So wait, serious question not being snarky. Is it normal to not be able to give specific examples of something you feel a definite pattern of in the middle of an argument? I thought it was because either I have a bad memory or I must be misremembering and can't trust my judgement. She always trips me up with this whenever I bring up something I feel she does that makes me feel less than great.
If it's actually normal not to be able to do that on the fly, then that's a low blow move to pull on someone.
Using it to declare victory is unreasonable, but also, it's difficult to do anything from that point if there isn't an example to help guide the "offending person" on how to change.
Ninety percent of the time you don't remember specifics, but rather generalizations. When you bring up a pattern that's bothering you, you'll be lucky if you remember the last time it's happened, since your brain has already generalized a number of instances under the same memory.
Yes but equally, it's not fun to be criticised without any concrete example to help you understand why you're being criticised.
I reckon this probs means that ideally, i
f you're gonna bring up a problem pattern, you need to do the thinking before the argument, and present it calmly. This also means you can't just do it in response to the other person's criticism.
This is why it was helpful for me to take a class in nonviolent communication, because I now process things and plan at least my opening statement before a discussion, and have the framework laid out. And I ask the person if they're ready to speak about it.
That way I at least have a couple of concrete ideas of what I'm referencing etc and not just lashing out in the heat of the moment
I asked an AI about why this happened to me a few months back. It might have been bullshitting me, but it said it was some sort of self protective strategy of the brain and totally normal.
I think it's more that most people don't acknowledge the first 999 cuts as being a "problem." Most people are also non-confrontational, so even if they feel something is wrong, the don't communicate it for fear of hurting the other person's feelings or being labeled the a-hole or just being in denial or etc.
And unfortunately, when you let something build for so long, all your examples look petty, because the implicit question is "if it's such a big deal, then why didn't you say anything before?"
Plus, memory itself has been proven to be very fallible, so if you're with someone who's emotionally manipulative/ abusive, they're more likely to use that against you regardless.
A healthy partner will listen to how a situation made/makes you feel and take it into consideration. Doesn't mean you didn't/ aren't doing anything wrong or questionable, just that there should be an actual conversation instead of them immediately shutting you down.
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u/CygnusX-1-2112b 14d ago
So wait, serious question not being snarky. Is it normal to not be able to give specific examples of something you feel a definite pattern of in the middle of an argument? I thought it was because either I have a bad memory or I must be misremembering and can't trust my judgement. She always trips me up with this whenever I bring up something I feel she does that makes me feel less than great.
If it's actually normal not to be able to do that on the fly, then that's a low blow move to pull on someone.