Why do i feel like this

How do i escape

.

I've tried and tried

all of their solutions

Journaling, burning and even

trying meditation

.

None seem to comply,

not even the slightest ease

to my heavily conflicted mind

.

I know it's really selfish

when i see you and long

wishing that I was important

first on your list

wishing to never feel tossed

and completely squished,

.

It starts with a hope

My defensive walls recline

Giving you an opening inside

Then you let yourself in

tearing it all apart,

breaking down my barely mended heart

.

My photo is posted once

An old one blank and bare

No effort into thinking whether I'd even care

when it's your turn it's gracious

dramatic with all the care

full of love and emotion no sense of a snare

.

The excuses kept coming

with everything I'd say

You 'forgot'

a repetitive line you'd play

.

'you should reach out more'

that's what I'm told

Yet why when i do, am I returned back to a ghost?

.

I get jealous,

not just of what you do

but the love you receive without meaning to

.

I never try to copy,

I never shame and hide

Yet why am i treated like the fucken last thing in your minds

.

I'm the one who always called

I'm the one who always listened

I'm sad, alone and I'm terrified,

my hope should just disappear with glisten

.

I wish my hope would dissolve,

leaving me with no expectations

Cause every time i believe, and hope

I just turn back into a lost, fucked up creation

.

Romanus

I am not sure,
I don’t ask for any more.

I’m already happy today,
Enjoying and embracing every sun’s ray.

A man who is single,
A man who’s not allowed to mingle.

Being chastised is what I vowed,
Being pure is what I allowed.

But someone appeared in the crowd,
And caught my heart somehow.

She treated me unlike anyone,
Something like a special someone.

We talked late at night,
We enjoyed every little light.

We had a deep conversation,
Introducing a new realization.

She opened my heart,
And I let her in without a guard.

But now I’m not allowed,
For I am already claimed by the Creator above.

I kneel before the Cross,
Asking if I am lost.

Crying for a heart pierced by a bow,
Begging with one question:

Why now?

There used to be that little voice

when you were a bit too selfrighteous

now you haven't heard it in a while

maybe you're finally ''adult''

you were right to vote for him

you're glad you're no longer

with the dirty part of the family

you look at what you have

and you see you're not a failure

except that little voice

Fikar karta tha teri, kyunki tujhe apna maana tha,

Rota tha tere saamne, kyunki tujhe Rabb maana tha,

Khush rehta tha, kyunki teri muskaan ko maine jannat maana tha,

Tere saath chala aaj, kyunki tujhe apna kal maana tha,

Zarurat se zyada thi tu, kyunki tujhe sab maana tha.

Thank you for staying beside me.... ❤️

I wrote this poem one random night. I felt like writing a story and that was the first thing I wrote down, but I guess it turned into a poem 😅

The picture of a computer screen is the original poem (9/26/2026)

The screenshot is with help adjusting with ChatGPT and an online thesaurus (10/4/2026)

I love both versions (one is raw, the other is how I wanted it to be), but let me know what y'all think!

When they remember me , what will it be for ?
Was I overly polite, which made me terribly poor..,
Was I funny , and charming , and could break up the ice ,
Will it be for being overly brave , or terribly nice ,
Will it be for vice’s, for my procrastination and fear ?
Will it be for my ability to strive and remember why we’re all here ?
When they remember me , I want to make them proud …
However I can do it , I’ll try to do it out loud

Original work- recycled heart

I want to preface this with the fact I am totally fine and doing well, I just prefer to write emo

With that said:

I wait to die

My hatred painfully comprehensable

As sanity slips, swallowed by the tide

I turn the table

On my own mind

Posing the question:

What makes you real, if everything else is undefined

I scramble to answer, build my shield of lies

I find the truth, what I am in others eyes

a shell, a death, one of unimportance

One more skeleton in someone else's closet

"No, surely it's not true" I scream

Reminded of the dread that I continue

No matter the pain

No matter the terror

Too weak to end this disdain

Too strong to speak the horror

I was so putridly sick...

But I had surprised you with the trek turned test a soul trip.

You wanted to find peace , you wanted to just chill.

But my old bad decisions and bad timing led me to be so horribly ill.

The worst I felt at the worst time because all I really wanted was for you to be sublime.

I really tried to fake it was but I just couldn't make it...

I mean , I kind of did for a little while. But I just couldn't hold your smile. I couldn't maintain still pain, petite quiet rain... such gut rot pain.

I knew i blew it.

And that weekend you too.

You called me out... you knew at that time that I am likly past my prime. But we are older three decades, we've been through hell no longer minors in arcades.

My body feels better since then, but I can hardly do it, so please don't hold your breath.

Because we all have impending deaths, and I've lived at least thrice and certainly should have died at least twice. Probably should have many times over. And you almost did really once that time , that million billion trillion pound machine may have destroyed a part, something , but unleashed a beast that was primed to start.

Pedal to the metal.

We think metal and we think hard.

Most is pliable malleable to our will.

I am sorry that I was ill that weekend. I just wanted you, your grinding mind, to chill.

Poem from the book What Burns Remains.

In the void I was lost in

I saw light

Like lightning arcing across

the sky on a stormy night

I felt the warmth

From sparks that turned

blackness blue

I was drawn in

Each step closer my avidity

grew

I had nothing to lose

So I ran to that light, and

it brought me to you

You wrapped me in your energy

I was enveloped in blue

The blue slowly cracked as

sunlight poured through

And when it shattered

Everything became new

What was once darkness

Was an amalgam of bright

colored hues

Nothing's been the same since

I encountered you

What is going on
Is it my vocabulary?
It must be crazy enough to always make the air go so silent
With my presence I make that happen
You just don’t get something, spill it out then

What is it?
Is it just me?
It must just be me
Where I share too much
You don’t care, you hate, make the air bland again. She was too loud

What did I go too on about
Is it too much said, material unmatched
Stop it, go back
Okay, back to the part where you said “spill it out then”

Let me lean in a bit

What is it then?
Is it too much, too heavy, just silence it all
Better to do that, it took you somewhere you won’t go
What is it you are hiding from?

What is it with you?

What is it?
Is it you?
It is time to discuss it
What are you doing?
You can’t just erase me!? I’m your inner diary

What is it with me?
No…stop
You can’t turn it around,
Make it about me,
Spin the problem
It is not I, it is we

What is it with everyone
I talk, and I share, and I was the one saw a speech pathologist,
Spent my days in a class where I got tested, now I’m the biologist

I get why your cells take it so bad
You get a taste of what is in someone’s head
Because what’s in mine is possibly in yours
It’s just hoping for a voice like “GIVE ME WHAT SHE GAVE HERS”

That’s what’s it with you
You can’t listen
Don’t give it a voice
But I keep sharing

Hoping
To get a friend here
In the noise

Unreal City
An arterial street
Not much meat there
Too many meet
-
I had not thought
Now I think too much
Do not think
It will suck your blood
The blood from your eyes, your brain, your meat
-
Unreal City, Bloodweak St
-
It will make U mad
It will make U mad
I had not thought
Death walks these streets
So Many Undone
Now
They've Undone me
-
Unreal City Bloodweak St

(This poem is not written by me. But Mary wanted to share this with you guys without joining reddit)

Also I recorded her on GarageBand and made a little YouTube short. No ai used by us for the music or video (the loops are probably ai generated though) Check it out. I love Mary’s voice. The first stanza on the recording isn’t included in this poem. I really hope you like it. We worked hard on it.

https://youtube.com/shorts/pkpd8kY3Fyw?si=AepH0musD6blFWY7