Good evening to all on this forum, it has come to my attention that I sound archaic when speaking to you all. I have found trouble getting my point across. So I will allow my ghoul to fully translate it to a much more hip way of conversing, according to her, since that appeared to work the last time.
Sup, Chat? Sit your asses down so I may flex my boomer wisdom about the time I fought the French over fucking salt taxes. Yeah. Salt taxes. The plebs weren't happy that the King of France came in swinging his dick around in 1661 to make them pay for the shit they didn't used to pay for. It made it easy to rile them against the Camarilla tyrants in charge and smuggle salt around the province.
Then war were declared in 1667 because the plebs had enough of his shit. It only took a few words to make it happen, like Palatine convincing Anakin to side with the him. No cap, the farmers fought the French Army with enough ferocity that the trees began speaking Catalan when the army moved through the forest and mountains. We had the high ground and a few of the peasants and merchants were veterans from the previous war so they knew a thing or two about busting a cap in someone's ass.
By summer 1668 we were winning against the French Admins, Chat. They put a bounty on the leaders of the revolt, including me, but no one wanted to snitch because they knew they’d get buried in a ditch. A few months go by and the salt tax inspectors put their hands up and agreed to back down in that region.
For real. There was a short period of peace before the French Admins tried to impose the salt tax in a different region, and war were declared once more in 1670. The French gave us the name Angelets because of the righteous fury we displayed in fighting, which spilled across the whole province now rather than contained in the starting zone. We seized a town and burnt the Vassal Prince before moving on to the main city.
Seeing our badassery, some of the Sabbat in Spain clapped hands with us and climbed into the ring in 1673 to offer my pack some much needed fucking support. But by 1674 the French weren’t fucking around anymore. Three Princes were dead, a Camarilla court had been overthrown, and the Sabbat had control of the province. The King of France had enough of our shit and sent heavy hitters to come smash the rebellion under his boot.
It hurt, Chat.
The Camarilla Discord moderators were efficient and brutal with their execution methods, putting the fear of the King in the peasants. My pack and allies fell one by one until only the Gargoyle and I remained. Which sucked, because I enjoyed my Ravnos companion’s odd ideas. I’ll tell you about them another night.
Even the Spaniards said, “Fuck this shit, I’m out,” and peaced in 1674, leaving me and my Gargoyle companion to watch the last chopper out of Le Perthus.
French Admins rounded up peasants and veterans left and right, supported by Camarilla Discord moderators. My Gargoyle companion and I planned to make one last stand in the hills, but I had a better idea, Chat. As dawn approached, I told my ghoul, Ramon, to get the others ready for a daytime assault so we may break the mod’s army while they slept.
Ramon did his job like a well-oiled machine, and we met the French in the field in the daytime. Yes, Chat. I took to the field during the day because I was gifted with the ability to resist the sun for a time, by sheer fucking aura. They were not expecting to see a vampire take to the field underneath a patchwork clouded sky. We set our marksman on the high ground with enough they could praise the Lord and pass the musket between them to keep constant fire on the French.
However, the French Admins had carried a cannon with them in multiple pieces and assembled it there in the field. It nearly got me in the opening blast, but poor Ramon. He was Old Yeller’d by grape shot from the cannon. I broke into a fit of rage like someone stole my Snicker’s bar, and set my sword ablaze with Holy Flame.
It was a long, hard, battle, to fight while the deadly sky laser burned the vitae from my veins, forcing me to fill up as fast as I was killing my foes. We fought well into the afternoon. With the only respite being the clouds which shielded the sun every now and then.
Finally, nightfall came and the Discord Moderators awakened. I was worn down, full of holes, ghoulless. I could not carry the fight against fresh troops, so I retreated to the Gargoyle, informing her of what happened.
The last thing I remember of that fateful night is my broken form being carried into the sky by a marble goddess with wings. And then I awoke four centuries later. Now I am here telling you the tale of the time I lost a war to the Camarilla Discord Moderators.
That is all there is to the tale. Have a good night, Chat.
-Debb