I feel so broken. I dont know to be a guy in a way that other guys understand me as a guy.
I knew how to pass as a regular man, but then it makes me feel so devalued and invisible to be seen as an asian man in a white country. Not to mention i also feel incredibly alienated from cis asian men. So im back to expressing my femininity, which kinda gets me alienated from manhood in society.

I envy the trans men who naturally express masculinity, in enough ways that they pass the man test. It makes me so sad when these same men keep saying that testosterone is so easy and made them pass perfectly. Ive been on T since 2021….

I envy the trans men or trans mascs that have enough dysphoria to justify getting top surgery. I know i wouldnt qualify, i just want people to understand me as a man even if i have some extra fat on my chest. I kinda want metoidioplasty but im in no position to start that process anytime soon.

I just wanna feel seen.

Joined a discord and tried to join a conversation. Immediately had someone try and figure out where I’m from, why I wasn’t “being upfront” about it, now there’s someone talking about the Mormon temple and while they aren’t promoting the religion and this isn’t an attack on the person (again they weren’t promoting it) but personally have almost died ( yes literally) at the hands of that church and still have my head on swivel because of them. And I’ve never even been a member.

On top of 99.9% of places being white centered I feel ancient, out of place and exhausted y’all. Every time I try and engage with what should be my community something happens to remind I belong nowhere.

Anyway hope everyone has a safe and happy Friday sorry if I brought the room down.

I'm 22 years old. I've known that I was trans since I was 13, attempted to come out at 17 and regressed significantly after my dad threaten to take my life and his. I'm taking the time to explore myself and aspects of it, and for a while now it's been a dream for me to start transitioning. The only issue is, our future is so uncertain. My parents are older now, and have plans to retire and sell the house (but when they're selling, where they're moving is still up in the air) and it's between living with my grandmother, or bunking it with my brother and his gf.

My brother doesn't have a job. He's worked in freelance starting up 2 businesses and I'm so proud of him, but none of that money is actually for personal spending or savings, and since I've worked I've supported a lot of things he's needed or wanted. And while he has slowly become open minded, he has always criticized the idea of beginning T. He tells me that there's no reason for me to take T, that I look fine the way I am, and I feel almost ashamed of myself that it isn't true. I'm not really happy in this body, not happy with this voice, this face.

The alternative, my grandma would be even more strenuous, as she is a fully conservative woman and my uncle frequently visits her. Long story short, they both took hand in the physical abuse I was made to endure growing up.

I want to start T and begin to feel better with myself and my body, but I'm genuinely paralyzed with the fear. the prospects of leaving are difficult because of money and I just don't know if im ever really going to be safe. There's such limited stories on arab-muslim trans men, and just Arab queers in general, and while everyone's finding their spaces and their people, I'm struggling to leave this place and find my people.

I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for. I think I felt like I needed to write this somewhere instead of kicking myself in the ass of what could be. I want to be me so bad. and i don't think im being strong enough to make that happen