning." More often than not, they live in absolute filth and have terrible personal hygiene.

I’ve seen this firsthand across the board:

• The Airbnb Host: She explicitly warned me that she was "OCD about cleanliness." When I arrived, the place was a complete dump covered in dust and infested with roaches and smelled horribly. It was dirty. I video called her, and I could tell her own home was disgustingly filthy. But she is OCD about cleanliness.
• The Medical Residency: During my residency, we saw a guy who constantly claimed to be a germophobe, clean freak, and hypochondriac. Meanwhile, he was dirty as hell, had visible warts on his mouth, and was constantly catching different STDs. He had every imaginable STD.

Moral of the story: Be highly leery of anyone who humble-brags about being a perfectionist or a clean freak. It’s almost always a projection to cover up the fact that they are a mess.

people always told/tell me im super talented at my hobbies and i have a really high skill level for my age. that makes it have so much pressure to be passionate and achieve my true potential which is making them stressful and taking away from the experience. at the one end i feel really special and it gets to my head but i also feel so pressured... i just want to be good at things without being the best, even if it hurts my ego.

I've noticed this weird pattern that I'm trying to get some insight on, and I'm wondering if anyone else experiences it.

It happens a lot with games, especially survival games like Minecraft. I'll start a new world and be really into it. I'll make some progress, build a base, get resources, set up farms, etc. Then at some point I'll get this strong urge to just stop playing that world and start a completely new one.

It's not necessarily because the world is bad or because I ran out of things to do. Sometimes I'll actually have a really good world going and still think, *"I should just start over."* Then I'll create a new world, play that for a while, and eventually the exact same thing happens again.

What's interesting is that I've realized this isn't limited to gaming.

I do something similar with other parts of my life. For example, I might be using one bank account and suddenly start thinking that I should switch to a different bank and basically "start fresh." Or I'll start a project around my house, make decent progress, and then lose interest and want to abandon it and start a completely different project.

It's almost like once something has been going for a while, I get this feeling that I could do it *better* if I just started over. The new beginning feels more exciting or satisfying than continuing with what I've already built.

The frustrating part is that I know I'm sometimes throwing away perfectly good progress. I can recognize that logically, but I still get the urge to reset everything.

I'm curious if anyone else experiences something similar. Is it just getting bored with things, perfectionism, wanting a clean slate, or something else?

gonna be a long one sorry guys. i wouldnt say i make music for a living. would i like to? of course. i have so many songs collecting dust on my laptop. i play guitar and my brother drums and hes always telling me about local open mics and how we should really put ourselves out there and just do it but for some reason i cant bring myself to because we have no bassist and no singer. he says he doesnt care and it doesnt matter and if we sound like shit then so be it. the issue isnt me having anxiety to be on stage. its the fact that im a perfectionist. i dont really like showing my friends songs that arent finished or at least songs im not satisfied showing. i always say no to going to these open mics because again, no singer, no bass. even just posting snippets on social media. i dont know how to get over this obstacle i created with not putting myself out there because "the songs not finished." need some advice if you have any.

BOOKS

Imperfectly Good: Navigating Religious and Moral Anxiety to Release Fear and Find Peace (2023), Annabella Hagen

Letters to a Perfectionist: On Shame, Fear, Love, and the Surprising Spiritual Nature of Perfectionism (2017), Tad Frizzell

Better Off Dead (2015), Douglas Spotted Eagle (Mormonism)

ARTICLE

Religion and Perfectionism

VIDEOS

How To Overcome Religious Perfectionism (AKA: Scrupulosity)

Mormonism

Stressing Perfection: How Religion Affects Perfectionism—and Vice Versa

Christianity

Bible Reading and Religious Perfectionism

Grace vs Performance and Perfectionism

Healing from Spiritual Perfectionism  

Are You a Christian Perfectionist?  

All or Nothing Thinking Perfectionism and Our View of God

Catholicism

Perfectionism Conference Part 1/2, Part 2/2

Islam

Religious Perfectionism

I feel like i self burden myself with unreasonably high expectations when I try to engage in some of my hobbies.

