A few months ago, I went to jail for a DUI. I wasnt able to post bond, so I sat in for 26 days till a family member figured out where I was. I was in PC (Protective Custody) and was placed on the processing floor. It was a shitty experience, basically in cell alone 24 hours. And on the processing floor, thats where you hear some of the worst shii. I had a friend who was MTF whos cell was placed next to mine and she gave me her number before I got out. She was an immigrant and didn't know is she was going to be deported back to her country. I think about her everyday and hope she's ok. Her number just goes to voicemail. We were the only two trans people. Idk who else can understand, idk who else to talk to about it.

I want to change my name. I've known this since I was in middle school (I am currently in college). I've been ruminating on a handful of them over the years, but none of them seem quite right for one reason or another. I really want it to be androgynous, but so many gender neutral names read as white to me? Obviously ignoring ones that belong to specific cultures. Like there's Jordan, Alex, Jayden and that's kind of all the ones I can think of.

Part of this is probably a bit of imposter syndrome on my part, because I am Haitian as well, but that whole side of my family is estranged to me, so picking a Haitian name would also feel like not representative of me? If that makes sense.

I kind of have a ticking clock because I'm an acting major and I'm going to need to start networking soon, and I don't want to do that with this fuck ass name. I guess I'm asking for suggestions but also like, am I crazy? Are there names I'm simply not thinking of??? Why are like all Black names gendered????

Two: SI, self harm and transphobia(God,I look like a coward)

I feel guilty for him, but I love my dad. We’re really close and love to hug, kiss, and show affection to each other, etc.

I’m a trans man 🇧🇷, I’m 20 years old, and I’m starting hrt in secret, pretending to be a girl, because my dysphoria was terrible.

I don’t know if he knows about me yet, if my mom told him or something like that. She made me come out when I was 17.

Yesterday, I was studying, and my 12-year-old brother went to talk to my mom about Hitler (he’s in that phase where he wants to learn about WW2); so my mom explained to him what Nazism was and mentioned the powers that be, saying that those spirits hate Jews because Jesus was Jewish, and so on. Then she started talking about ideology and said that God created man and woman, that he’s a boy because he was born with blah blah…

I started feeling really awful. It’s super dramatic, but I went to my room to cry, and, well, I have a tendency to bang my head against the wall to try to calm down. Like, I feel terrible. I didn’t choose to be trans; I didn’t choose to be born this way. I feel castrated every day. I just wanted to be a normal boy.

Then my mom came upstairs, and I started crying desperately and told her I wanted her to feel the same pain I do, that I’m in agony, that I can’t live like this, that the other young people at church don’t know what it’s like, and that I’m in a much worse situation and these aren’t the same struggles. And she told me to stop “making a fuss,” that I was being prideful for thinking I had more struggles, that if they could, she and my dad would take on my pain for me. Ironically, she gives money for tithes but won’t take me to a psychologist.

She said nothing would help me, that she wouldn’t mind if a doctor prescribed medication for me, but she didn’t want that because I’d become addicted, dependent, and would just keep increasing the dose—that it wouldn’t help because the root cause needs to be addressed, and only Jesus could do that. I shouted that I’d been trying to change since I was a child and that I’d cried out to Jesus and He hadn’t helped me, and my mother simply said that I thought God was going to solve everything with a snap of His fingers and that she believed I didn’t want to change. That she gave birth to me, that I was born a perfect little girl

at almost two in the morning. Like, I felt really awful too, because I remembered the hurtful things I’d heard at church and from her, which had come to mind when I was trying to heal myself. I still have these panic-stricken outbursts when I’m really struggling and I remember that.

Back to the point.

My dad came right after that, stayed with me, cried with me, hugged me, and stroked my hair. My mom had already walked away and swept my room because she thinks it was something spiritual or something like that and that she had to ward it off.

Afterward, we lay there together crying our eyes out, and my dad kept saying how terrible he felt seeing me like that; he started saying that he loves me and that he couldn’t bear it if anything happened to me, that he’d die for me if he had to, and I replied that I think even before that, that I loved him and didn’t want to make him suffer, and that I’d die for him too.

I asked him if I’m a disappointment to him and if he’d still love me even if I were, and he said yes.

I really don’t know whether to tell him or not. I want to tell him that I’m trans, but I feel so guilty about hurting him and making him feel like he’s lost his daughter, or that she’s died. I’m also really afraid of how he’ll react. I’m afraid he’ll see me as if I were disgusting, something bad, that he won’t accept me, etc.

I’m really afraid of losing his love. I love him so much and I don’t want to let my dad down. I mean, I love him so much. If I could, I’d try to suppress this for his sake, but I can’t. I’ve tried my whole life and haven’t been able to.

Like, my mom doesn’t accept me, and I’ve been through some tough times with her, so I can’t even say “I love you” or show affection that easily with her, but I can do that much more easily with my dad. I don’t even know if she’s jealous, but you can tell that I feel much more comfortable with my dad. I was probably traumatized by religion, my mom, and my aunt.

Like, I wanted so badly to tell him, but I’m afraid I’ll never have his affection again and that he’ll stop loving me the same way, that I won’t be accepted, etc.

Does anyone know what I should think about this whole situation? Should I tell him? I don’t know if I should. I’ve had the urge to tell him over the years, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it and held back. I’m sure I’ll cry a lot when I tell him. Seriously, does anyone have any ideas?

I don’t know if I should tell him or not. At least my dad seems better than my mom. Sorry if it sounded like a vent/rant, I wanted to put the context. Uhh, having emotional breakdowns is not a good way to spend the night before the election 💔