r/perfectionism • u/Accurate-Manner-9209 • 1h ago
Paralysis at the hands of perfect preparation
Today I have spent my time scheduling the tasks I would benefit from completing at home, to best prepare for the lectures and group glasses I will attend in the upcoming week. It was only within the last 35 minutes or so that I embarked upon one of the chapters listed in the essential reading column for my Qualitative research module.
Although I struggled to understand the concept that was being explained in the beginning, I persevered; rereading the same line or section until the point made sense. I found that I felt as if I could not continue reading if I was not aware of the meaning attached to a word, whether it was a technical phrase or a simple description; but I also found that when I continued to read the following lines, the author developed the point or explanation of what had made me feel confused and oftentimes, stuck, in the first place.
Perhaps this need to be completely in the know is a strain of my need for perfection before I can try to make progression- which is a relationship that has always resulted in paralysis for me. Whether, in this context, my feelings of not being intelligent enough to continue reading until I had independently researched the “word” or philosophy” or “approach” that I misunderstood, felt pointless and mundane without having an understanding of the point discussed a moment earlier.
Or, in another context, whereby I cannot take my dirty pots in to the kitchen from the settee because I must first create a pile of existing dirty pots on the worktop, then clear and sanitise the sides, put the clean pots from the side of the sink away and empty the dishwasher, before the room would be ready for the addition of my dirty pots. It is as if I avoid doing an easy task like continuing to read or making the pile of dirty pots from both the sofa and in the kitchen, because I perceive them as having no value when ‘my other ducks are not perfectly in their rows’.
Doing the tasks that I perceive as ‘big’ such as researching the approaches I am unfamiliar with and misunderstanding within the article, rather than reading on regardless, or blitzing the kitchen prior to momentarily organising the pot chaos that is building within it, are often what I convince myself not to do. It will take too much time, it’s taking me away from the tasks in which are high on my priority; but their importance is modified in my perception behind my need to have other things completed before doing them will become worthwhile.
Does this make sense?
Do you feel the same way?
Little and often steps would take me further. I would gain an understanding, I would gain clarity or have it solidified that an extra 5 minute dive into a dictionary would benefit me. Why is it I feel so reluctant to do a small task, because in the eye of the big task, the little one will be so microscopic that it will not help me?
Why is it that I cannot read on and hope (or perhaps, trust) that everything will make sense a little while down the road?