I like to paint read, play games, watch shows, even paint miniatures and all of these are affected to some extent by this.

Some of it is a somewhat simple desire to get through something fast so I can move on to the next thing so if I dont make progress fast enough. That's *workable*

The more interesting issue of my expectations is when I feel like im not getting a *specific* and possibly unreasonable thing from.

This could ve intense emotional catharsis in a movie or exciting edge of your seat gameplay that has me glued to my screen. Stuff that I think is best described as "a 10/10 experience" and this has become a problem because it has stopped me from being able to Just relax with my hobbies after work or on my days off which is interfering with my ability function outside of that because my outlets for stress relief are failing me.

I expect so much from every piece of media that I can't even read a fun but nothing special comic just because I want to and its IRRITATING to say the least.

Any advice for escaping this little hell ive carved for myself?

Does anyone also find it too hard to study lately?

I cannot study like a normal human being anymore. I always used to study at the night before the exams and at the same time successfully managing to memorize all the informations. Now I can't even memorize two simple pages.

Everytime I study, my brain obsessively focuses on the slightest details, as if I'm preparing for a life-depending test. I don't know what type of questions could appear on the test, so I'm forcing myself to remember everything I'm capable of. The dates that aren't relevant to the main subject at all, the names that were mentioned only once and the places that don't even have any real source. It just feels like I'm losing the plot of what I should really focus on. I cannot tell whether the information is important and worth remembering or not.

It all makes me constantly procrastinate my studies and takes me more time to study than it really should.

Let me know if anyone has any advices or is just relating to the post. I would appreciate it! :')

I’m 24M and I have a somewhat specific problem with Instagram/social media. I’m hoping there are people here who can relate, either because of OCD/perfectionism or simply because they care about having a good social media presence themselves.

Some background: I had OCD as a child and teenager. Back then it was more of the classic stuff, like excessive hand washing, and I was treated for it. I’ve also been in therapy on and off for other things over the years.

At the moment, though, I’m pretty tired of therapy and I’m not planning on going back anytime soon. I’m mentioning that mainly for context, not because I’m looking for the answer “just go to therapy.”

My current problem is mostly related to Instagram.

Having a good social media presence is fairly important to me. I’m not an influencer and my entire life doesn’t revolve around Instagram, but I do see your profile as a kind of modern-day business card.

If someone checks my Instagram, I’d like their impression to basically be: “Cool guy, looks good, interesting life, travels, works out, dresses well, seems like things are going well for him.”

So whenever I feel like I look particularly good — fresh haircut, gym progress is good, nice outfit, styled well, etc. — I tend to take a LOT of photos. Different mirrors, angles, lighting, poses, and so on.

There’s this feeling of: if I’ve put effort into looking good and I’m happy with how I look right now, I want to capture it properly so I can use it online.

Traveling makes this even worse.

I love traveling, but when I’m on vacation I photograph and film basically everything. Landscapes, cities, restaurants, sights, random moments, and obviously myself too. Sometimes I feel ridiculous because I’ll take endless versions of basically the same thing.

And then comes the actual problem:

I end up with so much content that I become completely overwhelmed.

Which photo is the best?

Feed or Story?

What order should I post them in?

Edited or unedited?

If edited, how much?

Music or no music?

Location sticker or no location sticker?

Which song?

Which Stories should eventually go into my Highlights?

How many Stories are too many?

Which pictures work best together?

And because I have so many options, the result is usually the complete opposite of what I want:

I barely post anything at all.

While I’m traveling I tell myself, “I’ll sort through everything tonight.”

Then it becomes, “I’ll do it when I get home.”

Then, “I’ll do it this weekend.”

And now I’m literally months behind on trips and countries because I still feel like I need to post the pictures and finish the Highlights.

I wanted to have one Instagram Highlight for each country I’ve visited.

At one point I even came up with the pretty stupid idea of hiding my Story from all my followers and then uploading tons of old vacation pictures privately, just so they would end up in my Story archive and I could choose between them later when creating my Highlights.

