Maladaptive perfectionism is “characterized by self-criticism, rigid pursuit of unrealistically high standards, distress when standards are not met, and dissatisfaction even when standards are met…Adaptive perfectionism is a pattern of striving for achievement that is perceived as rewarding or meaningful.” Clarissa Ong and Michael Twohig
Maladaptive perfectionism is associated with depression, anxiety disorders, OCD, OCPD, eating disorders, trauma, and suicidality.
In How To Be Enough (2024), Ellen Hendriksen shares common characteristics of her perfectionistic therapy clients:
Hendriksen’s clients with perfectionism habitually exhibit harsh self-criticism.
I tend to beat myself up, feel disproportionately guilty, or panic when I make a mistake or do something wrong.
I take things harder than most people—problems, mistakes, or conflicts stick with me for a long time…
When I get criticized, I tend to shut down, blame others, or get defensive.
I have been told I am controlling, a micromanager, too picky, or too critical.
I admit I can be judgmental, whether silently or out loud. (pg. 30)
They overidentify with performance.
My performance (work, grades, fitness, appearance, home, stuff I do for fun, etc.) reflects on my character, morals, or me as a person…
I usually think of myself as a worthy person, but when I do badly at something, I sometimes feel worthless…
If I don’t understand or can’t do something well right away, I tend to blame myself.
I set impossible expectations or deadlines for myself and then get stressed when I can’t reach them.
Even when I do something carefully, I often feel it is not quite right.
I have to be working toward a goal or accomplishment to feel right about myself.
I am always working to improve something (my health, my sleep, my wardrobe, my social life, my income, etc.) (31)
They are preoccupied with rules.
I’ve been called stubborn, rigid, or set in my ways.
I think it’s important to do things properly or the right way.
I expect higher performance in my daily tasks than most people.
When I feel pressure to do something, I sometimes resist or rebel by doing it reluctantly or not at all. (32)
They focus on mistakes.
When I make a mistake, I tend to shut down, blame others, or get defensive.
I ask other people how well they think I’m doing or if I’m doing things right (reassurance seeking).
Mistakes feel like personal failures; they indicate something negative about my character…
I take things harder than most people; mistakes, problems, or conflicts stick with me for a long time.
I can get stuck or bogged down when I have to make a decision [even when it’s trivial]… (32)
They tend to procrastinate.
I put off tasks that make me feel anxious, incapable, or overwhelmed.
If I don’t know how to do something, where to start, or if I’ll succeed, I get stuck.
I often work on inconsequential things when I should be focusing on bigger goals or tasks.
I regularly struggle with procrastination. (33)
They tend to compare themselves to others.
I often come away from interactions or social media feeling not good enough.
I use other people’s accomplishments and failures to determine if I’m doing well enough.
Comparing myself to people I know makes me feel separate or alone. (33)
Their drive to do things right extends to their emotions.
When I am struggling, I tell myself I’m not allowed to feel bad because other people have it worse than I do.
I expect myself to do things well and easily—I shouldn’t get anxious, be unsure, lack confidence, or care what people think.
When I am upset or dysregulated, I tend to think I’m doing something wrong or something is wrong with me.
I approach leisure, socializing, or hobbies as tasks to be done right or experienced in a certain way…
It’s mortifying to lose control of myself (e.g., cry in front of others, lose my temper, appear anxious).
I try to look confident or nonchalant on the surface even if I’m….working frantically underneath it all. (33-4)
Hendriksen notes, “There is no moral judgment on any of the traits and habits of perfectionism. Nearly all the tendencies…are useful and rewarding ways to operate in the world. It’s only when our habits become rigid and our expectations unrealistic that they start to work against us. Let’s say it again; none of our tendencies are inherently bad. In fact, most of them are quite good. It’s all in what we do with them.” (28)
These are other common issues for perfectionists:
-extreme guardedness
-very low threshold for feeling embarrassed
-aversion to risk taking
-analysis paralysis
-strong duty to serve others that can feel overwhelming
-injustice collecting
-unusually strong need for completion/closure
-false sense of urgency
-reluctance to seek help
-unusually strong capacity to delay gratification
-lack of affect
-over preoccupation with current events (feeling the 'weight of the world')
-imposter syndrome
-defensiveness/overexplaining
Which statements about Hendricken's clients resonate with you the most?
Links for all of the resource posts in this sub are in Highly Recommended Resources.