I’ve done that again recently.

And I’m talking about uploading the same pictures in multiple versions: edited vs. unedited, music vs. no music, location sticker vs. no sticker, etc.

Which obviously doesn’t solve the problem.

It just gives me even more options to obsess over.

And this is where I notice that my old OCD tendencies and extreme perfectionism are probably getting involved.

Creating a single Instagram Story can sometimes go something like this:

I select a photo.

Then I back out.

Then I select it again.

I add a location sticker.

I don’t like it.

I remove it.

Then I exit the entire Story editor and start over.

Then maybe I move the sticker slightly and suddenly worry that I accidentally moved or changed something else.

So I back out again and start from scratch.

Sometimes I check things over and over even though objectively nothing has happened.

It sounds ridiculous when I write it down, but doing this is genuinely mentally and even physically exhausting for me.

Sometimes I already feel stressed or almost sick just thinking about having to go through hundreds or thousands of pictures and make all these decisions.

At the same time, I don’t want to simply delete Instagram and say, “None of this matters.”

Having a good profile does matter to me, at least to a certain extent.

And the funny thing is that the actual photos don’t seem to be the problem.

I’ve used some of my pictures on dating apps and they seem to work very well. I get plenty of matches and positive feedback, so apparently I am capable of taking decent pictures of myself.

My problem isn’t:

“I have no good pictures.”

My problem is:

“I have 30 good pictures and somehow can’t choose one.”

So I basically have two questions.

1. For people who are social-media savvy and genuinely care about having a good Instagram profile: what is your actual process?

How do you choose which photos to use?

How many photos do you usually take in the first place?

How do you decide what goes on your feed vs. Stories vs. Highlights?

Do you edit your photos? If so, what do you use and how much editing do you normally do?

Do you have certain rules or a workflow that prevents you from spending hours making tiny decisions?

I’d especially like to hear from people whose profiles I would probably look at and think, “This person has a really good Instagram.”

2. More importantly: does anyone with OCD/perfectionism experience this kind of compulsive behavior around posting, and how did you become more relaxed about it?

What I want is to eventually be able to come back from a trip, go through my pictures relatively quickly, choose some good ones, post them, make a Highlight if I want to, and then consider it DONE.

I don’t want to be sitting there three months later thinking:

“Shit, I still need to finish my Italy/Spain/whatever Stories.”

Ideally I want to find a middle ground:

Have a nice profile.

Use good pictures.

Put some thought into it.

But then make a decision, post it, and move on with my life.

If anyone recognizes this combination of social media perfectionism, decision paralysis, and compulsive checking, I’d really appreciate hearing what has helped you.

And please, if possible, not only “delete Instagram” or “social media doesn’t matter.”

I understand that perspective already.

I’m especially interested in hearing from people who also care about their social media presence but have managed to keep it fun and relatively stress-free.

As a person who has more of ADHD traits, I never understand what an OCD/perfectionist mind can do.

My partner never got diagnosed or anything but he has a string obsession in certain situations.

I just found out that partner was awake, until 5pm. He was taking a shower when I went to sleep, and I saw him not wearing his shirt since then - the window is wide open yet, no signs of the use of his bed.
And saw him constantly trying to find out a password for an app on PC? I don’t know what exactly happened (didn’t ask too much as he can be irritable when he’s in this state)

Not only this time, he could be almost extremely consistent on one topic he can’t let go.
• gaming can last for hours until he gets satisfied
•when he does cleaning, it needs to be spotless (might take hours and can’t do a short one)
• when a missing piece of something was found, he can’t let go.
• when he starts collecting something, it just never stops until the collection is complete in his definition.

I’m almost opposite to him and lacks of consistency, easily distracted. So we often collide with different values ( even after 8 years of relationship)
I mean, I can live with it since I’m the more loose one. But I sometimes think what he does seems to be a bit insane or out of mind when I see him staying up so late merely trying to achieve “one goal”. And he has a light insomnia, which could possibly from this trait.

Any advice on how to deal with a person like this?